Stbxh wants full custody to live abroad with dcs!

[WishfulWanderer]

Stbxh won't communicate with me about divorce and dcs. Still living in same house, 3 dcs all under 11. He does not want the divorce and keeps telling me he feels sorry for me because I'm divorcing him because my past has affected my mental health and I don't know what I'm doing, I don't have any mental health issues though. He has said he wants full custody and wants to move to Europe with all 3 dcs, I said let's talk about this and it's appropriateness for the children, he says I can't talk to you about anything without a lawyer present. I don't think he'll get it? He says this about everything. I want an amicable divorce so asked him if he wants to cite 2 yr separation (live in separate rooms) vs unreasonable behaviour, again he says I can't talk to you about that without a lawyer present. Any advice ladies? Should I just ignore him not ask to discuss? Don't think I can get him to come to any arrangement with me. Thanks

You're STBXH doesn't get to decide how things are going to be. Either you agree between you or the court decides.

Hague convention. Read it, you need to know.

He can't take them abroad without your approval as that would be child abduction and unless he moves to somewhere like Saudi Arabia, most countries have an agreement and he would be sent to jail pronto with the children returned to you.
Just ignore. If he wants to go through with it without your approval he needs to apply to the courts for indefinite leave to remove (or some such wording), but he'd need to proof why living abroad without their mother would be better for them.

Make sure you hide their passports and see a solicitor ASAP!

You are not going to have an amicable divorce. Best get a lawyer and crack on with it.

And yes, hide the passports.

You won't get a lawyer to be present at discussions. You have to have separate solicitors and independent legal advice.

When I tell him lawyers can't be present during our discussions he just repeats like a broken record 'I can't talk about this without a lawyer'
I also told him either we agree or the court decides, ask if he wants to discuss an agreement I'm open to it he replies with the same. So frustrating.

Which country does he come from?

You want an amicable divorce. He doesn't. You have a choice - carry on as you are or listen to what he is telling you. Stop trying to talk to him. He is not your friend any more. He intends to make it as hard as possible.

You will have to get a lawyer and start -unfortunately - paying for letters to be sent.

He is from Sweden
Lived here 15 yrs
Now wants to move to Germany because he apparently hates this country! And has a job which means he had to travel to Germany regularly, had done for years, I work pt, and dcs always been with me. He has hinted that I'd not get a penny out of him, as I won't need it, when he has custody, and I'll lose the house because I won't have the dcs.
He keeps telling me I'm an abusive bulky and abusive parent, which I'm not. Either he's trying to make me believe I am, or for some bizarre unknown reason he thinks I am.

Sounds like he’s trying to scare you into not divorcing him.

He can’t take the kids abroad. He won’t get full custody, not when he goes abroad for work and you work part time. A court may well order shared care of some sort. You need to see a solicitor of your own to advise you.

He's not interested in appropriateness for the children, he's interested in winning. I can't see any advantage in trying to talk like reasonable human beings with someone who just isn't reasonable or a human being. Get yourself the best solicitor you can afford, not necessarily the most expensive but someone practised in family law and who you are comfortable working with.

The mental health accusation is straight from the Abuser's Handbook btw. Ignore.

Yes that's what I feel
He's trying to scare me into not going ahead
I already have a lawyer
I think above posts are right I need to stop talking to him
And I need to remember those comments are straight out of the abusers handbook, thank you for that. I have on very rare moments asked myself am I actually crazy like he says I am, and it's so bad that I can't even see it. Then I think nope I'm definitely not, my friends and fam would've noticed.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you, Wishful. He's just trying to intimidate you. Get that lawyer of yours to write STBXH a letter starting the ball rolling.

Jesus wept, he’s full on batshit crazy himself!

Just ignore the fucking idiot. Get your lawyer moving fast with the divorce and spend your time thinking about what you’re going to do when you’re free of the monumental idiot!

Hope it doesn’t take too long 🌷

Thank you
I am seeing lawyer on Monday
He also says terrible things like you'll be like all them other divorced women! Horrible man!

He’s right. You will be like all those other divorced women.

The ones divorced for complete fucking bellends!

...HAPPY!!!!

Get the kids' passports out of the house so he can't get them, and lawyer up.

Start proceedings for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable. Instruct a solicitor. Hide the dc passports and prepare for a very difficult 6-12 months. It's your only option. Right now you are involved in a pointless to and fro that gets nowhere and achieves nothing. Instruct your solicitor as to his threats to abduct the children and false accusations.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/international-parental-child-abduction
This government leaflet gives you advice that you should follow to stop him taking the DC overseas without a court order/your agreement.

Did you get married in sweden? If so, I’d check urgently if he’d be able to file for divorce via Sweden. I may be wrong, but I think there is a european law according to which a divorce is handled in the country where it is filed, even if it is nor the divorcing couple’s habitual residence.

The Hague Convention applies in sweden as well of course, and a swedish court wouldn’t just grant him full custody and allow him to move to germany with your children. However bearing in mind the UK has the most “wife friendly” divorce laws in all of Europe, there’s a chance you would be much worse off financially if he filed for divorce in Sweden first.

It’s worth checking if he’d be eligible to do this. If so I’d waste no time and file for fivorce in the UK first. Once you’ve dont this, the the divorce, custody, finances etc will be subject to UK law.

I’m nor a lawyer, so hopefully someone more knowledgeable will come along correct me if I got anything wrong. Please try and seek legal advice asap. Good luck OP!

Make sure you tell your lawyer that he has stated he wants to take the kids to Europe. Tell them that he is from a different country so you need to lodge a residency order for the DC urgently. There will be steps they can take to stop him running with the kids. Don’t let him spout his rubbish at you. There are laws just so that bullies like him can’t just get their own way. Why on earth does he think he could just take the kids? He’s got a new job. What happens to the kids while he’s working in a foreign country where they have never lived and where they know nobody. No court in the land would allow it.

Me again. Just had a quick browse and according to this website: www.international-divorce.com/Sweden-Divorce-Requirements.htm it looks like he’d be eligible to file for divorce in sweden if he has lived there after his 18th birthday.

Definitely speak to a lawyer ASAP!

Thank you so much ladies
We married in the UK
Thank goodness
He'll never start proceedings he doesn't want to be without us, fixated, unhealthy obsession.