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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really not coping help

55 replies

unmumsyma · 28/05/2018 21:19

Dp of 7 years has left me
It’s been 2 months I’ve now learned that he’s met someone else, she’s met the family etc I just feel so alone our son is 3 I can’t cope he doesn’t even seem to be sad he’s doing all these wonderful things for this woman and it’s killing me he’s moved on so fast I thought he was going to come home. He told me today he felt relieved when he left as it was over in his head for a long time.
Will I ever feel better ?,

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 28/05/2018 21:23

I'm sorry, that sounds very hurtful. Do you have close friends and family around you to support you?

yawning801 · 28/05/2018 21:24

Handhold OP. Can you call a friend?

FWBcomplexity · 28/05/2018 21:26

I'm so sorry to hear that. What a shit. Have you felt any anger yet?

DianaT1969 · 28/05/2018 21:33

One day you are going to feel fine.
She, on the other hand, will never be able to trust him because he was a deceitful cheat. She'll know all his cover ups and white lies. She'll be on the look out for her replacement. As a deceitful, selfish couple, they deserve each other.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It will get better. Try to have an intermediary for handover days for when he sees your child. You need to go completely no contact.
Hugs to you Thanks

Original poster
unmumsyma · 28/05/2018 21:35

He’s saying they met AFTER. We broke up which I’m finding very had to believe considering he stays at her house twice a week and has briefly met her children

OP posts:
mrsshelby44 · 28/05/2018 21:48

He was cheating more than likely, sorry.

My heart breaks for you I can feel your sadness I have been there before and it physical hurts your heart and soul. 18 months it took me to get over my ex we was only together for 2 years and no kids so can only imagine the hurt you're going through.

It's going to hurt and you'll feel shit but one day you'll get into bed and realise you didn't think about him at all, all day. And one day you'll wake up and things will just feel better. I can't say when for you but I promise you it will happen so stay strong for your son if not yourself and remember this too shall pass.

❤️

toffeeapple123 · 28/05/2018 21:50

I promise you, you will feel better, and you will feel RELIEVED and see this was a blessing in disguise!

Original poster
unmumsyma · 28/05/2018 22:17

I just want to know the truth. Maybe I will get angry then if he was seeing her behind
My back. I just feel like there’s no hope we’ve had breaks before and he’s gone to stay with family.. but he always came home 😢

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 28/05/2018 23:53

He sounds very fickle.

Stay strong, OP. You will get through this.

Jonbb · 28/05/2018 23:56

It does get better, but knowing the truth won't help. Let it go.

eve34 · 29/05/2018 07:22

It takes time. You need to grieve for your relationship and the future you thought you had.
Lean on people. Friends and family. Get a support network around you. Seek professional help if you think you need it.

Time to show him you are in control even if you don't feel it. Get legal advice if appropriate. Single person discount on your council tax. Talk maintenance and contact. As much as it will break your heart be strong he has to parent too and not just cherry pick the days and times he wants. Get a routine in place and you all know where you stand.

There isn't a hurt worse than this I know. And the bottom line is it isn't relevant if he was cheating or not. He has betrayed you. Be kind to yourself and keep contact about dc only. Pack his stuff show him you mean business. He isn't the person you thought he was. And in time it will hurt less.

Original poster
unmumsyma · 29/05/2018 09:09

I have been signed off work for two weeks I had a massive panic attack in work, I have anxiety issues and this is one of his reasons for leaving. He told me he can’t handle it I just feel like the last 7 years meant nothing and I can’t see myself ever feeling better 😢

OP posts:
eve34 · 29/05/2018 09:51

Your whole world has been turned upside down. I do understand. You take all the time you need. It is a shock and you have to go through the grieving process. Just take it day by day or hour by hour. Eat when you can. You will get past this I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

Changingoftheguard · 29/05/2018 10:02

I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing and it hurts like hell. There's no one else yet apparently but i feel deep down it's only a matter of time and of course they will have "just met".

I'm emotionally and mentally preparing myself for it and I'm trying to think that if he can move on so quick without trying and knowing the pain and hurt it's causing then he really isn't the person I thought he was and if he doesn't love me then he doesn't love me there's nothing I can do.

I know it's absolutely heart breaking and gut wrenching, it takes over your body and mind but we will get there it won't always be like that and remember that he has to also live with the fact that eventually and I know the thought probably makes you sick to your stomach right now but eventually there will be another man involved in your life.

It will get better it has to, stay strong

RainySeptember · 29/05/2018 10:08

I haven't got anything useful to add op, just another one holding your hand because I know exactly how you feel and it hurts like nothing else.

There's no magic bullet sadly, it all just takes time, with lots of distraction in the meantime.

