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Original poster

Do you think your children love you?Or,- do you love your mother?

93 replies

Fengshui · 10/06/2018 14:45

This is just a rather depressed musing really.

I don't love my mother. I don't like her much either. She had untreated depression when I was growing up and was abusive-physically and emotionally. I tolerate her at best. I am 45.

I can't imagine what it is like to love your mother. I am closely involved with her, but this is mostly motivated by guilt and obligation.

I have two children, the eldest is nearly 9 and today when we were arguing (I would not buy him something) he said the most truly awful things to me.I realised that although I love my children desperately, completely and utterly, I do not actually expect them to love me back. Some of it is because I can't imagine anyone loving me but also I can't quite understand the idea of loving your mother.

I know my son knows I love him completely. I don't actually expect that back. I surround them in a bubble of love and concern and attention. I'm not expecting them to validate me in any way- but I wonder if it is even possible to be a mother who is genuinely loved by her children. Uncomplicated , non-guilt-based love.

I know that sounds rambling,but does any of it make sense?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2018 15:46

Your mother never sought the necessary help and that is not your fault.

I would also raise further your boundaries with your mother and have far less to do with her. Deal properly with your senses of obligation and guilt towards her through counselling; I can tell you now she really does not have any sense of obligation or guilt towards you. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, your mother is no different.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2018 15:47

Not all women are as fortunate as you Dusty, they really are not. Some now adult children really did draw the short straw when it came to their parents.

NotARegularPenguin · 10/06/2018 15:49

I don’t love my mother. I don’t like her. I don’t think she likes me. We’ve been NC for six years. Kind of my choice, she flounced off and I said she wasn’t welcome until she said sorry for a particularly nasty thing she said/did and I didn’t hear for her for years. She recently sent me a nasty email but still hasn’t said sorry so I’m still ignoring her.

Even as a child I don’t remember her once cuddling me or telling me she loved me.

I love my 17yo dd, we get on fine.. I tell her I love her. I think at the age she is now I’m a bit of an irrelevance in her life. She seems to get on better with her boyfriends mum than she does me which I find a bit sad. Don’t think I’m fun enough.

NotARegularPenguin · 10/06/2018 15:50

And I do think it’s normal for kids too say hurtful things to their parents especially at 9yo. Is t it meant to be a sign that they’re secure in the knowledge that you do love them or they wouldn’t risk saying it? They’re just lashing out. But when he’s calmed down do tell him how hurtful it is.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 10/06/2018 15:52

I believe the same love you show your child, the same love he will show you back.

DS6 is very affectionate, randomly throughout the day he will come and give me a kiss and a cuddle, before saying “I love you mummy” he does the same to DH too.

I believe this is because we both show him so much love and affection.

My mum was the same with us when we were younger.

OP do you spend alone time with him (just you and him) i.e watching DVDs, going for walks etc??

bluelavendersky · 10/06/2018 15:56

No, I didn’t love my mum.

I was trying to think yesterday if I ever loved her and I don’t think I did.

Shodan · 10/06/2018 15:56

I don't think I love my mother tbh. If I do it's not an 'active' kind of love, iyswim.

But I absolutely know my children love me. I know it not just because they tell me, but because they show it too. They are openly demonstrative of it. And that isn't because they're toddlers - my eldest son is 22 and my younger son is 10.

I made a conscious effort to be the opposite of how my mother was with me (and my siblings). My children have grown up hearing that they are loved, that they are good people, that I think they're amazing. They know 100% that I have their back. They have been hugged every day. Any time I've had to tell them off I've done it without criticising them - i only criticised their behaviour.

I had no contact with my mother for three years and only recently have been speaking to her again. And even after that she still can't u understand why I and several of my siblings have stopped contact with her. She doesn't want to acknowledge what she did wrong, and so will never apologise or make amends for it. And it's very hard to forgive that and consequently feel any real love for her.

bonnyshide · 10/06/2018 15:58

OP my mum was the kind of mum you are, kind and protective, she was generous with her time and completely unselfish she loved me and was proud of me and told me often (daily even) she was also firm and would discipline me when needed (she told me she disciplined me because she loved me and wanted me to be the best version of myself I could)

I loved her very much.

She wasn't perfect, and sometimes we fell out, but the love between us was very strong. She probably didn't feel I did when I was a bratty child or difficult teen, but I certainly made sure she knew how much I loved her when I grew up.

Her voice echoes in mine when I Dirac to my own children, I have no doubt they love me.

I can understand how your relationship with your own mother can distort what you believe of your own children, but trust me, you are very loved.

londonista · 10/06/2018 16:00

Sorry for you OP.

My own experience... my mum was the kindest, most considerate, most loving, most self-sacrificing, funniest, best cook ever when I was growing up.

Then she got old, ill and really fucking selfish and judgmental - my poor Dad deserves a bloody medal. But I remember what an absolute top-drawer mother she was when I was young so I can pretty much put up with anything she throws at me now.

I have moments with her when we laugh and love like we used to but not so many. I guess she got sick of putting herself second for so long.

BastardGoDarkly · 10/06/2018 16:04

I do love my mam yeah, I'm very lucky, she was a great mother.

And yes, my kids love me, I know they do, but ds especially has said some bloody horrible things to me.... Why did you even have us? You hate us.... I wish you were dead/I was dead.

Hideous.

