So go on then...offer me some advice...

[shhhh]

My problems are dh..well really when he has lads night out. We have a dd (2) and a ds (14 weeks and ill/under medical treatment atm). I don't mind dh going out at all BUT what I am against is the length of time he is out. Since ds has been born (to give guidance)dh has been out around 6 times so roughy every 2/3 weeks..

What annoys me is the fact that although he helps out with dd and ds before hand all the childcare is left upto me the following day as dh is usually to ill to help. DS has a stoma fitted so life is not "normal" atm and there is extra work iykwim. Im a sahm so my weekends really are my chance to have a break or at least to get some help. It is my weekend as well...
DH atm is in a routine of going out with the lads at night and doesn't return home anytime till 4/5/6/6.30am....I persoannly don't find this acceptable and each time he's done it including since before ds was born I have told him so. BUT each time the next morning he's apologetic, it will never happen again, he was out of order blah de dah..BUT weeks later it all happens again.

The last few occasions dh has promised he doesn't want to and won't go out till july (stag do) yet there is always an occasion for him to end up going out and this weekend it was the fa cup. He was out from 3pm and never came home till this morning at 5am. (he promised a last orders home time..11/11.30pm) needless to say he was loacked out and only due to my generosity he spent the night in his car.

Advice please. I have disucss things again with dh but tbh he thinks I must be stupid and yet again I have been promised the earth..Im not prepared to go through it all again, I find it unfair for a 31 year old father of 2 to behave this way. Yeah sure go out now and then but not till the next morning...

I have told he's now backed me into a corner and my only option is to leave but he's calling my bluff and I know he's thinking "yeah yeah, how many times have I heard this.." I don't want a life of this and I want and deserve better. He can't explain why he does what he does but says he gets carried away. I think he has a drink problem but he won't admit it although agrees hes a binge drinker.
Unless I make a stand now I can see me having a life of this..a 50 year old still coming home at 5am..?? He's inbetween contracts atm and ds is ill as I stated before so I know this is addedd stress but tbh he's like this without the above...

So whats my options....

He will be a 50yr old coming home at 5am if you let this continue.

My dad was

He went out without my mum always. And he sat in pubs, then went to peoples houses, strangers houses, or brought them home to ours & woke everyone up!

Make him see that is being being an absolute selfish bastard!

It's not fair on you.

I'm sorry to say, but you are going to have to make a stand. Because of you let him keep doing this, he will continue to do it!

you really do need to take a stand, my ex was like this, and he was a 40 something coming hom at those times, by the time i got the oomph to end the relationship

to my ex, he didnt have a drink problem, to me he had a v serious one, and one he made no effort to do anything about

it came before everything, he used to do the same, nip out for "half an hour" , and turn up at 5am

he was especially good at doing it when i was sick or one of hte kids were

i'm really sorry you are going through this, but your options are really only 3 imo

1. put up with it and say nothing
2. try and make him see the effect it is having/will have on your family, and hope he will be proactive and do something about it
3. ask him to leave

good luck

thats my worry firefly..Not this time but the last time he went out he ended up with his mates at their uncles 50th..Can't remember where or why etc and I told him its quite bizarre behaviour..once sober he agrees BUT I honestly don't know how to make him see sense when it comes to the lads going out.

I suggested telling them when they call " Thanks for the offer" and to switch off his phone that night as usually what happens is they pester and pester to get each other to give in. I know dh is not totally innocent BUT I feel his mates don't help. They know how I feel etc but never seem to support each other in the sense that " oh x got in bother last time so I won't ask him out etc" iykwim. Suppose they are different to us women.

My dad never did when dh is doing and neither did his dad but all he relpies is that its a different generation.

A few time ago he did manage a early hometime (2am..well it was for him) BUT he just left the group and never said bye etc.

