Am I really being that unreasonable?

[4walls]

I am involved in a 3 year long distance relationship. Due to his work and money we only get to see each other twice a month, our main form of communication is msn.

I have put up with this for the past 3 years but I'm growing sick of it, I want a proper relationship where I can see my partner whenever I want to, we can talk in person rather than over a bloody pc and we can go away for weekends etc...just a normal relationship.

I have never met my partners family or friends and have never seen where he lives, he always used to put me off going to see him and now in responce to it being a concern of mine he says I can go and see him whenever I want...he knows I no longer have the money to do so.

Anyway he has mentioned an ex a few times, says she stalked him and things happened and he doesnt want to talk about it and she is a part of his life that he doesn't wash to discuss.

I think this is wierd...I have told him that the relationship is not working but he says he doesnt wish to talk about it over msn so we can talk when he next comes down (in about 3 weeks), I think this is unreasonable, I want to talk about it NOW, we talk about everything over msn, why not this? why should I have to wait 3+ weeks just to talk to my partner about something that is eating me up?

I also told him about the secrecy regarding his ex and how wierd I find it...he said since he trusts me he will tell me all about her...but not now, it has to be in person. Now he's made such a huge deal about it I want to know what's going on...am I really being that unreasonable here??

He's lying to you sweetheart.

You deserve so much more than that.

When you meet up, where do you meet at?

I think you should just tell him to fuck away off. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him!

You deserve someone who wants to be with you, who can't wait to introduce you to his family, someone who will be proud of you & want to be with you, in your arms, not someone who just wants to chat on msn when they feel like it!

he is LYING
he is protesting b/c hes managed to fool you for so long he has no respect for you and is sure he can fool you again.

next time he asks for a reaosn, tell him its coz his cock is too small and youre sick of faking it.
tell him whatever you want, but entering into dialogue when he has an 'explanation ' for everything... pointless. tell him to get fucked coz you realise touve been a mug and youre not doing it anymore.

sorry for doubting you 4walls

He has to be lying and if one of us was posting this on here you would agree.

If they all work full time there is No way they would live in a tiny 2 bedroomed flat.

Why does he want to live there and why hasnt he suggested you move in together?

What is the distance and is it feasible for you to live together?

I'm in yorkshire and he is in tyneside. When we first got together he was under the impression that he would be able to move in with me. I told him we didn't see each other enough to allow him to move in with me, I couldn't risk him moving in straight with me when I knew he had so much debt and had never lived on his own before, always had parents back up should his wages run out. When he realised it wasn't going to be as easy as moving from his parents into my house he seemed to back off a bit.

I have asked him why he still lives with his parents and he said he can't afford to move out, he pays his parents nothing to live there so has no idea what it is like to run a house.

I was talking to him about his family and he kept saying he "didn't like talking about it" but what I did get out of the conversation was that he has never been on holiday anywhere and neither have his parents, they've never been out of the country.

The thought of living in a little flat (the same one he was born in) and never having holidays or anything depresses me...surely there must be more to their life than just sitting watching tv.

SOunds like you're answering your own questions about it all, it does sounds odd to people on the outside. Only you know what your instincts are telling you and what feels right from here. You sound like you are strong and good at self-preservation by not letting him move straight in. You deserve to be treated better than this. If he isn't prepared to come clean you need some space to decide where you are going with this relationship. Good luck x

How old is he?

He sounds about 11 !!

How on earth did you ever get dragged into all this, did you "meet" on MSN or somthing?.

This is no relationship in any sense at all; sounds like he wants you to continue the role that his parents have provided. Small wonder therefore he backed off when he discovered that just moving from their place into yours was not going to be as straightforward as he though.

He also sounds like Walter Mitty; he's well dodgy and he's also managed to string you along for three years.

Talking on MSN is no form of communication at all; surely you realise that.

Ditch him before you get dragged any further into his "mysterious" life and ways. He's not worth your time and effort.

Anyhow no-one is THAT busy that you only get to see each other twice a month. He's hiding a lot of stuff from you.

You've never met his family or friends. Big Bad signs all round that.

Is this "man" all you think you deserve?. God I hope not.

To be totally frank, he sounds either socially inadequate, or lying, or married (or maybe all 3).

If he works F/T, yet pays his parents nothing, then that belies his protesting that he couldn't "afford" to put you up ONCE in 3 years at a hotel - a B&B would obviously be cheaper.

I think this man probably lives in a fantasy world and you have been drawn into that, because, every so often, he fancies getting his leg over.

When you do meet up, what happens ..... does he just come round yours, watch TV, eat the meal you've cooked etc, or does he take you out, bring you wine, or pay for a takeaway ?

You know, irrespective of what is and isn't the truth behind this, the fact of the matter is that you are unhappy. There must be men in your home town who would love to spend time with you on a regular basis and who would like to involve you in their lives once you get close.

He's using you. I wouldn't be surprised if he "did the rounds" meeting up with other MSN contacts ...... I'm sorry to be blunt, but why you're putting up with this I don't know.

The thing is everytime I try and catch him out he proves me wrong, for instance he was having alot of time off work, full weeks here and there yet he supposedly worked every bank holiday and had no choice about it, I started to wonder if he actually worked where he said he worked (Halfords!) but then he phoned me from work, it was blatantly a shop he was in and then he started coming down in his halfords uniform so he must've been telling the truth about that.

