What age for your Sex Life to be over?

[IsThisItForMe]

What age would you think was reasonable, for your sex life to be almost over?

Mine and DH's has been dwindling, and tbh, I feel like the only reason it's limping along, is because I bring the subject up.

I'd like sex at least twice a week. We've actually had sex 4 times this year. It's driving me mad. I'm not proud of it, but I was really horrible to him last night. We haven't had sex in 4 weeks, and I am so frustrated I could punch the wall.

Not sure if I'm being unrealistic though, as I'm no spring chicken.

I am 48. He is 45. Would anyone find this a reasonable age for one's sex life to be over?

Feeling very guilty today, about my outburst. In my defense, he has promised repeatedly to make an appointment with the GP about testosterone injections, but to date has not done this. Meanwhile my sex drive is through the roof. We do still have great kisses, which he can walk away from, whereas I find this frustrating.

Am I asking for too much, at 48?

Thanks.

@magictorch it isn't easy. We needed to go to Relate to get it sorted. It's still something that needs work but we both acknowledge that.

Only bit of our relationship that has an issue though.

I'm 49. DH is 48 and we've haven't had sex in 6 months. My problem is that I just don't find him sexually attractive. I've got a fairly normal sex drive, maybe on the low side and right now I'm so frustrated.

Possibly TMI, but frankly i desperately want sex! Just not with my otherwise lovely DH. I ahem sort myself out when he's out the house but it's not the same. I know what will happen if I initiate it though - he'll get so excited it'll be over in seconds ( as usual) and I'll be even more frustrated.

This can't be it for the rest of my life 😢

word of warning OP. I suggested to my ex he got testosterone injections as he had borderline/low testosterone, and he did, but after tht he kept going out all the time, being mouthy, and then left me for someone else after possibly cheating.
Turns out he just wasnt that into me

40s is far too early to consider your sex life over. Youre barely halfway through life

Both 53 and still pretty regular though not like rabbits. DH no ageing issues so far. HRT has really helped me with side effects of menopause: my function isn't quite what it was but not bad. Agree that it's important to keep a relationship cemented.

@IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed putting aside the fact you don't find him that sexually attractive, you'll need him to work on his hair trigger. Use a numbing condom or get him to pause before he finishes so he can last longer. Frustrating not getting satisfaction though.

However the old double edged sword of having less sex means he's more likely to get over excited and finish on a hair trigger.

Barring physical issues, people aren’t up for sex when they are either physically or mentally not up for it. Forties is too young for this though. I personally think there may be attraction or marriage problems.

I'm 34 and have only had sex with DP a handful of times in the past four years. If we stay together I'm resigning myself to the idea that my sex life was over age 30 😞

@ami0verthinking it's going the same way for me. Seems to be increasingly common that men go off sex. Have you broached it with DH?

@TheWorldAsh what's a hair trigger?

@needyourlovingtouch likely to climax too quickly. The phrase comes from a gun with a too sensitive a trigger - as in the pressure of a hair could set it off.

@needyourlovingtouch yes, we have spoken about it. He is very shy about sex and so never instigates anything, promised to make an effort, but nothing happened. Problem is, the longer this goes on the less inclined I am to want sex with him, though my sex drive in general is very much present.

@ami0verthinking
I'm at the stage where I feel we should split up but too much at stake. The lack of intimacy has meant that we have lost other connection. If I try to raise the issue he blames it on the fact that we no longer have connection but it's a vicious cycle. I feel resentful about it

@needyourlovingtouch it's a horrible situation to be in isn't it? Do you have children? We have a daughter. And yes, I agree other aspects of intimacy are lost when the sex goes. I worry it's too shallow a reason to split, or that we'll split and I'll be celibate anyway, as nobody else will want me.

I’m 33, dh 28. I had first baby 11months ago and I bet I can count on 1 hand how many times we have had sex Since!
Not my choice, his.
I have tried to talk to him but I don’t get anywhere so I don’t know what the problem is. And I won’t pester! I lost baby weight easily and quickly so don’t think it’s that.
He loves me, tells me all the time, we have a great time together, share our beautiful DD. I don’t want anyone else. I wouldn’t split over it.
But sex life over at 33! And him 28! Makes me sad.
Thank god for microgynon, it’s quite the libido killer but I still miss the closeness!

@TheWorldAsh - 23 years and it's never improved. At first I was flattered that I was "so sexy" he couldn't control himself around me. 23 years on, Ive come to believe he's just not trying. Very frustrating indeed. And he won't wank between times as he doesn't like it. The only way he'll have a wank is if I'm there to "help". Bluergh.

I just feel so sad my libido has packed up
I used to really enjoy sex, and was really quite good at it, but then I hit the menopause and it tanked😟 gradually re-kindled, but got breast cancer, and surgery coupled with medication to switch off all my oestrogen means I have a sore, painful vagina and vulva, no desire what so ever and miss this aspect of my life as if I’d had an amputation.
I’m on the meds until 2026,
It really is awful, and not all in the head.
I never thought this would happen to us.

@IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed He's got a problem that he needs to address, but appears he can't be bothered to do that. Not having a wank without you being involved though. Ugh. I mean if he wanked a bit more he might be able to go a bit longer without climaxing.

