Questions if you left your marriage years after discovering husband's affair

[WastedTears]

I discovered DH had a 10 month affair 3 years ago.
We have had loads of ups and downs over the last 3 years. I love him more than anything but hate him so much for what he's done.

He never properly went NC with OW.
I'm in touch with OW who still has feelings for my DH and told him she loved him recently. DH denies he has feelings for her but still defends her and their contact. I am not sure he hasn't told her he loves her recently too.

DH does love me and our DD and wants us to get through this but I am tired, fed up and feel flat. He cries for what he's done and begs for forgiveness all the time. He is more attentive now, more affectionate and we have a better sex life. BUT I STILL feel empty.

Its different when people leave immediately after discovering an affair as I think the fury is still there. I wish I had left 3 years ago to spare the heartache I've suffered because of him.

Our marriage isn't so bad now and I don't feel like it's bad enough to leave.
We have fought so much and in front of DD and I can't go through the agony of dredging all this up again but I don't want to keep feeling so flat and miserable.
It comes over me in waves.
My family know what he's done and are supportive of whatever I decide but they make the point that I'm miserable now but I'd be more unhappy without him.

How long after your DHs affair did you keep trying before leaving?
If I leave now, can I still blame his affair for breaking up our family?
I don't want to destroy our family and DH has nothing, no job, no family except mine, no friends of his own and I feel trapped that I cant do this to him? This is stupid of me?

I do love him and our life together but I can't get over his betrayal.
I can't get over images of him and OW and I can't forget that he told me her loved her.
She is 15 years younger, thinner and so much more attractive than me. I am my DH's usual type, blonde medium length hair and pasty. and its really affected me that he picked someone who looks so different to me, she is taller, thinner, dark skinned and has really long dark hair. I know he can't find me physically attractive anymore despite what he says. Not compared to her.

We have had counselling which hasn't really helped me. It did more for him than me.

I just don't know what to do. I read that it takes some people up to 5 years to recover. Do I keep trying until the 5 year point? WHat if it doesn't work? What a waste of my 40s. What a 'celebration' my 50th will be.

I'm feeling very down I'm sorry.

If we didn't have DD who he loves so much and would do anything and sacrifice anything for, he probably would be with OW.
I still have sleepless nights thinking about her. Pathetic, he is lying there thinking about her and so am I.
I cant bear him leaving me for her. What have I done wrong? I've always put him and DD first for everything and he repays us by doing this.
He cant go NC and when he does he thinks I don't notice him moping or being more depressed than usual.

Sometimes it feels like the only time we are both even a bit alive in our marriage is when we have furious rows and make up afterwards.

This is so messed up but it's when he's been in touch with OW or I have that we actually fight and I remember what is I'm fighting for. That I feel something for him or that I want him. When we aren't arguing or busy with other family stuff, I feel so flat. Questioning whether this is what it will feel like forever?

FLat and empty.

The affair didn't end three years ago, it's still ongoing. He hasn't left you because you're paying his bills and keeping him and this is all wonderfully convenient and easy for him. As well as two women fighting over him and pandering to his ego.

If he has been a stay at home dad and still managing to see her whilst having an affair with her, does that mean he was meeting up with her while he had his kids with him either in your home or elsewhere. Either way he's having his cake and eating it and playing you both for fools. Time to seek legal advice first, BEFORE you get rid of him. Ideally, demand that he takes on some normal paid employment even if it's stacking shelves as quite simply put, he sounds like a freeloader. Let's be real here. If he was any good at what he does career/self employment wise, you wouldn't be keeping him and he would be able to contribute appropriately to the household. The fact that he has no family or friends to speak of says it all. They washed their hands off him years ago. You need to do the same.

He is letting your DD down badly too. Hardly being father of the year to treat her mother like this.

Three years on you think he wants OW, and is primarily staying for DD, and he is still in contact and displaying moping behaviour! Stuff that!

Getting legal advice and ducks in a row, and asking him to return to work because him SAH/ earning little through freelancing no longer works for you, would not commit you to ending the relationship, but would make it easier if you decide to do so.

When you are fighting and getting feelings of wanting him, that could be hysterical bonding. It's a bugger.

