Questions if you left your marriage years after discovering husband's affair

[WastedTears]

I discovered DH had a 10 month affair 3 years ago.
We have had loads of ups and downs over the last 3 years. I love him more than anything but hate him so much for what he's done.

He never properly went NC with OW.
I'm in touch with OW who still has feelings for my DH and told him she loved him recently. DH denies he has feelings for her but still defends her and their contact. I am not sure he hasn't told her he loves her recently too.

DH does love me and our DD and wants us to get through this but I am tired, fed up and feel flat. He cries for what he's done and begs for forgiveness all the time. He is more attentive now, more affectionate and we have a better sex life. BUT I STILL feel empty.

Its different when people leave immediately after discovering an affair as I think the fury is still there. I wish I had left 3 years ago to spare the heartache I've suffered because of him.

Our marriage isn't so bad now and I don't feel like it's bad enough to leave.
We have fought so much and in front of DD and I can't go through the agony of dredging all this up again but I don't want to keep feeling so flat and miserable.
It comes over me in waves.
My family know what he's done and are supportive of whatever I decide but they make the point that I'm miserable now but I'd be more unhappy without him.

How long after your DHs affair did you keep trying before leaving?
If I leave now, can I still blame his affair for breaking up our family?
I don't want to destroy our family and DH has nothing, no job, no family except mine, no friends of his own and I feel trapped that I cant do this to him? This is stupid of me?

I do love him and our life together but I can't get over his betrayal.
I can't get over images of him and OW and I can't forget that he told me her loved her.
She is 15 years younger, thinner and so much more attractive than me. I am my DH's usual type, blonde medium length hair and pasty. and its really affected me that he picked someone who looks so different to me, she is taller, thinner, dark skinned and has really long dark hair. I know he can't find me physically attractive anymore despite what he says. Not compared to her.

We have had counselling which hasn't really helped me. It did more for him than me.

I just don't know what to do. I read that it takes some people up to 5 years to recover. Do I keep trying until the 5 year point? WHat if it doesn't work? What a waste of my 40s. What a 'celebration' my 50th will be.

I'm feeling very down I'm sorry.

Freud, you are 8 years on and still feel the need for counselling?
That is such a long time to struggle and I'm heartbroken for you and me.
I wanted to be able to forgive and forget but I cant see how I'll ever forget or forgive him.

Have you?

I feel even more flat in since he chose me that I am confused about what I've been fighting / competing so hard for.
I/m obviously glad he picked me and not OW but I am thinking is this it?

I cant pinpoint why I prefer him not working but at the moment he is totally dependent on me and that gives me some security that e wouldn't ever have an affair again.
Not with OW or anyone else.
He knows he'd lose it all and be left with nothing.

No

He knows if he does it again you will overlook it as you allegedly "can't live without him". Don't be so dramatic...what are you, a teenager ? Of course you can live without any man.

The "dependence" is not coming from from him, but you. He is using you and you are fooling yourself

Don't you think that while you are working to support this cheating twat, he has plenty of unsupervised time to perfect his plans to fuck other women ?

You might as well negotiate an open relationship and rubberstamp his status as very expensive pet who deigns to throw you a few crumbs every so often.

Tragic

But he was dependent and cheated on you this time. Why do you think he wouldn't do it again?

Realistically, you can't keep him tied to the house - he can invite someone else into it if he's determined to.

OP someone once said to me when I was talking about being unhappy with someone I loved and how said I would be to end it “but you only have to get over him once. If you stay, you’ll have to keep on dealing with this constantly” - it really stayed with me.

Wise words, that ^^

but you only have to get over him once. If you stay, you’ll have to keep on dealing with this constantly
Wow, this ^. So true.
Wish Someone had told me this when I tortured myself for years after exh cheated on me. I did leave in the end as I was just making myself miserable and I could never trust him again. 3 years of wondering why, what did I do, what can I do to stop him doing it again? Blaming him, blaming myself. After a while I think I actually started to enjoy living in misery. You need to break away OP. You’ll only hate yourself if you don’t

OP, quietly make your plans for life without him.
Then when you're ready, ask him to leave and don't take no for an answer.
You'll feel so much better.

Your reasoning is very twisted you know. You won't heal until you break away. Your poor kid(s). This is not a relationship you'd wish for them to model surely.

Or his dependency might make him more likely to cheat again. He has the time and will need someone to rub his ego, make him feel better about his dependency.