How do I decide what to do?

[Andijustknew]

I'm pretty sure my marriage is not going to last. At best I think we limp on a few more years. Life's not horrible. It's pretty good really and generally I am happy. I'm happy in my life but not in my marriage.
He's not the love of my life, we're not best friends. I'm fond of him sometimes, and sometimes so full of resentment I could cheerfully never see him again.
He's away for a few days and I won't miss him at all I never do.
It's not just love gone cold, over the years he has at times (frequently) treated me badly. It came to a head in the summer and I told him it was over. I had the chance to leave but didnt take it. He promised to change and to be honest he's done all I've asked.
He's changed his behaviour but he hasn't really changed as a person. I'm beginning to think that I've stopped loving him and there's no way back now.
Do I just be honest with him? Or do I keep my cards to my chest a bit longer? With the benefit of waiting being I'd be better off financially and kids (10 and 5) would be older.
I'd particularly like it if DS was old enough not to 'have' to see his dad if he didn't want to as they clash.
We have a family holiday booked in a few weeks which will be nice and we'll all enjoy it. But at the same time i'm not looking forward to the fact I have to keep up the pretence with DH that i'm in love with him.
Anyone been in a similar position? Any advice?

OP your posts sound so much like how I feel. I don't miss him when he's away and I like doing my own thing, but I find I do enjoy his company when he is there and I feel I would miss his presence if he weren't around at all. On the other hand I spend a lot of time resenting him for not helping out much around the house or with the kids and thinking I might as well be on my own. It's weird and it's for reasons like this that I can't work out if I'd be better off without him or not.

I've also given up asking him to do more as I simply can't be bothered with any argument it might cause. Also, like you, I don't hate him even though he's treated me like shit in the past. I just don't have any feelings towards him at all. I think it's a protective thing.

It's so hard. Even on this thread there has been conflicting advice. Leave and pursue a chance to be truly happy and in a healthy relationship? But then risk financial insecurity and not seeing your kids as much? Or stay for the security and the kids but sacrifice the chance for happiness? I don't know what the answer is.

I can't work it out either.
I tried kicking back and there were so many rows that it was just awful for the children.
If this was happening in times gone by, when divorce wasn't an option I think I could have a kind of happiness, where we semi live seperate lives. But DH wants me to love him, he wants a sex life, he wants a wife that wants him.
So I can't slope off and live my own life, together but apart because then he wants more and asks me what's wrong.
I have to our up a pretence that is such hard work!

I was like this.

He'd treated me like shit for so long, completely taken me for granted. And then when it all came to almost too late, he turned his behaviour round. But he couldn't erase the damage that he'd done - and I couldn't reverse the fact I didn't love him anymore. I kept thinking maybe I could again if (insert improbable reason). But I think once you're at that point, it's game over.

I was willing him to do something so awful again so I could leave this time, but he didn't and I felt like I'd missed my chance. I resented the fact that he was behaving mostly well, because it meant I didn't have my 'reason'.

Somebody on here said to me 'if you smash a plate, you can say sorry to the plate and even put the plate back together, but it's still broken."

It wasn't unbearable and I could have carried on longer but the inner dialogue I was having with myself about it constantly ground me down. In the end it wasn't him making me unhappy, it was myself.

I honestly think once you reach the point you describe, it's only a matter of time before you wake up and know what you have to do.

I think Stink might be right.

Yes! I do feel like I've missed my chance. He's reassessed where my line is and he's not going to cross it again. I gave him a chance firmly believing he couldn't do it and I could leave knowing I'd given it my all.
Leaving now would mean me saying you just don't make me happy. Not you've been behaving like a bastard.
I also wish he'd do something awful again and I could have my justification to leave.

Yes Topper me too.

The inner dialogue stink mentions, any time i'm alone and unoccupied it's what I think about.
I'm an overthinker anyway which stalls me when it comes to decision making.
When it came to a head in the summer it was my feelings I was listening to. It was anger. And any time I started to think, but what about x y z, I'd force myself to think no! No matter what it will work out but I cannon stay in this awful marriage!! I had anger!

