Questions if you left your marriage years after discovering husband's affair

[WastedTears]

I discovered DH had a 10 month affair 3 years ago.
We have had loads of ups and downs over the last 3 years. I love him more than anything but hate him so much for what he's done.

He never properly went NC with OW.
I'm in touch with OW who still has feelings for my DH and told him she loved him recently. DH denies he has feelings for her but still defends her and their contact. I am not sure he hasn't told her he loves her recently too.

DH does love me and our DD and wants us to get through this but I am tired, fed up and feel flat. He cries for what he's done and begs for forgiveness all the time. He is more attentive now, more affectionate and we have a better sex life. BUT I STILL feel empty.

Its different when people leave immediately after discovering an affair as I think the fury is still there. I wish I had left 3 years ago to spare the heartache I've suffered because of him.

Our marriage isn't so bad now and I don't feel like it's bad enough to leave.
We have fought so much and in front of DD and I can't go through the agony of dredging all this up again but I don't want to keep feeling so flat and miserable.
It comes over me in waves.
My family know what he's done and are supportive of whatever I decide but they make the point that I'm miserable now but I'd be more unhappy without him.

How long after your DHs affair did you keep trying before leaving?
If I leave now, can I still blame his affair for breaking up our family?
I don't want to destroy our family and DH has nothing, no job, no family except mine, no friends of his own and I feel trapped that I cant do this to him? This is stupid of me?

I do love him and our life together but I can't get over his betrayal.
I can't get over images of him and OW and I can't forget that he told me her loved her.
She is 15 years younger, thinner and so much more attractive than me. I am my DH's usual type, blonde medium length hair and pasty. and its really affected me that he picked someone who looks so different to me, she is taller, thinner, dark skinned and has really long dark hair. I know he can't find me physically attractive anymore despite what he says. Not compared to her.

We have had counselling which hasn't really helped me. It did more for him than me.

I just don't know what to do. I read that it takes some people up to 5 years to recover. Do I keep trying until the 5 year point? WHat if it doesn't work? What a waste of my 40s. What a 'celebration' my 50th will be.

I'm feeling very down I'm sorry.

When I was many, many years younger, in the throes of a break up, I got involved with a married man who I worked with. I was in a very bad place when it happened, and regretted it deeply, so did he. He and his wife stayed together.

We worked in the same team, with many mutual friends/colleagues. He got another job and, we never ever spoke again, except once when there was going to be a big reunion we were both meant to go to, I sent him a one line email to say I wouldn't be there - literally 'I won't be going to X event' - his reply 'Thanks.' Only contact ever. In other words, we did everything to make sure we'd never cross paths again, and although this is a very long time ago, this is long term commitment - wouldn't take a job in same company, would rigidly avoid any other crossover point (not completely theoretical given shared friends, geographical location, careers in same field).

I am sure IF I was or am ever discussed in their marriage it will be in the most disparaging terms, and that's fair enough. I can't change what happened but disappearing off the face of her Earth is frankly the only thing I can decently do.

I'm saying all this because if this is what 'sorry' looks like for your DH or this OW, it isn't good enough for you. Does he know how you feel? Because he should never have talked to her again, and if you want to stay in the marriage, he needs to insist on that now, and tell her that she shares this responsibility too.

You get my first LTB!!!

Honestly, it’s hard but you need to accept that it is over, grieve and move on. You will. I did, loads of us have. It’s hard but this half life is worse.

My exH was a serial cheat but I felt responsible for trying to make our marriage work so I stayed but it needs both parties to make the effort and he never did.

In the end I had counselling on my own to decide what I wanted and ultimately I left. I have two DC - they are fine. I am remarried and have never been happier and the DC love DH.

ExH is with the last of the OW and they are miserable together. My divorce cost me a lot financially and emotionally bit it was worth it and 10 years on and in my fifties my only regret is giving him all the power of choice for so long. The counselling helped me realise I could make my own choices.

This is tragic 😔
Move on OP. He loves her and would be with her but depends on you for financial support.

I think you will be sad if you leave him. For a bit. You may even be jealous if he shacks up with his ow.

But that will pass. It will.

And slowly, you will stop wondering about what is real and the truth because it simply won't matter to you anymore.

