Ghosting in longer term “relationships “

[whatatwatyouare]

Has anyone had this happen to them and how did you cope?

Post edited by MNHQ

Then you need to "finish it properly" Block his number. Then delete it. And go NV. I know that's really hard but it truly is the only way. You really do sound better off without it

Is it NC though if he’s already gone NC with me? It hurts so much being ignored and getting no explanation from someone who was in touch most days before. He used me for support endnote attention during s tough time in his life, now he’s back on track I seem to have been blanked. It’s not that difficult to send me s message explaining or pick up the phone.

Why do you need him to make that decision?

You will feel much better if you take control. Block him.

I think there’s a part of me that is desperate to hear something but I know if he was going to be in touch he would have been by now. Part of me hopes the idealised version I have of him in my head will come back and apologise and offer commitment but in reality he must be cruel and cowardly to do this. Literally one minute he was full on, asking to see me lots, messaging for hours and the next he’s just vanished into thin air. It makes me doubt myself for the time I’ve known him, the man I thought he was wouldn’t have been so cold.

Is there a way to stop the feelings you had for someone and that horrible anxious jealous sensation I get when I imagine him with his new woman (who I only recently found out about - he’d been seeing us both but waiting for her to be ready for something more then friends). I think I’ve just been a second best all this time.

He won’t block you because he is keeping you on the bench just in case he needs a sub. Sorry but you can do much better.

There’s no easy way of getting over any relationship. He’s been particularly cruel, which makes the whole thing worse. It sounds like he’s only able to engage with people who aren’t interested in him, which is never going to be satisfying for you in the long run.

It’s not you though, it’s down to the way he has developed of relating. Maybe he was hurt a long time ago and he’s not going to risk it happening again. But you can’t do anything to change that.

Just focus on you. Care for yourself and try not to focus on him and what he’s doing. Block him on every conceivable social contact: phone, WhatsApp, email. And eventually you’ll be relieved he didn’t do this when you were married with a couple of children.

Marmite, yes he was definitely hurt in the past and has trust issues. He said he deliberately kept me at a distance and knew it’d end badly with me early on. I feel so frustrated by the way he has ended it and gutted at the thought of never seeing him again. The thought that he seems willing to offer commitment to someone else leaves me thinking it must be something about me he didn’t want or like, yet he has been lying to her all along about me when I think about it logically. If he genuinely wanted her , he’d have picked just her at the start and patiently waited for her. Instead I’ve been his second best choice offering attention and sex until she was ready. I feel like telling her what’s gone off sometimes, she trusts him and is quite vulnerable as was I when I first met him.

It sounds like it’s early in their relationship and he could drop her further down the line. But anyway you’re just torturing yourself thinking about it and wondering if you could have done something different, been different etc. Far better to allow yourself to feel sad for a while and then later find someone who is ready to have a grown up relationship and wants you as you are.

He’s only taking himself to the next relationship.

She won’t get a better deal.

Seriously, it’s not been that long and you’ll move on quicker than you think if you block him. You won’t know when he’s online and care less and less as the days go by.

If you could be certain he was never coming back by seeing the future in 3 months, you wouldn’t waste your time on such a clear toe rag. There’d be no point. As it is, you’re clinging to hope.

If you take that stance, you may accept he’s a horrible man and move on quicker?

This thing about a bad past is an excuse. People can be damaged by awful life experience but it’s not a free licence to treat people badly.

You can do better. Good luck OP

i think it’s that tiny glint of hope still left that’s stopping me deleting him but I need to. He’s been absent a month, he quite obviously doesn’t care. He knows a lot about my past which makes the way he’s handled this even more cruel.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. I said she should block him, ignore, move on and try to forget about him. She didn't, he still keeps picking up and dropping. I admit I got a bit annoyed with her after the millionth time he did it and she was complaining about it. I told her she should have a bit of self respect and rather than keep crying over him. (I apologised for being blunt as it wasn't what she needed at the time but also said that was what I thought.) he's getting exactly what he wants and you (and her) deserve so much better. Don't let him make the decision, it's your life, he isn't giving you what you need, leave him behind.

Stop giving him all this power. You will feel so much better when you take control

My ex ghosted me after a 12 year relationship. It took a while to realise to be honest and it hurt like hell. He's blocked everywhere but I have to admit even now several years later I'd like to ask him why

He is not responding because he knows what a jerk he is and that he is hurting and he doesn't want the negative feelings impact on his happiness he is experiencing with someone else. He is a coward.

Nothing to stop the hurt but taking it one day at a time and trusting thst time heals all wounds.

To hell with him and his ‘trust’ issues. Sounds like an excuse for using you. Honestly just dump him.

It’s over, I’m struggling to get over being tricked for so long. I believed he cared for me which sounds ridiculous given all his lies. I feel silenced and invisible which hurts so much.

He is truly indifferent that's the truth. Its hard to swallow but it's a fact. Him knowing about your past is no more cruel than if he didnt - you choose what you disclose, that's on you.

I was ghosted after four years and whilst living together!! A month later I met my now (very lovely) DH. You just have to get back on the horse I'm afraid. Block and move on. My ex recently got engaged after being a commitment phobe until the age of 47....I don't envy the girl and I think she's underselling herself massively but that's not my call. You'll be fine OP, just work on forgetting him now.

Bloody hell Onemans, four years!!!! That must have been such a shock. How did you get yourself over it in the early days before meeting your lovely DH? I know the logical thing to do is to move on and forget about him but it’s easier said than done and I’m not sure quite how to “do it”.

I cried solid for about a week, then went into denial thinking he'd surely be back for about two weeks.....then went on a weekend away with friends to try and take my mind of it... went on Tinder whilst there simply to get an ego boost - I needed to be told I was pretty, basically...no intention of dating. Started talking to my DH, met him for a date/night out a month later, together now nearly four years and married nearly one 😊

I think its important to just let your feelings 'be' after stuff like this...just go through it all and let it be your experience, regardless of him. If you allow yourself to feel every emotion however grotty, you'll recover much quicker.

It feels as if I dreamt him up. Bizarre to go from so much contact to nothing.

My ex who one day was banging on about marriage and moving in together totally dropped me after one stupid argument . I bought a car the day before said argument due to the fact that we were going to move in together soon, he was at the dealership with me saying it’s fine we’ll have more money with sharing bills etc. Then totally ignored me til I went away. We worked at the same place too. Was the worse year of my life til I met my now fiancé , people are so cruel . You need to end it and move on . It’s so hard but it’s so unfair on you so take the upper hand .

Youre in a bit of shock. Block delete in every way shape and form. If you want to feel like there's been some closure, text him a last message like, i have cared for you but it doesnt work for me to be in contact any longer, take care xx and then go about block deleting him.
The guy is a narcissistic toxic, fucked up arse hole and you will meet someone so much better but you need to be free of him.

You can do it.

I really hate to sound harsh OP (sorry) but you messaging him 3 times in the last fortnight when he isn't replying really isn't on. Personally I'd be really uncomfortable with that if I were him. Any more than that and I'd consider that harassment.

I know it's hard, really awful, but stop torturing yourself and delete and block him.

I was married with a child.
These people do not change.
In the long run, you'll be grateful that he found a new victim.