DH won’t talk about anything

[Theycallmepheobe]

On the surface DH and I have a great relationship. We are affectionate, have fairly regular sex and never argue. But we can’t talk about anything other than lighthearted or day to day stuff. I don’t know his opinion on anything important or philosophical and if I ask him any direct questions he just clams up. I love him but miss being with someone who I can open up to. He never asks me any questions if I start talking to him about something and doesn’t really show any interest. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but nothing changes. I think it is just how he is. We’ve been together 15 years this year and I’m depressed that it will always be like this.

Mine is never present in activities that are not “necessary”. So holidays, fun days, he’s there physically and he’s polite, but he never seems to express real joy or truly be in the moment. At home though he can’t settle and just BE. Like, sit on the sofa and just be with us. There’s always a book to move, laundry to start, a window to open etc... he does all that is necessary, but nothing extra. It’s not worth it to him. And the bed thing - so sad. I call it the loveless bed. The place that should be our sanctuary is to him the place to sleep, period. In bed, sleep, alarm rings, out. No stopping to just BE. I feel like instead of living, he is project managing our life. It’s really lonely. Unfortunately, mine has no interest in art, politics etc...

It is one of those things that gradually creeps up on you, isn't it? So you don't realise how shitty it is for ages. I'm not impressed that my ex blamed his affair on me and put me through a couple of years of shaking off the guilt, but in a way he set me free to experience something else, and his crappiness at the end stopped me from feeling bad about us splitting up. So thanks, ex!

Don't get me wrong, mine is a lovely guy. Lovely. So kind to my kids, very practical, good at sorting things. But emotionally - it's all superficial. There's no 'inner life'. I sometimes feel as though he's a bit of a robot, and when he's not doing anything he just sort of 'deactivates.' Everything is factual (he is ASD, which doesn't help), he doesn't read fiction (except what I write, and he doesn't understand much of that. Read one of my books and needed me to explain that when a character says 'I told you last week that xxxx' the he hadn't missed it, it wasn't written elsewhere in the book, just the characters had no need to have a conversation again that the'd already had. It just wasn't all written down. The 'reading between the lines' thing again.)

This is all really helpful. I get the feeling like he’s not present too. We had two weeks in Disneyworld which were amazing (and he chose to go and planned and organised!!) but it felt like he wasn’t truly there sometimes, he would be on his phone reading sports news but missing the funny things that the DC were saying and their questions. I kept trying to bring him back in, and he’d listen for a bit and then drift off again. When we talk he says he’s listening and evidences this by repeating back the last sentence I said, when all I want is to hear his view, for him to ask questions or share his own similar/related story. He is trying though. I wrote a few things to him in an email about how I was feeling and he was a bit shaken up. He’s sorted the easy stuff, coming to bed earlier etc but the talking side of things hasn’t changed. Ultimately he’s my dcs dad and I love him so I’d never split up with him, I just feel sad about it sometimes.

Ravenmum I think he does sound a bit how your describe your dad. He’s very uncomplicated and pretty much never says a bad word about anyone. A much nicer person than me really . I do really appreciate his easygoing nature, it’s so easy to be with someone laidback where nothing is a drama. seniorita I’m sorry you feel sad. Is there anyone in rl you can talk to?

I never really connected the dots there, but with you saying about it being 'no drama' and him being 'easygoing', I've just realised.

I met my OH when I was only just out of a ltr with a man who I adored, had been completely compatible and on an intellectual level with. He'd left me under rather traumatic circumstances and I realise I was looking for someone who would uncritically love me, without any of the high-octane emotional drama.

I found him. More fool me really.

My ex of 26 years is exactly the same. Every conversation completely superficial. It became an extremely lonely life. Other people think he's great, really chatty and charming. But there's no depth to anything and he's got little interest in conversation, he basically just talks at people.

Do you feel it’s right though zaph deep down? Can you have more meaningful conversations with friends and accept that this relationship will never provide that? I think that’s where I am (just getting my head around it still) .

I've accepted that I'm not going to get everything from this relationship, weg. But the previous relationship appeared to be perfect, we had everything, communication, commitment, deep love and affection etc and it didn't work. So I'm not going to throw away a decent, kind man who would do anything for me, in search of something 'better' which might not last either.

Because I don't live with him I can get my conversations and emotional feedback from friends and others. It works at present. I'm aware I'm stifling part of myself but..well. Nobody's perfect. And sometimes the perfect ones don't hang around, so...

I've been complaining about my ex, but this thread has also reminded me of what I liked about him in the first place, and that we did have a pretty unstressful relationship for 20+ years. I wouldn't want to go back, but I was in no rush to leave either. Just discovered that the woman he left me for is "looking for a new boyfriend" (i.e. she is dumping him, just slowly!) and what I'd really like to do is go and have a discussion with her about whether she wants out for these reasons and whether she ever felt she got through to him. Today I suggested he and I could go out for a drink some time. Maybe if I get him tipsy I might get something out of him!

This thread has really hit home with me and helped me articulate my feelings of dissatisfaction.

I can identify with what PookieDo wrote: The lack of drama is very appealing and attractive and but when I needed more from him it wasn’t there.

I don't feel I really know him even after 30 years. We never argue as our discussions are calm and logical. I feel there is just no passion or depth to the relationship. Yet in other ways things are fine. I have absolutely no idea what, if anything, to do about it.