Camping holiday issues

[campingconundrum]

NC for this as don't want it connected to other posts. Sorry if it's long.

Boyfriend has a 5 berth motor home and we go away a few times a year. We are due to go away again and am dreading it for a few reasons.

I have a 2 and a half year old who breastfeeds to sleep and due to not being used to being away from home very often, doesn't settle well away from his usual environment. I've been single since before he was born and he's only ever had me, never stayed away from home etc.

When we go away my bf insists that my ds sleeps in the double bed above the cab. It has a net along the side to stop him falling out but he bangs his head on the roof if he wakes in the night and sits up. Of course it's pitch black at night so he wakes up upset and confused as to where he is.

There is a ladder up to the cab bed but this has to be removed to make up the adult double bed so getting him into bed once asleep is very difficult as I have to stretch high and half throw him into the cab bed. Bf isn't much taller so isn't much easier for him. I hate him sleeping up there and want him to sleep in the single bed which is right next to the double one we sleep in. There's less than a foot between the two so if he wakes in the night I can quickly settle him without either of us needing to stand in our bed to reach him down.

Ds tends to wake in the night when away but doesn't at home. I've come to the conclusion that this is due to bf's horrendous snoring. He's awaiting a specialist appointment for probable sleep apnoea.

I don't sleep well due to chronic pain so being in a confined space with no escape from the snoring severely disrupts my sleep leaving me tired and irritable with my bf the next day especially as he drinks in the evening despite knowing this makes his snoring much worse (he's got a snoring app that records how bad it is). He doesn't see why he should go without a drink on holiday despite the fact he's disturbing me and my ds and gets in a strop if I say anything.

He gets cross that ds takes so long to settle when away and cross that he wakes in the night. He denies he's annoyed though He doesn't want him next to us in the single bed as it puts him off sex. I did ask what he used to do when his own kids (won't be with us on this holiday) were sleeping in the same room as he and his wife and he just said, " Go to sleep." Ok then. Maybe it's more weird for him as my ds isn't his child which is understandable.

Other than the night time issues I love going away with him and we all very much enjoy the adventure of the motorhome and have had some great times. I'm just not sure I can face it again with the snoring and the moods over sleeping arrangements and drinking and snoring. Oh and he gets really stressed if ds touches things in the motorhome like blinds etc because they are 'delicate' and the motorhome cost him a small fortune so he's very precious about it which I understand but ffs the kid is 2 and is bound to touch things.

I'm not sure there's really a solution except to not go on holiday unless it's a hotel with separate rooms but money is tight for me so is my only option. Think I just needed to rant

Woah he's not a drunk! He has a couple of ciders or gins he's not drunk.
I don't let him rule over us, he just gets annoyed when I tell him ds is NOT sleeping up there. He's slept up there himself a few times and ds has been happy next to me and we've all slept better. And obviously there's no sex as ds is next to me or Bf is in the cab bed. Cue sulking and demanding to know what he's done wrong to make me not want sex. I'm in pain and you're being an arse is why not apart from the sleeping arrangements.

Let's make a list here:

• BF "insists" on your ds sleeping in dark, difficult to reach bed where he bumps his head, that sounds scary for a small child

• BF gets in a strop if you challenge him about drink & snoring
• BF gets cross that your toddler takes time to settle at night when away
• BF gets cross if your toddler wakes in the night
• BF gets cross about toddler touching things
• BF is "opinionated" at your home, whatever that means
• BF lets you know you're costing him (despite eating your food at home)

Honestly he sounds like someone who doesn't like your child and who thinks he's the only real person in the relationship. he sounds ike a grade A arsebag.

Oh and he sulks about sex. Great.

It's not good is it
Things need to change. We get on great, have lots of fun times together, have a good laugh, go out exploring new places, have trips away, my ds adores him.....but. All the crap too.

This sounds like a shit holiday.
What's fun about it? He sulks about not having sex in the same room as your toddler. I think you'd be better off staying at home alone.

I am the proudest owner of a crappy uncomfortable camper van and even I can say your bf is being unreasonable.

Ditch the bf, keep camping with the dc if you can x

Oh he is financially abusive

Sponging off you at home for meals and the like and making out he is paying the lion’s share when away (I bet food, entrance, coffees etc adds up to at least what the site fees are but you are made to feel like you are not paying your way)

Honestly OP tell him to stfu about the beds and respect you and DS.

Sounds downright dangerous having your DS sleep up there without the ladder. What happens if he needs a wee during the night - might be in nappies I suppose- or wants to see you ?

