Ghosting in longer term “relationships “

[whatatwatyouare]

Has anyone had this happen to them and how did you cope?

Post edited by MNHQ

Annabelle, the first message was just a hello. The second asking him to give me a ring and the third saying how disappointed I was with his behaviour towards me. The last time I’d seen him he had made plans with me for after he got back so I had no reason to think I shouldn’t have got in touch. For the first week I wasn’t even sure if he was ok or if there had been a problem with his children or illness. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask someone you’ve been seeing/ sleeping with and talking to almost daily to call things off properly if that is what they’re wanting but maybe i was wrong getting in touch. Surely if someone doesn’t want to feel awkward, they should just send a simple reply then block instead of ignoring and leaving the person unblocked.

I understand OP. No closure . Still hurts . He’s married to someone else now ( also from where we work!!!!!) all I wanted was a conclusion but I never got it . Move on please for your own sanity and self respect .

I accept I’ve tried all I can and as people say the way this has been handled says more about him than me. I feel full of doubt though, I realise I was in denial and believed the talk rather than the behaviours. The man who said he cared wasn’t genuine, the man underneath the charming exterior was a man who would happily mess me around, lie to me and leave me without a second glance when I’m no longer needed.

This is all too familiar. I’m happy and settled but still haunted by past experiences . PM me OP if you need further support. Trust me, I’ve been dumped by text, phone call , even by instant messenger by the love of my life but to be dropped by ghosting was the very worse . You are not alone here . Please look after yourself and don’t waste any more time on him . X thinking of you x

I agree with others, by not spelling out loudly and clearly that it's over, he thinks that if and when he ever does contact you, you'll be grateful to hear from him.

I know it's frowned on on mumsnet but I was ghosted (sort of, he was planning to ghost me) by a man I'd been with a few months. He went on holiday and I didn't hear from him while he was away. When he'd been back two days I rang him to tell him that I was brave enough to ring him and end it. As you'd expect he was all ''ah, I was gonna call you, work was so busy, I lost my phone'' he wasn't brave enough to say ''i decided it's over'' so I told him not to contact me. Then I blocked him, which prevented me from wasting ten seconds ever wondering if he might get in touch.

OP sadly I don't think there's much you can do to change/help an avoidant person. I don't think he was lying all the while you were together and he won't end it because he wants to leave the door open to contact you in future. I doubt very much the other girlfriend will get a better deal - it'll be the same down the line. I doubt he's likely to admit his behaviours either. Use it as a great opportunity to get out dating again, then hopefully you'll meet someone better before he contacts you again in future.

I honestly don’t think he is blanking me to leave it open, I think he’s just dismissed me as being of no further use to him and replaced me without looking back. If he wanted to leave it open he’d do the casual but distant short text chats that he’s done before to keep me dangling. The thought that he’s with someone else and possibly laughing at me or feeling indifferent to me makes me feel sick. He’s blanked me yet left it so I can get in touch, it’s as if he’s getting a narcissistic kick out of me asking for answers and getting in touch. It hurts so much because of plans made just before he disappeared. One of the last things he said to me was that he was there for me anytime, I could rely on him whenever I needed him. I did believe that he was genuine and stupidly thought he was just messed up. I feel so jealous and miss knowing what’s going on in his life. The lack of contact has left such a huge gap as has the lack of physical contact.

I’ve had a couple of dates. My problem now is that secure genuine people seem so dull in comparison to the roller coaster I’ve been on. There isn’t that lust there for me.

My logical head says exactly the same as you. My thoughts go haywire though and I find myself craving contact. I’m struggling with sleeping and although eating have lost weight without trying. It isn’t like me and I’m shocked it’s hit me so hard. I wake up thinking I should knock on his door or tell his other woman that he was seeing us both at the same time all along.

How often did you used to see him and communicate OP? If you don't think he's blanking you to keep you dangling then he's being cruel and a coward by avoiding dumping you and hoping you'll go away.

Hurt in the past etc doesn't justify his behaviour. You can't 'save ' him, it sounds like a cycle for him and the new gf will get the same.

whatat Sounds like you are going through all the emotions of grief - anger being one of them.

