how do you get a reluctant parent to a nursing home?

[robinw]

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robinw, would your mother be well enough to care for herself in warden controlled sheltered housing or does she need someone there 24 hours a day? If she does need extra care perhaps you could minimise the guilt factor by offering to visit her/take her out on a regular basis so that she wouldn't feel forgotten about. My MIL and FIL both died a few years ago but SIL did have to look after MIL for a few months whilst she was ill which was an enormous strain on her, and the rest of us for what we contributed.

I am fortunate that my own mum has always said that she would't want to be a burden and would rather go into a home but it really annoys me that everything she has worked for will have to be sold to pay for care in her old age (and that isn't me being greedy for what I can get, just the unfairness of it all).

Another alternative would be to use a "Country Cousin". My husband's Great Aunt is 92 and has relied on the service for the past 2 years. It is basically a companion who stays for between 4-6 weeks at a time and does everything except bathing (which in our case, Social Services does). They cost around £250 a week which for us anyway, was a similar cost to a Nursing Home.

Hi Robinw, I feel for you, my husband's family having been in the same position with a great aunt a couple of months ago. I guess it's time to start trawling homes or sheltered housing (which might be a more appropriate interim measure - you can still get the full range of social services support coming in to a SH complex e.g. meals, carers etc). I understand that you feel the hospital isn't helping but unfortunately hospitals are so overcrowded these days that they provide a medical service and when that is completed they need to move the patients on. They don't have the capacity or the resources to provide longer-term nursing care - it may not be ideal but they need the space to deal with patients who are medically ill. I really hope you find somewhere that both you and your mother feel happy with.

I sympathise, it is a sad situation for all of you. Have you tried contacting Social Services? We set up a system with Home Care, where someone would pop in and help my mother with food, dressing, washing,toileting etc 4 times a day. After a few weeks it became obvious that this wasn't enough (Mum has dementia, but it might tide your mother over, until she can come to terms with needing more help. Social Services were wonderful with us, and it might be worth having a chat with them. They can also give you a list of the local care hme that would be suitable for your mother. HTH

You have my sympathy, Robin. We've been through similar with FIL and a number of my friends are having to deal with the same problem.

Bloss's example is excellent, it makes them face reality. The only other thing I'd say is to get looking at homes ASAP, even if she doesn't go in straightaway. They vary amazingly, plus you might prefer to go on a waiting list for a really good one, rather than put her somewhere less suitable immediately. Good luck.

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