But it appears he doesn't want to resolve the issue...so that sucks.

Sexless marriage casualty here....

Id say maximim 4-6 times per year since getting married 14 years ago.
I was never madly attracted to him but believed i could participate in sex and increase the bond between us... unfortunately he didnt.

He was a two pump chump, very very lazy in bed - may as well have been in another room.

In hindsight his attitude to sex was symptomatic of his personality. He didn't do compromise or have a modicum of interest in me.

Absolute fucker ground me down so badly. He used sex as a weapon. He told me he resented me. He told me i had let myself go. He did NOTHING to fix any of it. He thought he was married, comfortable etc and i would just continue to facilitate his life.

Balls to that.

We split three years ago. As a last-gasp attempt to keep the family together i suggested looking into an open marriage - he flat out refused. Stated that we could have a sexual marriage if we put our minds to it ... wtaf?! It hadn't happened for 11 years so how on earth would it start now.

I've said it before but I believe sexual attraction between a particular couple can simply run its course. More often than not that's what it is, not hormones or illness or stress. It's a huge taboo because marriage is meant to be forever. I'm divorcing because I had to get drunk to have duty sex. Now I won't ever have sex that I don't want to be having. And he can enjoy sex with someone who actually wants to be there. No easy solutions but aim for honest discussion.

How did you have the discussion Talith? I'm quite non confrontational but will have a honest and in depth conversation when it's needed. But I need the other person to open that discussion.

How the fuck am I supposed to blurt out to my DH "I don't fancy you and don't do it for me in bed. Discuss". It's not as if I've gone off sex completely- that would be easy to discuss but the truth is I want sex but not with him.

Is that a good enough reason to break up what it is otherwise a pretty solid marriage?

I'm waiting on him raising the issue of why we're not having sex and I will have to be honest with him but I know it will absolutely destroy him as he fancies me just as much as he did when we first met

Which reminds me, I need a new vibrator but how to get it in the house without him seeing it?

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed did you used to fancy him and now no longer do - if so what has changed?

If you never really fancied him then that doesn’t sound fixable, but if it’s the former there must some things you can try to rekindle it?

You need to broach the subject somehow but agree it’s not really an easy thing to discuss!

Are there possibly other reasons behind this , MLC etc someone else showing you interest? (sorry haven’t read the whole thread if you’ve explained this).

If your DH knew the truth then he’d probably be mortified, and he’d want to try and fix things if he still fancies you as much as he always has. So if it’s fixable give him some chances to try and improve things, but if you don’t think it’s fixable and end up telling him the truth it could have pretty severe consequences so careful what you wish for if you don’t want the marriage to end. Good luck!

I will be crucified for what I am about to say. But let it be.
Sex is important to some, and less important to others.
And family is and can be so much more than sex.
So - if by some unfortunate turn of fate - it happens that everything else but sex works in a relationship - I wish that rather than suffering sexless years people just were honest and brave enough to let their partner solve it on their own.
Or - brave enough - to let themselves do that.
For me - this situation of mismatched libido is very different from affairs where people ‘have their heads turned’.
Sex outside of marriage can be just sex. Just a primal experience.
Something that would let an otherwise functioning marriage to continue.
The fantasy that one man can fulfil all of our needs for all of our life - it works for some, but not for all.

Unfortunately - most people would find it hard, to have that conversation in the open. Or actually deal with that sort of an arrangement. Insecurity and resentments will make it difficult.

But - if one just allows themselves to be happy and realise that life does have shades, and isn’t all black and white - then it becomes easier.

So - really - it’s a choice. Have lots of misery, break up families, argue about sex, etc.
Or - have a friend that you see sometimes and have a little bit of escape with. A friend who is in a similar situation to you.
Just sayin.

Essentially yes that was what I said. "I don't want to have sex with you any more."

It was so hard to utter those words it took five or six years to build up to which did my burgeoning alcohol dependence absolutely no good whatsoever. Yes it hurt his feelings terribly, regardless of any other feeling for him I had. We went into relate, and decided to separate last year. For us it was enough to end the marriage. We are a great parenting team and friends of a sort (still working through that one) but we had run our course as lovers.

But it was the truth of the matter. I'd have ended up as an alcoholic fucking him to keep the peace (he didn't demand it but I thought it was glue to hold things together) and drinking myself to death. No amount of dancing around it, or manufactured "date nights" (even the prospect made my toes curl) or shoulder massages were going to square the circle that I didn't want to be intimate with him.

Overall year on and he looks like a man who has the weight lifted off his shoulders with a new partner. I have enjoyed reclaiming my body and sexuality. I avoid alcohol when I have sex now as I enjoy remembering it!

Many thanks to PP who have posted advice directly relating to my posts. I've never really fancied him - I've certainly never had the fanny flutters/gallops for him (love that phrase!). He's done the job when I've been in the mood but my trusty toy does a better job to be honest. My non fancying him is not just based on his technique but a lot of other things.

I'm going to step away as I don't want to hog the thread but this thread has given me a lot to think about.

Good luck to everyone on this thread. I hope it works out for everyone.