I just feel like im talking to a wall.I have said he's selfish etc and he agrees but then makes me out to be ott or that I have a problem or agrees..till next time.
Even his mates and their partners see me as ott yet their partners don;t come in like dh does every time or they are working when they are out or they have no kids or basically they don;'t give a shit what their other half is up to. They forget as a sahm my weekends are a rest as well and dh going out as he does, does NOT give me a rest.

You need to take a stand then.

My mum looked after 8 of us all week.

I remember clearly my dad coming home one night at 4,30am and waking us up to watch a thunderstorm.

I hate the thunder.

Make him see that he is not being a proper dad to his kids.

He's not being a proper partner to you either. You can't trust him. Trust is vital in a relationship.

And as Lou says, he needs to understand that he has a problem.

Is it possible for you to have a night out and leave him on his own with the kids. I don't mean do it in a stroppy way or do the same as him - i'm sure being a mother of 2 kids you wouldn't last drinking till 5am anyway. I just mean could you have a 'normal' night out and then stay at your mums or sisters or friends just till morning so he knows what it's like putting kids to bed on his own and being on his own next morning.

I suggest telling him that you need a full night away from kids and you'll be back in morning, you don't have to say it in a stroppy way cos that will just get his back up. Just tell him that's what you're doing and then when you get back maybe you could both have a chat about how hard it is when you're on your own.

I sometimes think men just don't realise how hard it is (because women make it look easy cos we can multi task so well!)

thanks lou33. (I have some knowledge of your past iykwim)
Well..

1. I have put up with it for to long..11 years to be exact and I now feel that not just dh BUT others see me as a push over as I have threated so many times but im still here...

2.I have explained that I don't want dd or ds to start realising how daddy is. ATM dd thinks the sun shines out of dh's arse and esp as im with her 24/7 she is always "dadda, dadda" iykwim. Today I opened the door to let him in at 9.30am, partly to allow dd to see him coming in at that time although no idea why as she doesn't understand. Just don't want her to see dadda sleeping in the car or on the couch or even going out at 3pm to watch footie and not returning till way past her bed time. In the past he's promised to be back for her bed time....he let her down, but this will be noticed one day by her.

1. I have told him to leave and to give me space but he won't..say's it not an option as he wants us to stay together and that we can work things through.

I personally don't see things changing unless I make a change but im lost.....

oh god - i am the lone voice of dissent!

i dont think its unreasonable. it may be unequitable that he goes out gets shitfaced and you dont - but i rather thing YOU shoudl do something about that rather than him.

one every fortnight to three weeks. thats not unreasonable IMO.

I think my message is that he should curtain his pissfacedness becuase you don't do pissfacedness - for whatever reason.

it's a partnership - therefore you should get some time away - but thats for YOU to organise rather than depending on his company all the time. i mean your with him most of the time - some time away for pissfacedness one every fortnight to three weeks isn't outragous.

Agree, to an extent, with custardo. If he was doing this every night or even every weekend then it would be thoroughly selfish behaviour, but once every three weeks or so is not that bad.
I think you need a night out at least that often, though. Leaving him with the DCs. if, for instance, you were taking it in turns ie each gooing out every other weekend then it perhaps wouldn't stress you so much as it would be fairer all round.

see I have had a night out and he's been left with the dk's so he knows how hard it is BUT it makes not one bit of difference.

He spoke to his mum a few weeks ago ( night he was home earlish) and was so against a mate who rolled home at 4am.. He was full of himself " oh x is out of order coming in so late..look at me today, full of beans and able to help with the dk's and I don't feel ill. Its not fair doing what I was and coming home at 5am and leaving shhhh to do all with the dk's" etc.

Now look at him....roll on 3 weeks and he's done the same.

In fact while reading your replies dh has just popped over to me and read this thread..its given no reaction from him other than " well ds is sleeping through now so its not so hard" well that is unless you are up with them several times during the night like I was last night.!

