So go on then...offer me some advice...

[shhhh]

My problems are dh..well really when he has lads night out. We have a dd (2) and a ds (14 weeks and ill/under medical treatment atm). I don't mind dh going out at all BUT what I am against is the length of time he is out. Since ds has been born (to give guidance)dh has been out around 6 times so roughy every 2/3 weeks..

What annoys me is the fact that although he helps out with dd and ds before hand all the childcare is left upto me the following day as dh is usually to ill to help. DS has a stoma fitted so life is not "normal" atm and there is extra work iykwim. Im a sahm so my weekends really are my chance to have a break or at least to get some help. It is my weekend as well...
DH atm is in a routine of going out with the lads at night and doesn't return home anytime till 4/5/6/6.30am....I persoannly don't find this acceptable and each time he's done it including since before ds was born I have told him so. BUT each time the next morning he's apologetic, it will never happen again, he was out of order blah de dah..BUT weeks later it all happens again.

The last few occasions dh has promised he doesn't want to and won't go out till july (stag do) yet there is always an occasion for him to end up going out and this weekend it was the fa cup. He was out from 3pm and never came home till this morning at 5am. (he promised a last orders home time..11/11.30pm) needless to say he was loacked out and only due to my generosity he spent the night in his car.

Advice please. I have disucss things again with dh but tbh he thinks I must be stupid and yet again I have been promised the earth..Im not prepared to go through it all again, I find it unfair for a 31 year old father of 2 to behave this way. Yeah sure go out now and then but not till the next morning...

I have told he's now backed me into a corner and my only option is to leave but he's calling my bluff and I know he's thinking "yeah yeah, how many times have I heard this.." I don't want a life of this and I want and deserve better. He can't explain why he does what he does but says he gets carried away. I think he has a drink problem but he won't admit it although agrees hes a binge drinker.
Unless I make a stand now I can see me having a life of this..a 50 year old still coming home at 5am..?? He's inbetween contracts atm and ds is ill as I stated before so I know this is addedd stress but tbh he's like this without the above...

So whats my options....

suppose I just have a glimmer of hope that he may just change this one time...

That was a rhetorical question btw!

You don't need permission to be less of a success than your parents apparently are y'know.
Leave if it will stop you being bitterly diappointed and let down.

easier said than done...He wouldn't take it that easily although wouldn't not be prepared to make the necessary changes and like others have said....why should he..

He says divorce is not an option and he's very traditional in that he doesn't believe in divorce..ah yeah but he believes in modern late hours drinking....

Its a big choice and decision to make esp with 2 lo's. Suppose tonight I just wanted to see my options...

Just one other thought if this has been going on a little while.

My ex husband still likes his mates night sout afaik but he seems to go home at sensible O'Clock these days from what I can gather.

Just wondering if, if you are like me, and give out all these vibes of expectation then it creates a viscious cycle and you become somthing that he is subconsciously running away from by staying out.?????

My ex MIL said to me "maybe you should go out" and I said that I had no desire to do what exdh was doing. She later said "maybe he's tried being a parent and can't hack it" WTF?

So, my outrage at the above hopefully shows you I do understand why you don't find this stuff acceptable. Deep down I don't either but not budging frommy ideals is gettign me nowhere.
Yeah we'd probably find a non staying out non drinking man as a replacement but you can guarantee they'd be miles from perfect in another way.

Perfect doesn't exist. Not for me, you or our parents.
x

if only.!! See times I don't mention a "home" time and he comes home the same time.. Hmmm..............

I agree though..maybe perfect isn't out there...

xx

Used to work with a man, my boss in fact, that insisted every evening after work we hit the bar/pub(as it was then). I was 18/19, happy to stop out until closing, or until after a club. (he was the boss, and would understand in the morning). I later found out he was a father to 3 young girls. I remember being horrified, why wasn't he home with wife and girls. He wasn't happy, didn't want to go home. His happiness was in the bottom of a pint and dram. I moved on career wise, however our paths crossed many times, 10 years later it was the same story for him but wifey got wise!! left him. 20 years later, still the same, still getting drunk after work, trying to kid himself he's a sex god and all 18 yo's want him. I think what i am trying to say involves leopards and spots.... unless you are both willing to try relate or AA... it's your choice... but whatever you do choose MN is here for you. good luck

oh tbh i am with a partner of 10 yrs. IMO perfect definitely does NOT exist. We have to change continually. The DC grow older and change then that changes our thoughts and opinions. You are never totally happy, fluffy clouds, star gazing, wonderfully behaved DC and DP IMO doesn't exist. That's why life is a roller coaster. We all hit bad spots, but we know good times are ahead. That's love. If you don't like the ride, get off.

i just want to say that i dont think going out is unreasonable but it is the way he is doing it that concerns me

he gets shitfaced once every three weeks FGS.

total over kill IMO

From what you have said about HIM rather than what he DOES...He is weak where his mates are concerned (can't say no) but is a decent bloke otherwise?
He needs to grow up and tell his mates that he'll keep going out every 2 weeks or so, but he'll be home at a normal hour that will allow him to be a FATHER to his kids at the weekend instead of sleeping it off.

