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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left because of my child

62 replies

Stressandmess · 29/05/2018 21:02

Please could I have your advice. My head is spinning. Last week my OH of 2.5 years walked out. I have 2 DC , my eldest 11 year old daughter is extremely hard work . We go to behavoural therapy and now querying adhd. She is very impulsive , does not fall to sleep until 1am most nights, bounces off walls and is extremely cheeky and emotional. Last week he told her off and she answered back and called him an idiot. Ofcourse I am absolutely horrified when this happens . I am struggling so much with her behaviour and have for years .
He has said he is not coming back unless I send her to her Dads for a couple of weeks until she behaves. She sees her Dad once every third weekend due to work. I said I know hard it is but I am not giving up on her. So basically it is over. I’m not sure what I’m asking apart from , am I wrong, is he wrong , is anybody wrong? Thank you

OP posts:
Branleuse · 29/05/2018 22:10

your daughter comes first. Bollocks to him

Gottokondo · 29/05/2018 22:22

He can break up with you for any reason that he wants to.

Don't send your daughter away or try to mend this. It's over. Sorry for that. Thanks take care of yourself.

Shambu · 29/05/2018 22:50

He's not in it for the long haul with a difficult kid. It's better to know asap.

Thinking that sending her to her dad for a couple of weeks will change her behaviour shows he fundamentally does not get it.

Sally2791 · 29/05/2018 22:57

Your children always come first. They say /do far worse things than that! And he's better off out of all your lives if he can't cope with what teens do.

ferando81 · 29/05/2018 22:59

Very interesting programme on BBC about potential treatment for ADHD involving meditation believe it or not .A doctor who thinks we all use too much medication looked at a different way of treating ADHD .It will be on BBC I player

Shambu · 29/05/2018 23:03

Oo could you give a link or the programmes title ferando? Be really useful.

Nellia · 29/05/2018 23:13

I watched it very interesting it was mindfullness. They also do courses for parents with difficult children.

Op what would sending her to her dad do at this stage besides send a message that you dont want her and her comming back angry and confused because it was being used as a punishment for an incident shes forgotten about by now.
Sounds like he needs a parenting lesson himself and quite an overreaction to the use of the word idiot.

soapboxqueen · 29/05/2018 23:30

Parenting a child with additional needs can be very challenging. It's OK to feel like you've had enough.

However, anyone who told me to send my child away wouldn't be around for very long.

Anyone who told me to send them to there dad to sort out would be told to fuck off.

Things are difficult enough without wondering if your partner is going to opt in or out.

RedDwarves · 29/05/2018 23:36

Not sure why everyone is slating him. This isn't his child and she doesn't have to come first for him. There's nothing wrong with him say, "Nah, not for me".

applesandpears56 · 29/05/2018 23:44

Or perhaps even that he can’t cope too?
Men are allowed to find it all a bit much too sometimes.
It’s the last stalwart of sexism - men can never be weak or struggle
He probably knows he’s done the wrong thing but is at his wits end

Cherryberrypie · 30/05/2018 00:12

If it was his child who was making you cry every day, would you stay?

I know I wouldn’t put myself through it. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, but I wouldn’t be too harsh on your DP for bailing out.

He stayed for 2.5 years so he obviously gave it a go.

MsDugong · 30/05/2018 00:15

He is behaving like a dickhead. If he wants to walk when parenting gets tough, then he shouldn't have committed to a life with children. He is a spectacular dickhead for expecting that any mother should put him before her child. He is also incredibly childish to have reacted so badly to being called an "idiot". Many children without ADHD say far, far worse to their parents (they shouldn't and they need to be disciplined for it, obviously, but it's part and parcel of life in many households). I appreciate this could have been the incident that acted as the final straw for him but it doesn't make him any more reasonable.

Put your daughter first. If he wants out of the relationship, so be it. But make sure your daughter knows that is due to his issues, not hers. She shouldn't be made to feel responsible for an adult's choices.

Iflyaway · 30/05/2018 00:24

On a side note, has she been prescribed melatonin to aid sleep?

I have a friend who worked as a night nurse (single mum, rented out a spare bedroom to student women so she could work) who took melatonin and stopped it because it made her feel "psychotic".