It hurts like hell when your partner has an affair and it is automatic to think that it's something you've done wrong or that the OW is better than you in some way. But people have affairs because there is something wrong with them

You'll feel much better once you're in charge of your own life. Let her have him. She'll always know he didn't love her enough to leave you and I doubt their relationship will last long once they're not star-crossed lovers. And when people ask why, be truthful - he had an affair, you did your best to forgive him for the sake of your child but he (and she) continued to lie and disrespect you and you couldn't. The shame is theirs not yours.

Put a rocket under the whole stay at home Dad bit. It might mean you telling him that you would like more time with your daughter and stepping back from work a bit but remove his status as primary carer. Make this your top priority whatever you eventually decide. Good luck

Let her have him. I’m sure nothing will kill the passion more for her than having an unemployed man hanging about and being a drain on her.

This is one of the saddest threads I have ever read. And I've seen plenty.

One man is worth all this shit ?

No.

Op I hope your ok, you sound so sad, I get where you are coming from, my dh had a few ons and I was shocked after digging, and I mean really digging, I found them on social media and they were the complete opposite of me, im blonde tall and have a nice enough figure, they were dark haired, normal run of the mill women too, nothing stood out to me, I think in the end its not about looks, but more about who has your heart. I love my dh and I am heartbroken about what he has done, but we are trying to move on, I get those days where Iwonder did it really happen and how I am still here, my kids, my family unit that I love is why. And also because I don't want to give up on us. I have never done the dirty on him and I don't think I ever will, as I couldn't put someone else through what I went through, every single person is different, I went on another mums forum after it happened and got ripped to shreds telling me I was an idiot and this and that. No one knows me, or my life, you can only take opinions and put them against your own for guidance. I wouldn't be happy with the whole not going NC with OW at all, for me that would be a deal breaker. Would you feel better giving him an ultimatum? Maybe your still flat and deflated because he hasn't so much really picked you if she is still lingering around? I would be fucking furious if another woman was telling me she loved my DH, some people I really wonder about, I mean piss off and find someone who is bloody single! Could you not tell her to back the fuck off , Christ sakes there is kids involved here.

"he hates the OW for what she's done" if he was that bothered he'd block her / change his number / speak to the police about harassment. Sounds like he enjoys having two women after him and his ego boost. Having his cake and eating it too. You deserve better. Either he goes no contact or you have to leave them to it

Thank you for reading this and replying.

Even if he goes NC now forever and ever, how do I get over it that the only reason he has gone NC is because I made him. It isn't a choice by him, its forced by me.
Even when he had long spells of NC and was all mopey and horrible to be around we weren't any better really.
I still flip between loving him madly and forgiving him and hating him and crying over what he's done to us.

Is he worth it? I don't know.
But he is my DDs father and we have our life together which is very hard to throw away.

I'm nearly 50 too and I don't want to start again.

It isn't even like he wants to leave us to be with OW, I told him lots he can and said I wouldn't stand in their way but he doesn't want that.

He says he wants DD and I. But I know he's always thinking about OW. He started watching porn in the last few years or maybe he always has and Ive only found out now by checking his phone when he's been asleep. The women in what he watches all look like OW which makes me so sad I cry just thinking about it.
I don't know how long he'll hate her for because she told me the truth about what he said to her but I feel like I'm always waiting for him to tell me he chooses her.
Or that if I ask him to leave he'll go to her and that I'll never get over it.

I am sad staying with him but I worry I'll be sadder leaving.

Has anyone who has gone through this got to 3 years and still felt this way? Is this normal and have you got better with more time? Or at this point is enough really enough? Or is 5 years really the magic number?

He's a piece of shit. You do need to leave, if only because he probably will finally fuck off either with her or someone else the day your DD leaves home.

He's a nasty liar. Stop listening to a word he says.

My main concern would be establishing without doubt that you are the main carer for your DD, because it sounds right now as if he could argue for residency.

Personally I would tell him that he needs more in his life, as do you, or this is never going to recover properly. So - he needs a job.

This will give him a bit more 'stuff' in his life, and new people, and security - so you won't feel so bad about leaving eventually.

When he gets a job, get childcare sorted and make sure things are such that his child caring time is far less than yours. Document it all.

And then leave the fucker.

Porn use in addition?

No, it’s not worth it. This relationship and his behaviour is bad for your mental health.