It's a horrible experience what you are going through. And I think it takes a while to get over. I dated someone similar and went back twice. Go NC. And keep reminding yourself how much this person hurt you. It's easy to forget and it's easy to make excuses. He might be with someone else but he will do the same to her. He's broken and unless he does some decent soul searching and makes an effort to change his ways, he will keep doing the same thing.

Be kind to yourself, lots of self care and pampering, stay busy, read some bits on baggage reclaim website and move forward with your life. This will pass. Please don't let him back in. It's not worth the pain. Some people can compartmentalise - he's probably done this.

In time, he will appear less in your brain. It's not easy. I'm nearly a month clear of the man who was breadcrumbing me. It still hurts at times but I am much happier. And I know the pain of missing the good bit will pass.

Also take a break from dating. It's probably best not to go out there with this man still taking up so much of your head space.

messaging him 3 times in the last fortnight when he isn't replying really isn't on. Personally I'd be really uncomfortable with that if I were him. Any more than that and I'd consider that harassment.

This statement is ridiculous and the poster who wrote this probably ghosts people as well. What happened to just being a decent human being and just replying, it's rude end of. Don't worry you're not being harassing at all. But if I were you I'd just delete and block, you're worth more than this, especially if they can't even be bothered to send you a simple reply, I mean what does that say about what you mean to someone.

I said any more than that would be harassment actually. I've been married for years, I wouldn't dream of treating someone in that way (ghosting) and I do feel for the OP, but my understanding from her op was that the 'relationship' was quite casual.

I know it's hard, but the only thing to do is move on... block and delete.

Actually now that I think of it, it did happen to me a few years ago (female friend). It's really horrible.

Annabelle, it started as a relationship then got changed to casual by him. He only saw me once a week or so but kept in touch most days often for hours. Looking back I wonder why he’d FaceTime for hours yet not jump in his car to see me in person. We’d been quite straight with each other. He wasn’t looking for anything serious right now, he knew I was long term. We both had feelings for each other although mine were stronger. I was obviously just convenient for sex but I did think I meant enough to him that he’d be honest with me.

He has no courage to tell you the truth and face a potentially uncomfortable situation. He probably is an emotionally unavailable/ avoidant type and this is the only way he can manage things. I don’t think you were wrong to ask how he is and what is going on with him. He was supposed to be your boyfriend!! He is just pathetic.

Definitely avoidant. But it had been downplayed to casual albeit with daily contact most of the time. Whatever it was, it should have been ended properly.

I wouldn’t even send him a text I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I still give a shit . I’d block and delete him on everything right now .

I did a last text a few days ago but had no response, I don’t think it has even been read. I can’t really ignore someone who is already ignoring me as his intention is for me to go away.

I can’t be doing with this ghosting crap. If anyone did that to me I’d march round to their house and tell them to be bloody man enough to dump me properly. No way I’d let some scumbag off the hook so easily. Dumping someone is hard, but it’s all part of life, people can’t just run away.

True . When my fiancé dumped me over instant messenger I sat outside his house and waited for him to come home . Wasn’t going to let him get out of it that easily

Grrrr it’s so easy for cowards to just sweep stuff under the carpet these days .

I didn’t state I’d ended it because I thought I’d look stupid as he’s obviously decided that. I have no rights to an explanation in his eyes because I knew by the end he didn’t consider us a relationship despite the daily contact. Looking back I was used for attention, ego, emotional support during difficult times, fun company and sex. At the same time it’s now clear he was waiting for his first choice to be available for a relationship and was playing the slow game with her. She got his full attention and time, I got what was left when it suited him. It’s only recently I found out about her and he insisted they were just friends. I doubt she’d believe me if I told her the type of men he is although I have proof. It’s the way it’s been done that is so hurtful - meeting up before blanking, gifts, making plans for the summer, then deliberately timing his exit to coincide with a trip so I wouldn’t even realise for a few weeks anything was wrong.

I don’t feel confident to confront him in person. The old me would have done just that and ripped him to shreds in front of his neighbours but my confidence is low right now. He’d think I was pathetic turning up. He’s done things his way to stay in control, he’s a control freak and very avoidant. What bugs me is not knowing if he misses me/feels guilt for his he’s treated me or if he’s just indifferent and glad I’ve disappeared from his life. The last time I saw him he made a point of telling me he was there for me anytime I needed him, I only had to call.