Advice please on this situation with new(ish) partner

[Lovemusic33]

Ok, so I have changed the details a little and maybe reversed the situation as I don’t want to be outed. I’m going to discribe a scenario and I want to know who’s BU.

Boyfriend loves motorbikes, loved them for ages, girlfriend has shown no interest in them but doesn’t mind boyfriend perusing his hobby.

Boyfriends motorbike breaks, he’s really upset, can’t attend his motorbike events (meet ups etc..), bikes going to take a while to fix due to waiting for parts and waiting for money.

Girlfriend randomly goes out and buys herself a bigger better bike, she posts photos of he lovely new expensive bike all over Fb and then she joins the local biker groups showing off her new bike.

Boyfriend feels like she’s rubbing his face in it as he’s stuck at home with no bike, I huge garage bill and she’s out on her new bike posting photos when she doesn’t even like bikes.

Has the boyfriend got a right to be pissed off? Girlfriend doesn’t see the problem and just thinks boyfriend is jealous.

He thought I would be happy that he was showing a interest

that he has become used to putting himself first

Which of these excuses do you instinctively believe? basic sensitivity says you would discuss this with a partner as he had to go through a number of steps to purchase. Based on my experience I think it shows a self centered nature plus lack of empathy.

No no no, the whole thing is weird and all based around him being the owner of the thing you want. It's warped.

A kind man would have helped you get your van back on the road and would understand that this is 'your thing'. He would have been mortified that he said the van was okay to buy - not outdone you!

This is about his ego and it's an act of ownership.

There's no point arguing because he will nat you away with his 'logic' but the fact is it's an unkind thing to do. He doesn't care about your feelings.

Get rid of him.

Honestly, I've been out with a lot of knobs and then one extremely kind and thoughtful man. He would never do this as he would understand the emotional impact.

The others would have rationalised and talked their way out of it, while i would try and try to get them to understand my feelings around it. All the while feeling like somehow I was the problem.

Kind men who genuinely care about you don't do this stuff. Honest.

What damage has been done apart from the head gasket blowing?

I only ask because I’ve changed a head gasket myself before - I think it cost about £30.

If something else is warped/cracked etc I can see the price rising but you could buy a whole new engine for what you’ve been quoted.

Head gaskets DO blow - they’re just a seal between 2 parts of the engine.

You say Had he have looked over the van properly he would have noticed the issue.

If you love vans so much shouldn't you be taking some responsibility? To be honest you both sound a bit wierd. Chuck him by all means but take some responsibility too.

And a head gasket shouldn't be that bad unless its going has fucked other things.

It just sounds weird? Like it’s not even like he’s Mr Rich and has now taken out a massive loan?

Is he a bit of a fantasist?

It might be him “jumping the gun” as in wanting to get going with holidays etc.

But there’s something almost like a compulsive behaviour/MH thing about taking out a massive loan to do so secretly? 15000 is a LOT of money.

I think it’s almost like he’s playing into this grandiose fantasy that he’s some loaded competent bloke who can afford whatever he likes and solve all your issues ( and you’ve maybe bought into the fantasy a bit too?)

I’m not sure I’d stick around to see what weirdness he comes up with next!

The head gasket is pretty bad on this type of van, the cylinder head also needs replacing (so a big chunk of the engine), I have looked at prices for part and they are £600-£700 plus a couple days Labour.

I know I was stupid not getting a proper check. Apparently he has spent time working in a garage and knows his stuff but I should have got a mechanic to check it over. The problem with the head gasket may not have been noticeable anyway (oil looked fine). Repair costs are going to be high as it's a vw specialist doing the work other garages have turned me away.

I know it all sounds weird. I'm not happy about it at all. We have talked but I have no way forgiven him. He has apologised many times but I don't know if I can forgive him. I have sent him home (I think he was expecting to stay).

I have a history of going out with dick heads and I know that men don't change and I have told him that I don't see him getting any less selfish.

My priority at the moment is to get the van fixed which will hopefully happen in the next week or so then I will decide if I keep it or sell it.

He also said he works hard for everything he has got. I pointed out that everything he has got is on tick. He has a mortgage which he only recently took out, his car was on lease so not his and now the van is paid for by a loan. He then said he works hard to pay off the loans 😐

He doesn't have a great job, it probably pays ok but can't be loads so I don't understand how he can afford it all. The house he has a mortgage on is a large 3 bed and it's expensive to buy here. Not many single men can afford that even on a good wage?

Stop wasting your time with him.

Please get a 2nd opinion re the van. Most cylinder heads can be “skimmed” smooth, not replaced.

