AIBU that a rug should induce an angry out burst.

[Restingbitchface101]

So I have been married for 4 years and have 2 gorgeous children. My husband is, I suspect, on the spectrum.
He needs to be part of every small decision made about our lives but he then needs to think about it for at least two weeks. I sometimes think he does this in the hopes I’ll forget about it.
He properly looses it if I make any decorating decisions without him. It’s just totally wearing me down.
In our living room we had a lovely leather sofa but due to space we had to take the chaise bit off. I covered the bottom with a blanket so it sort of blended in but it drove him nuts so we swapped it for an old cream fabric sofa. Now I don’t need to tell you what two under 5’s have done to the cream sofa! He also had a very shaggy rug which has unidentifiable black sticky stuff in it with the odd raisin, this with an old leather ottoman with one broken leg. He won’t let me get rid of any of it.
I got a new grey, non offensive, rug yesterday for the princely sum of £15. Nothing fantastic but clean and tidy. When he saw it he got so angry shouting how I’d wasted my money (bought with my money) on a cheap rug and that it doesn’t look as expensive as his rug (he’s came from Next) and that I needed to discuss this with him.
There are loads of other things like this.
AIBU to worry that he gets this worked up about house decorations? Do other men care as much?
I know that there are women out there in abusive relationships so this is low key compared to that but I’m slowly getting ground down.
He hates my best friend, slags off my parents.
Just need to get some perspective from you lovely ladies.

He will simply continue to run his life the ways he wants it.

This is also clearly not an instance of, "because of DH I can't do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it". On what basis anyway is such an assertion made?.

Not all families are like what is being described here by any means. Its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. This man would only be happy with a series of stark and bare rooms to live in which is what he had in his house before OP came along. The fact too that she has had to purchase a rug with "her" money" is also telling.

YOU are indeed in an abusive relationship OP. What sort of man tells you off for spending your own money, slags off your friends and your parents?.

Goodness knows what they think of him, I can imagine that many people out there are very worried about you OP. This sort of behaviour does grind people down.

Perhaps you're not suited. It shouldn't be a struggle to see your friends, a partner shouldn't slag off your family, and rages about rugs are ridiculous. Time to move on.

Things get damaged in family homes, we have had various really lovely things end up damaged beyond repair...

If I see something (usually second hand) that can replace something tattered; I just buy it. If it doesn’t work, the next time we choose something different.

He shouldn’t be so irate about this, with kids everything is temporary

Have you asked him if he thinks pictures are dust magnets what does he think is lurking in his shaggy rug and isn't a broken ottoman just another thing to harbour dust.

He cant have it both ways. He either wants a clean dust free environment or he wants a shaggy rug and broken furniture.

I don't have pictures because as your dh said they are dust magnets but I would never have a shaggy rug for the same reason. You just can't clean them

Your definition of "low key" is way off

“On the spectrum” or not he sounds horrible.

I know several people with Aspergers/Autism and none of them would behave like this because they are nice polite people.

Having ASD does not give somebody carte blanche to disrespect you. I recently got an adult diagnosis; I wouldn't dream of 'slagging off' my husband's family even if I didn't like them. However, I do like discussion over larger home changes - maybe he thought the rug could be professionally cleaned? I accept you got a bargain, I'd have grabbed it too haha, but would have a calm discussion if my husband was unhappy with where I planned to put it. The home is both of yours and takes compromise to make homely to suit two tastes/styles. Calm compromise. Don't let anybody grind you down to an 'agreement' - that isn't love that's control.

And I know one person with autism who after 20 years still only has a few bits of garden furniture in her house that were given to her for a few weeks while she decided on furniture. So it may or may not be relevant.

The only spectrum he’s on is the abusive arsehole one

I would think he is on no ASD spectrum at all and that has only come about in your head because you want to find a reason as to why he behaves like this

I agree, OP please get rid of your assumption that any of his awful behaviour you've described is anything to do with autism - it's not.

I do think he's has a little Aspergers
There's no such thing and that's quite an offensive thing to say. To have an autism diagnosis, someone must display significant deficits in three distinct areas and be diagnosed usually by a team of professionals.

