Now! He’s not sure what he wants 🤬

[Emboo19]

I’m so angry and feel so stupid and just need to vent. He cheated, he fucked things up and then begged and pleaded to get back together. 8 months, 8 fucking months! Of how much he misses us and how he’ll do anything.

And finally he’s kept his world been a model ex and daddy and we’ve been getting on great and I think maybe, just maybe we can make it work and I love him I still really love the fucking stupid bastard!

So like a absolute idiot I tell him just that at the weekend and he’s happy and all for it. Until last night when we talk about the actual practicalities and that it of course doesn’t just mean going straight back to what we had and that there’s obviously some changes I need from him.
So NOW he’s not fucking sure! He can’t say for definite that family life is for him. And all the promises he’s made are just absolute bollocks.

I’ve never ever been a violent person, even after he cheated I wouldn’t have wanted him harmed. But I swear if dd hadn’t been in the house last night, I honestly don’t know what I might have done to him. I feel absolutely rageful. I’ve blocked his number because I just can’t hear his voice droning on about how fucking sorry he is. I feel like I’ll just start scream and I don’t think I’ll stop

And of course I’d never actually punch someone and I don’t condone violence at all.
But I bet if I tried I could find someone who’d do it for me.

don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit

Well this is in the same vein as telling someone to calm down. It just does not help the situation one bit, in fact, does the opposite.

I think he might now just have realized how much he has pissed you off. And rightly so OP. You have every right to be.

Hope you are ok today.

I’m glad you’ve found your anger OP. After this will come some peace and calm for you and your dd. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable regarding access to dd. I think that’s what works for you and dd, she needs routine and stability, this will give her that and also stop him taking the piss by invading your space by seeing her in your home. I did exactly the same with my ex and it works. Everyone, including the dc know what’s happening and when.

As for talking to him, unless he asks a direct question about your dd then simply ignore him. His ‘over reacting’ comment is his way of waving away your emotions as unimportant. Just do not engage unless it’s about dd. He knows the rules now, if he chooses not to follow them, then he will forfeit his weekend with dd

Don’t engage with his stupid response. Just reply that he must ensure to let you know in good time if he isn’t going to be collecting dd from nursery as arranged.

I’m feeling ok this morning isthis I’m going out for lunch with dd and my mum later so will chat to her about what a idiot he is (she doesn’t like him anyway so needs no convincing).

I got a essay of a email last night (only read it this morning). But short version I’ve apparently taken it the wrong way and he’s not saying he doesn’t want to try but he just wanted me to reasonable with that I expect from him!
I said I want him to be a equal parent to dd, not with the fun stuff and wasn’t even saying it all had to happen straight way. But by the time I’ve finished uni and I’m working I want him to be taking equal responsibility for drop off/pick up appointments all that stuff. So I can also work on my career. I know he has to work but he was the one saying he’d do all this and he’d look at working for himself to give him the flexibility and he’d cut down on time spent on hobbies, now suddenly none of that’s possible.
Oh and I wouldn’t be ok with a stag do to magaluf with the work friends he was with when he cheated on me!
The same work friends he swore he’d never see again

It would be funny really if it wasn’t so fucking sad. He’s 25 years old and a father and he’s more bothered about his hobbies and going away with a bunch of sleezy cheating wankers than his family.

I’ll ask nursery to phone me if he’s not there by a certain time MyKingdom. They won’t want to end up staying late with her and I don’t want her being the last one. He’ll have until 5:30 then I’ll go get her. His mum or brother are both happy to collect her if he can’t for work reasons, all he has to do is ask. So if he ends up not seeing her it’s on him and they’ll both say the same if he takes me to court.

I do hope for dd that he sticks to that, when he has her he is good. Takes her swimming and out places and she’s well looked after so I’ve no concerns at all.

Emboo, I’ve read your previous threads from when you were together to when he cheated, to being jealous of his new partner and you trying to move on yourself with a fella you didn’t quite fancy.

I say this with heartfelt compassion and sympathy, he is not the man for you. He is a man-child with whom you share a daughter with but your relationship together is toxic. He seems to either need to put you on a pedestal or reject you. Nothing in between.

Please, please, take this opportunity to get rid. When you find a proper man to have a proper loving relationship with, all of this will seem like a colossal waste of emotional energy.

Keep strong.

He is being a dog in the manger. When he knows you want him he goes cold but when you back away he comes running. There is only one outcome here if you do let him back(which I feel you won’t) and that is him cheating again.

Have a brilliant lunch and bitch session.

I know he’s not NC. It’s just so hard when before dd I’d say we had a really good relationship. But my mum was saying today, it was good then because he was getting exactly what he wanted. He had the pretty, adoring gf, we both spent time with friends and still had plenty of time to go out together. The first time I actually really needed him to step up, when I was pregnant with dd he didn’t/couldn’t!
That’s what I need to remember...... But it’s difficult when all those lovely memories of my first love are still there.

You’re right though I can’t do it anymore it’s exhausting, he’s exhausting and I can’t take it anymore.

