Got back with his wife, didn't tell me

[Namechangedforthistoo]

I found out last night. Confirmed this morning. Nearly a year of telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Telling me we are made for each other. I really thought we were. Then he gets back with her and doesn't even bother to end things with me first and the first I know of it is a fucking picture of the two of them. I'm so upset and so angry.

The thing about a relationship like this is that even just a few days / a week away from them and the spell begins to break. It's kind of miraculous. And you look back and can't believe how twisted up and anxious you got.

The rest of your life awaits, Name. Go get it

OP I never did this once, but TWICE.
Seriously. I never have got to the bottom of either stories but I learned an awful lot about liars.
Don't beat yourself up. Move on.

That's great that you're feeling that way.

You feelings may switch back at some point, ignore them if they do! Especially if he comes knocking again - don't be fooled. Hang onto these feelings right now where you've seen him in for who he really is.

Out of curiosity where was ex living while you dated? Did you get invited to his place? If not, did you question why?
You have well and truly dodged a bullet! Thank-god

I've been embarrassed to admit this but he lived with his wife. He said he slept in the spare room and that's where he was when we did video calls. We looked at flats for him to move into but there was always something wrong with them (he said). He wasn't working so didn't have much money, and I lived with my first partner for a while after we split so I didn't think it was an unrealistic living situation. And I never went round there. Yes I'm very stupid. But I wouldn't have told my ex partner about a new romance so early after our split because I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings...I thought it was the same thing but of course now I question that. I don't think he gives a second thought to other people's feelings. I met his brother a couple of times, but then his brother could have been in on it. I really don't know now. I remember once he (ex) was laughing about his friend, a serial cheater who had recently found out he'd got another woman pregnant while having a dp and dc at home. I didn't find it funny and told ex that. He said of course he didn't think what his friend did was right but he was a good guy beside that. I spent some time thinking then about what kind of person he was to have a friend like that, but I wasn't sure whether it was ok to judge someone because of the actions of their friend...I guess it was his reaction to it (the "haha look what bill's got himself into now" kind of thing) that unsettled me more than anything. Signs like this should have shown me his true character but I pushed them aside, or didn't see them at all, or made excuses for him. I really have learned so much from this. If I get into another relationship and have any uncertainty I'm going to check with MN right away.

He contacted me in the early hours of this morning. I'm guessing he'd had a drink. I'd changed my picture on WhatsApp (stupid but I was trying to look like I'd moved on) and that's what set him off. He wasn't trying to get me back, it was pure abuse and made more digs about my "other men". I was really shaken up (I don't know why, I shouldn't be shocked at anything he says) and upset but I didn't reply to him. He knew I'd read the messages because of the read receipts, and it wound him up a lot that I wasn't taking the bait. If he sends more I will block his number. It reinforced my feelings that he is not a nice person. That's what shocks/upsets me the most...he really is a horrible bully. I've had arguments where people might say things in anger, and done the same myself, but his is more cold and calculated nastiness. That's what I found hard to understand when he used to give me the silent treatment. I understand needing to cool down after a row, but not having a sulk that lasts for days, long after the initial anger has passed (even more confusing that most of the time the things that had made him angry were perfectly normal, innocent things or things that could have been cleared up with a quick conversation).

The same thing happened to me 7 years ago.

Told me they were separated (although he did seem to be dawdling over the divorce). She had been moved out a year when we got together.

We went out for a year with some strange, hot and cold behaviour from him. Then one day I went past his house, looked through the window and his wife was moving back in.

The lies (that day and afterwards), the plotting and scheming etc have changed me as a person.

You haven't done anything wrong, he has. He lied to you, he was dishonest, he was the chancer not you.

There were red flags you should have noticed - but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I think you have had a lucky escape and he knows you know; he is a bully and an emotional abuser.

Stay strong and be kind to yourself. Do something nice you deserve it.

I'm so sorry for everyone else who has had something like this happen to them.

I think it is going to change me as a person too Frith but not all of those changes are bad ones I don't think.

Thank you everyone who took the time to reply to my thread.