I have had a night out around 4 weeks ago and went out once the dk's were in bed at 8pm and arrived home at 2.30am. I was so ill the next day I spent it in bed. I felt awful esp as I wanted to help with the dk's but couldn't. I can honestly say im in no rush to get out drinking although I know I can do shopping trips etc...I know however that if I leave dh with the dk's they will be in pj's all day etc. Also he will do it for "points" so the next time he wants to have a night out he can say "well...... "

Sorry to come back to your suggestions but I have been through every possible senario...dh just ends up getting defensive saying he can do what he wants and why should he stop going out. Doesn't get that its not the night out but the time home.....

Arrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

My dh goes away for a weekend every year. From Thursday evening til Monday morning they go to Isle Of Man TT races. He gets pissed, has good craic with the lads & comes home to me.

I think if it were every fortnight, as my dad was at it every week, I wouldn't like it.

He also goes to another motorbike race locally. He left last Sat morn at 9am drinking beer, he came home at 11.45pm sober as a judge He had been for a pizza and had to walk out of the village home again, nothing bettwe to sober him up IMO

But I deffo wouldn't put up with it every fortnight, screams of disrespect to me. Esp if you don't go out & have your nights out too. So maybe if you organised some nights out for yourself it wouldn't seem as bad??

sorry custardo and madamez..I disagree.

So you find it acceptable for a grown man to walk the streets in search of beer..?

Pu it this way...if I was to come home at 5am (god I couldn't summons up so much energy) then he would kill me. Reason why..because its out of character.

But we all have different views and I don't agree that a happliy married couple should have so much of an existance away from each other. My parents never did..his never did...What happens next...? He gets into a regular patter and meets the same girls at the same place or heaven forbid I go out regular (bearing in mind the girls don't venture out as often!) and I to get into a routine of bumping into the same people..given the fact that my dh is often shittfaced although given only 2/3 weekly I personally think its to easy to stray..... Im not concerned that he may meet someone else as I know he would say if it came to that BUT I can't understand why he has to stay out till so late..?????????

see kids in pj's whilst mum has a hangover isn't unusual in this house.

in fact - make yourself breakfast.... yes darling ofcourse just raid the fridge ...mummy has headache ....leave...alone...........

points thing does piss me off - men do this alot - i did the washing up FOR YOU.

gee whizz - oh thanks i wanted diamonds, but you doing that FOR ME oh, you washed YOU plate and the KIDS plates. i could have just washed MY OWN andsaved you the trouble. FUCK OFF dickhead. FOR ME? don't dome any fucking favours.

his kids. i hin the same fuck off analogy works

but think its not unreasonalbe re PJs all say and getting pissed every other week.

sorry I would still feel the same even if I had my night out..Its not just the amount of time so much BUT more the length of time he's out till....

Sorry but I married him to spend time with him NOT with my friends.

DH says the only way things will change is if we move BUT why should I move away from my family and friends because he has no self control..???

my standards are obviously different SHHH. but my opinion is there for you to consider should you want to.

As my therapist keeps saying, "does it really matter?"

I am a woman with a lot of shoulds and should nots in her head. I think we have to let them go and if we really, really can't then it is down to us to move on and find perfection elsewhere.

I'd like to say to you "of course he should not be out on the razz" but I musn't because there isn't a rule in this world that says mums or dads musn't do this or a time that every parent should be in bed by.

It's just you are two different people with two different viewpoints.

When he promises you change it's cos he wants to be able to change for you. He can't though and really, why should he?

You may be able to compromise but I suspect that you will find this difficult unless you can lose these ideals founded in some utopian land.

It's not your fault but he's not wrong either. You will have to accept or move on.

i think you can have a marriage and friends and depending on the person if you don't have both it can be claustrophobic and destructive. My dh is not the be all an end all of my soial existance. he wouldnt want to be and i wouldnt want him to be. i travel 300 miles and spend whole weekends away with my friends and family. He plays darts every tue and fri.

and once a month we may go to pub together an get mutually shitfaced.

but i realise each family works differently.

custardo not so easy when the dk's are 2years and 14 weeks..!

