How do I decide what to do?

[Andijustknew]

I'm pretty sure my marriage is not going to last. At best I think we limp on a few more years. Life's not horrible. It's pretty good really and generally I am happy. I'm happy in my life but not in my marriage.
He's not the love of my life, we're not best friends. I'm fond of him sometimes, and sometimes so full of resentment I could cheerfully never see him again.
He's away for a few days and I won't miss him at all I never do.
It's not just love gone cold, over the years he has at times (frequently) treated me badly. It came to a head in the summer and I told him it was over. I had the chance to leave but didnt take it. He promised to change and to be honest he's done all I've asked.
He's changed his behaviour but he hasn't really changed as a person. I'm beginning to think that I've stopped loving him and there's no way back now.
Do I just be honest with him? Or do I keep my cards to my chest a bit longer? With the benefit of waiting being I'd be better off financially and kids (10 and 5) would be older.
I'd particularly like it if DS was old enough not to 'have' to see his dad if he didn't want to as they clash.
We have a family holiday booked in a few weeks which will be nice and we'll all enjoy it. But at the same time i'm not looking forward to the fact I have to keep up the pretence with DH that i'm in love with him.
Anyone been in a similar position? Any advice?

I’m in a very similar position now. I could have written your post actually.

I keep thinking it’s better to show my children that it’s ok to walk away from an unhappy relationship, but it would be much better financially to wait until early next year . I would be able to keep the house then, but not now.

Currently sat upstairs alone just because I don’t want to make small talk or pretend everything is fine. Sorry I can’t help, but you’re not alone.

BifsWif it's awful isn't it.
I wish I could snap my fingers and it be done. I don't think I can bring myself to do it though. Create the fallout.

Me too. To get to where I want to be, I’ve got to turn my DC’s world upside down.

I’m not sleeping well because of the worry, which is making me feel more emotional. I keep getting right to the brink of doing it and then pulling back and just carrying on. I have no doubt that if we didn’t have children we wouldn’t be together now, which tells me all I need to know really.

But at the same time it's because of the kids that I have to do it.
I don't want DD to be in a marriage like this.

Me either. My daughter is 4, my son 8. I don’t want them to think this is normal.

It’s so hard isn’t it? There’s always a reason to wait a bit longer, but I wish I’d have left a year ago and we’d be through the worst of it now.

Snap. I kick myself for not going. I had a real sliding doors moment and I wonder what would have happened if I'd just done it.
At that point I had anger motivating me. Now I don't feel anything that strong.

I don’t really feel anything. I hope you find happiness, I think even reading back it’s obvious that we both should leave.

Andijustknew

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. Why limp on like this, its not fair on anyone is it?. What are you so afraid of?. Why is change so bad?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. You are showing them that a loveless marriage is their "norm" too. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective we might question the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children.”
If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can.

Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

If you really do not want to show your kids such a relationship then do not teach them that because you yourself are so afraid of change they are instead being used as a reason to stay. These young people cannot and should not be used as the glue to bind you and he together.. It is no relationship model to be teaching your children; you are simply showing them that their parents relationship was based on a lie and its a heavy burden to place upon them.

Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is the adversarial and contentious process of divorce, if continued, that may wreak damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

I'm 18 months on from ending my marriage. Things have been up and down. But at the moment. Things are ok. I just wanted to give you a little hope. That things can be better. And i wish you happiness

I've never been good at short term pain for long term gain.
One of the things that horrifies me most is the thought of the inevitable few weeks of living together once I've told him, as neither of us has a place to go whilst sorting out accomodation.
It's not totally devoid of affection. We have perfectly amiable conversations, and share a laugh etc. If it was out and out awful it would be easier to leave.

Thank you Attila and Daniel

Wait till they are older. Also consider that once your kids are older they could get asked about where they want to stay and they may say their dad and you need to consider this. A lot of partners are asking for 50% custody so bear in mind you may lose 50% of time with your kids. Lots to think about.

I waited till mine were older in the end where I was financially a bit more stable and I'm relieved I did. I also wasn't in an awful marriage just not a particularly wonderful one.

OP I'm in the same position as you too. After years of shitty treatment I just don't love him in the same way any more. We get on and I wouldn't say there's a bad atmosphere or anything, it's just that my feelings towards him are completely flat. I kind of know I should leave too but am also putting it off, for financial reasons and not wanting to upset the kids' lives by having to move house etc. So I don't have any advice sorry, but I do sympathise with your situation.

DaffoDeffo I have thought about whether it's bad enough to accept I don't spend every Christmas with them, that they'd go on holiday without me etc. At the moment I don't think it is bad enough for that sacrifice.

Topper thanks for your response, horrible isn't it.

Yup even in a 'normal' divorce it's every other weekend and half the school holidays. When you've had them 100%, it is a bloody great shock suddenly losing them for all that time. Xmas becomes a debate every year. You all try to play nice families on their birthdays. Your xh may get another partner v quickly and then you have your kids staying with another woman looking after them.

Not trying to put you off but just spelling out the reality. Obviously in a worse marriage all of this makes sense. But in one that is so so it does make it harder.

Sorry you aren't happy though - it is v tough being in this type of marriage.

I think DH would soon get sick of that level of childcare. But I can't bank on it. It's a possibility that I have to face.

Can you see a solicitor and just find out what the likely financial situation would be if and when you split up? At least you can start planning then

I have done that in the past, so I'm pretty sure of the likely outcome.
I think I need to let things lie for now.

The funny thing is, I don't miss him at all and things are generally a lot smoother when he's not here.
However when he calls and we speak on the phone or we spend an evening together it's pleasant, nice, normal like any other couple.
It just seems like as soon as he does something to piss me off my tolerance levels are so low, I'm just like no, I've had enough of this shit.
He does very little around the house and has managed to turn it round to an arguement where he's the victim each and every time I raise it. And yet still claims all I have to do is ask and he'll help
I actually don't want his help any more as i'm scared that if he does, completely changes, I'll still want to seperate and I'll have to admit I just don't like him, we're not suited and made a mistske which I've been trying to stick with for years now, to see it through iyswim.

Exactly how marriage break down and end, years of resentment caused by a partner that just does not engage or contribute fairly; I'd not waste any more time if possible OP and start living a better life; feeling ok is not good enough, you should have it all.

Being financially stable is very important. I would hang on in, if you can until you think you would be more secure.

My marriage is similar. I wish I had left four years ago, because now I'm stuck waiting for my youngest to get through transition to secondary school as I don't want to mess up his chances.
But then eldest will have begun GCSE, so it's all a bit of a mess.
My two have Asperger's so I very wary of making changes in their lives

I think I need to stop being so passive and actually start doing the things I feel i'm not able to do because of him, and just stuff him really.
I have started. I no longer say no to invitations just because it's easier not to go. He's noticed, and commented. But I've just said it's not unreasonable of me to go for a drink or whatever.
It is better than ok though really. I would say I do enjoy spending time with him, and family time but have no desire for more couple time, a weekend away for example.
It's hard to explain, I don't really know why I don't hate him after some of the things he's done.

Reading my posts back, one minute i'm saying I don't like him, the next Im saying I do. And that's how it feels in real life too.
Sorry to all of you in a similar position