Head gaskets can’t be “bad”, they’re designed to fail to save more expensive bits! They’re literally a 5mm flat thing that seals 2 other bits together.

That quote is outrageous.

I’ve just checked and a head gasket for a vintage VW is £28.30!

£40 to get a cylinder head skimmed, if you remove it - not difficult, just heavy.

Just loving all the petrolheads chiming in to share expertise MN at its finest!

I’m definitely kind of getting the vibe he’s a bit of a fantasist overall - exaggerating his expertise, living off credit - it doesn’t look good.

I think in general if a guy appears “too good to be true” in terms of offering above and beyond normal
courtesy, then you have to ask yourself WHY he’s so desperate and needy.

(and also, if he offers so much, why no other woman has snapped him up)

Solid people tend to be more boundaried when first meeting someone, rather than trying to take over their life straight away by “helping” - they’re protective of their resources and time because they have fairly well managed lives (and because they’ve worked for their resources, not stuck it all on credit)

I wouldn’t beat yourself up over dating him for a while - your twat radar will improve as time goes on! Get your camper fixed and get rid of him nicely.

Loving the petrol heads too. At no point have I said the van is vintage. It's a T4 (not quite vintage), I haven't got the type of money to buy a vintage van as that would cost way more than what he has spent on his newer one.

The van has been looked at by several garages and is being fixed by a specialist be garage who specialises in t4 and t5's. They are not just replacing the head gasket it's the whole head unit and cylinder head, because of the type of engine skimming the head would not work and the problem would proba my return as it's more likely to be a small hole somewhere else (the cylinder head). I did look into replacing the whole engine but was advised not too.

I don't think he comes across as needy and doesn't try very hard at all (he's quite selfish), when we started dating he wasn't the type to offer to pay the full bill, I have had nothing off of him and paid my own way. He has been single quite a while and had been living with his parent before buying the house, I think he's become used to being smothered again and not having to take responsibility for anything but that is no excuse for his behaviour. I have told him that there are no excuses and that I don't want to hear them. I told him I don't want to have to pull him up on things all the time as he should be thinking before her does them.

He said he's not used to being in a relationship and putting other people first, I told him of he thinks anything of me he should he trying extra hard to treat me right as there are plenty of others that would.

I'm not sure where we are going from here. I sent him home and will take time to think. I might spend today messing around with my van and try and get back into following my dream, I don't think I can forgive him anytime soon. He has asked what he can do to make things better and said he will do anything, the obvious thing would be to get rid of his van bit I can't tell him to do that ☹

You sound hard work. Buyer beware, not buyer's boyfriend beware.

Where I live pretty much everyone has one of those vans. The school car park looks like a VW convention. Come on, get a grip.

This is really weird. I'd get it if he bought the van for you as a couple to go on holiday in but if not it seems a bit power trippy as said by a pp, due to the size of the loan....

For now I'm contemplating the 'let him pay for the repairs and then dump him' 😁**

Don't do that. That's low.

Walk away; this is much too hard work. This is supposed to be the easy part; the honeymoon stage.

Thanks Temp don't you think I know I was stupid trusting him to look at it for me? He told me he had experience with cars and vans. The fault wasn't that obvious anyway so I'm not sure if even a mechanic would have spotted it unless they drove it over 40 miles. Not sure why I'm hard work. I was just very upset about the situation and pissed off that he went out and bought something better by taking out a huge loan. Why does that make me hard work??

Anyway. Trying to be positive and after talking to other vw friends I have realised that my van is a project and each thing I do to it will be personal to me. His van already has everything done to it and isn't personal to him at all. At VW festivals there are different sections for different cars and vans (like different clubs) so if I go I will be going with a club just for my type of van and he won't be able to park near me.so his idea of joining me at festivals isn't going to work.

Generally people with t4's don't like though with newer T5's and 6's because they are not classed as true dubbers (they tend to be just bought with everything done on them and are more of a fashion statement).

I would let him pay for it! And say to him, I can't pay you back in text to cover your arse. What a knob though!!!! Who goes and buys a brand new one when there partner has just got their dream van, recommended by yourself to be fully working which then breaks down in the same few hours! Cock.

So insensitive too, it would have pissed me off even if my van hadn't broken down! It's like a "ha, I went and got a brand new one". Wipe shit under the drivers side door handle, see how he likes that

Lol at all the VW club politics and hierarchies!

OP, don't lose heart. Get her fixed up bit by bit when you can afford it, it'll be a Labour of love and worth it!