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Relationships

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Original poster

What age for your Sex Life to be over?

102 replies

IsThisItForMe · 31/05/2018 16:35

What age would you think was reasonable, for your sex life to be almost over?

Mine and DH's has been dwindling, and tbh, I feel like the only reason it's limping along, is because I bring the subject up.

I'd like sex at least twice a week. We've actually had sex 4 times this year. It's driving me mad. I'm not proud of it, but I was really horrible to him last night. We haven't had sex in 4 weeks, and I am so frustrated I could punch the wall.

Not sure if I'm being unrealistic though, as I'm no spring chicken.

I am 48. He is 45. Would anyone find this a reasonable age for one's sex life to be over?

Feeling very guilty today, about my outburst. In my defense, he has promised repeatedly to make an appointment with the GP about testosterone injections, but to date has not done this. Meanwhile my sex drive is through the roof. We do still have great kisses, which he can walk away from, whereas I find this frustrating.

Am I asking for too much, at 48?

Thanks.

OP posts:

nursy1 · 01/06/2018 09:54

Ah yes. HRT seems to help some. Especially if you are taking a bit of the testosterone with it. This is what I hear when talking to other women anyhow)
I am around other Womens vaginas more than most doing smears, those into their 50s and certainly their 60s often find the procedure more uncomfortable and mention “ there’s not much activity going on down there” or some such. The physiological changes the menopause brings seem designed to curtail your sex life a bit.

nursy1 · 01/06/2018 09:56

Also the lack of hormones that candyflip mentions

ravenmum · 01/06/2018 09:56

taking notes So far I've got away with just a bit of vaginal moisturiser, that stuff is great.

Blueberryjuice1 · 01/06/2018 10:46

Firstly no there is not an age at which your sex life ends. There are many interesting and useful posts on here which should help you.

In my experience it ebbs and flows over the years but where there is a big mismatch for a long time - especially where it is not talked about - then marriage problems will follow. There are no easy answers I’m afraid.

I am in my 50s and have been divorced several years. The BF I have had since of similar age was very keen iykwim and it’s been wonderful. I might add that he left a long term sexless marriage. In his case some attempts to talk about it failed and he described how she happily carried on with her life and assumed he ‘didn’t mind’.

princesstiasmum · 01/06/2018 12:19

Never if you dont want it too,i am 75 and still enjoy sex,

ShatnersWig · 01/06/2018 15:29

princess says Never if you don't want it to

Sadly, it's not solely down to you.... You sort of do have to depend on someone else wanting to join in as well!

nursy1 · 01/06/2018 19:53

Princestiasmum
never if you don’t want it to

Sadly, erectile dysfunction often caused by the types of medication we take more frequently as we get older or illness kicking in means that’s not true for many.

princesstiasmum · 01/06/2018 20:43

I agree and we have had ED problems too, sadly my partner has now got Prostate cancer so that is the end for us, but of course i meant in normal circumstances,

greystripedteepee · 01/06/2018 21:45

Would a doctor actually do anything? Surely a low libido is just that.

nursy1 · 01/06/2018 22:02

I think a bit if testosterone in HRT can up the libido. Not sure what I think about that though

Keepithidden · 02/06/2018 06:31

fontofnoknowledge Thanks for your thoughts, I did think about explaining to her, but I don't think there is a way to explain to her without it being viewed as a form of coercion, and that is the last thing I want. I agree that it would be morally sound to give fair warning, there is no way to do it though. Besides, she knows I haven't been happy about the situation for years, I've made many efforts to fix it myself with no input from her (despite asking), so I've run out of ideas and options other than to maintain the status quo until we're in a better position to separate.

I'm glad you're in a happier place now and I hope DW and myself achieve similar in the future. I bear her no ill will and wish /hope she finds someone who can give her what she wants.

It is a weird dynamic the whole low drive/high drive thing. It all falls onto the LD partner in the end and that is where the power lies. The HD partner has no real options other than to accept the situation. It's unlike any other situation where compromises can be made, it's just not really possible in a sexless marriage and when you've made a promise to be faithful (and don't really want anyone else anyway) then you're stuck in that rut and that's it.

MarieG10 · 02/06/2018 06:44

Isthisforme

Everything else is perfect?