I posted on here about it time and time again. Everyone told me, 'you don't need a reason, the fact you don't want to be in the marriage anymore is a good enough reason'. But to me that wasn't good enough, it was selfish and I should try but I didn't know how to 'want' to try.

He obviously wants your marriage to work and isn't going to give you new justification. You do already have it though. He broke the plate, you tried to keep the marriage going, but it was too broken.

You might not be able to forget what he did, but he will and the longer it goes on, he'll rewrite history until everything he did to you will erased from his mind. All he will see is that he tried to be a good husband, he did everything you asked and did nothing wrong and you didn't even try. So it will get harder to justify to yourself.

Joint counselling helped for us (well, for me). It helped me find the courage to say I wanted out.

Oh my God you're so right. He already rewrites history. Maybe I do too. All this time I thought if only he'd stop doing this thing, everything would be fine. And he has, but it's not fine.
Am I hoping my feelings of affection will return?
As well as this particular big issue, there a loads of small ways in which we are incompatible. Some I could expect him to change like housework, but others are just differences in personality that have started to grate!
Picture the scene, he's dancing around the kitchen singing disney with DD and I grumble away doing the dishes saying "i'll just do this then, don't worry about me". Dads the fun one and i'm a miserable bitch, being passive agressive because of the resentment inside.

Yes, the resentment is the killer!

Right now I have a lovely new partner. He really IS the love of my life and made me realise I didn't feel a fraction of what I should have for my ex. But, recently, we've been having a really tough time, new business, miscarriage, house move. To be quite frank, he's driven me nuts for a number of different reasons. Like, really nuts.

But lately, I've noticed a little resentment creeping in and he's noticed it too. I've been on his case and he's been defensive. We both recognised it and had a big talk one or two nights back. It's quite scary actually because I think of how it could have gone if we hadn't talked about it. He'd have carried on doing these things that made me seethe and I'd have carried on picking on him for everything because every little thing would have started to get on my nerves. But now everything feels good again. No surplus resentment for other things to pile up on.

Unless you can find a way to get rid of the resentment and start with a clean slate, how can you go forward? Definitely not without help anyway.

If your daughter heard you what would she have thought? Mummy's a grump?
What will that turn in to over time? You will be the miserable, grumpy one, not him. He has what he wants.

After I left, my friends would comment that the old me had come back. I hadn't realised it but they say I had changed and was suddenly 'lighter' again.

Thank you stink your advice has been very helpful.

I was where you are now but five years ago. I was vacillating between wanting to stay as a family and yet leave someone I didn't like. In the end things got so bad I asked my EXDH to leave. I had no job and £200 in the bank. It was the scariest thing I've ever done and I don't regret it for a minute.

Financially I've taken quite a hit. My divorce got messy. My ex loathes me. But I have two wonderful, funny kids who know the real me and not the person I'd become out of unhappiness. I parent 95% alone and that creates real pressure, as does my financial situation, however I'm happier than ever. I have a new partner who adores me, and supports me in every way. I had the courage to pursue my Aspergers diagnosis without fear of distain or ridicule, and I have a lovely home that's full of people and love. My kids are thriving and so am I. I have travelled loads in my child free time and although I still don't own my house or have any real money put aside, I'm really living again. My marriage made me feel like I was drowning. Being brave set me free again.

Good luck OP.

I was like this - put up with an unhappy marriage for years, telling myself that it wasn't too bad. I was quite happy with my life in general, but happy in spite of him, not because of him iyswim.

Finally just got too much for me, and I had to finish it (after 29 years!) The relief now is incredible, but I think I did a lot of damage by not being brave enough to do it sooner. My dc are in their 20s now, and I can see that they are both poor at forming and maintaining relationships - not surprising when they've never had a good example of how a marriage/long-term relationship should be; just him being passive aggressive and manipulative and me burying my head in the sand.

I think I've also lost a bit of self respect for putting up with this "inadequate" marriage for so long - why didn't I think that I deserved more than that?