I searched for his family on one of the internet directory sites and nobody with his name came up in his town, not him, his father or anyone so I thought "I've got him", I quetsioned him about it and he had a ready made answer "I take our details off ages ago, it's quite easy to do actually..." how could I dispute that?

When he does come around he pays for take-aways, drinks etc...he pays for 90% of the drinks if we go out anywhere but there are never any suprises like flowers or even a birthday card.

who cares
he si an in aduequate shit head

you do sdeserve better

4walls,

sigh - he will always have an answer for you - all Walter Mitty/fantasist types do.

Why have you been so willing to let yourself be taken for a ride?. So the hell what if he does pay for 90% of the drinks, he ought to as he's seemingly working all the hours God sends and then some more.

You've never had a birthday card from him either?.

What are you going to do?.

is it possible for you to take a day, travel to where he says he is from, and spy on him?

Personally I wouldn't be bothered with it, but maybe it's what you need to do for closure??

sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you...available for a shag now and again, but no sense of what you wish for.

and for three years??. So your life is on hold, in many ways, til laddio decides otherwise.

Don't often join the 'bin him' brigade...but...."bin him". There sounds little hope for happiness.

Join a dating agency online & get out there & meet some interesting fun people, have a good time and just enjoy yourself don't hang around waiting for this man as he really doesn't sound worth it.

You are bound to meet a kind genuine person if that is what you are looking for.

i think i remember you posting on here before, concerned about his supposed working bank holidays.

to be honest if you dont trust him, finish it..

4 walls,

you are not being unreasonable!

It doesn't sound like a "proper" relationship to me.... 3 years is a very long time to carry on with such strange arrangement!

Follow your instincts!

I remember your previous post about this relationship.

The question really is this, where do you see this relationship going? Where do you see yourself a year, 5, 10 years from now? Do you think you have a future with this man?

If yes, then you need to find out where you really stand. Meet his family and find out about his past, but be prepared for the fact that all may not be as he has told you. But if he?s for real, then start to make plans for you to be together properly, if he works for Halfords a transfer shouldn?t be that hard to obtain?

If no, then cut your losses and walk away.

Now you've mentioned Halfords, and someone else mentioned you being worried about bank holiday working, it's all coming back. I think the advice, opinions and suggestions you received before were very similar to what you're getting again now, some weeks or months later.

Yet obviously you're still worried, you still feel uneasy, unhappy and used - and it sounds as if nothing has changed.

Can I be frank again and ask if you have a very low opinion of yourself (that's nothing to be ashamed of, it's just sad ...) because no-one deserves this. You could get run over by a bus tomorrow and the last 3 years will have been a complete waste of your time, with very occasional glimpses of being a "couple" but most of it with you feeling "there must be more to life than this" and there is !!

It's all very well "waiting" for a man in the sense of waiting before moving in together, waiting before getting engaged, saving up for a home and so on, but I get the impression you are waiting for a completely unknown quantity here (and it's not as if he's away in the forces, or working on an oil rig or anything). You not only have no idea where this relationship is going, but what's happened so far isn't really like a "real" relationship at all .... he turns up when he feels like it, keeps you at arm's length and has had to explain away stuff which your gut instinct is telling you doesn't quite add up several times.

Enough is enough surely. Never mind "talking" about it in 3 weeks' time - at his convenience - again. If he values your relationship he'd take a day off, come down to see you, throw a sickie even and face you to sort it all out. What's so bloody difficult about that after all ? If he can't / won't do that, does it really matter what the truth of the matter is ...... just say f* it, I've had enough of this, goodbye, and resolve to start doing what you want to do, when you want to do it ..... doesn't have to be looking for another man immediately ..... it's more about valuing yourself, not letting anyone else take the mick or use you, about treating yourself and making yourself feel good. 'Cos this man sure ain't doing so is he ?

yes catsmother....does she know the solution, but is naturally afraid of it??

It isn't easy, but neither is this "stasis". IMO.

if you are worried about being on your own , could you take up some new hobbies, join a gym, start a leisure college course in photography/art whatever it is you're into? Get an allotment? Join a walking group or something you can get your kids involved with more that involves other parents too.

Whatever you choose, by keeping busy and meeting new people you could start a new and exciting life.

Sounds extremely dodgy, to me.

If you really want to be with this man, call his bluff. Tell him its time to grow up, sack off the MSN and commit to a proper relationsip, or its over.

A few years ago my sister was in the same situation - she had met a man online who came to visit her every now and then but was full of excuses for her not to visit him - I think he also had an ex who was "making things difficult for him" and he didn't want to upset his children.

Anyway, it all turned out to be bullshit. He was playing away from his wife (probably a mid life crisis...) I'm sorry but it really does look like the same kind of thing for you..

The point is that my sis had just come out of an abusive and miserable marriage and her self esteem was at rock bottom. Of course this man's flattery and attention turned her head, why wouldn't it?

Fortunately she got out of that relationship and now is much more positive, she's just got her degree and is in a new relationship with a lovely man who treats her with respect.

Just think - you could be looking back from a much more positive place in a while if you end things with this manipulator once and for all now...

so did you talk last night?

I asked my dh last night what he thought of this and he said, without even thinking "I would think he has another life.".