But it's water off a ducks back, because I didn't have the childhood you did love, try and bear in mind, you're view is skewed because of your own mum. Your kids love you, and you're not her Flowers

SandyY2K · 10/06/2018 16:12

but I wonder if it is even possible to be a mother who is genuinely loved by her children.

I believe it is.

I love my mum.

I love my children and they genuinely love me. We say it regularly to each other in person and via text.

SuperSuperSuper · 10/06/2018 16:17

I empathise. My mother was exactly like yours OP and like you I have two children (older than yours, though). However, I don't share your pessimism. We can be the kind of mothers ours were not and our children will know it.

londonista · 10/06/2018 16:18

OP my best mate lost her mum when she was 19. She's 42 now and she says she still sheds a tear for her every day even now. Something about a mum ... possibly even a bad one is better than none at all.

My husbands mum is a terrible mother but it helped my husband to see her with our sons (her grandsons). She is kind and warm and loving, so he has accepted that at some level his mother is capable of love and at some level she does indeed "love" him. She is just quite a broken person, sadly.

MrsDilber · 10/06/2018 16:44

Yes I love my mum. I was very lucky, though no parent is perfect and there are some truly awful ones.

My children I love with my whole heart, even the really difficult teenager, I might not like him, but I love him. It's interesting, the toe to toe rows we have had. I think of him that little, sweet boy and could never, ever have imagined us rowing the way we have. I'm hoping he's passed that now.

I've said to him "you will never love anyone the way you love your children" and I hope that is true of him, because that's how it's supposed to be. Doesn't always work out that way though.

Original poster
Fengshui · 10/06/2018 18:22

Thank you so much.

I fell apart this afternoon after picking up DH. He just said 'If your children think you are fantastic all the time you are doing it wrong'.

He's not usually very insightfull. Now he is off getting Chinese.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 10/06/2018 18:29

Oh yes. The love you but don’t like you comment. Got that one.

Would love to have a mother who loves me unconditionally. If I want my mothers love it comes with a set of behaviours, career, a way of dressing and certain set of beliefs, earning capacity and choice of life partner and friends.

Problem is, that often changed and I was punished for not being able to read her mind.

NC here. But I love my children and at such a young ages they love me too. But I make sure they know everyday how much they are loved. They are cuddled, they are encouraged and I will never tell them I loved them but didn’t like them. No matter how grumpy they become as a teenager.

MuddyForestWalks · 10/06/2018 18:32

Your DH is right, you know. We are meant to be the rock wall that their angry waves crash upon sometimes.

In answer to your questions - my DC love me, but they are very little (3 &1), so while it is exhausting, it is easy for them to love me. I hope they will continue to do so.

I love my mother very much, even though we have clashed in the past. And she loves her mother, even though they have clashed. And my father loved his mother to pieces, and we all still miss and mourn her.

If your son was fearful of you he wouldn't have spoken to you as he did (not that it makes what he said ok!) I think fear is probably the biggest killer of love between a child and a parent.

Original poster
Fengshui · 10/06/2018 18:35

Yes, oh yes.

Yes to everything everyone is so kindly saying and sharing.

Thank you a million times. Thanks

You have all talked me down off the cliff.

And I will be definitely checking out the StatelyHomes threads.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 10/06/2018 18:41

OP my mum was amazing, but when my sister didn't get her own way she used to pretend to phone childline. Its understandable it upset you with your history but you sound self aware and not repeating the same patterns you were exposed to.

My 10 year old and I have a wonderful; relationship but he can be a bit viscous with his tongue sometimes. He always feels bad about it and apologises (and is much better than he was as he is learning).

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/06/2018 19:02

I'm weirdly glad that the love you but don't like you thing happened to other people too. I thought it was just me (she didn't say it to my siblings) and that it was because I just wasn't likeable.

I'm glad that you feel better for starting this thread OP, and thank you.

Yogagirl123 · 10/06/2018 19:08

I don’t love my mother either, we have been NC for many years.

I love my DS’ completely and more importantly they know they are loved.

I am certain they love me too, in a teenage son sort of way!

mikado1 · 10/06/2018 19:24

Following.

I was thinking very, very similar thoughts just this morning.

justforthisnow · 10/06/2018 19:36

Get on the Stately Homes thread asap!
It is so reassuring to read many womens experiences of loving mothers here, but like some others also here it makes me sad and a little bit yearnful for what i never had. Possibly women with loving mothers can't fathom a non functioning mother daughter relationship, whereas those of us in that situation are in the unhappy situation of seeing functional relationships whilst dealing with a toxic parent, which those lucky women will never understand, thankfully.
You are not your mother and your son knew exactly what to say to push your buttons.

NetofLemons · 10/06/2018 19:43

Sometimes it takes the perspective of being a mother yourself, to know how different your own experience of being mothered was. Because you often assume your own experience was normal or all you should have had and deserved. It’s very hard but a really important thing to understand. It may be the realisation that makes sense of lots of things about yourself that you could never really quite put together before. Good luck. Flowers

Starface · 10/06/2018 19:57

The point your husband makes is important. If a child can say something like this, expressing their frustration as strongly as they feel it with the punch to match just so you get to feel it too, it means that on a more fundamental level they feel safe in the relationship and in your love. They know that even if they are awful you will not reject them. They can say this because they know your love. This is extremely important to hold onto during the testing times of adolescence and separation.

He probably didn't realize quite what that particular phrase would trigger for you. But it doesn't sound, from what you say, that his fundamental love for you is in question.