This is going to be long so well done for anyone who gets to the end! Just wanted to avoid drip-feeding anything.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years. We have never lived together, not married/engaged, no children. For the past 3 years I have been living away from our hometown as I got an opportunity to retrain for a new career (healthcare related) and I have subsequently taken a permanent job. I finished uni last summer and took a job in September. The career opportunities for me at home are very poor until I have enough experience built up. I am approximately a 1 hour flight away from home. Typically I come home twice per month, and he visits me once per month. I also spend most of my annual leave taking trips home, around a week every three months.
Not sure how relevant this is but he spent 7 months away from home two years before I first left - he was in another European country - I suppose this was why we have managed to keep things going this long because we knew from quite early on we could make a distance relationship work.
Currently we have been arguing about our relationship - the distance is hard with no end in sight. My job is very specific and I'm quite late in starting my career so I feel that I should be making the most of any opportunities so as I can move home when a suitable job comes up. I did apply for work at home but no opportunities have come up. The way it works at home is anyone who wants a job at entry level as what I do is interviewed once a year and their name goes on a list as to how well they did at interview, the first job that comes up is given to the highest scoring applicant and so on. So applicants don't get a choice about what sort of team or speciality they are going into. At the next highest grade, individual posts are advertised but you need to have 2-3 years post qualification experience at either entry level or a higher grade.
I said before I took my first job that if we were getting married or buying a house I would have considered staying at home because then I knew the relationship was a priority for both of us. However I didn't feel it was the right thing to do to prioritise a relationship I have no guarantee of the long term outcome of. He wasn't particularly happy but we agreed the visiting frequency at that time.
He has always been very clear that he would never consider living away from our hometown - that he would never consider moving to be with me. I am certain he would be able to get a job as in his industry he has a lot of transferrable skills.
Since then I have moved jobs into a role where I am very happy and have an interview for a promotion to the next highest grade next week. It is a fantastic opportunity and would definitely benefit my long term career whether here or at home. This has caused a lot of problems as it would likely mean I might be away for longer as I'd then be trying to get home at the higher grade of job - he feels that he is continuing in this distance relationship, waiting for something that may not happen (i.e. me coming home). However I feel like I'm continuing in the relationship waiting for something that may not happen (i.e. getting engaged or buying a house). He has always said that he will not consider proposing or buying a house until I do come home. The distance is hard but I've been doing all I can to make it work. He feels that the majority of the effort should be made by me as it was my choice to leave home, and also that when I come home I also see friends and family, its not 100% about him.
So things have been at a bit of an impasse. It ultimately was coming down to me choosing between my career and my relationship. I felt that my career should take priority, and that I don't physically think I can do more to make things work.
In the meantime I've got friendly with someone at work. He came round to my flat on Friday night and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. I am so ashamed of myself. I know that I will 100% never ever do anything like this again. It showed me that I love my partner and I don't want to lose him, I just can't see myself ever being with anyone else. This is so out of character for me. Even in my single days I'd never have a one night stand. I was cheated on before and I know how it feels and I can't believe I've done this to my lovely partner, he does not deserve it.
In the morning I phoned my partner and told him everything, I was 100% honest and answered the difficult questions. He was shocked and completely deservedly called me disgusting, pointing out he had been faithful to me for the 8 years even when women were throwing themselves at him. I took full accountability for what happened, profusely apologised and told him I love him. He told me during this conversation he has actually been looking at jobs closer to me.
Since then I've sent him a few messages reiterating how sorry I am, my regret and how this has been the biggest mistake of my life, which I can see he has read, but I've had no reply. To be fair I don't expect or deserve a reply. But I'm taking comfort in the fact he hasn't blocked me. The latest I've said is that I could come home this weekend and try to arrange some counselling, certainly for me to try to understand what went so wrong that I felt the need to do this; but that I could leave it open so it could be a couples session if he wanted.
I guess I am posting because I'd really like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and if you have been able to rebuild things, and what has worked or what to be aware of. I don't know where his head is at but I'm just clinging to the hope he realises how sorry I am and how much I regret it.