Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please on this situation with new(ish) partner

71 replies

Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 15:30

Ok, so I have changed the details a little and maybe reversed the situation as I don’t want to be outed. I’m going to discribe a scenario and I want to know who’s BU.

Boyfriend loves motorbikes, loved them for ages, girlfriend has shown no interest in them but doesn’t mind boyfriend perusing his hobby.

Boyfriends motorbike breaks, he’s really upset, can’t attend his motorbike events (meet ups etc..), bikes going to take a while to fix due to waiting for parts and waiting for money.

Girlfriend randomly goes out and buys herself a bigger better bike, she posts photos of he lovely new expensive bike all over Fb and then she joins the local biker groups showing off her new bike.

Boyfriend feels like she’s rubbing his face in it as he’s stuck at home with no bike, I huge garage bill and she’s out on her new bike posting photos when she doesn’t even like bikes.

Has the boyfriend got a right to be pissed off? Girlfriend doesn’t see the problem and just thinks boyfriend is jealous.

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 28/05/2018 15:38

There are a lot of holes in this story. When did the girl get her license? It's weird to get lessons and a license and an expensive bike but not being interested in it. If something doesn't interests someone you don't spend a lot of time and money doing it...

Gottokondo · 28/05/2018 15:39

How long have they been together? Do they live together? Can boyfriend borrow girls boike?

Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:40

It's odd that she suddenly developed an interest having previously had no interest but I mean her money and her life as well, she can spend it on and do whatever she wants. maybe seeing the B/F with his bike and hearing about bike stuff sparked a new interest for her?

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 15:43

Gotto as I said in the Op, I have changed a few things so don’t worry about the licence bit.

They have been together for a few months, suposidly taking things slow. Not living together. And yes, it seems odd that girlfriend would spend a lot on something she has never been interested in before, girlfriend has lots of other hobbies that boyfriend doesn’t get that involved with.

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 28/05/2018 15:48

Well it sounds to me like the girlfriend was interested in the hobby. I think you got it wrong there.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 15:49

Trinity but shouldn’t she have waited for her boyfriends bike to be fixed as he is upset that he can’t go out on his? She could have waited a few weeks and then they could have enjoyed the hobby together rather than going out on her new bike without him? Also don’t you think it’s a bit too early in the relationship to be getting so involved with each other’s hobbies? Nice to maybe have a little go but not go out and buy a bike that has cost twice as much and is twice as fast as her partners.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:51

Nice to maybe have a little go but not go out and buy a bike that has cost twice as much and is twice as fast as her partners.

Clearly the B/F has Bike envy

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 15:51

Maybe I should put the real story and risk being outed 🤣

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:52

I feel like you might be the g/f rather than the B/f

Somerville · 28/05/2018 15:56

The boyfriend should be glad that she's more interested than he realised in the same thing he likes doing.
And he can't own a hobby or activity - lots of times it is by exposure to a new activity that someone new realises they'd like to try it too. However if he feels that of a choice of biking clubs she has muscled in on his and he doesn't want her there, he can end the relationship. Likewise, if she doesn't like his attitude to her better financial position then she can end it. Sounds like one or both of them might prefer the activity to each other, or they'd be glad of the other's involvement.

BlankTimes · 28/05/2018 15:56

Last time I looked, motorbikes had 2 seats, why can't she take him riding pillion?

Somerville · 28/05/2018 15:58

I think because, BlankTimes, the object/hobby under discussion isn't actually motorbikes.

It doesn't matter what it is though, hobbies aren't owned by a single individual.

Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 16:00

Come on then Lovemusic33 tell us the real story!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 16:03

Yes Trinity, I will tell the real story but please if anyone recognises me don’t say anything (I have few mumsnetters on my Fb so it will be obvious).

I have been dating someone for a few months, he’s into motorbikes (which is why I used it on the reverse) he also has othe hobbies which I don’t really get involved in but have been along to watch.