It won't be for ever so pleAse try and get it sorted out. Whether by reading threads on here or from what I have seen personally, few relationships survive without sex and intimacy

WorldWideWanderer · 02/06/2018 06:45

No way is your 40's the time for your sex life to be over....many people still have a good sex life into their 80's, for others it dwindles. I have a friend who is remarrying at 60 and is obviously full of it!! And previously, I had a relative who started a new relationship at 71 and was also very active......

I'm in my late 50's and personally don't take such an interest in sex as in my 40's, but that's because I don't have a current partner and I work long hours, which tires me out. I think sex drive varies between people and also fluctuates through life but is never 'over'.

There must be a reason for your husband's lack of drive and the two of you need to discuss it. Not easy I know, but you shouldn't be feeling it's 'over'....

Vitalogy · 02/06/2018 06:47

Pardon the pun but take things into your own hands in between.

GrumpyOldMare · 02/06/2018 07:18

53 here,my sex life has been over (thankfully) for 5 or 6 years. Can't say I miss it to be honest.I'd rather cuddle up with the cat with a book and a cuppa. Less messy.

MrsDilber · 02/06/2018 07:27

I lost my sex drive when I had a total hysterectomy at 45. It's horrible, I feel like an old maid. Yes I'm on patches, yes I've spoken to gp and nurses about it and no, they're not interested. DH has been great.

BeyondThePage · 02/06/2018 07:34

Sex does not have to mean PIV. DH has issues to do with age and illness - we still have an active sex life.

Donthugmeimscared · 02/06/2018 08:25

My grandmother remarried at 70 when her husband died as in her words "she couldn't live without it" not something my 15yr old self wanted to know.

I haven't had sex for a year in 35 and don't plan to ever again.

Sevendown · 02/06/2018 08:42

We have a mismatch. We’ve talked. He says the right things but little changes.

I don’t think we’ll be together once the dcs have grown. Not just this but it is part of overall incompatibility.

Blueberryjuice1 · 02/06/2018 08:43

keepithidden and fountofnoknowledge both excellent posts. I think, kih, that you must at least have the discussion with your wife. Tell her how important sex is to you and ask her if now or in the future she might be able to work on a solution with you. This is not coiercian but staying your needs. There is a thread somewhere called ‘dead bedroons’ which might help.

The DP was the bad guy for leaving his XW because there’s no way anyone is going to tell children that a decade plus of no sex is a big part of the reason for unhappiness. The few friends of DW who knew considered him a b***d for leaving for something so unimportant. He tried and tried to rationalise it as being unimportant but in the end was quite despairing.

mummyretired · 02/06/2018 08:50

I am nearly 60. My sex drive is still high and this is not unusual among my friends (men and women). Have learned that confidence building takes more time at this age, though.

Even at my age, I could not tolerate the OP's situation.

TheWorldAsh · 02/06/2018 11:50

@Sevendown communication is only half the story. If one party isn't willing to act then words won't matter. It's. oath parties too, the one with the higher sex drive has to act too. If you can't find agreeable middle ground and you both don't act on what you've talked about. Then the relationship may we'll be over.

@BeyondThePage Exactly. An active sex life is about sexual intimacy in all the forms that can take.

Original poster

IsThisItForMe · 02/06/2018 13:12

I'm very grateful to those posting, because I now feel that my requests for more sex aren't unreasonable! And that at 48, I'm not being greedy!

I did notice about 2 years ago, that he seemed to initiate more, after I lost 2 stone. Maybe that's it, I just don't know. I'm certainly not massive, but definitely would look better 2 stone lighter! We've booked a holiday, so at least I have motivation to exercise.

I don't initiate sex, because in the past I've been rejected by him. So now, I let him initiate, but when it doesn't happen after 3-4 weeks, I get so grumpy and end up moaning about the lack of sex, and that then prompts him to initiate a few days later.

OP posts:

Havabiscuit · 02/06/2018 13:39

Mrs Dilber. Go back to GP and ask very firmly, for a referral to the Menopause clinic.

magictorch · 02/06/2018 17:00

How do you even begin to have the conversation with your OH though? I just can’t seem to even start talking about it. I get so anxious about his reaction and where it will all lead. I want him to want me, not to feel obliged.

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