DH won’t talk about anything

[Theycallmepheobe]

On the surface DH and I have a great relationship. We are affectionate, have fairly regular sex and never argue. But we can’t talk about anything other than lighthearted or day to day stuff. I don’t know his opinion on anything important or philosophical and if I ask him any direct questions he just clams up. I love him but miss being with someone who I can open up to. He never asks me any questions if I start talking to him about something and doesn’t really show any interest. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but nothing changes. I think it is just how he is. We’ve been together 15 years this year and I’m depressed that it will always be like this.

Sounds very frustrating. For me there would be no point. Does he open up to anyone else?

That's a shame to hear op.

Has he always been like this? I guess what I'm really asking is, did you marry knowing he was like this? If so, were you hoping he'd change, or have you changed in some way?

Surely you discussed getting married? I'm guessing you didn't kidnap him and drag him to the registrar!

Do you have DC? If so, how did you discuss starting to TTC?

Mines like this. ASD runs in the family.

Marking my place. I gave up after 13 years.
I was tired of trying to analyse it. I didn't feel special. Even though I adored him and he was very generous I felt empty. Incomplete, short changed even. We never had DC's together. I still don't understand why I stayed with him so when you find out I will be taking note.

When couples say they never argue, I wonder. DH and I argue. Because we passionately care about each other and about the world. We don't always agree, but we work it out. Sometimes by arguing.

Not sure I could I've with someone who didn't care deeply. Or does he and something else is going on?

Yes that. A lack of passion and personality. Well put Terry

He doesn’t really open up to anyone else at all, he would say that I’m the closest person to him in the world. I guess he probably was always like this, but there’s lots of things I like about him, he’s easy to be around, undemanding, we have similar interests and he’s hands on with the kids. It feels like a partnership in every way, except this. After a nightmare ex being with him is so easy. I suggested getting married and having kids and he agreed- most decisions work this way - he generally agrees with me. Tbh I wondered about ASD too. He said he had thought this in the past. He is very affectionate though so I’m not sure.

Sorry I’m the op (name change fail) 😳

Some people just don't live a reflective life, though, OP - they're happy bumbling along, they don't have political opinions, they don't speculate about life, the universe and - well - everything. I had a boyfriend like this a couple of lifetimes ago, we went out for a year & he was perfectly pleasant but I had no sense of sharing a life with him so I ended it. He married, had children etc & is still steadily married (whereas I'm long divorced and long term single) so maybe there's something to be said for not thinking too much...

I think I probably agree you walkacrossthesand maybe it’s too much to ask for one person to fulfil everything in life - best friend, soul mate, lover, shared interests, great parent. My friends relationships just have different compromises and we are happier than lots of couples I know. I guess you are just conditioned to want everything.

I am extremely happy to be with a dh who doesn't want deep meaning debates/arguments. He's passionate about lots of things but none of them interest me. And visa versa. We have banal conversations about our day. And we laugh a lot. Bliss. I have friends where every conversation we have is deep and important. It's exhausting. Lol.

Sounds familiar Thingsdogetbetter we always laugh that our biggest argument was about hanging curtains in our first flat. We're both introverts so talking non-stop would exhaust both of us. We're well suited in a lot of ways it just feels odd that we've been together for 15 years but I don't know how he genuinely feels (rather than agreeing with me or not saying anything in case he upsets me) about the big stuff. But I think walkacrossthesand is probably right in that he's just not that reflective. I wish I thought less sometimes. Really helpful perspective.

My DH is like this. After 10 years together, he turned around and said he is unhappy because he said yes to too many things he wanted to say no to. I just always thought he genuinely didn’t care, because he’s so not passionate about anything. So it backfired in my case. He also always made sure to tell me I’m his best “female” friend.

Mine is the same. ASD. Can chat all day about what he did at work or the dog, but there's no depth or emotion to anything. I know he feels emotion but rarely ever voices anything affectionate or emotional. His parents live emotionless lives and it's as if he's simply never 'learned' how to be emotional or passionate about anything.

He's lovely really, but I have very firm opinions about things. I doubt he could even tell you what my favourite anything was, we just never talk.

I feel like I’ve started a bit of a depressing thread, although it’s making me feel a lot better that it’s not just me . That must be really upsetting itsadventuretime. That’s a little bit what concerns me really that what is going on inside is not really congruent with what I see. It’s frustrating though when you keep asking for a view and you don’t get one or he agrees with whatever I say even when I change my mind! Have you just accepted that this is how things are zaphodsotherhead because it’s outweighed by the good stuff?

Oddly, weg, knowing he's ASD makes it easier. I know he can't help it, and he genuinely doesn't understand that other people are different. He's great to go out with and experience stuff with though, because his retentive memory means he never forgets what we've done. And we can have a laugh.

