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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got back with his wife, didn't tell me

58 replies

Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 17:01

I found out last night. Confirmed this morning. Nearly a year of telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Telling me we are made for each other. I really thought we were. Then he gets back with her and doesn't even bother to end things with me first and the first I know of it is a fucking picture of the two of them. I'm so upset and so angry.

OP posts:
stepbackfromthecircles · 09/06/2018 17:25

Were you the OW?

MrsBertBibby · 09/06/2018 17:26

Well she won the prize, didn't she?

What did you want a shitbag like him for?

fuzzywuzzy · 09/06/2018 17:28

Did he tell his wife he was getting together with you?

If not, it’s not really surprising he’s done the same to you.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2018 17:33

Shame.

SoapOnARoap · 09/06/2018 17:34

You were the OW?

Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 17:39

I didn't think I was the other woman. He said they weren't together and we're getting divorced.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 17:40

I asked him if that had all been a lie and he said it wasn't.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/06/2018 17:41

Whether he was getting divorced or not he was married. And it looks like he still is.

Figgygal · 09/06/2018 17:41

Id fucking tell her quite frankly are there kids involved?

Prick

KreigersClones · 09/06/2018 17:41

Are you sure they were ever splitin the first place?

SuperSuperSuper · 09/06/2018 17:48

Assuming you genuinely thought they were separated, you've nothing to reproach yourself for because he's played you. You're well rid, though.

swimmerlab · 09/06/2018 17:53

Lucky escape

DianaT1969 · 09/06/2018 17:53

He was living alone when you met? You've seen his place and met his friends over the year you were together? Got to know him well, but had no idea he was rekindling his relationship with his wife?
Seems strange OP and he wasn't the man you thought he was. If this is what happened then he's deceitful and a user. Try to move on.

Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 17:54

I have no idea what's true anymore. I'm a fucking idiot. They have a 3 year old. I was hesitant to get involved with him at the start and I said if they had any chance of reconciling that I didn't want to get in the way. He said neither of them wanted to get back together and that she was probably seeing someone else already. Now I don't even know if they ever really had split up. Ok I get that I'm a fucking idiot and won't get any sympathy. I honestly believed they weren't together. And there's more stuff that's becoming clear now but I stupidly didn't see it. But why would he lie so much? Tell me he loved me?

OP posts:
notfunnyhaha85 · 09/06/2018 17:56

The same thing happened to me years and years ago. He told me he'd split up with his wife, we ended up seeing each other for around a year and then I found out that he'd never left her and they were very much together still. So fucking devastating and humiliating Angry

In the end his wife ended up finding me online and making contact as she'd had her suspicions. I told her the full and honest story and it did absolutely fuck all to be honest. He denied everything and she believed him (that is until he did it again with someone else a few years later Hmm).

From my experience you'll save yourself at lot of stress and heartache by just moving on. He's a dick and a blatant liar, you're better off without him Thanks

Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 17:58

I really am an idiot. It's all clear now. The last few weeks he started accusing me of cheating on him and said some really nasty things. Then he said sorry, he's going through a hard time atm (he is, or maybe all that was lies too I actually don't know anymore). I feel like the last year has just been a complete lie and I don't understand why anyone would do something like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 18:00

Thank you not funny. I know it would all be so much worse for his wife. I do understand that. Fuck I just can't believe any of this is real and I can't believe how fucking stupid I am. And I'm sorry for all the swearing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 18:02

And it really does feel humiliating. I had a mutual friend of ours text me this morning after seeing the same picture I'd seen. He was as confused as I was about it all.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 09/06/2018 18:05

Whatever the truth is from his side, one thing is clear-he's an arsehole and you are well rid. Move on as quickly as you can and don't reproach yourself. Be grateful it was a year and not ten!

BubblingUp · 09/06/2018 18:07

Now that you know how these married men go, you'll recognize it next time and the next time and the next time and not get involved.
All married men claim to be separated.
They all claim their wife has moved on.
They all claim their marriage is over.
They all claim they don't have sex with their wives anymore.
It's all lies.
The truth is they are bored. They are tired of parking their dicks in the same woman over and over and are looking for variety.
They may be kinda sortof wondering if the grass is greener in some other woman's vagina, but then reality hits - children, finances, reputation - and the vast majority won't leave their marriages. (Some do, but it's often immediately.)

I'm sorry this happened to you. I am mid-50s and never married and the target of too many married men to count. When these married dudes start this crap (and it's the same lines over and over), I am to the point where I laugh in their faces. You simply can't believe them no matter how thick they lay it out.

Original poster
Namechangedforthistoo · 09/06/2018 18:09

All married men claim to be separated.
They all claim their wife has moved on.
They all claim their marriage is over.
They all claim they don't have sex with their wives anymore.
It's all lies.

He said all of that. I'm so stupid.

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 09/06/2018 18:12

@BubblingUp yep, they all say the same crap.

My H was online telling women he was separated and how I'm such a cold frigid controlling beatch.

I found out about his affair when I was tipped off he was fb official with someone. Oh the lies. I told the ho too that we were still very married. He lied and she believed him. She can have him.

I would never believe any guy claiming to be separated cause chances are their wife doesn't know anything about it.

swimmerlab · 09/06/2018 18:14

I would be making contact with the wife. She deserves to know.

If they were truly separated then she may know about you anyway, if they weren't then she can make an informed decision about her future.

MountainHedgehog · 09/06/2018 18:18

I’m very sorry this happened, but you know how he feels about you now. You will be mourning the relationship and that’s ok. Be kind to yourself. He might try and have his cake and eat it and get you back. But now you know you are the other woman you can tell him where to go.

Absolutely send the wife a message/letter. I would want to know if I was her. Tell her you thought you were in a relationship and didn’t know you were the other woman.

Good luck for the future for when you find a decent guy.

FinallyHere · 09/06/2018 18:20

But why would he lie so much? Tell me he loved me?

It's just possible that he thought that he could 'have' you in the side , if he told you what you wanted to hear. Sorry you have been played , hope you quickly get angry rather than sad. A great lesson to learn.