But are you showing him respect for one thing he likes to do that is some time for himself and being a person other than a parent for a bit of time? i wonder whether it's a control thing - he's concerned you want him with you all the time and that if he comes home earlier you'll eventually expect him not to go out at all (which IMO isn't healthy for any marriage) and this night out is his one way of night off from parental responsibilities and standing up for himself - so he feels he has the right to do it (also presumably comes home to an angey wife each time which won't make him want to please you.) He's probably out later because of how you feel about it.

I don't think he'll change now (otherwise he would already have done so) I think you have to accept this (assuming, as you say that he's a great husband and father in all other ways) and consider what your equivalent to aks of him would be: eg afternoon off once a fortnight with him looking after the kids while you go for a pamper etc. See this night out as his time to destress from family life, do something for himself as an individual so he can come back to you as a better husband and father. Also suggest he stays with a friend the night he's out so you don't have the evening seething, wondering what time he's coming back and early morning row etc. Will also take the pressure off him. If he feels he can do this without pressure from you he may feel less need to make a point about it and might come home earlier or go out less - but this shouldn't be your expectation as this may be what he needs.

If he is basically a good man (and you will know that?) and this is his one area of being a pain for you - let him have it I reckon. If you support what he wants to do things will get better for you,at the very least by not getting so angry about it.

The view from one who's been there .....

PS the advice below is from the head of my DH rather than me (after several Relate sessions last year!)

i dont see whats wrong with sleeping it off - once every three weeks.

three effin weeks fgs.

Custardo, this might be ok with you, and that's fine.

But it's no OK with the OP.

And if it were my Dh it wouldn't be fine either.

When we go out, we go out together, or seperately, we are not in each others pockets, but imo there is no need for the Ops husband to go out and get "shit faced" every 3 weeks. They have young children, she is exhausted, one of the kids are ill.

Excellent post, uetli. It's not wrong or bad to want to spend time out away from parenthood occasionally, and it would be unduly controlling to insist that just because one partner is a housebound type, the other partner must be the same. The OP and her partner need to negotiate on this issue ie perhaps get him to agree to only one night out a month (and to take care of the kids while she has an equal amount of free time) if she agrees no more nagging and whining about it?

Where exactly is he at 5 in the morning, mates houses?

If he really is a nice bloke but just likes to let loose every 3 weeks, and you trust that he isn't picking up women with his mates, why not meet him half way? One w/e you spend together, one he does his thing and the other you do what you want, be it lie-ins, shopping, go over to a mate etc. But he would have to pull his weight on your w/e or that would screw it for me.

thanks for the comments...imteresting reading them..

Let me put things straight, I DON'T EXPECT DH TO NEVER GO OUT...what I do expect is him to arrive home at a reasonable hour. I have disucss this again with him today and also said if he was th type of bloke who went to the local once a week I wouldn't bother BUT what bothers me is that if he was to go to the local weekly he would not arrive home till he couldn't walk..see what im saying...?! I don't do it and sorry to those who disagree with me BUT I don't expect him to do it.

If I was to go out and pamper myself weekly or monthly (hich dh would support 100%) it would involve me being out for a few hours not all fecking night.!

So.where is he till 5am....in a club or pub..late licenses have a lot to answer to imo. He doesn't go to friends houses but they choose to spend their time sat in some pub or club..Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Why does a married man/father want to do that..? Sorry but at 28 I don't want to do that esp when surrounded by chavvy 16 year olds.
I can only trust that dh is doing what he says he is BUT tbh who knows if his mates opt the attitude "what happens on a night out stays on a night out". I for one know that one of the lads (who he goes out with) wife adopts that attitude with the girls. Not my cup of tea at all..or should that read not my "glass if wine" at all..!

So im all for dh having his time out and would and do suggest he goes and plays footie or golf with the lads BUT this isn't good enough.

The group all had a meal out recently..3 couples and babies...lovely day and fun had by all..BUT..the lads got shit faced...so..who calls that fun..? Women look after the kids..? Sorry but thats my "job" and I don't expect to do it alone outside of work hours iykwim.

