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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left because of my child

62 replies

Stressandmess · 29/05/2018 21:02

Please could I have your advice. My head is spinning. Last week my OH of 2.5 years walked out. I have 2 DC , my eldest 11 year old daughter is extremely hard work . We go to behavoural therapy and now querying adhd. She is very impulsive , does not fall to sleep until 1am most nights, bounces off walls and is extremely cheeky and emotional. Last week he told her off and she answered back and called him an idiot. Ofcourse I am absolutely horrified when this happens . I am struggling so much with her behaviour and have for years .
He has said he is not coming back unless I send her to her Dads for a couple of weeks until she behaves. She sees her Dad once every third weekend due to work. I said I know hard it is but I am not giving up on her. So basically it is over. I’m not sure what I’m asking apart from , am I wrong, is he wrong , is anybody wrong? Thank you

OP posts:
boatass · 29/05/2018 21:04

I wouldn’t put up with those kids either, I’m afraid

NotARegularPenguin · 29/05/2018 21:04

He’s wrong.

Sending her away would give her an awful message.....that she’s not loved, not wanted, thatbyou prioroitise him over her. Will cause even more problems.

NotARegularPenguin · 29/05/2018 21:05

A decent man would bend over backwards to support you when the going gets tough.

Butterflykissess · 29/05/2018 21:05

It's difficult but I can understand why someone would feel they couldn't put up with it especially when it's not their own child.

TheOneWith · 29/05/2018 21:08

I couldn’t put up with that, especially if I thought it was down to ineffectual parenting.

What exactly did you do when your DD called your partner an idiot, other than feeling horrified?

amber90 · 29/05/2018 21:10

I don't think either of you is wrong. Of course, you can't give up on your daughter and shouldn't send her away but it sounds as though her behaviour puts a strain on the relationship and is maybe too much for him... I don't think I could cope if my partner had a child who was "hard work" as you describe. Maybe time for just you and your kids without him will help her.

RavenWings · 29/05/2018 21:10

I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to tolerate bad behaviour from someone else's kid.

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/05/2018 21:11

If he can't cope with your daughter then that is for him to decide, even to the point of ending the relationship. Expecting you to send her away however, even just temporarily, is just plain wrong. You and your kids are a package deal, he either embraces you all or not at all. Please don't let him force you to choose him over your daughter. He will survive without you and you without him if it comes to it. Your daughter needs you and should be your priority.

Butterflykissess · 29/05/2018 21:12

Sending her to her dad's is hardly a bad suggestion! He's a parent aswell.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 29/05/2018 21:12

My eldest was horrendous between the ages of 11 and 15. Hormones on top of a serious attitude problem and a borderline ADHD diagnosis made for a very difficult few years. My DH didn't cope very well with it, and as a result, he left the family home for nearly a year until he was able to prove he could control his frustration with her. She had to come first. As does your DD. Hang in there, and push for as much support as you are able from people who can help you. I found CAMHS great when we eventually got seen, and our GP was very understanding. Stay strong Flowers.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 29/05/2018 21:15

Obviously, it's up to him if he wants to stay or go but it's wrong of him to try and make you send your daughter away. So I agree with her that he's an idiot :wink:

Btw being called an idiot after telling off/annoying isn't as bad as it could be. Probably get more backseat in the teen years!

GingerIvy · 29/05/2018 21:15

Children have to come first in this situation. If he couldn't cope, he's best leaving and you're better off without him, IMO. Children are not always a picnic, they can be difficult and challenging and that's just the way it is. If he's not prepared to work through that, he has no business being there.

Evigglad46 · 29/05/2018 21:20

I have 14 year old teenage boy with ADHD and he is a piece of work, not respecting rules, is a lazy and smartass boy 😭 my husbond is also very tired and frustrated a lot of the time - but i would never ever give up my son.. luckily my son want to go on a sort of live in school after the summer - and is accepted and we pay a fortune- but så much as i love my son dearly, AND counting weeks for next year school start- my husbond was out the door if he asked me to chose!

Original poster
Stressandmess · 29/05/2018 21:26

Thank you all for the replies.
Just to add - I also have a 8 year old DD. Totally the opposite. I’m confident this is a medical issue , it’s just getting that diagnosis 😓
We have been seen by CAHMS , we go to behavioural therapy, family therapy and waiting on her to be seen by the medical side of things.
When she called him an idiot I sent her straight upstairs , she had her phone and computer taken off her and wasn’t allowed out for a week. I didn’t take it lightly .
I know it is extremely hard for him, I really do, especially her not being his child. I cry most days as I can’t cope but I will obviously not be giving up on her. But with him he can just give up and leave. I don’t blame him, just heartbroken and feel alone

OP posts:
NotARegularPenguin · 29/05/2018 21:29

A decent man would bend over backwards to support you when the going gets tough.

category12 · 29/05/2018 21:29

Well, if he can't cope with your dc, it's better that he goes.

You're right not to send her away - your dc come first.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 29/05/2018 21:30

He has said he is not coming back unless I send her to her Dads for a couple of weeks until she behaves.

Well then you’ve had a lucky escape. He’s done you a favour. He doesn’t understand how chidlren and families work if he thinks you can just send her away. Be glad he has gone and focus on your DD. You can’t focus on her if you’re under pressure from someone else to “make her behave”. You’re better off without him. Your DD certainly is.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2018 21:30

Look, not everyone is cut out to a be a step parent. Your focus has to be on your kids first. Let him go.

HostaFireAndIce · 29/05/2018 21:31

I don't think either of you is wrong. If he doesn't feel able to cope with your child, then that's sad for both of you, but it's better that he admit it and walk away. He is allowed to do that.

applesandpears56 · 29/05/2018 21:37

The whole situation sounds very stressful
No one is wrong -he’s obviously struggling too.
Stick by your guns though - ignore him and focus on your dd. If he’s a good one he’ll come back and apologise/help.
FWIW - a weeks punishment for calling someone an idiot sounds quite strong to me

toolazytothinkofausername · 29/05/2018 21:37

He only came into the picture when your DD was 8½ years old. 2½ years isn't that much time to build a bond/relationship. Perhaps he tried his best but just couldn't do it. I have children with SEN, and only do it as I have a strong bond between us.

Notcontent · 29/05/2018 21:40

He couldn’t take it but you have done nothing wrong. Some kids are just hard but they need to come first. I speak as the mother of an 11 year old who is lovely but can be very rude.

ByeMF · 29/05/2018 21:53

I honestly can't believe some of the responses - god help the respondents during the teenage years! Your DD must always come first. Her behaviour might be challenging but it's not like she's choosing to be that way. You are her parent - it's not his place to say she should be sent away just because he can't behave like a grown up.
On a side note, has she been prescribed melatonin to aid sleep?

SandyY2K · 29/05/2018 21:57

Neither of you are wrong. I understand he can't cope with it and I understand that you can't just send her to get dads.

Does she behave badly with her dad? Is her dad stricter with her?Does she misbehave in school?

I don't agree that you've had a lucky escape. He's had enough and that's okay.

A relationship with a partners children can be challenging.

DoctorTwo · 29/05/2018 22:05

Well then you’ve had a lucky escape. He’s done you a favour.

He sure has. Your DD needs all the support she can get and he's showing none.