Stbxh wants full custody to live abroad with dcs!

[WishfulWanderer]

Stbxh won't communicate with me about divorce and dcs. Still living in same house, 3 dcs all under 11. He does not want the divorce and keeps telling me he feels sorry for me because I'm divorcing him because my past has affected my mental health and I don't know what I'm doing, I don't have any mental health issues though. He has said he wants full custody and wants to move to Europe with all 3 dcs, I said let's talk about this and it's appropriateness for the children, he says I can't talk to you about anything without a lawyer present. I don't think he'll get it? He says this about everything. I want an amicable divorce so asked him if he wants to cite 2 yr separation (live in separate rooms) vs unreasonable behaviour, again he says I can't talk to you about that without a lawyer present. Any advice ladies? Should I just ignore him not ask to discuss? Don't think I can get him to come to any arrangement with me. Thanks

I’m talking about having the decency as a human being to allow her husband to rebuild his life - just like she wants to do.

????? It's not moral to punish the person who initiates divorce! What weird fucking set of morals must you have?

And again you fail to understand something very basic - not just legally but ethically. It doesn't matter what dad wants. It doesn't matter what mum wants. What matters is what's in the children's best interests - where have they grown up? What has been normal to them? What would need to continue to help them feel secure?

The fact that the children's interests align with the mum's in this instance is simply coincidence. The fact is, no court in the land would allow a father to take the British children of a British marriage with a British mother who is their primary carer, to Sweden just because he wants to. Because it's not in the children's best interests.

Beating the mum over the head with a misplaced guilt trip about her somehow needing to pay the price for DARING not to want to be married anymore, is ridiculous. Folk don't get divorced for fun, there is a good reason for it.

itsadventuretime

Violance and adultery are not the only forms of abuse. I've seen OP's threads before, and they detail an abusive man.

I left my ex after three decades, with our DCs. He wasn't violent, but the day to day effect of his abusive and controlling behaviour has left permanent scars on our mental health. I'm mostly free of the issues now, but I am supporting two young people through their issues, and counselling has shown their issues are a direct result of his behaviour. I still beat myself up for not recognising it sooner and leaving before now, as the DCs may not have been so badly affected.

And the OP is not breaking up the family unit. She is taking herself and the children out of an abusive situation. This is in the best interests for the children.

Your posts give me the impression of an apologist for poor male beaviour. Are you perhaps the DH in disguise?

It'adventure
You appear to be overinvested in this.
You also seem to oddly and wrongly believe that a woman requesting a divorce is somehow wrong and that she should be punished.
The OP isn't abandoning her children, she is being responsible in modelling behaviour for her children that it is unhealthy to remain in a dysfunctional relationship /marriage.
it'sadventure I think your attitude is extremely unhealthy.

Ok, everyone. I don’t know this woman’s story, and you know what they say - her version, his version and the truth. She is making a gigantic decision that will affect all their lives for good. You always talk about power, who’s got the power. She does. She can’t decide now that her husband needs to stay where he’s unhappy - neither should any man who leaves his family and puts his wife in that position. For the record, I babysat lots of diplomats’ kids when I was younger. Kids who had lived their whole lives moving around from country to country, and I always envied them. They were incredibly well-cultured, very aware of social issues and respectful and fond of each country they were lucky enough to live on. If consistency and stability are the best thing for kids - too bad, they lost it when the mother left. Their lives will never be the same. Geographical continuity is the least of their concerns.

She is making a gigantic decision that will affect all their lives for good.

It's not actually that gigantic if, as will happen, everyone stays in the same country until the children are grown. The parents will just live in different households, but their family, friends, schools etc will remain the same.

Which, presumably, they would have anyway even if she hadn't made this decision...

The far more gigantic change is for parents to split AND children to move countries. No? Do you have an argument to refute that?

You always talk about power, who’s got the power. She does.

(Who "always" talks about power? You're the dh aren't you? Lol)

She has the power to end her marriage, that's all.

He has the power to stay where the kids grew up so far, or leave them there.

She can’t decide now that her husband needs to stay where he’s unhappy

But she hasn't decided that though.
She's decided to end the marriage.
He can decide if he wants to stay where the kids are, or move somewhere else without them.

It's not brain surgery. Again, how the dad feels doesn't matter.

You waffling about diplomats' children has nothing to do with anything. Courts don't care what your random diplomat friends do.

The best interests of children are very rarely that they should follow their ft-working father to a country that they didn't grow up in, leaving their primary carer mother behind. You don't have to like that but it remains the truth.

Dad needs to dry his eyes and get on with it. His feelings literally do not matter in the slightest.

Itsadventuretime
I am a diplomat's child and therfore I know exactly what it is like to live in different countries. Your babysitting of diplomats children does not make you an expert in this field. Personally, I loved every minute of living in different countries, but my sister didn't and would have preferred living in one country. While my point is not helpful to the OP, I think using an opinion on something you know nothing about can be irresponsible.

'Geographical consistency' is a priority and should be a concern.

Itsadventuretime

Different point of view, for the sake of discussion - you are the one who initiated the separation, correct? So you can have a new start? You knew this would affect your relationship/bond/time with your kids. Does he not deserve a chance to a new start? Why does he have to have his life blocked or his bond with the kids broken?

The OP initiated the divorce because the marriage is over. It benefits no-one to live in a loveless marriage, especially not the children. They are settled in this country. They wouldn't have the same benefits as diplomats' children if they were moved abroad with their father. Diplomats' children have easy access to both parents and fees paid at English speaking schools.

You seem a bit misogynistic. What draws you to a site like Mumsnet? Why do you have no understanding of women's rights?

OP, have a look at reunite.org for help on possible abduction issues. There is lots of advice there. If the is taking about removing the children to a different country, do take him seriously and put in place the necessary safeguards to stop this happening.

Just ignore adventuretime, it's been bitch plopping on loAds of threads today. Clearly just craves attention,

Hide your passports at someone elses house. Get savvy on finances. Go for unreasonable behaviour.

This is not a discussion, it’s a circle jerk of LTB/screw the man. How can this be useful or empowering to anyone? A group of people accusing those with a different view of not knowing anything about anything while they themselves make wild assumptions and, well, are clueless. Incredibly narrow-minded and one-tracked.

I think the advice to help to hide birth certificates and passports is useful and not a meaningless circle jerk of LTB. I would hide the marriage certificate as well and make the first move to divorce.

You know he’s a grade one shit and so do we. Time to do something about it!

Lol itsadventure

He'll get even nastier when he knows you are going ahead with the solicitor thing. Prepare yourself for a hard journey ahead.

My friend is divorced from his Swedish wife. They have one child. They moved to Sweden about four years ago, but were married and child born in uk. She’s since had a baby to her Swedish fiancé.
I don’t know what happened but it must’ve been serious. She had both children removed from her and put in the care of the fiancé and his parents.
My friend has spent a fortune to get his child back. He loves him dearly but he’s got nowhere under Swedish law
The child is with foster parents.
It’s the most unholy mess . He’s a broken man . I hope you can do everything you can to keep your children in this country.