DH won’t talk about anything

[Theycallmepheobe]

On the surface DH and I have a great relationship. We are affectionate, have fairly regular sex and never argue. But we can’t talk about anything other than lighthearted or day to day stuff. I don’t know his opinion on anything important or philosophical and if I ask him any direct questions he just clams up. I love him but miss being with someone who I can open up to. He never asks me any questions if I start talking to him about something and doesn’t really show any interest. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but nothing changes. I think it is just how he is. We’ve been together 15 years this year and I’m depressed that it will always be like this.

Ravensmum I had that husband too! Ex thankfully. His dad died and it started going wrong. He fell off a cliff when his mum died.
Lots of ASD throughout their family.

He never gave an opinion. He also never booked anything. Not even a taxi let alone a meal out, a holiday, a surprise. He came up with NO names at all when naming our DC. He was incapable of making decisions.

I actually didn't notice this when we were young. We rubbed along well, laughing and not arguing. We were a relatively good team.
I've since learnt I'm a doormat and he used me terribly. I did everything at home, I made all the decisions and frankly it was exhausting and it made me anxious after 15 years.

When he had an affair and left, he blamed me for everything. That I was a control freak.

So glad to be rid of him. My life is so much better, easier, free. When I need to make decisions I make them without endlessly going round in circles because he wouldn't express an opinion.

It did use to feel like wading through a swamp trying to buy a piece of furniture or book a holiday. I think these days, if someone was making it that hard I would assume they didn't want to do it. In the past I just saw it as my ex being all vague again.

When he started making these accusations twenty years on about me "making him do" stuff, I looked back over our life and felt guilty because indeed, our children have names I came up with, I found the house we bought, chose the wallpaper, carpets and sofa, and it looks like I'm a nasty pushy bitch. But he simply did not show any interest in any of these things, or express any opinions.

If I ever try to guess what he might be thinking - e.g. ask him "You don't like X, do you?" - one of his favourite comments is that he "would never say anything like that". Not that he would never think like that. He would just never say it. I only realised what this meant after his affair.

Sorry, wegweiser, this makes it sound like I think you are doomed , but I don't think "they are all like that". Your partner sounds more like my easy-going dad, who's been told he probably has Asperger's. He's honestly happy with an uncomplicated life and I can't imagine him ever harbouring a grudge; it is against his nature.

If you think you would end up depressed from only ever being in a shallow relationship, maybe your dh could do with a partner who would love to be in a relationship with someone undemanding? He might get more out of it, too.

It did use to feel like wading through a swamp trying to buy a piece of furniture or book a holiday. I think these days, if someone was making it that hard I would assume they didn't want to do it. In the past I just saw it as my ex being all vague again.

When he started making these accusations twenty years on about me "making him do" stuff, I looked back over our life and felt guilty because indeed, our children have names I came up with, I found the house we bought, chose the wallpaper, carpets and sofa, and it looks like I'm a nasty pushy bitch. But he simply did not show any interest in any of these things, or express any opinions.

If I ever try to guess what he might be thinking - e.g. ask him "You don't like X, do you?" - one of his favourite comments is that he "would never say anything like that". Not that he would never think like that. He would just never say it. I only realised what this meant after his affair.

Sorry, wegweiser, this makes it sound like I think you are doomed , but I don't think "they are all like that". Your partner sounds more like my easy-going dad, who's been told he probably has Asperger's. He's honestly happy with an uncomplicated life and I can't imagine him ever harbouring a grudge; it is against his nature.

If you think you would end up depressed from only ever being in a shallow relationship, maybe your dh could do with a partner who would love to be in a relationship with someone undemanding? He might get more out of it, too.

I split up with a partner over similar to this because it just made me feel so awful, I began to be paranoid about him having zero feelings - or feelings for his ex - or feelings he would not tell me about. I think it was more about me needing more than him being who he is. It was really when we became challenged by something negative that this ever became an issue and then then it snowballed. I just needed some reassurance. In my case I felt it was cruel and controlling and that I meant nothing. Maybe I did, his actions were lovely but no words - no deep and meaningful and no arguments

So I do kind of get where you are coming from. It felt slightly empty and off, like it was all a little too perfect but shallow. That could wasn’t showing me his real personality

DH is like this. Over the last few years (been together 25) I’ve realised its passivity caused by his bullying father. Previously I thought he wanted what I wanted but I’ve realised he’s just a drifter who latched onto me, it makes me very sad in some ways - I wasn’t chosen, I am not special, I was just there and convenient and I have always been highly motivated and an instigator. He did propose, with a ring, but he then quit his job 3 weeks later so I think it was out of panic.
We are incredibly happy on the surface, and I have 2 fantastic dc who are amazing. Dh is very tall, strong and good looking and they both inherited his best traits, they are active and motivated like me and achieve well at school and in sports etc. He is a great dad, he works extremely hard at home - diy, cleaning, garden etc. He also supports me with my hobbies and has taken some of these on as well.
He is sometimes incredibly grumpy and claims to not have time to do ‘what he wants’ but when I ask him what he wants he doesn’t know and just gets cross. He seems confused sometimes, like ‘how did I get here?’ Kind of thing. It happens on holidays etc and he often seems shocked when I point things out - places we’ve been on holiday or whatever.

