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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck - just seen my ex

51 replies

MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 02/06/2018 14:37

Dh and I are going through a rough patch and have been for about a year. Two young dc, house move, promotion for him which meant I had to give up my career all causing resentment and lack of communication.

I was with my ex for 7 years from 15-22. We had a still born little girl and then both cheated rather than deal with our grief properly. Our break up just broke me completely and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 12 years. Then today I saw him in the supermarket. He asked me to go and have a coffee with him and I did. We had a chat, he’s married, successful, gorgeous kids. Then I came home, we didn’t swap numbers or say exactly where we lived or anything.

And now I’m at home and I’m just sobbing my heart out. My life is so far from where I hoped it would be and I’m so unhappy. I don’t know why it took randomly bumping into my ex to make me realise this. I’m not going to attempt and affair with ex or anything like that. I’m just really sad.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 02/06/2018 18:45

Probably worth seeking counselling OP. Talk to somebody who can help you work through all of this x

Chippyway · 02/06/2018 18:50

This made me really sad, OP Sad

I’m so sorry you’re unhappy. Please dont apologise for how you feel or for this post

Life is too short to live it unhappily or with a man who barely notices you/your efforts.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/06/2018 19:07

OP 🙁 You have put this all so eloquently. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.

I think this has been a gift. Grab this with both hands and begin to claw back your life. If that's daunting and overwhelming to contemplate, start with one tiny baby step.

Is your DH away every day Mon-Fri?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/06/2018 19:09

I think my happiness and the things I enjoy have been so slowly eroded over the years that I haven’t noticed quite how unhappy I am. Then when I bump into ex, for a few minutes I remember what it was like to feel really happy and it’s just a bit of a shock.

Do you think your current DH is possibly a bit of a twat? I accidentally a twat and they can really strip you of everything that makes you happy. Slowly but surely and completely.

RandomMess · 02/06/2018 19:10

Thankslosing your child and a relationship that had been very happy is a huge thing and it sounds like you never dealt with your grief at the time????

Namethecat · 02/06/2018 19:11

I'm happy in my relationship ( over 15 years) but I still like to hear that my exh is doing ok and seems happy( inspite of him hating me)

Babdoc · 02/06/2018 19:14

I wonder if DH is also a bit autistic and isn’t able to express emotions like love very easily. He may feel he doesn’t need to keep noticing or complimenting you, because he’s already done it once, and he assumes that you therefore know he loves you!
I think you need to have a proper chat with DH about what is making you unhappy and what needs to change in your life and marriage to put it right. As PPs have said, this could be a useful wake up call, and the start of some improvements for you. Good luck, OP.

Original poster
MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 02/06/2018 19:16

Yep, Dh is away every mon-fri. Sometimes Sunday evening- midnight Friday.

whatsgoingon that made me laugh. I think there’s a very good chance dh is a twat. It’s been a slow, creeping realisation that I don’t like him. I remember the first few years with him and I was so happy that I’d found someone I had so much in common with, he’s really intelligent, he was really kind to me and seemed to like me back.

But now, everything he does irritates me. From the fact that he pulls a face and actually says ‘yucky’ if I suggest anything other than meat and 2 veg for tea to him carrying all his stuff around in shitty old carrier bags because they’re so ‘handy’. He’s like Uncle Bryn from Gavin and Stacey, except not funny.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 02/06/2018 19:17

Wow, that was slightly more vitriolic than I’d expected.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/06/2018 19:19

Hmmm perhaps your marriage is over?

Slanetylor · 02/06/2018 19:20

You don’t like your husband very much ( with good reason) so I’d be putting the “working away non- fri” on the good things list. Imagine he was around every single day! Now that would be “ yucky”.

CocoAndTheChocolates · 02/06/2018 19:37

I understand this. There's certain people you would only want to bump into when you are doing and looking amazing.

I'd be very embarrassed to see one in particular because he would love to see me doing badly.