Sorry you’re going through this op

I left my exh 3 years after I found out about his affair. He did immediately go NC with the other woman, who he met through work and even changed jobs. Trouble was he minimised everything, never told me the whole truth about what happened and told me it was an emotional affair and nothing sexual. I found out further down the line he had slept with her a couple of times. I left after that as I felt he’d lied to me for a further 3 years and had never truely given me the whole truth to make my decision on. Trouble was it was broken even without finding out he’d slept with her. I never truely got over it, birthdays, anniversary, Christmas, valentines, all spoilt for me. Everything reminded me of his betrayal and I then understood his capacity for deceit. For me I lost the one thing I could never get back, trust and loyalty. The relationship was shallow and empty for me

Is this thread for real ?

There was a very similar thread on here a couple of weeks ago. A woman's husband had and affair which he said was ended. The woman still felt so sad and deflated.

Pretty much the affair hadn't ended which was why she felt so sad. The husband could not block OW's number because it was someone at their child/ren's school.

The OW 'bumped into' her husband and apparently told her she still loved him.

When the OP of this tale was told that he's toned things down with OW but would leave like a shot if he could - that was a real eye opener for her.

I feel that's what's going on here.

Or is 5 years really the magic number?

FFS OP - you aren't magically going to wake up after 5 years and be over it.

He's a cheating piece of shit who uses porn and pines constantly for his lover.

When you 'force' him to go no contact he becomes 'mopey and horrible.'

You and he 'argue in front of' your daughter - damaging her in the process.

His lover is a constant presence in your lives causing misery.

Your marriage only 'feels alive' when you argue and make up. The rest of the time it and you feel 'flat' and 'empty'.

You are sad and unhappy the majority of the time.

...........................................................

Remind me again ... why exactly are you still there?

OP, you sound so sad I wish I could give you a hug. This is a tough time and I wish there was a way to make it easier for you.

The reality is, you DH doesn't love you, he loves the lifestyle you bring him. He looks after DD and doesn't have to work. If he loved you, he would have ceased all contact with the OW. if he loved you, you wouldn't have to ask him to send a text asking her to leave him alone, because he would have done that himself. If he loved you, he would be trying every day to make sure you know you are the only woman for him. If he loved you.

But he doesn't. He doesn't make an effort, he is mopey, and he is STILL in contact with her. Right under your nose.

Don't do this for yourself if you don't want to. Do it for your daughter, who deserves to live in a house of happiness, and to see her mother happy. So she understands that men who okay around and don't stand up for their responsibility aren't worth the time of day.

Have you got anyone you could be open and honest with in real life? They can help you get your ducks in a row to start divorce proceedings.

If you wait 5 years you'll be thinking - why didn't I leave 2 years ago?

It worries me that you seem to be burying your head in the sand about the risks you face in a divorce as the main earner when your H is primary carer of your DD.

My heart actually breaks for you because you're so sad. This life you thought you knew. It's just not there..

The only thing you can do now is move on. You can't stay with him. It's never going to be happy!

The thing is that you can't end someone else's affair. You can stop him seeing her (possibly) but you can't stop him thinking about her.

Get some gumption now, OP. You know he's thinking about her. You're thinking about her, too. Tell him to go. Make him go. Take control and show him you're not to be messed with. Send her the message that you no longer want him - he'll be less appealing to her, then, too.

The idea of this prick being treated as a prize for two women to fight over is really awful.

Send her the message that you no longer want him - he'll be less appealing to her, then, too

Yep

Give him a choice keeping in contact with her when after what they did it's disrespectful to you, or staying married to you?

You can learn to forgive and love again after an affair but only by removing that person from your lives.

Good luck

You need to lawyer up.
If he has been the main carer for your DD, and you have been out working, then if you did separate he could have a good argument to be the resident parent.
Time you started encouraging him to get a job out of the house, and you maybe reducing your hours so that you can be at home more.

If he really loved her he would leave and be with her - but he won't.
If a husband doesn't leave his wife it's because ......,(drum roll )!he doesn't want to.
BUT the price of this is no contact with the ow.
He cannot have you both.
He won't like it but that's tough. That the cost. He'll get over it ( don't feel sorry for him. ) it will diminish so allow for a bit of mopping / withdrawal symptoms. But she hasn't got anything he really wants. Remember you are THE WIFE , you are he prize.
Daft as it sound you're probably thinking more about her than he ever did. Stop that now. You can do this. Time to move forward in your marriage and put the past behind you.
You are a strong woman. Time to focus on all the good stuff. xx