I’m hugely in to VW’s and had always wanted to buy a camper/day van. A few weeks after we got together I finally bit the bullet and bough my dream van. Boyfriend came with me to look at it, he told me he knew a lot about cars so would look it over for me. He looked it over and I bought the van. I was so excited to get my dream van but on the way home with it the head gasket went and the van is undrivable. I was so upset as I had spent all my savings on it and now the engine is fucked. Had he have looked over the van properly he would have noticed the issue. My van has now been sat on my drive for a few weeks. I have shed tears over it, my dd who has ASD has shed tears over it.

Boyfriend then randomly went out and bought a VW van for over £15,000, he took out a huge loan to pay for it. He then posted photos of it all over Fb and started joining all my local VW groups even though he doesn’t live local. Yes I do have van envy but the main reason I’m upset is a few weeks ago he showed no interest in VW’s at all, he’s a motorbike person and he knows how upset I have been about my van and not being able to use it.

I know I am probably being a bit over dramatic but I’m upset, he could have helped me get mine back on the road before going off and buying himself one.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 28/05/2018 16:07

Oh Jesus Love: do you need anymore evidence he is a dick? Dump his sorry ass, and let him enjoy his van and find someone who will not make you feel so crazy. Seriously, the more I hear about this dude, the more i dislike him. And I like everyone!

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 16:08

I need quick advice, he’s coming over to talk. I’m still feeling pretty fed up about it and angry with him.

A few weeks ago he was saying how rubbish vw’s are and said he was going to get a different make of van to use for work.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 16:10

Oh :/

It seems worse that it was so specific to a VW actually. That does seem really odd alright. Did he not even mention it to you before he went and bought one?

Melstarrynight · 28/05/2018 16:11

It sounds bds as though going to look at your van piqued his interest. He was probably just being very thoughtless.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 16:12

Thanks pudding, didn’t want to give details before. People who know me in real life will know how much this van meant to me and how hard I saved to buy it.

He has offered to pay for mine to be fixed or to fix it himself but I don’t trust him to go near it, if he had checked it over properly in the first place I wouldn’t be in this situation.

I guess I just want him to see it from my point of view but I don’t think he does. He thought buying a van meant he could join in with the vw fun and come to vw festivals with me but he didn’t think to discus this with me first. My van was meant to be my little get away, to get away on my own or with the dd’s. I’m not ready to plan trips away with him.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 28/05/2018 16:13

This doesn't sit right. There seems to be something power trip ish about it somehow, although it's his money and all... Seems weird though.

Belindabauer · 28/05/2018 16:14

So he didn't look properly at the engine and advised you it was good to buy, when in fact it wasnt.
Then he goes and spends £150000, money he doe not have on a can and does all the things you were hoping to do.
No that's not nice behaviour.
I'd give him a wide birth for the time being.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 16:14

Trinity he called me a few hours before he went out to buy one, I didn’t tell him I was upset as I was shocked and was also annoyed that he was getting a lone when he clearly can’t afford it. I just told him it was none of my business as we haven’t been together long enough for me to say ‘ no you can’t get one ‘.

He did say that I had sparked an interest but he didn’t have to go out and buy such an expensive one which now makes mine look like a heap of shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 28/05/2018 16:17

My van is going to cost at least £2000 to get back on the road. He has offered to pay with the extra money he got from the loan he took out but I can’t accept that. I don’t like borrowing money or getting loans, I paid for my van outright. I could have easily got a huge loan to get a better one but I’m not like that, I only buy things I have the money for.

OP posts:
VetOnCall · 28/05/2018 16:18

Love you're flogging a dead horse here, this isn't the first time he has massively pissed you off and it's only been a couple of months. It's all been way too much angst and drama for someone you're really still just getting to know. This should be the fun, easy time. It's not right, let it go!

Re. the van, where did you buy it from? If the HG blew literally as soon as you drove it away I would be taking it up with the vendor.

Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 16:18

now that you gave the whole story, i think it seems odd and very insensitive since it was actually the Van he helped you buy and never even got to drive. In the OP it was just you had a Van that broke, not that you'd just spent all your savings on a life long dream on his advise