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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really being that unreasonable?

56 replies

4walls · 20/05/2007 09:29

I am involved in a 3 year long distance relationship. Due to his work and money we only get to see each other twice a month, our main form of communication is msn.

I have put up with this for the past 3 years but I'm growing sick of it, I want a proper relationship where I can see my partner whenever I want to, we can talk in person rather than over a bloody pc and we can go away for weekends etc...just a normal relationship.

I have never met my partners family or friends and have never seen where he lives, he always used to put me off going to see him and now in responce to it being a concern of mine he says I can go and see him whenever I want...he knows I no longer have the money to do so.

Anyway he has mentioned an ex a few times, says she stalked him and things happened and he doesnt want to talk about it and she is a part of his life that he doesn't wash to discuss.

I think this is wierd...I have told him that the relationship is not working but he says he doesnt wish to talk about it over msn so we can talk when he next comes down (in about 3 weeks), I think this is unreasonable, I want to talk about it NOW, we talk about everything over msn, why not this? why should I have to wait 3+ weeks just to talk to my partner about something that is eating me up?

I also told him about the secrecy regarding his ex and how wierd I find it...he said since he trusts me he will tell me all about her...but not now, it has to be in person. Now he's made such a huge deal about it I want to know what's going on...am I really being that unreasonable here??

OP posts:
JulietFarkinBravo · 20/05/2007 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
4walls · 20/05/2007 09:32

A few people have said this actually...I have spoken to his mother very briefly on the phone but that's it.

He also said that once he tells me about this ex I have to swear not to tell anyone as "she could get him seriously hurt*

OP posts:
JulietFarkinBravo · 20/05/2007 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NappiesGalore · 20/05/2007 09:33

agree with JFB.
sounds sketchy as hell.
are you not at all suspicious??

NappiesGalore · 20/05/2007 09:34

oh yeah right, like shes the godfathers daughter or something... or maybe she is the head of the mafia and shes letting im live so lonmg as he keeps his mouth shut

elasticbandstand · 20/05/2007 09:34

probably best to wait until you are face to face.
how horrible for you.
may be you should end it now ... after 3 years it will take some time to get over though

Original poster
4walls · 20/05/2007 09:35

I'm very suspicious....there was an incident where I checked his mobile text messages and there were some saying "are you back yet babe? x" and "shame you're at work, we couldve met up" and then one saying "I'm sorry I had to go, he was waking up..." etc! at first he denied all knowledge of them, when I insisted he "remembered" and said they were from an ex and he was just being friendly as she was really depressed

OP posts:
JulietFarkinBravo · 20/05/2007 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiredemma · 20/05/2007 09:39

ahem.

My Dp would be out on his arse if I found texts like that.

He's having you over

Three years and its mainly about MSN?

that is a SHIT realtionship- get rid.

turquoise · 20/05/2007 09:41

It's not a relationship, he's not your partner. What on earth do you get out of it?

NappiesGalore · 20/05/2007 09:41

and youve put up with this for 3 years????

oh dear girl - you need to be less accepting.
tell him to get fucked.
bet he'll be at your door within 24 hours.
tell him in person o get fucked if he is.
cant beleive youve fallen fr it all this time.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 20/05/2007 09:42

Oh FGS are you for real

You're having a larf surely

This isn't a relationship, it's an occasional fuck

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 20/05/2007 09:42

Oh FGS are you for real

You're having a larf surely

This isn't a relationship, it's an occasional fuck

elasticbandstand · 20/05/2007 09:42

don't answer his msns.
see what happens

tiredemma · 20/05/2007 09:43

Yes- Block him on MSN.

Simple- over- finito.

What a pisstake.

jezebeltheharlot · 20/05/2007 09:45

just out of interest why are you posting this on a parenting website?

do you have children? (not that you have to have children to post here) This seems to be your first post on Mumsnet and I was curious.

elasticbandstand · 20/05/2007 09:45

you have some pride girl?

Original poster
4walls · 20/05/2007 09:47

I have 2 children and I am a name changer, he looks on the forums I use and looks for my usual nickname. He recently found a thread where I was talking about our "relationship".

OP posts:
elasticbandstand · 20/05/2007 09:49

and you have never been to his place?
i wouldnt stand for it for more than a month..

tiredemma · 20/05/2007 09:50

how far away does he live?

elasticbandstand · 20/05/2007 09:51

we will chuck him for you over the forum

Freckle · 20/05/2007 09:52

Why don't you talk on the phone? Or download Skype so you can chat for free?

Do you have his home phone number? Have you ever called it?

I suspect strongly that there is a woman in another part of the country whose dh/dp goes off on a business trip twice a month .

turquoise · 20/05/2007 09:52

Seriously - even if you had a good relationship, aftter three years why wouldn't you be living together? And you don't have a good relationship, you don't even have a relationship.
Dump, block, delete.

moopymoo · 20/05/2007 10:00

You can move away from this you know. Im guessing that your self esteem is a bit low and that is what keeps you hanging in there with him however, this is NOT a relationship. sounds like he is lying to you imo. Block him, find someone new to chat with if you want that buzz of knowing someone is online with you, should take about 5 minutes on a dating website, dont get involved but look at how you can enrich your life that is real and around you. really, this is damaging and will never improve. do you want to be doing this in another 3 years? I know its hard, but move on, please.

Original poster
4walls · 20/05/2007 11:58

I sent him a text about an hour ago saying it wasn't working and I feel he is lying to me. He phoned me 5 minutes later from work saying he doesn't understand what it is I'm suspitious about...I told him about the mysterious ex and he said he will tell me about that later tonight over the phone...I told him about the text messages...he said he has told me the truth and can't make me believe him...I told him about the not meeting his family thing, he said I'm quite welcome to go up and meet everyone but he didn't think I'd have the money and he couldn't afford to put me up in a hotel...he said I can't stay at his house as he lives with his parents in a small 2 bedroomed flat, I don't understand...he works full time and both of his parents work full time so why do they live in such inadaquete conditions? He also said he is embarrassed about the state of the flat, apparantly it's such a mess that there isn't even anywhere to sit down as the sofa is always full of washing.

He seems genuine when he speaks but I don't know anymore.

OP posts: