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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He left because of my child

62 replies

Stressandmess · 29/05/2018 21:02

Please could I have your advice. My head is spinning. Last week my OH of 2.5 years walked out. I have 2 DC , my eldest 11 year old daughter is extremely hard work . We go to behavoural therapy and now querying adhd. She is very impulsive , does not fall to sleep until 1am most nights, bounces off walls and is extremely cheeky and emotional. Last week he told her off and she answered back and called him an idiot. Ofcourse I am absolutely horrified when this happens . I am struggling so much with her behaviour and have for years .
He has said he is not coming back unless I send her to her Dads for a couple of weeks until she behaves. She sees her Dad once every third weekend due to work. I said I know hard it is but I am not giving up on her. So basically it is over. I’m not sure what I’m asking apart from , am I wrong, is he wrong , is anybody wrong? Thank you

OP posts:

Olddear · 30/05/2018 06:43

The bottom line is, he doesn't have to put up with it, he can walk away. Maybe being called an idiot was just the last straw. You admit in your OP you struggle with her, and there must be times, I imagine, where you wish you could put your coat on and leave it all behind but you don't have that luxury. I don't blame him tbh, it sound awful

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/05/2018 07:09

A decent man would bend over backwards to support you when the going gets tough.

A decent man also has the right to at least aspire to be in a happy relationship where he is supported too. It’s not a one way street. Sounds like he has been trying to bend over backwards for a couple of years and maybe the daily battles have taken their toll?

CosmicCanary · 30/05/2018 07:20

If he does not want to be in a relationship with you then he is not wrong for leaving.

He is wrong to blackmail you He has said he is not coming back unless I send her to her Dads for a couple of weeks until she behaves.

Your child is 11 yo and must come first. It is very sad that your relationship has ended but your parental responsibilities come first.

ShatnersWig · 30/05/2018 08:05

A question that was asked and went unanswered is "how does she behave at her Dad's?" and I think this is a fair question.

Do you and your ex have different parenting styles? Are you a lot more lax in discipline? If, for example, your current partner is aware that you're a soft touch because of your child's potential issues and your child plays up to this, but that at your dad's she does behave better, then I could quite see why he might make that suggestion.

Regardless, your partner is not in the wrong to decide this relationship is not for him for whatever reason. While you rightly put your child first, you also need to have his back too if she has been continually cheeky and rude to him. It's wrong for people to slate him.

applesandpears56 · 30/05/2018 09:10

Yes would echo other posters - lots of marriages break down from sn kids even when it’s biological children involved

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2018 14:06

What Shatners said.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2018 14:12

Neither of you are wrong.
Unfortunately, truth is, they are not his children.
And if he doesn't like their behaviour then he is more than entitled to walk away.
What is wrong is telling you to send her to her dads.
You did nothing wrong either - Always put your DC first!!!
You are doing your best right now.
Do not give up on her. That will send totally the wrong message.
Accept that this relationship is over and move forward putting all your energies into your DC.

rainingcatsanddog · 30/05/2018 14:19

Neither of you are wrong. 2.5 years is a decent attempt and of course you will prioritise your dd.

Adora10 · 30/05/2018 16:52

Doesn't make him a bad person or not decent, makes him human, you've only known him 2.5 years; she's 11 she it's probably came as quite a shock to see her behaviour; I couldn't and wouldn't want to live in that environment, esp if it wasn't my child, sorry but that's just how it goes.

Can you not just date each other without living together, I hope she gets help, she does sound reckless and hard work, you need help and support; sorry again but honestly, not many folk would be able to feel happy in that kind of environment.

Aroundtheworldandback · 30/05/2018 20:25

My son at 15 was actually hitting my dh (his stepdad) when he turned off the wifi to stop ds gaming. It didn’t occur to him to walk away. We dealt with it together and they’re now best buddies.

HarmlessChap · 31/05/2018 09:42

It doesn't sound like her dad is currently shouldering a fair share of the parenting, having her father step up and give you both a couple of weeks respite from the daily battles doesn't seem an unreasonable suggestion to me.

TacoLover · 31/05/2018 09:47

If the situation was reversed everyone on here would probably be telling you to LTB, so....

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