I would advocate bravery; I know it's difficult to do with young children but they will be damaged by seeing this play out, even if you think that they haven't noticed.

Good luck.

I think this rings true for many marriages, op, you are certainly not alone.

It takes a lot of courage to make the move, most people on here will say they are glad they did, in retrospect.

You really do only live once, and doing so in an unhappy marriage is a terrible shame. You deserve to be happy.

Good luck 💐 same goes to the others on this thread who have posted similarly.

I don't have personal experience of your situation, but I have had friends over the years that have, and I've seen how liberated and how much happier they feel when they finally set themselves free.

I'd also say, given the ages of your children, that now would be the best time, unless staying for a short while longer would make a big financial difference to your life after. I think separation/divorce can be a lot harder on teens because they have so much upheaval of their own going on, without having to deal with family stuff as well. Obviously many will be fine, but give the choice I'd say better to do it with a ten year old than wait until the the dc is pre-teen/teen.

This is enlightening too Dads the fun one and i'm a miserable bitch, being passive agressive because of the resentment inside. You have time still to show your DC the real you, the fun you, the happy and contented you. They will have picked up on your resentment, the example you gave is, I'm sure, just one of many instances where they will have sensed that. Another good reason to go now, so that you will still have a good few years with them before they are off to uni or leaving home, to let them see you happy. In two or three more years your eldest dc will be at the living in the bedroom and only coming out for food and friends stage. Don't leave it until them, as it will be so much harder to re-engage with them.

In all honesty too, although he's not your priority, you've said your H wants more from his relationship, so it's not really fair to let this drag on for further years.

Maybe a bit of reading might help.
THIS BOOK is often recommended on here.

Another thought. I've recently lost a sibling. My very best friend. The cancer hit and within a year she was gone.
47 years old and no longer here.
Life is short - sometimes very short and taken without warning.
Do NOT settle!
Live the best life you can for you.
Don't keep putting things off.

hellsbells thank you for sharing that sad news about your sister, I will be reading the book thank you.
And thank you to everyone else for their advice too.
I think I know which way this is going, and if that's the case, what am I waiting for?
To wake up one morning, either loving him or hating him.

Hi OP, I could have written your post. In fact I have my own now in relationships about divorcing my 'nice' husband. You're not alone! I had a free half hour this morning with a solicitor. Was useful. I'm currently a stay at home mum with two small children. It's so lonely and I know how you feel. I may play the waiting game too, one more year whilst I get a part time job and or study. I just don't know. I'm not sleeping well either.

You don't hate him for the things you've done because you don't
care enough to hate him.

I left an unhappy marriage. It wasn't awful, I just didn't want to grow
old with him (he could be lovely but had a dark side). I stayed years longer than I should have out of fear of change but I did it and you know what, I survived. It was hard at the time and still has it's moments, but me and DS got through it, my exDH got through it, life went on.

There will always be a reason to stay, always. But life is short, tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Dig deep, big breaths and go for it. The sooner you do it, the sooner you will heal.

don't hate him for the things HE"S done that should read!!

Are you me?!? This is my relationship exactly.

My main issue though is I'm so bloody lonely. But he says I'm not and I can't possibly be?!?! So I guess I'm not then

I'm not in a position to leave - the best I can do is make the best of things. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other is what I told myself last night.

But I fully understand.

I just saw your thank you post. You are very welcome.
It feels a bit funny relaying you're own experience, as though you think you are some bloody expert. I don't, I just completely identified with what you said.

I really hope you do what's right for you

I know this goes pretty much against all the advice you got on here, but as I’m the one on the other side of a “I’m not feeling it anymore”, maybe this article will help give you another perspective. Keep in mind I’m not aware of the efforts you’ve already made - but maybe a different take helps out :) www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/when-i-dont-feel-love-for-my-spouse/

Totally not into the religious aspect of that article, but I identify with the rest of it quite a lot. You can’t choose who you’re attracted to, but you can choose to love someone who you know you had that basis with, and for good reason. Unless of course, you were never into him.

stink can I ask if there was one particular moment when you knew you were going to end the relationship?