AIBU that a rug should induce an angry out burst.

[Restingbitchface101]

So I have been married for 4 years and have 2 gorgeous children. My husband is, I suspect, on the spectrum.
He needs to be part of every small decision made about our lives but he then needs to think about it for at least two weeks. I sometimes think he does this in the hopes I’ll forget about it.
He properly looses it if I make any decorating decisions without him. It’s just totally wearing me down.
In our living room we had a lovely leather sofa but due to space we had to take the chaise bit off. I covered the bottom with a blanket so it sort of blended in but it drove him nuts so we swapped it for an old cream fabric sofa. Now I don’t need to tell you what two under 5’s have done to the cream sofa! He also had a very shaggy rug which has unidentifiable black sticky stuff in it with the odd raisin, this with an old leather ottoman with one broken leg. He won’t let me get rid of any of it.
I got a new grey, non offensive, rug yesterday for the princely sum of £15. Nothing fantastic but clean and tidy. When he saw it he got so angry shouting how I’d wasted my money (bought with my money) on a cheap rug and that it doesn’t look as expensive as his rug (he’s came from Next) and that I needed to discuss this with him.
There are loads of other things like this.
AIBU to worry that he gets this worked up about house decorations? Do other men care as much?
I know that there are women out there in abusive relationships so this is low key compared to that but I’m slowly getting ground down.
He hates my best friend, slags off my parents.
Just need to get some perspective from you lovely ladies.

If he's grinding you down and trying to control your relationship with friends and family then it's not that low key.
He sounds massively controlling. Not sure where the "on the spectrum" thing comes from.

He doesn’t sound very nice and sounds immensely controlling over trivial stuff. If you’d thrown away the last rug his dying mother had ever given him, I could understand the upset, but if all you’ve done is replace something with no sentimental value because it was damaged, he’s being totally unreasonable.

My ex was like this. He's not on the spectrum just a controlling arse. We once had a row because I felt bought some cushions for our bed. And he moaned every night as he took them off to go to bed. It's exhausting.

You have really been ground down by him in this abusive relationship to this low point where you do not know which way is up. His whole MO here is to wear you down because he wants to drag you and the kids down with him into his pit.

No this is not low key at all and I doubt very much that he is at all on any spectrum whatsoever. Where does this "on the spectrum" thing come from anyway?. I would also think that he also can come across as quite plausible to those in the outside world; it is you and those who you associate with that get his full force of abuse.

He is abusive and has been likely throughout your entire relationship; he has simply built up the power and control against you over time. He wants absolute power and control over you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. They are after all seeing their mother being abused by their dad. Do you want this for them as adults, no you do not. If its not good enough for them then its not good enough for you either. Your only viable option going forward is to leave him.

“He hates my friends, slags off my parents”

Well, that’s not a good thing.

He sounds like he wants everything his own way. Which is not the way the world works when you are in a relationship.

I think it’s totally fine to replace a damaged item with a non-offensive item like that. It’s a job that just needs to be done like buying milk or taking thendc tomthe dentist. No doubt if you’d bought a rug from Next he would have complained about that too.

He’s a controlling twat I think rather than anything else. This is not normal.

What is 'on the spectrum' in this instance, other than using a description of life long condition and creating very negative conotations about controlling behaviours?

Unless you've been given medical diagnostic advice please dont associate negative behaviours with a condition that those with diagnosis live with and deal with every day.

Perpetuating myths about the spectrum makes life more challenging for those trying to function on it.

I know people who are on tne spectrum and do not slag off parents or best friends.

My husband sounds the same as yours about furniture and decoration, but he doesn’t get shouty. That’s the part that’s worrying.

But I would be very annoyed if my DH replaced a rug without consultation.

If my DP replaced a rug without us deciding together I’d be pissed off. Hopefully not shouty though.

He hates my friends, slags off my parents
^ this, and the shouting, is the more worrying bit in my opinion.