It’s an odd one. He is considered catch of the century by all my friends but he is incredibly hard work. He doesn’t have any friends anymore because even thou he is popular and funny - he will not reply to texts/emails etc. Any discussion regarding news/politics etc just draws ‘I don’t know’ ‘I haven’t thought about that’ and his initial response is always ‘I don’t know’
I am exhausted but I do love him, I feel at a bit of a cross roads thou because I have a low boredom level and can see i will get restless when dc leave home. I can’t sit on the sofa in silence for 20 years can I?

I have a slightly different issue in that my DH is quite different to me politically - there are some topics that are off-limits between us because they do tend to cause rows.

So there is a lot of stuff that is important to me that I cannot talk about with him. On the other hand, he is a very driven, very alpha man and that tension, that difference means that there is that spark and interest.

As I get older I am less black and white about the world and also value the ways in which he is different to me - I have been with him a long time and would probably be living in a state of idealistic poverty without his influence!

The easy-going part can be very attractive, can't it? My ex is also good-looking and tall with a big smile and was seen by others as a catch. But over time it did start to feel like he wasn't really fully present, or had a chunk of personality missing. He also tends to do things with his partner's friends rather than having his own.

He wouldn't/couldn't read between the lines. As an extreme example, a friend once told us a story about how he had driven at 100mph through the city, and that the police escorted him to his girlfriend's house. He didn't say why, and I thought he was trying to be discreet so didn't say anything. Afterwards I commented to my ex that she must have made a suicide threat, but he pooh-poohed the idea. I asked him what he had thought was happening as we listened to the story, then, but he just said he didn't know. This happened often: if I ever read between the lines he acted as if he thought I was making things up. (He would never have said that though, of course!)

Since we split up I've had a couple of bfs; neither Mr Perfect, but both have this missing chunk of personality. I'd almost started to think that men just thought differently. But not, not all men.

My ex husband was like this. We were together for 20 years. We split up 4 years ago as I couldn't take any more. I know think he had Aspergers. I'm now with someone the complete opposite. It's great. I really feel for you because you must feel very lonely in your marriage. I know I did.

The lack of drama is very appealing and attractive when you have come from a history of chaos. I found it very soothing and relaxing not to have to worry about anything. But when I needed more from him it wasn’t there

This thread is just what I need with my current partner though, to remind me not to just go along with his ideas now I'm with someone who's more opinionated. I'm pretty certain he does not want to live in an echo chamber - and I wouldn't even be that bothered if we broke up, so really have no incentive to try to keep him "happy" by agreeing with him. I'll have to make a deliberate attempt to instigate an argument tonight :)

But over time it did start to feel like he wasn't really fully present, or had a chunk of personality missing.

This is so true and hurtful. And to be accused now that I’ve bullied him into things simply because he never cared enough to say “no” or have an opinion - kind of unfair.

My exH was like this, he never wanted to talk about anything, unless it was about him and his ‘golden days’. I got fed up trying and made lots of good friends, did stuff and debated with them.

I am now in a relationship with someone like me. I love the bones of him partially because of this. We like a good ‘gossip’ and we discuss anything.

OMG Ravenmum, that's my partner! I never thought about it before, but he doesn't 'read between the lines' either! In fact, he doesn't read, full stop...

I'm an author. When we first met he confessed he'd read one of my books (having not read since school). He really could not comprehend how I could write about, say, a gay man, or an elderly woman or someone with views different to my own. He literally COULD NOT COMPREHEND understanding someone else's feelings, even if they weren't anything to do with me.

I now understand that it's not a lack of empathy it's a total lack of any imagination at all, in his case. We'd once had quite an in depth (for him) conversation about something relating to emotions and I asked him, in the resulting silence, what he was thinking now. He told me he was wondering if his next car should have an automatic gearbox, or be a manual. It's like there's absolutely no depth at all...

This man has clearly got around :)

I can't really complain about a lack of empathy on his part, though, when I still find it really difficult to work out what goes on in his head!
Our son had counselling (lovely, insightful male counsellor!) after we split up and wanted to talk to the two of us afterwards. I was amazed that my ex was able to talk to him about what he thought our son might have experienced. Maybe he just didn't like talking to me about his opinions, maybe he has learned something over the past few years, I don't know, but there's hope for him yet if he does manage to have an honest relationship with someone.