Although the lack of any physical affection may well put the tin hat on it eventually, the fact we don't live together makes it an awful lot easier to cope with him.

We're a bit like this, easy going, not too deep, rarely argue. For example we're just about to start moving house and we're making the decisions fairly easily as we both agree without much argument.

I like it, we don't seem to have the massive highs, lows and well, drama of other people. We've been together 18 years and married 8 with 2 x DC's. I have lots of friends for passionate debate about politics or whatever but I love my nice simple home life.

There’s definitely something in that Sparkly. I had lots of drama with my ex whereas DH is so much more straightforward and easy to be with. He does tell me he loves me a lot and is very affectionate. This is the only niggle. It’s just nice to be able to air it as I would feel like I was being disloyal if I told anyone in real life.

I'm like your OH, OP. Maybe he doesn't feel that he has an opinion worth stating. I feel like that most of the time, but that's why I rarely talk to DH about anything other than the every day stuff. And it isn't down to DH, as he always encourages me to be open and honest. I find it incredibly hard to talk to other people in case I inadvertently say something to offend them.

It comes down to my childhood, where I was constantly told to be quiet, and when I did state an opinion, it wasn't what my mum wanted to hear, so the look on her face after being honest (as was asked by her), I made sure I simply talked about the weather or day to day things.

I'm an anxious person, so I'd much rather be called boring for talking about the weather, rather than talk about something I know little or nothing about, and be called stupid or uneducated. I mean, you never know what topic would crop up anyway (unless pre-planned), so I'd rather listen than talk TBH.

Thanks for sharing that Scruffbags I think he is like this as he I know he worries about saying the wrong thing. I can be like this with people I don’t know too but I’m more relaxed with him and a few close friends.

My ex was rather like this, perhaps also as his parents were well-meaning but overbearing; they honestly believed that their way was the right one (after all, it worked for them!) so anything else was nonsense. My ex was always quite in awe to strong-minded people and tended to think they must really be right, so didn't enter into discussion as a) it was pointless with them and b) he agreed with them.

I'm not sure it was a coincidence that it was after his mum died that he, too, decided that I'd "made" him do a lot of stuff he didn't want to, like marry me and have children, and he was going to have his own way now in the form of an affair. What had actually happened was that I'd suggest something and he'd just agree. He might well have been thinking something else secretly but I honestly had no idea if he really was unhappy.

I'm also guilty of not wanting to look stupid, but because my ex was so easy-going I was actually OK with giving him my opinion. Now I have a more opinionated bf and I really have to make an effort and actively remember to say something if I am uncomfortable. I really annoy myself!

ravenmum were we married to the same dude

I have ASD and I'm all about the deep stuff, because that - including emotions and emotional subjects - is brain-food, for me; it gives me that nerdy buzz.

I don't want or expect those kinds of chats all the time; I'd find that as exhausting as anyone else would, for all it would be exhaustion from doing something I enjoy. But I do want/need them often enough that I know whether someone's on the same page as I am.

And I doubt I could be with someone who didn't understand the attraction of those kinds of thoughts or conversations; I don't like feeling like a partner doesn't "get" me, which is why I look for as many shared interests as possible. But deep subjects are an overarching interest; they're part of how I'm interested in everything else, so I doubt I could do without them with a partner.

But my problem with partners who don't discuss things like that is mostly what pps are saying. About not knowing whether someone does genuinely want the same thing as you do, or whether they're just going along with it.

I was burned by that again, recently. Luckily I've got to the point with it now where I look for the signs, so I spotted them early enough that I wasn't heartbroken.

The frustrating thing about it was that the guy genuinely thought that he was being nice by being that way. That the fact that I was the one questioning how things stood meant that I was the one being difficult.

If you don't really want someone, and are just going along with something - even when they clearly care a lot about you also wanting them and make sure to check in with you to make sure you're ok with everything - then you're not nice, you're an arsehole.

I'm very confident and can be bordering on overbearing, so I check in with people frequently, especially in the early days. But the kind of person who avoids conversations about feelings and opinions tends to see any enquiry as to their feelings as me pressuring them anyway, rather than something to take at face value, so it doesn't do much good.

Being in your position would drive me up the wall, OP. But maybe I've never met someone who is genuinely fine in all other respects, so I could be being biased by saying that.

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought. I suppose my fear is that he may be different under the surface to the person I think he is, and he just suppresses elements of his personality that he thinks I won’t like in my presence. I suppose I’d need to be a fly on the wall when he’s out with friends (not something he does very much) to know for sure. Really helpful to hear different views and experiences.