Keep contact to a minimum, make sure he pays maintenance, avoid social media and fake it til you make it.

Original poster
unmumsyma · 29/05/2018 10:15

I’ve deleted my social media accounts- as he took her to a family party I was meant to be at the weekend- Im friendly with his sisters and just feel like like I’ve just been pushed out like I’m nothing! I’m terrified he’s going to take dc to meet her - he already lied and said it was just a bit of fun with her but now she’s meeting his family. This pain is just so intense I can’t eat or sleep or go out I just can’t cope 😩

OP posts:
fluffyrobin · 29/05/2018 10:46

He's done you a massive favour.

He is not what you thought he was and is actually shallow and wanting a life without you in it.

Your fantasy of him and reality are 2 different things so by all means grieve for the man you thought he was and for the dreams you had with him.

The reality is he's not in love with you, doesn't see a future with you, happy to cheat on you and doesn't care 2 boots about you.

You should be glad he showed his true colours leaving you free to find someone better, nicer, someone who deserves you, cares for you and loves you no matter what.

This man wasn't it. He's being kind to by moving on so that you can find someone who deserves you.

Think of him as kind and benevolent for that.

Original poster
unmumsyma · 29/05/2018 11:31

I just don’t know what to do now like I feel like an awful mum I can’t get out and do things I just cry and wonder what I’ve done wrong or what I did to deserve this I keep longing for him to want me and leave her and say it was a huge mistake. I feel like he hates me

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 29/05/2018 12:06

I remember the feeling well op but for goodness sake don't show him any of that - it'll only have the effect of repelling him further. To him, you are poised and calm and determined to move on with your very best life. You pretend you're unconcerned with his shitty new life until you are truly unconcerned with his shitty new life. It will happen, I promise. And why on earth would you want this insensitive man anyway, he sounds awful.

DianaT1969 · 29/05/2018 18:06

If you think about it, it's possible that some of your anxiety was caused by him over the years. Is that possible?
Look after yourself during this hard time with nice food, walks in the park, yoga, long baths and reading - whatever helps you to relax. Take it one day at a time. Do you have girlfriends for real-life support?

DianaT1969 · 29/05/2018 18:15

I meant to say that you should assume that he met her before. That's in my opinion. Otherwise you'll feel a 2nd kick
in the stomach in a few weeks when it all comes out.
Sorry, but how many of us leave a partner and child, set up a dating profile/organically meet a new person and progress to introducing them to the family within the space of 8 weeks? Nobody would be single if that's the speed it takes to find someone compatible to start a serious relationship with.
It might help you find your anger and dislike him more OP if you see him as a cheat. You will get through this to better times Thanks

Original poster
unmumsyma · 29/05/2018 22:28

That’s how I’m seeing it. No way could it have progressed so fast in such a short space of time and his behaviour leading up to it suggested this too. It’s all just so heartbreaking. I even stupidly pleaded with him to come back and he said no he’s happy now 😢😢😢 I can’t see the light at the end of this

OP posts:
Fuckwithnosensesauce · 30/05/2018 05:26

I too have suffered the utter devastation of this sort of betrayal. You probably don’t realise that this is a familiar story..... they felt relief, it had been over in their minds for a long time, they couldn’t cope with your anxiety/or whatever they can find to justify their behaviour, on and on it goes. I could not believe the speed at which he replaced my relationship with him with his relationship with her. Within a week he had gone from playing happy families with my family, to Sunday dinner at her family’s. He ‘forgot’ our wedding anniversary 6 weeks later because he’d been busy.

It took me ages to get over it but none of my crying, asking myself why, of blaming myself, none of it made one bit of difference to the outcome. He was still gone. Don’t look for answers- there aren’t any. You did nothing wrong. For now it is one foot in front of the other, day by day. You have your baby (we had just agreed to start ttc and I was mourning my chance of being a mother too).

I just wonder when I read your post and other posts like it, whether we are meant to be together for ever. Our animal side suggests not but the social construct of love and marriage just sets us up to be devastated every time.

It will get better. I sometimes feel that relationship and the break up was a film or series on telly now days. Remember one foot in front of the other and focus on your baby- you still have him and he needs you more than ever giv3n that his dad has turned out to be a knob! Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
unmumsyma · 31/05/2018 13:15

He decided to invite me out for dinner last night with little one.. talk about taking the piss

OP posts:
fluffyrobin · 31/05/2018 13:40

Yes, cheating men like this love having their ego massaged by a sobbing, pleading, hysterical woman.

Makes their dicks throb.

Don't give him the satisfaction. Go no contact, be cool, don't engage, ignore.

You are worth far more than this so keep your dignity.

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