So go on then...offer me some advice...

[shhhh]

My problems are dh..well really when he has lads night out. We have a dd (2) and a ds (14 weeks and ill/under medical treatment atm). I don't mind dh going out at all BUT what I am against is the length of time he is out. Since ds has been born (to give guidance)dh has been out around 6 times so roughy every 2/3 weeks..

What annoys me is the fact that although he helps out with dd and ds before hand all the childcare is left upto me the following day as dh is usually to ill to help. DS has a stoma fitted so life is not "normal" atm and there is extra work iykwim. Im a sahm so my weekends really are my chance to have a break or at least to get some help. It is my weekend as well...
DH atm is in a routine of going out with the lads at night and doesn't return home anytime till 4/5/6/6.30am....I persoannly don't find this acceptable and each time he's done it including since before ds was born I have told him so. BUT each time the next morning he's apologetic, it will never happen again, he was out of order blah de dah..BUT weeks later it all happens again.

The last few occasions dh has promised he doesn't want to and won't go out till july (stag do) yet there is always an occasion for him to end up going out and this weekend it was the fa cup. He was out from 3pm and never came home till this morning at 5am. (he promised a last orders home time..11/11.30pm) needless to say he was loacked out and only due to my generosity he spent the night in his car.

Advice please. I have disucss things again with dh but tbh he thinks I must be stupid and yet again I have been promised the earth..Im not prepared to go through it all again, I find it unfair for a 31 year old father of 2 to behave this way. Yeah sure go out now and then but not till the next morning...

I have told he's now backed me into a corner and my only option is to leave but he's calling my bluff and I know he's thinking "yeah yeah, how many times have I heard this.." I don't want a life of this and I want and deserve better. He can't explain why he does what he does but says he gets carried away. I think he has a drink problem but he won't admit it although agrees hes a binge drinker.
Unless I make a stand now I can see me having a life of this..a 50 year old still coming home at 5am..?? He's inbetween contracts atm and ds is ill as I stated before so I know this is addedd stress but tbh he's like this without the above...

So whats my options....

I agree attila esp as the friends he is with love this lifestyle and don't worry about how they look to their kids etc. Thing is that dh does mix with others who he has worked with in the past and they tend to visit classier places iykwim BUT still the same thing happens...Common factor in all this...yup dh...So think that avenue has been tried.!

Thing is dh says when sober how bad he feels, and that its unfair and that he hates socialising in this way BUT knows that he gets pestered to go out and once out doesn't know his limits. This he will admit but from what I can doesn't know how to stop it all. He has converstions with me (sober) where he craves a better social life and says that all is ok with us etc BUT this behaviour tells me different..
I think he does need to get out and to socialise and im not denying him that BUT I think there are better ways to socialise and relieve tensions etc. IMO its inpacting on me and making me doubt our relationship...

I agree with the point about assault etc. No I don't think you are being ott and agree totally. I fact I point this out to dh on a regular basis and while expecting ds dh went out and was still out at 6am...it was at this point that I finally expected the worse and time was spent ringing the local a&e..out of concern which Im sure if acceptable from a wife.! He laughs though and says he's capable of getting himself home safe.! what after 20 odd pints when I could push him over with my little finger.. hmmm...... .

I don't think we're saying it's not wrong (the amount of drinking as opposed to the going out), more that you can't at the end of the day control what he does if that's what he wants to do. FWIW he may not actually want to drink that much, but likes the social aspect and gets talked into it by his mates. A lot of male friendships revolve around the pub. Right or wrong that's the way it is. And it can be hard to say no. But you putting the pressure on is unlikely to make him stop, he has to decide that himself. I agree with the poster who said widening his social circule was the way to go.

BTW my DH eventually decided he'd had enough of it (in pub 4 weeknights out of 5 - was other stuff as well contributing to this) but found it hard given the social pressure - so when a chance to move abroad came up this was part of our decision to go. Now he goes for a couple maybe once a week instead and has lost over a stone just from that. But it was his decision - my efforts to change him just made it worse - it wasn't until I gave up and accepted it that it changed - which was weird...

Sorry crossed posts. it sounds like an awful time, but it also sounds like your DH is a good guy who's a bit weak willed and has some persuasive friends. In your shoes I wouldn't give up on him over this. Think I'm running out of advice and hopefully someone else will come along with some soon, but remember most men are generally not bas*ards but do have faults.....

Hugs....

shhh

He's being peer pressured and thus feels obligated to join in (all the other men in his group drink).

