Now! He’s not sure what he wants 🤬

[Emboo19]

I’m so angry and feel so stupid and just need to vent. He cheated, he fucked things up and then begged and pleaded to get back together. 8 months, 8 fucking months! Of how much he misses us and how he’ll do anything.

And finally he’s kept his world been a model ex and daddy and we’ve been getting on great and I think maybe, just maybe we can make it work and I love him I still really love the fucking stupid bastard!

So like a absolute idiot I tell him just that at the weekend and he’s happy and all for it. Until last night when we talk about the actual practicalities and that it of course doesn’t just mean going straight back to what we had and that there’s obviously some changes I need from him.
So NOW he’s not fucking sure! He can’t say for definite that family life is for him. And all the promises he’s made are just absolute bollocks.

I’ve never ever been a violent person, even after he cheated I wouldn’t have wanted him harmed. But I swear if dd hadn’t been in the house last night, I honestly don’t know what I might have done to him. I feel absolutely rageful. I’ve blocked his number because I just can’t hear his voice droning on about how fucking sorry he is. I feel like I’ll just start scream and I don’t think I’ll stop

And the worst thing! I still have to fucking see him, because we have a child together. I do wish he’d just duck off and we never have to see him again. And of course that’s horrible of me, because he’s dd’s Dad and despite him being a massive dickhead she loves him. But god I hate him right now and if I never saw him again it would be too soon.

I've read probably all of your threads and I'm not surprised in the least.

This prick hasn't just cheated. Post-cheating, he's showed you in every way possible that he's third-rate. And with a good old wide nasty streak to go with it. Threats when he doesn't get his way. Using your child to hurt you (remember his emigration wheeze?) Manipulation.

If you have any sense at all this will be IT. He's your child's dad, yes. Unfortunately all that probably means is that she has a lifetime ahead of dealing with the cunt trying to double-cross and manipulate instead of love and support her, too. So if I were in your shoes what I would be thinking of now is how to support my DD. And high up on my list would be to show her that fucking pathetic sneaky little pricks like her dad should be shut out, shut down so that they can do the least damage possible.

'Despite being a massive dickhead she loves him'.

You too it seems. It's the absolute biggest threat to both you and your child's happiness. Get to counselling and work out why you describe what you feel as 'love' towards someone who is just not worth a penny of it and would without a doubt run you over with a truck if there was something big in it for him.

HE doesn't love either you or your DD, he's a user.

What Fizzy said with bells on.

There is love, and there is love, but it is the actions that show the truth. Everyone has a breaking point when you have enough and things will never be the same, when you cannot even bear the idea of spending the rest of your life with them.

The only thing that I can say is that it is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it. Once you start planing your and DHs future, you will realise how easy life can be when you don’t have a bastard ruining it for you all the time.

What a dick! (Him, I mean.)
But also, maybe you dodged a bullet. Because it's another betrayal, isn't it?

Yes, you love him and perhaps he loves you too - but it sounds like he doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand the enormity of his betrayal of you. And therefore he's more likely to cheat again.

And what sort of person is uncertain that they want family life after they have a child?

I don't know if you want advice, but mine would be: deal with him only by email from now on, and only regarding issues to do with your child.

That's very disappointing from him. I thought he really was sorry and wanted you back.

Try your best to revert to basic coparenting. Focus on DD and your studies.

Showing him you're angry would be giving him too much power.

He can’t say for definite that family life is for him.

Er, this isnt a lifestyle choice you make after having children. If you have children then family life is for you, whether it suits your narcissistic ego or not. They exist. I'd be unable to repsect a man who said such a stupid, immature thing unless he grew up overnight, apologised and stayed grown up ever after.

I know, I know Fizzy I’m just stupid. I really believed the dickish behaviour was because he was struggling so much without us and he’d sorted himself out recently and been really great so like a idiot I believed he’d genuinely changed.

But I’m done!

Me too Sandy. But apparently only if everything is how he wants it and I just forget the cheating and dickish behaviour after cheating. Despite him promising the exact opposite of that on numerous occasions.

And what sort of person is uncertain that they want family life after they have a child?

A stupid immature wanker one! Cards

You did your very best OP and now you absolutely know for sure that he's just not worth the effort.

We all know one of these, always want what they don't have.......until they get it.

This is an old MN cliché I know, but having read your previous posts, I can honestly say 'You are worth so much more than this'.

What the other respondents, particularly Fizzy, have written in their entirety. This is who he is.

Children love parents no matter how crap their, in this case dad, actually is. Your child as well as you are worth far more than this Emboo.

I think that’s it woder he doesn’t want me and dd to have the family life with anyone else, but he doesn’t want it himself. I don’t know what he wants though really

But I’m done with him, we don’t need him and we’ll be absolutely fine without him!