If we're going to throw labels around and it is mn after all then look up OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder). It's the most common PD by a long way and sounds a bit like how your husband presents.

He sounds like a pain in the arse either way tbh.

Your DH sounds like my late abusive F. He used to nitpick with all of us, I used to call it 'his bees in his bonnet'. My DM is no pushover but she used to walk on eggshells around him. (He was abusive in other ways but that's beside the point here.)

My DM used to blame it on his Parkinson's Disease medication, which did mess with his head. But his medication was reduced in later years, and his behaviour didn't change at all. He was simply a very controlling man who happened to have Parkinson's Disease. Your DH may have ASD or be OCD, but they don't excuse his behaviour towards you. It really is abuse.

And staying with a man like that means that his behaviour is normalised. It's only in the last few years that the scales have come off my eyes about the kind of man my F was.

He is a lovely man in so many ways. Great with the kids and we have fun together. But you are all right that it's on his terms mostly.

Blanktimes I meant no disrespect but he doesn't seem to consider other peoples feelings and coupled with the fear of change and OCD it just seemed to me that way. I deal with a lot of adults that have challenging behaviour so I do know a little of what I talk of.

I'd have actually murdered him by now.

Madcatladyforever Hahaha there has been that conversation with my friends over a few too many Cosmos!

Do you enjoy living with him? Are you happier living with him than living without him?

It sounds like it’s got sod all to do with an kind of ocd and everything to do with control. If he were genuinely unhappy about dust/mess/stuff on countertops, he’d be unhappy about a rug with raisins stuck in it too.

controlling arsehole does not mean 'on the spectrum'
I get so bloody furious when people try to justify awful behaviour with a neurodevelopmental difference.
My DP, myself, my daughter and my son are all 'on the spectrum'
yes we can be obsessional and OCD but we are not abusive controlling arseholes who would scream and shout at someone

I think alot of people tell themselves that there is something mentally wrong with their partner to try to square the circle of dissonance in their brain when they get an inkling that all is not right with their behaviour. I think its a defence mechanism, a sort of halfway house to try to find an excuse for / minimise actually how abusive they are. Because otherwise you have to accept that you are in a relationship with a monster, and thats quite hard to accept.

You are in a relationship with a monster. The sooner you get these ideas about the 'why' he does it the better for you.

A monster? Really?
Slagging off her parents - not on.Hates her best friend - I didn't realise couples are obliged to love each other's friends? ( though it is perhaps odd if people you like a lot don't like each other).Needs time to make decisions - too much time according to OP - well,talk about that.Has a skanky rug he doesn't want to get rid of... Has different taste in interior design to OP - he us trying to impose his taste on her and she is trying to impose her taste on him( having thought that he had no taste).
Yes,he did get angry and shout when OP bought a new rug without consulting him,that's not good but in itself doesn't make him a monster.He may be,but not from what's on the thread so far)

"Great with the kids and we have fun together. But you are all right that it's on his terms mostly".

So he is not great with the kids then. How can he be great with them if he can and does treat you with such overall contempt?. When do you ever have fun together?

Attilathemeercat I mean that we have a lot of shared interests so when we go out we have fun and yes he is a good Dad.

The advise has given me food for thought. I have thought about leaving but I find at the moment the positives out weigh the negatives.

What positives here are in your relationship?. You certainly need to give this more thought and I would suggest via counselling for your own self alone.

How is he a good dad if you as their mother are treated so badly?. What are they seeing here in this relationship from the two of you?.

I think he hates your best friend because she has the measure of him and cannot at all abide him. This is also a man too who slags off your parents.

Women in poor relationships often write the "good dad" comment or versions of it when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. Any fun and or good times you have are basically on his terms, you are unequal in this relationship with he being top dog.

Sorry but he sounds really awful

I would not stand for an H slagging off my mates, parents and shouting at me. That is all not normal!!!

I'm very surprised the majority on here say leave him I was hoping for a bit more advice than that.
I'm fully prepared the leave if I think either myself or more importantly my children are suffering.