So, today I am no further forward, I have spoken to dh and he agrees its unfair blah de dah and says its not the life he want for him or his family BUT I don't see any future change..In fact he replied that I should stop idle threats of a split...He really doesn't realise how close Iam....

forgot to add. Yes things the rest of the time are good and he's a lovely doting father etc BUT I can't and won't put up with this...

Yeah yeah, I know its only every 2/3 weeks BUT what worries me is the state he gets into and how he is getting rid of his stress...IMO and looking at others..I feel that to go out to the entent he does (not the amount but for the time) is not good for a relationship.

Surley he can socialise without it revolving around a pub..Oh btw, when I go out little talking is done due to music level but lots of dancing...and we get chatted up by 30+ year old men...that leaves this question....what exactly does my dh do when out..??

He won't change, you are expecting too much and probably just pushing him further into wanting to escape all night.

and you're right, his behaviour is not good for your relationship, just as your expectations are not good for your relationship.

Sounds like you don't trust him either.

I think your only option is to accept this as part of your DH or leave (regardless of whether he thinks divorce is an option or not, you can still get a divorce).

Perhaps your DH could also do with widening his social circle; sounds like he is in a bit of a rut.

I would not actually worry yourself unduly about what he does when he is out - my guess is that they all just chat a lot as well as drink a lot too. Male friendships can be very mystifying to many women.

He is responsible for his own actions at the end of the day - you are not responsible for him.

My concern is his drinking. What does he exactly say about his drinking, does he think in his sober moments that he is drinking a bit too much on each occasion?.

In mnay ways you've grown up and he has stood still.

Many people do not actually realise the harm that binge drinking over a prolonged period of time can cause. I would like to know what actually triggers the drinking bouts every three weeks or so; do you think it is primarily due to the stress of also caring for two very young children one of whom is receiving medical attention or is there more to it than this alone (how long has he been drinking like this?).

Being out till all hours can put him at increased risk of being assaulted or robbed particularly if he's had a few too many. And no I do not feel I am being overtly dramatic here.

How is her expectations that he comes home at a reasonable hour not good for their relationship???

She has already said she wouldn't mind if he went to the local for a few pints/whatever, but he wouldn't come home until he was unable to stand up. Now, some people might think that was fine, the OP does not.

IMO, her dh thinks he is still a young fella, heading out til 5 or 6am to party with his friends, it's simply not fair.

Nobody has any need to stay out all hours of the night.

I don't actually blame her for having trust issues if he stays out til that time. All I have is experience of a father who did the exact same and a mum who put up with it. Many a time we had to walk into a pub and bring home the bread/milk/meat for the dinner, that went to the shop for 3 hours before hand, but bumped into a friend and made it as far as the bar

I also agree that it wasn't a thing for the guys to do the day you all met up. Why did they have to get drunk? And just out of interest, did the other girls mind that their dh's were drinking? How did you react when they started drinking?

It's the drinking bit that I am referring mostly too.

If he were out at a match/playing footie/dart etc a few nights a week [as my Dh does too!] I doubt I would be concerned, I just hate it when everything revolves around drink.

Mind you, I enjoy a drink as much as the next person so I am not just preaching about alcohol.

Whilst your situation is really quite sad, I personally think I would resign myself to the situation if I were you. After all this time you're not going to change it = 11 years and 2 kids ought to have, but they haven't. I'd be inclined to try a bit of reverse psychology before giving up hope too though.

I'd make no exceptions for him at home the next day (i.e. keeping the kids quiet or deliberately taking them out, nursing him etc ). I also wouldn't gloss over it with the kids I'd tell them daddy's ill because he drunk too much alcohol and tired because he didn't get in until the morning. Then I'd plan a really nice day for myself and the kids, whether it's having family or friends round for lunch, a friend round for coffee or a playdate for the children or going somewhere you otherwise wouldn't (child-friendly restaurant, softplay, butterfly farm whatever).

I'd also consider sending the children to your or dh's parents for a night to give you a bit of a weekend every so often.

Your dh doesn't think of you when he stays out silly hours so maybe a bit of his own medicine'll teach him the error of his ways. Or it'll show you where this relationship is going and prepare you for it.

FF2 you make a lot of good points in your post.

I think a lot of male socialising does also revolve around drink. Mr Dad used to play cards on a Friday night in the pub with his friends (my Mum hated that particularly when he used to knock the milk bottles over when he came in usually rat arsed) and my DH goes out once a week with his friends to have a drink and sometimes a meal with them too.

At DH's work they have Christmas and summer parties (both held for just employees - grr because I like some of his colleagues and I only get to see them once a year!!) and a lot of alcohol is drunk then as well.

I find the nature of male friendships to be quite different from that of female friendships.