I think this is fine if you are both ok with only light conversation, but it sounds like you aren't. Personally, this would drive me mad. I enjoy lots of discussion about issues that are important to me etc. DH does too, but not to the same extent as me which I do sometimes find frustrating, and he isn't very good at discussing emotions, although he is getting better, which I think can lead to a build-up in resentment. Several of the couples I know who divorced did so because they bottled things up instead of discussing them and became resentful. It's difficult though, because some people can be resentful about being "made" to talk.

Do any of these men who don't talk also do the thing of getting in to bed and falling straight asleep?

Mine does and it annoys the hell out of me. It's like he has no 'inner life', nothing to mull over at the end of the day. It's just lights out, eyes closed and snoring, when it takes me ages to get off because things keep popping in to my head.

And Raven, I know mine has emotions and feelings but it's like he dismisses them. So, if asked by a counsellor, he could come up with something, but it's almost 'not worth thinking about'.

Wow that man does get around - DH also tall and good looking and definitely recognise the inability to fill in the blanks - he could never pick up on tension when his family got together etc And he goes to sleep really quickly. Just off for a day out with DC but will reflect and read your posts properly later. Thanks all.

When we were in the process of breaking up he couldn't understand why I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with him, when I couldn't sleep for hours on end and yes, he'd get in and start snoring. I can understand if people are not natural worriers, but honestly, sometimes you should find it hard to drop off!

I guess that he was prepared to talk to the counsellor as it was something official; he was being asked by someone in charge, with authority, so was persuaded that those were valid questions to ask. Whereas when I asked about emotions it was just me. He's definitely not unemotional; he's actually quite proud of and goes on about the fact that he easily sheds a tear when someone is getting married or whatever. (That's seen as a good thing in his family.)

Mine didn’t like or want stress. So instead of learning how to manage it and de-escalate it when it began, he would just ever avoid discussing it. IT ended his marriage and it ended us

He would try to please everyone and end up pleasing no one

I have also had a thread about my DH getting in bed and immediately falling asleep and snoring for as long as it is until one of us wakes him - he'll sleep for 10-12 hours no problem. And the fucking snoring.

Thanks for starting this thread I'm find it incredibly helpful.

I have been feeling very alone and worrying it is me.

In my case this unwillingness of his to examine life too closely also meant that my needs would get "forgotten" quite a lot. I'd be left walking home in the dark with the kids without him worrying about us, because his workmates asked him to do something, or waiting outside a museum with the kids as he needed another couple of hours to appreciate the exhibition properly. People congratulating him on his birthday would not be told that this week it was my birthday. If he had thought about it, he'd have realised this might not be very nice for me, but he didn't think about it. When I pointed out that it wasn't nice for me he'd say he couldn't help it or didn't know. He never apologised because he hadn't done it on purpose. It's hard to argue with that.

I did ponder about us breaking up when the kids were older, but I thought I couldn't complain or do anything about this for the same reason: he didn't mean it. And I'd chosen to marry him. And everyone has their faults, including me. And he was a good person at heart. And he wasn't positively unpleasant. If he hadn't had the affair I'm not sure how long I would have stayed. Maybe forever. I'd have been missing out on something, though.

Mine will watch me struggle around the supermarket carrying a heavy basket and not think to offer to help. I have to ask him, whereupon, of course, he will take it but it's an odd attitude.

I think he literally cannot imagine being anyone other than himself. So if an event occurs that he can imagine happening to him (he was very upset with me and comforted me when my old dog was pts) he's fine, but if he can't imagine it (my mum died recently and he was very baffled until I came over ultra-practical) he can't empathise.

He had a dog who was frail at the time mine was pts (his was pts later that year) but his mum is still hale and hearty in good health.

It's a lack of emotional intelligence and self awareness, ultimately.

Whilst these can be taught and developed, it's hard work. Trying to get someone to see they need to develop something they don't even know or see exists is a big challenge.

With dh it is a completely passive engagement with everything in life.

The most startling example of it for me was when we had visited Budapest and as we were leaving he said ‘Prague is so beautiful, I’m so glad we came’ and I pointed out he thought we were in the wrong city and he just laughed it off. He actually didn’t know where we were. How can anyone do that?

He also loses track of time in museums/in the garden etc.

I didn’t realise it was such a big problem.

When we met I was desperate to escape a dysfunctional upbringing and had plans, I was going places - he made himself useful and hung around looking sexy, more fool me I guess. But for me it’s all worth it because dc are so much better than I could have had with anyone else.

I feel really sad. Sorry :(