And he’s not a idiot or particularly immature in most aspects, he’s always worked hard and progressed in his job, he’s lived away from home since he was 20. Always been sensible and saved money not got into debt and managed to buy his house with a good deposit. So when he says he’s not ready for family life or when he says he struggles with that it’s us, me and dd. It’s us he struggles with not being a grown up he does that already, but putting someone above himself. He’s selfish. I think that’s the start and finish of it. He knows now he’ll never be number one in my life and he doesn’t like that. His hobbies and time will always be more important than mine or dd’s.

That’s what I need to remember, because he’s not going to change.

And me and especially dd deserve more than that!

just checked my email and 8 emails from him! How the fuck do you co-parent with idiots.
I’ve not replied to any of them, because to be honest I’m not sure what I’m replying to. In one he wants midweek nights here still, then he wants her overnight and then 50/50, then a really lovely ‘fuck you both then, I don’t want to see either of you’.
When I’m a tad calmer I’m going to just re email the schedule for eow and re stipulate pick up and drop off times.

You’ve told him how it’s going to work with your dd, that’s what you stick to. He has no say I’m it now. If he wants anything different it goes to court

It's actually very easy to be selfish in a couple and for both parties to be pretty happy with the situation. It's ok if one of you insists on spending the whole day playing golf on a Sunday if the other is happy to read at home/meet friends/has their own hobby etc. Everyone enjoys their Sunday, everyone's happy.

I think it's these relationships that find the addition of children so difficult. The selfish partner continues to be selfish. The other suddenly realised that the situation they thought was working for everyone suddenly only works for one person when they end up making all the changes. I think your mum is right, who he is hasn't changed, it's just that you could easily accommodate it as part of a couple and you can't do that now you have DD.

It's shit this has happened but you sound great and I've every confidence it's his loss not yours.

I wouldn't respond to any further emails about the relationship, there's no point. Respond only to discuss DD and keep all communication to a minimum. If necessary maybe go through his Mum for now.

I think my mums right too Sunshine.

It’s really hard not to reply to him and I really think he just does this to mess with me. But still I have that little niggle that I’m being unreasonable not letting him see dd as much as possible. And he knows that’s what I’ll be thinking so he says just the right things to get at me.

He’s being particularly vile in these emails though and switching between loving me and calling me all sorts of horrible things. Never known him be so cruel and it’s really difficult to read. I’ve forwarded some to his brother, not to be malicious they don’t get on overly well anyway. But I need someone who knows and cares about us both to read them and tell me I’m not crazy to think this is so out of order and unjustified of him.

I too have read your previous threads and had hoped that you and he could work things out.

I’m sorry things have turned out this way.

I think it is clear to you that he isn’t the man you thought he was. Hopefully, this will be the last chance you give him.

It sounds to me like he wants to be able to live the single life but have you and DD at home as his comfort blanket.

Do not settle for second best. You can do much better than this. You seem to be an intelligent and articulate woman who is going to go places and make a success of her life with DD. Don’t let this fucker bring you down.

What you've offered is reasonable. I'd ask him to direct and requests for additional time through him mum for now. I think you need to cut off his ability to try and control you via your DD. You know he's doing it, he knows how to press your buttons.

I think you need to detach as much as you possibly can.

I'm thinking 'The Beautiful South' song, 'I've had a little time'. 💐.

Unfortunately I need to keep some form of contact with him. His mums a nurse so works shifts and obviously isn’t easily contactable when working. She’s happy to help where possible but I do need a way for him to contact me when he’s got dd or to arrange when he’s having her.

I re sent him the contact arrangements and said if he needs to change weekends I need at least a weeks notice and if we’ve not got plans I’ll do my best to accommodate them. I also said I wouldn’t respond to anything that wasn’t about dd and that I think it’s only right that I let him know that under the advice of my solicitor I would be keeping copies of all emails he sends.
I also put that my only concern is for dd and I do hope he keeps a consistent and grown up approach to contact despite his feelings towards me and I’ll do the same.

Had to google it Paperdolly but that sounds like him.

I’ve mostly been playing Dua Lipa IDGAF! On repeat!

Way to go!!! 👍🏻

I think you’ve obviously read all the good advice on here. Restrict contact to emails, keep repeating the same thing to him, tell him contact with your dd is on your terms.

He can fuck off wanting mid week nights at your place, if he’s not on the tenancy, he can just fuck off. Be strong, Emboo, the guy’s an idiot. Doesn’t know if he wants family life? He has a child, it’s not like he can send her back! Idiot.

Well done OP

No it's my house Mael so he's no right to be here at all. I honestly don't know what is wrong with him. He came round drunk last night banging on the door, I phoned his brother and a friend who came and got him, but he ended up hitting his brother. I almost phoned the police and if he turns up again I'm just going to phone them straight away.

I think he could well be really mixed up and not know how he feels and it's messing with him a bit or he's just a cunt and he gets off on giving me aggro.

Either way, he's not my responsibility and he's blown any chance of being with me. If he's genuinely struggling I do hope he gets help and sorts him self out for dd, but I can't be a part of that help and I can't trust him to ever be in a relationship with again. If he's just a cunt, I hope he gets bored and fucks off and leaves us both alone.

It's the same old, same old, OP. He's genuinely scared he's lost you now, he'd started to believe he could dictate what he would and wouldn't do, he'd started to take you for granted again.

This is what he is, someone who will always think the grass is greener.