Maybe put your child before "the man" OP?

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I am a single mum and NEVER put a relationship above my child's best interests.

dirtybadger · 30/05/2018 00:50

Melatonin is initiated under a consultant (although assuming you know that as you know what it is so guessing your child takes it?), so if Op hasnt even seen anyone medically yet then seems unlikely DD takes any meds.

OP you haven't done anything wrong. To be honest I dont think what she did was even that bad remembering my own behaviour and friends, school friends, and now the children I work it. Most of whom wouldn't fit any diagnostic criteria. He obviously isnt cut out for this.

If it was me, and everything else was perfect, then I would continue with a more casual relationship. Not living together and just seeing each other a couple nights a week. But that might not be what either of you want long term. His general attitude (sending her away) would be a bit of a deal breaker, though.

I hope you get the help you need.

Cricrichan · 30/05/2018 00:51

Neither of you are wrong. You are a mum so for you your children will and should always come first.

It's hard enough to put up with some teenager's behaviour when they're your own flesh and blood and you love them more than anything else, I can't imagine how hard it must be for those who aren't related!

Maybe living apart but still having a relationship with him could be a solution?

CheeseyToast · 30/05/2018 01:05

I'm sorry because it's hard with SN kids, omg I know this. It's probably no consolation but my husband left bc of our own SN child. Some parents just aren't up to scratch.

Stick with all you're doing and wave goodbye to your partner.

And tbh if calling him an idiot was the crime in question, you all need to buckle up for the teenage years. I get a lot worse than that from my 15yo (who everyone else thinks is the sweetest girl in the world)
I actually think the punishment was too harsh.

Charolais · 30/05/2018 01:52

I don’t blame him at all.

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 30/05/2018 04:26

An idiot!! At 11 years old!! He is totally over-reacting. It is disrespectful to be rude like that, but I bet there is a reason why she called him an idiot!! AND look what he has done now showing she was, in fact, very perceptive!

I spend much of my time saying that ADHD has its positives, but it is bloody hard to live with. However, few people realise how the inability to filter what they say is very difficult for kids to cope with. He has effectively moved out of your relationship because she said something to him that her brain was not able to stop her saying.

You have done the right thing by prioritising your child. If this man is going to be part of your children’s teenage years he will need to toughen up a bit!!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 30/05/2018 04:40

OP, I do think you've gone a bit ott with your punishment

Devilishpyjamas · 30/05/2018 05:14

Of he can’t cope with being called an idiot, then he’s best off out of there before the teen years hit.

I have a son with severely challenging behaviour (he is severely disabled - before people start squawking about parenting - requires 24 hour 2:1). DH and I are together and he hasn’t ever threatened our marriage - we work together. We have friends with similar kids (a number of friends) including some who are single parents - or some who spent time as single parents before finding wonderful men. I had always assumed if anything happened to dh I would be always alone because it would be impossible to juggle ds1’s needs with a relationship with someone unrelated to him. But lots of my friends have proved me wrong. They have new partners/husbands who are providing fantastic hands on support in hugely challenging circumstances, with little sleep and very difficult behaviour (both physically and in other ways, such as personal care and house being trashed etc) as well as providing support in dealing with the system.

So those men do exist. But your current chap clearly isn’t one of them. Your dd has to come first. Good luck getting appropriate support for her.

Devilishpyjamas · 30/05/2018 05:18

Oh and in quite a few cases the step dads are a lot more use & support than the actual fathers.

Sorts out the wolves from the sheep Wink Or something like that.

Seriousquestion09 · 30/05/2018 06:07

These responses are mind boggling! Of course your child comes first but not for him if you are not related... anyone who puts of with the challenging children of a partner is a Saint even if it was only for two years! There are just too many baggage free people out there he has clearly seen the light

scrumples · 30/05/2018 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 30/05/2018 06:25

I think your punishment was a bit harsh too.

Urbanbeetler · 30/05/2018 06:36

I would be worried about this idea that dads can sort out issues in two weeks - would he see himself in that role in the future? How does he propose her dad treats her to sort out her issues in 2 weeks?

Hard though it is for you, I agree with others that he is not the right man for you at the moment.

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