Can the two of you take up a class of some sort one evening a week; you know line dancing, badminton, scuba diving, salsa dance class?. The above suggestions may sounds trite (sorry) but both of you need to do something together as a couple. Something that both of you can have a laugh about together. At least drink would not be the main factor in any of the above and you could meet new people. I realise you've probably thought of such already (apologies if you have) and it would be undoutedly easier when your youngest is in better health.

You say he is between contracts; does he yet have another contract lined up?.

Would suggest you give Al-anon a call and talk with them about his drinking; they may be able to give you a few pointers. I think he could do with some help re his drinking bouts but if he is not prepared to admit to himself that he has a problem then you cannot persuade him otherwise. He needs to realise as well that alcohol is a depressent.

BTW do either of his parents drink to excess?. I am wondering as well if this is learnt behaviour.

Firefly, like you said, im also a drinker so im not totally against it BUT the difference is that I know my limits and tbh I actually hate getting pissed as my hangovers last a day+. I would much rather spend the day playing with dd or seeing to ds not sat on the couch feeling like im gonna puke at any moment..with 2 kids I have spent 18 months feeling like that!

What did the others think of the lads drinking...well one couple are like us in that the bloke gets carried away and his girlf hates it and they don't live local so he mixes very few times with the lads now...also he's in an awkward position due to a year or so when she was away he brough 2 other lads from the group back to his and one of their's "shag" pieces..She found out after discovering blond hair on the couch..she is brunette. . One of the lads involved his a friend of dh's and to this day HIS wife never found out that 3 blokes were in a house alone with some randon girl and she at the time was 8 months pregnant....So..that makes me ask myself..do I know dh's mates at all...?? would I be told if one was playing away..?
So I have the backing one of of the girls..the others in the group don't give a shit..mainly coz they either are working nights or can't wait to get rid of their dh's mainly becuase they have already spent an hour or so with them that day and even then it was too much (both partners work shifts so tend to be like ships in the nights..ds gets sent to gp's quite often...due to work..due to nights out..)
I have spoken to said friend before about this and honestly she doesn't care. Funny thing is..dh calls her a doormat .! So...he doesn't want someone like me yet he doesn't want someone opposite like her..

thanks Uetli . Utila..top of the class..!!!! YES both parents do drink alot although his dad can control it better than his mum. In fact his father pointed this out recently, how many times he's had to carry his dw home due to too much drink. So yes I knows its either genetic or from what he's seen. Just to give further info, I fell out with his mother due to her being to drunk around a year ago....I have first hand experience of drink and the problems it can cause.

Know what, I have suggested classes with dh but he thinks its not manly enough..I wanted to do salsa etc dancing but its a no go. TBH unless it was a meal or the pub I couldn't see "us" doing it..

sorry..atila...i meant to say..got names mixed up .

I would agree fully with Uetil's last two posts.

My DH also enjoys the social aspect of a night out and his friends can also be quite persuasive. It is strange to me as well (I can still in my minds eye see my Dad coming in rat arsed and broke after several bad hands of cards. My DH knows fully what I witnessed re my Dad's binge drinking so my opinion generally of all this is somewhat coloured). Male friendships are more social based/male bonding than emotionally based (like many close female friendships are).

The nature of male friendships has been a complete mystery for a long time but I am beginning to work it out now. You cannot make them change; any will to change has to come from within them.

shhh,

Do not worry yourself at all about getting the names mixed up!.

Here is the web address of al-anon:-
www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I would counsel you talk to them further re your DH. If your DH cannot or will not accept the binge drinking to be an ongoing problem then you cannot fix this. A will to address it needs to come from within him.

I was wondering if this was in any way learnt behaviour and it unfortunately does seem that way. This does not make it any easier for you at all.

Doing salsa classes not manly enough - sigh!. Its a pathetic excuse, of course men go to salsa dancing classes and it does not matter if you have two left feet!!. The purpose is for both of you to have fun without drink being the main focus of the evening. I suppose he thinks that binge drinking with his drinking buddies is somehow more fitting and manly. I wonder what, if anything, will make him change?.

I would be worried about where he is till that time in the morning...do you trust him?

Thanks attila.

Mmmm do I trust him..well seen as he's been like this for years and in that time we have got married and had 2 babies I suppose my answer should be yes but there is just a little part of me......

He replies "well im no david beckham" etc BUT as I point out, after a few drinks even the elephant man seems attractive.! Given the fact that im married to him etc there must be something there that attracts me and possibly other women iykwim.

I would like to believe that if he wanted to "wander" then he would speak to me first.