Fuck fuck fuck - just seen my ex

[MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond]

Dh and I are going through a rough patch and have been for about a year. Two young dc, house move, promotion for him which meant I had to give up my career all causing resentment and lack of communication.

I was with my ex for 7 years from 15-22. We had a still born little girl and then both cheated rather than deal with our grief properly. Our break up just broke me completely and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 12 years. Then today I saw him in the supermarket. He asked me to go and have a coffee with him and I did. We had a chat, he’s married, successful, gorgeous kids. Then I came home, we didn’t swap numbers or say exactly where we lived or anything.

And now I’m at home and I’m just sobbing my heart out. My life is so far from where I hoped it would be and I’m so unhappy. I don’t know why it took randomly bumping into my ex to make me realise this. I’m not going to attempt and affair with ex or anything like that. I’m just really sad.

Why did you have to give up your career? Go back to it.

I can’t at the moment. Dc1 is autistic and can’t cope with breakfast or after school clubs on top of school. We were just about managing to juggle it when dh was in his old job but now he’s away mon-fri so I’ve got no chance. It’s not a job with a professional qualification so I’m hoping I can go back to it if dc1 can cope independently a bit more as he’s older.

So you're married, have a successful husband and gorgeous kids yourself. Not sure why your ex's situation would trigger such an adverse reaction.

What would make you happier? Can you talk to your husband about it?

Maybe you could think of it as a wake up call for you to spend a little time thinking about how you could improve your life, within the confines that you have with your DS etc.

Sounds like you need a bit of time for yourself to do something you love.

OP I wonder if your reaction is more undealt with grief (for your dd and the relationship) rather than anything else?

I have felt a bit like this lately .. bit you need to catbe out some time for yourself and hey out in the evenings (pay a babysitter)

When you have an Autistic Dc you don't see how different they are on a daily basis but sometimes you meet somebody with "perfect" kids and realise all your fears and worries for your own.

Carve

I'm sorry you're sad op. I think it's worth unpicking the reasons for your reaction.

Did you feel jealous of his life because it seemed better than yours, or because you felt like you should be the one living it with him, or not jealous exactly, more nostalgic and wistful?

It may galvanise you to fix some things in your own life, and then something good will have come of it.

Seeing him will bring up a lot of grief over your first child too. He holds a lot of memories of your childhood too.

It's ok to feel shit about that but please don't compare your life to his. You sound like you are doing well with your own kids!!

It’s probably delayed grief OP. The chances are if your baby had survived that you and your ex may still be together. That’s going to hurt when you see him and you’ve been through a lot so your reaction is perfectly understandable. Maybe it’s a wake up call to shake your life up a bit and do more stuff for yourself

I don’t know why I feel like this really. I’m not jealous of him, I’m not in love with him or anything like that. I guess just seeing him reminded me of a time when I was really happy. Then we lost our daughter, were awful to each other, I went a bit off the rails and now I’m married to a man that barely notices me, I’m constantly worrying about dc’s and just so far away from the person I used to be.

Sorry, just wanted a bit of a moan really. I can’t remember the last time I cried like that and it shook me up a bit.

You don't have to say sorry. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are already very unhappy. Seeing him today was just the catalyst for it all to come out. Is your marriage salvageable? Is there anything you can identify that would improve your life, get you a little bit closer to the person you used to be?

Here's the problem then: now I’m married to a man that barely notices me. Ho long has it been like this? How have you tried to tackle it? How long will you put up with it? Asking kindly, BTW

Talk to your husband

Dh is completely incapable of any communication. Any suggestions I make to try and improve things are just interpreted as me ‘having a go’ no matter how nicely I put it. I just don’t bother any more.

@somewhereovertheroad, that is so true. My son has autism and he doesn't tolerate babysitters, or extra curricular activities. I'm just glad he goes to school. OP is it that you think your life is really hard now, and you feel that you could have had an easier or better life with your old boyfriend if your baby hadn't died? So sorry you lost your baby at such a young age. That must have been an awful experience. Your x was the connection to the baby you lost.

With a man who shuts down any attempt to communicate you have two choices. Buckle under put up and shut up, or 2) WALK.

I had to pick option 2. My son is 12. I can work now. I like my job. My son is very independent and sensible and I know it's not ideal but he walks home from school and is on his own for a couple of hours every day. I prefer my life now that I'm a single parent working ft to when I was a frustrated obedient house wife to a man who trained me to never raise any issue.

OP i also think it’s a grief bomb and very human

Grief for your youth
For the baby and relationship you lost
For your son and his issues
For your career and care free life

You know what sometimes it’s quite good to have a cathartic cry and get it out . Maybe share with your husband and share how sad you are feeling x

Sorry to read your update. It won't get better. Please don't subject yourself to this hell any longer.

I think you
MUST talk to your husband . He is probably bottling stuff too ?

Of my 6 children I have a 25 yr old with autism, a 9 yr old with autism and a 10 yr old with adhd. I can understand what you are feeling and your pain and regret. You have 3 choices, stay the same, try and enhance and improve what you have or leave and change your life. I have the same choices.

A few people have already made good points about your own situation. But I would also add that you have no way of knowing if the glossy and happy life of your ex told you about, really is all that great in reality. It’s similar to all the Instawank and FB happy, shiny people posing. For all you know, he might have all the same day-to-day bickering and loathes his job etc. It’s not unusual for exes to ham up their own lives in this sort of situation.

No, I understand that it wouldn’t have all been rainbows and butterflies if I’d stayed with ex and we had our daughter. I don’t know what it was really. I think stopfuckingshouting put it perfectly in that it was a grief bomb. I think my happiness and the things I enjoy have been so slowly eroded over the years that I haven’t noticed quite how unhappy I am. Then when I bump into ex, for a few minutes I remember what it was like to feel really happy and it’s just a bit of a shock.