I’ve emailed him, he can have dd eow Friday after nursery to Sunday afternoon, if he doesn’t collect her from nursery or arrange someone to, then he’s lost that weekend. No more visiting her at my house through the week. He gets 4 weeks holiday a year so he can have her for 4 weekly blocks, a week over Easter a week over Christmas and two weeks he can choose but he needs to let me know by email at the start of the year. He’s not having Christmas Day or birthdays, he can call and see her for a hour. I know that’s very un mumsnet but fuck him! I’m the one who makes sure she sees both families and makes it special for her. If he wants it he can take me to court for it, but he won’t. Court will cost time and money and I don’t believe he cares that much. Plus he knows my grandparents are loaded and I’m feeling just bitter enough that I could seriously drag it out to cost him a fortune.

I wish I’d never met him! I’ve never felt that before, because I know it means I wouldn’t have dd. But I feel so sad that she gets such a dickhead of a father and if I could go back and tell 16 year old me to stay the fuck away from him I’d do so in a heartbeat.

I know that you will be OK Emboo, if I remember correctly he's a bit of a charmer, but I think you will be immune to those charms from now on, once you see people for what they really are you can never unsee it.

There is a better future out there without him and I believe you understand that already.

You are feeling the absolute rage of the rejection of your child here, quite apart from yourself. It can make you feel murderous and it doesnt dissipate. Every time they let them down you feel it again. Prepare and try to be philosophical. Sometimes being the bigger person if all you've got.

I think that’s it Oneman. It still after all this time and despite him protesting he felt the opposite. He wants me as in like we were before dd, he doesn’t want to have to be a responsible parent. He’s fine for the fun stuff but the minute I mention that for us to work I’m expecting more from him in regards to dd, he suddenly doesn’t want it anymore.

He wants the home and family comforts while still being able to do what he wants without first thinking of his responsibilities to her.

That’s it though, I’ve spent far too much time crying over him.
He’s never ever going to be the man I want him to be for me or dd. The best I can hope for is that he’ll just carry on playing Disney Dad eow, he’ll keep up with his maintenance payments and that he won’t let her down or mess her round with contact.

Or he realises now that he’s never going to be any good for us and decides to fuck off to aus. At least dd is young enough that she wouldn’t overly miss him.

That’s probably far to much to hope for though.

Emboo, I remember your other posts.

You are angry now, and its quite normal to be. But you have now also seen the truth, hard as that is.

You'll go through all those phases once again I am sure. But anger is helpful I found.

Oh and yes I agree, he is a dickhead.

He really is a dickhead isthismy. I’ve never been this angry with before, even when he’d actually cheated and I’m thinking that’s a good sign to be honest.
I just feel like he’s fucked me about for more than 8 months and before I put his stupid behaviour down to him trying to get us back (even if it was stupidly done). But now I’ve offered him a real chance and he’s thrown it back at me, so really he’s just been being a fucking wanker the whole time and it had nothing to do with how much he supposedly missed us both.

I’m maybe being ridiculously petty right now, but I just can’t face seeing him so I’ve spoken to his mum and brother to ask if they’ll deal with handovers for dd for me, at least in the short term. So he can collect her from nursery on Fridays and drop her with his mum or brother on Sunday’s.
Then I don’t have to see his lying, stupid face!

And do you know what I’ve realised! He’s not even that good looking, I think because he was older and cooler when we started seeing each other I had in my head that he was, but he’s really not.

And I do know looks aren’t everything, I’m not that shallow. But he’s not exactly got anything else going for him either.
I think I was far more naive than I realised in our relationship and I don’t think he can handle that I’m not that stupid little lovesick teen anymore.

His mums embarrassed by him and couldn’t apologise enough. It’s really quite telling though when his own mum is saying I’m too good for him.

Emboo, I've commented before on your threads, with a warning about his behaviour. I'm sorry he has done this to you.

You sound so strong and determined, I was so impressed by the way you handled the initial betrayal and split. Can you imagine how much you could achieve if you didn't have to waste your emotional energies dealing with the crap he throws your way? Think what you will be able to do if you are focussing your efforts in a positive way to improve your life for you and your daughter. Please stick to your guns.

This man wants what he can't have, until he can have it then he gets bored. Your well shot of him.

Get someone else to help facilitate contact. Drop offs and pick ups. Then you don't have to see him.

Oh he’s absolutely done caring. I just wish I hadn’t been so foolish to let him work his way back in to my thoughts and feelings.

At least I can say I tried though and there’s going to be no more facilitating his contact with dd from me. It’s his responsibility and if he can’t be bothered that’s on him.

And I’m a little calmer now and not feeling quite so rageful. Although his reply to my email was ‘don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit’. Which made me want to punch him in the face or better yet see him punched in the face by someone much bigger than me.