Just think about where you want to go from here

RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 19:44

So this meeting could be a turning point for you, since you seem to have had a realisation about your dh? I hope so op, it sounds like you deserve some happiness.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 02/06/2018 19:45

I think it’s actually really healthy this has all
Come up . As it’s going to make you take stock

You should be happy (shouldn’t we all Sad)

No easy solutions but maybe this grief bomb is a good thing in a way as you might have been suppressing a lot Flowers

workshyfop · 02/06/2018 20:46

You sound like a great person OP. Give yourself the chance of being happy again. Whatever that takes.

Loopytiles · 02/06/2018 20:51

Very unreasonable of your H to be away working so much when you wanted to WoH and have a DC with SN. If not working isn’t working for you, and he is a decent bloke, he will seek another job that doesn’t require working away.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 02/06/2018 20:51

This post made me so sad. I can empathise. I bumped into an ex last year and it was a a real wake up call. The ex tried to instigate an affair/ons but I turned him down. It made me question my marriage though and we reached rock bottom. We have agreed to give things another go and who knows what the future will bring but I remember my ex brought up some really sad feelings.

Iflyaway · 02/06/2018 21:46

Two young dc,

We all have some wonderful memories of long-lost lovers and wonder how it would have been...

However, you owe it to your kids to make the best you can be as their mum.

Which could mean you divorce in the end. But your kids are dependent on you. That fantasy man is not.

YankeeDad · 02/06/2018 22:27

Sounds like you need a bit of time for yourself to do something you love
^this

Original poster
MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 02/06/2018 22:55

Ex isn’t a fantasy man and I certainly wouldn’t dream of running away with him even if we were both single. Far too much water under that bridge. I suppose a lot of it is just growing up and my happiness not being an important factor in that. There’s just always so much to bloody do that I haven’t really considered whether I’m really happy in my marriage.

But dc1’s stability is so important to me and I am determined to do absolutely everything to make him the happiest, most well adjusted little boy I can. My dbro committed suicide a decade ago and looking back he certainly seemed to show a lot of signs of autism. So there’s that extra worry. Dc2 is just wild and happy and I’m sure he could cope just fine if Dh and I were to split.

I don’t know what to do really. I’ve spent this evening writing a big long list of everything I want to do and all the reasons why I should or shouldn’t do them. And I’m in no way clearer about it. But this has given me such a wake up call and I do want to change things I’m just not sure how.

Also I was wearing a nice new dress today and was feeling quite smug that I actually looked ok when I bumped into ex. I just took it off to get into pj’s and it has a great big rip in the arse! I’m telling myself that probably happened after he’d gone. Almost certainly.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsJacksonBrodieTheSecond · 02/06/2018 22:57

Sorry, that was a bit of a waffle.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 02/06/2018 22:58

I’m sure he thought you looked gorgeous op Flowers

Ime of blokes they wouldn’t notice if your outfit was ripped to shreds anyway.

Onceuponatimethen · 02/06/2018 22:59

I think it’s that high school reunion feeling as well - makes you think about the past and confront how much you’ve changed.

KateGrey · 02/06/2018 23:12

I have two children with autism. The last one is severely disabled and its taken its toll. Not so much for my husband but for me. I’ve had to give up work (I now work from home 15 hours a week and to be honest have added more stress to my life). I’ve also questioned my relationship and where I am in life. Parenting is hard and even more so when you have a child with additional needs. I’m thinking of seeing a therapist as I’ve lost all motivation to do anything. Carer burn out isn’t uncommon. Hugs.

Lizzie48 · 02/06/2018 23:49

I do know that when you have a DC with SN, it can so easily become all consuming. My DD1 has Attachment Disorder and SPD (she and DX2 are adopted). It's so easy fo lose your way and not talk about it, for your life to revolve around your DC's needs. Some days I just feel like DH and I can't communicate without it being about DD1's needs and how it's impinging on DD2.

I do try and book a meal out for DH and me, it sometimes feels like if I didn't make the effort this wouldn't happen as DH wouldn't think about it if I didn't suggest it.

It's called being stuck in a rut, it's so hard to take action to change that but it really is worth it, if you feel that you and your DH have a future together. And you will only know this if you spend time together as a couple.

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