I do think he's has a little Aspergers and is definitely OCD. He won't allow anything on the kitchen work surfaces and gets really grumpy if I leave washing up to dry on the side.
He would prefer to live in a white box with no pictures on the wall as he says they're dust magnets. Which they are but pictures and soft furnishings make a home in my opinion.

Also he will never stop me from seeing my friends. He has a whinge and I tell him to wind his neck in.
I think this all stems from the fact we got together in our late 30's and were living alone for years. I know I find it hard having to run everything past him.
It's just so infuriating that it takes him so long to make a decision. If it was let's discuss and then decide or even think over night I would be more than happy to do this.

I would think he is on no ASD spectrum at all and that has only come about in your head because you want to find a reason as to why he behaves like this. He does this simply because he can, after all you are still there. Note too that he reserves all his abuse for you and all the people that you yourself associate with. His contempt for you really holds no bounds.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. There is no justification for his actions against you and in turn these children who are seeing all this at first hand too. What do you think they are seeing and learning about relationships here?. What about them in all this, his actions are not just affecting you here.

Leave him to live in his white minimalist box whilst you reclaim your life.

FGS live your life, don't consult, do your own thing.

Don't engage. Don't respond.

Carry on your life ignoring him.

If life becomes impossible then acknowledge your incompatibility and make plans accordingly.

It is only because you currently at least still tell him to wind his neck in that you are able to see your friends at all. He is undoubtedly wearing you down and will continue to do so. Would you want your children to have a relationship themselves like yours is; no you would not want this for them. Its not good enough for you either.

BTW did you grow up seeing your parents act like this towards each other?

The only spectrum he’s on is the abusive arsehole one.

Has he always been like this? I'm wondering how you made it this far and actually got a home and kids together!

Well the OP has written only a few lines about the man. He might very well be on the spectrum as she lives with him every single day. It may or may not have anything to do with his liking his home to be in a very set way. Just as if she had said he was colour blind, which may or may not inform his liking a hideous mat.
But what matters is that living with him is difficult and becoming too much for the OP. Is he capable of changing his behaviour? Or is it his way only?

"He might very well be on the spectrum as she lives with him every single day".

That is no reason at all to suppose that he is on any sort of spectrum. This does not also explain why is he hating her friends and slagging off her parents.

If she said he had one leg we wouldn’t demand proof from the woman. Do we really deserve a long list of medical or personality details? I don’t think we do really. It’s not the point of her post.

It seems entirely reasonable to want to be part of decisions about what your environment is like.I think I'm very lucky as DH doesn't care on the whole - I love getting the house how I want it,and he's happy with that.
But if he wasn't we'd have to keep talking about every little thing or reach some kind of decision as to when we did need to talk,because it's his home too.And it'd annoy me because I like doing it but still...
I wouldn't be happy to have a rug I didn't like foisted on me however much of a bargain it was,and if OP's DH likes white and clinical it sounds as if he is already compromising on what his house is like?
It may be a pain to have to wait for him to think about what he'd like but why not - the post reads a bit like "because of DH I can't do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it...."
Well,no - that's what families are like really!

Runmummyrun68 No he hasn't always been this bad. He's house before we moved in with each other was very spartan but I put that down to being a bloke and having no taste.
He's always liked a empty home and it does make him twitch how much kids stuff we've got now.
My homes have always been a few lovely pictures on the wall and a few cushions. Nothing OTT.
I miss having a home I'm proud of and not having to apologise to my visiting friend how manky the rug and sofa is.

I know that there are women out there in abusive relationships so this is low key compared to that but I’m slowly getting ground down.
He hates my best friend, slags off my parents.”

You ARE in an abusive relationship.

A nice new grey rug is more minimalist than a shabby rug with raisins and sticky black stuff though. If he despises it 15 pounds isn’t the end of the world. It will do as a fill in until he finds one he likes better.
It is not worthy of an angry outburst. And I do think s reasonable man would be reasonable and laughs it off with “ no, not grey! Can we get rid of it when we find a nice blue one?” In a lighthearted, not angry way.