What a relief to be free from all that doubt and worry. Wouldn't that be nice?

It is possible.

He has not behaved well at all. He had a chance to make amends. He chose not to block her. To encourage her even. How does that foster new trust? It doesn't.

It's not good enough for you or your dd. Absolutely not. You are both worth far more.

He really isn't a prize. Far from it.

So if you do decide to leave or kick him out, there doesn't have to be a drama. Shut the drama down especially in front of your dd.

I would contact a solicitor for a chat about this and what the best way to go about it is.

He can still be a good father to dd if you split even though he hasn't really been a good dad by shagging around and wrecking his family.

I wouldn't bother asking the ow for verification on any facts. She has her own agenda and will tell you what suits her and possibly your dh.

This site is a good read.

We had a huge argument and long talk last night. he told me he despises OW now.
That she pursued him and still does and he ignores her advances.
He told me its been over for a long time and promised again he has gone NC with her.

I believe him and I cant live without him.

He says if we ever separated he would never fight over DD>that she would be better living with me and I believe him.
I am not worried about that.
He also said he is the one who broke us so he would expect to leave with nothing.

We talked about him working more now but tbh the fact he is dependant on me makes me feel secure.
I don't think want him to work FT.
And I like knowing her is home which makes me feel secure too.

He ignores her but doesn't block her? Okay.

Well it sounds like you've found some resolution.

Are you happier + more secure if he doesn't work full time so he doesn't have a chance to meet other people? Potentially another ow? Is that what you mean by feeling more secure?

Pitiful

You poor love, how on earth can he or anyone expect you to begin healing when OW is very much still around, contact should have been cut immediately. He is a cunt to be frank.

It’s unhealthy to think that you can’t live without someone. Dependence and lack of self confidence isn’t love.

You cannot rely on his word about DD. He may act very differently in the event of your relationship ending.

Why doesn't he despise himself?

He does despise himself.
He says when he told her he loved her he didn't mean It and it was an addiction.
he said he is frightened of losing us and the last years have been a mistake.
He has said this before though.
But I don't have the energy to fight and I know he needs me.
He picked me not her.

Good luck and remember, it’s not what he SAYS it’s what he DOES

Tragic

These years and years of the “pick me dance” will take their toll on your health.

Whatever you do, please get some legal advice.

It's not a case of him picking you, it's whether you pick him.

Very helpful advice that I received from Mumsnet -

Do not feel sorry for him
You cannot choose to stay with him if you haven't fully contemplated leaving.

If you continue to work FT while he does little paid work and is the main carer, you are at risk of not having shared residency and paying spousal maintenance, and sharing your pension, should you break up in one, five or ten years time. Does he have a pension?

Do you really think the risk he would leave you or have another affair would increase were he not financially dependent on you? If so, his “love” is not worth having.

Plus, as a SAHD with a school age DD he has lots and lots of time and opportunity to communicate with and meet whomever he fancies.

He picked me not her. Except he hasn't communicated that clearly to her. And you get a choice too. Don't pick him. You're worth so much more.

Sounds like you've cleared the air.
So you now need to work on your marriage.
It will be hard work but you , like many others can end up with a better, stronger happier relationship than ever before.
It will take time and effort.
Good luck xx

He has said this before though.

This^ says it all.

He picked you?

Great.

Who do you pick?

He fucked up big time. He should have been working very very hard all this time to make sure you picked him.

It sounds like you've been doing all the graft. Not him.

I honestly feel so sad reading all this. Others are right, this is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here.

You’ve been through the mill and I don’t want to make you feel shitter than you evidently do. But please please think about what all of this is teaching your little girl about how relationships work.

She knows more then you think, and as she gets older she’ll know even more. That’s from experience.

You realise that being at home gives him the time to fool around, don't you?

We're 8 years post d-day and have just started marriage counselling.

If I can give you any advice, tell him it's counselling or divorce. Please don't live with this any longer, it'll eat you up and he clearly hasn't learnt a thing since the affair, otherwise he'd have cut contact.

My heart is breaking for you x x x

Can't live without him?
I've heard it all.

I have some sympathy because clearly you have some self esteem issues but this is really weak.

He hasn't picked you. You've been lumbered with a twat.