The warning for me is that you know he is annoyed but he doesn't say it.He will let his resentment come out one day and it wont be pretty.

Your son is tiny, if he can't compromise at this age he will get much worse as your son gets older and has his own views.

I get that you can spend fun times but that doesn't mean he should be a long term feature in your life He isn't showing traits that suggests he will be tolerant of you and ds.

Simple answer, don’t go away in the camper van. Oh, and dump the bf. He sounds like an arse. He’d rather you ‘threw’ your ds onto the cab bed?! Wtf?!

That sounds like the holiday from hell.

Rookie I won't let him sleep up there anymore. It's got a safety net and we used to just lift him down if he woke up but it was difficult to undo the safety net. I hated it hence me putting my foot down.

He's not tolerant no, and is a big stress head when it comes to his own kids who are challenging most of the time. No adhd or anything, just a nightmare. We went on holiday all together last year and I vowed never again. The motorhome although a 5 berth isn't big enough for the 5 of us. Bf actually wants to get a vw transporter van instead which is about 2/3s of the size of the motorhome he has I have 2 other children who are at their dad's when we go away but a smaller van means going away all together at some point is not possible. His money and his choice but will mean the end of our cheap and cheerful holidays and the flexibility we have to go away at short notice. I've said the new van is too small for even 3 of us. We'd have to take a tent too and just so impractical when you need a buggy and car seat and all the toddler paraphernalia. I just don't see how that would work.

My best mate had the impression of my bf that it was "his way or the highway" when he was first chatting to him about the motorhome when he'd just bought it. Think he was spot on with his assessment

Yep all fun so long as you fit in with him!

Your male friend was spot on about him. I bet his kids are not challenging at all, they are just acting normally because they are children and its not their fault he cannot cope with them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. As you have not answered that question or cannot actually answer it I can only assume that you are really getting nothing out of it. This relationship is costing you very dearly and it is only when you are out of it will you perhaps realise the depths of how abusive this man is.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up and have you had similar treatment meted out to you before by other men?.

Re your comment:-
Things need to change. We get on great, have lots of fun times together, have a good laugh, go out exploring new places, have trips away, my ds adores him.....but. All the crap too."

The only way you can enforce a change here is from you and to do that you need to leave this man. He is quite happy as he is bossing both you and your son around. Your son does not adore him (that bloody word again) so do not kid yourself otherwise. He is a crap example of a stepfather figure to him. You certainly do not adore this man either so much as fear him and his reactions.

He sounds awful. Just awful.

I have a campervan, a 9 year old, and a second marriage.

Most often, my child sleeps in the pop up roof. But occasionally, she wants cuddles. When this happen, all 3 of us have to cram into a small double (me in the middle) and my husband has to put his PJs on (we’re usually naked sleepers).

Does he ever complain?
No.
And not because he’s special and amazing - just because, that’s how normal people are.

Get rid of this arsehole.

What is preventing you from ending this relationship with this individual?

As you like the trips away... can I urge you to consider a small camper of your own? You and your son will have so many adventures together in it! And maybe one day a man will come along who will earn his place alongside you on some of your trips.

I love camping of all sorts and we have a campervan of the sort your BF talks of downsizing to.
However camping is not a time that we have lots (if any) sex! There is either not a lot of room, kids in close proximity...the list goes on! Never has my DH been an arse about it.

Cab beds are not a place for a small child (or many adults) I wouldn't sleep in one
Thankfully my DH does not snore but I have camped next to those who do and it is hell.

To be honest he really does sound like an entitled prat who needs a reality check.

Atilla I suspect you are right. I do love all the things we do but now you've said, there is an undercurrent of unease.

Ellis I don't drive so cant get to most of the places we go on public transport, can't afford to learn to drive and certainly can't afford a van of my own even if I did drive.

OP you can't be that long into this relationship so you're still in the honeymoon period and he's being an arse. The things that aren't great about him will only get worse. Cut your losses and find someone who is less selfish.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. You are his primary influence and he will go by your example.

There is more than merely a current of unease, you and in turn your son are being abused by this individual. His days out with you are really the "nice" part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one.

How can you be supported in leaving this man?. Staying with him will further drag you and your kids down with him.

Honestly I'd, leave him. This will only get worse. He's not a kind person and you and ds deserve better.

Do you need a BF that badly that you’re willing to put up with this crap? You can do cheap holidays on your own you know. You don’t need to put up with some weirdo just to have access to a campervan!

I think your boundaries are off. Your ds should come first, not dancing round angry man's dictats.

It doesn’t sound much like fun, any of it. Why bother with such a mardy arse?