I agree with the points thing....oh and the " I did this for you" like emptying the dishwasher is for me..?!!

I agree custardo and I know dh and I are different yet so alike...

I met him when I was 17 (11 years ago) and I suppose my visions of our future have not gone as planned and I thought how he would be in 11 years time would not be how he was then....IMO he's still like he was at 21. Laughs at stupid unfunny things..records farts, still has stupid speak with his mates etc etc.
Maybe we are growing apart.

I just want respect and like I wouldn't come home at 5am I don't expect him to.

My parents are with each other 24/7 apart from work and I don't see that its done them any harm. Yeah sure I don't want to totally be like my parents but I suppose they are a sort of rolemodel. I felt secure as a kid knowing my dad and mum were home or enjoyed days out together and never came face to face with either parents hungover and I suppose I feel that how I want my family life to be. I agree that everyone is different but this is just me views and my desires.

I came here looking for advice on how to go forward and how next to deal with things.Your opinions are appreciated though .

Oh goodness shhh you are me!

Or I am you!

I look at my parents (less so now because I see their failings in neon) and I look at my relationships and on some fucked up unconscious level I am trying to have the success they had. The nothing much outside of their coupledom, the love and respect and not getting pissed up in each other's absence.

dig a little deeper and you may be able to let go of some of this ideal world stuff and still like your dh.

It is so hard for me to disagree with your pov like this because I AM that woman harping on about what a new dad should be doing and what time he should be home. God I am! But...I think/hope you can learn to be okay with a partner who acts like an immature twat. I thought I had to replace with a more grown up model but really if there is a lot of love there perhaps one is better accomodating some of the blokey immaturity. I mean, if he were being horrendously direspectful it would be different but he respects you big time. He just forgets because he needs to forget sometimes I guess.

See, I can't see how he respects me....

You see when I go out everything is done for dh right down to the bottles ready for during the night..dh decides to go out last minute yesterday after umming and ahhing and leaves me in a tizz....

No idea what feeds ds is up to, if his stoma has been changed etc. Nothing organised. I suppose thats just being a man, going out and thinking of number 1.

I honeslty don't think my opinion of him and his nights out will change...Like I initially said, I do't want to be an old woman and still going through this while my kids have their own lives.

Shock him, go, tell him, warm him, give him another chance, if not, F--k 'im. Is he really thinking of you and the DC,?? ahhh don't think so, not much respect going on. So Go. Sorry haven't read all threads so not sure if you could find somewhere to go. But hey, i always think, unhappy mum, unhappy DC. Each to there own, it's your opinion, and what you think is the right thing to do. but at 50, IMO he's taken the piss and sounds like he couldn't give a toss.

So your only option would be to find someone who, in your view, respects you and ticks all those boxes you need ticking.

I bet that sounds dreadful now which then takes you to the question "is it really worth it?" and if all this upset over some nights out does seem justified and worth it to you then you have to realise that you cannot change anybody so you have only one choice: move on. It's not like he doesn't realise where he's going wrong with you so there is nothing more you can do except wish your life away if you are going to stay hoping he'll change.

i say he respects you because he is not blind to your needs and does make some effort to change his ways. His ability to meet those needs as frequently and in the precise way that you wish is another thing though.

"IMO he's taken the piss and sounds like he couldn't give a toss"

thats my pov as well....its like each time he says what I want to hear then drops me again weeks later...ffs even times when he's ou and I have tried to call him and his mob rings out....and he says "call me if you need anything"...like he would answer.!

So why are you still there hoping he's somebody you already realise he is not?

thanks newlife....I have told him of loads of men we know (friends/neighbours) who don't go out to the extreme he does and he can't explain it...I just feel why me..why do I have to have the piss head. . He is a womderful daddy and a kind and thoughful husband but the drink leads him astray and I can't accept it..