bride-zilla help help!

[Twinkletoes90]

Good morning! I need advice - im sorry if I ramble and the story is long - so thank you for reading!

so my brother is getting married in 8 weeks (been engaged for two years & they asked me be bridesmaid right from the word go - I was made up - my dd is flower girl and son is page boy :))
when I got asked bride said - hair shoes and make up - have how ever you like - just dress she will choose fair enough happy days (btw there is me n her friend who are bridesmaids)

she choose two dresses - her friend complained to me how much she hated them - she doesn't want show her arms - bride asked for honest opinion friend said oh its lovely - I said tbh the fit isn't the best on me but I would wear it as its what she wanted... bride said no no problem we will go shopping - so we have ended up with a multi strap dress so friend can not show arms n I like - bride chose - when trying dress on I said oh im having my hair in a lovely bun for wedding as it will hopefully be hot and il be running round after the kids all day - bride said yes it will look lovely no problem :) - next min my brother txt me having a right go saying bride was choosing hair & make up and its there wedding pics so I will exactly how they want me to not how I want to! I basically told him she had already said I could have hair how I wanted but now shes changed her mind and lied saying shes never said this - the hair she wants is down and awful my hair actually isn't long enough for the platts she wants... she said it is - its not. now she has decided how she wants me wear my make up - or should I say not to have any on at all total minimal - I booked in to have my make up and lashes done and now I feel like its a waste of money as the look she wants is a every day make up look - so why should I pay for someone make me look how I look every day? the way she speaks to me is degusting she talks down to me - everyone has noticed. im sick of the stress of there wedding - im paying more to go to this wedding and hen/stag than my own bloody wedding! it was never about the money but now the way I get spoken to im starting to regret spending so much
all they care about is the wedding pics that's it not if anyone feels happy or comfortable how they look - they actually said this to me.

so my dilemma is should I still be bridesmaid or not? I honestly feel exhausted with it all
so so sorry for the long post

Dear dear Twinkle
This is your brother and future sister in laws wedding.
But it does NOT mean they have control over you, your finances or how you parent your kids.
Cancel the hair and make up. Ask her for £100 back which seems fair considering there’s 8 weeks for her to find another booking.
Stop offering to help and stand up for yourself if they try to push you about.
Take the kids electronic devices PLUS some stickers, comics, colouring pads etc. The silly cow bridezilla will realise it’s better to have kids busy at a wedding even with electronic devices than running round while the speeches are on. Weddings are pretty dull for kids so you feel free to wander off with them into the gardens, up to your room to watch some telly or something on an iPad.
I would still go......but if they carry on being bossy and really really horrible I would be re assesing that on a daily basis!
Oh and check the cancellation policy of the hotel for the other night you have booked......just in case!!!

This is the type of look I was hoping to go for - this is just off google... xxx
Also Meghan look amazing! Xxx

Not sure how electronics are going to ruin photos. During the meal the photographer will be enjoying a break themselves and getting something to eat. No one looks good in photos with a mouth full of food (DH is a wedding photographer).
The photographer will photograph the speeches and focus on the person giving the speech and the couples reactions. They won't care about kids on electronics, they however will be annoyed by kids running wild.
I suggest you get the happy couple a grip as a wedding present as they need one.

Just when you think it couldnt get any more nuts....
Why would electronics spoil photos? I assume kids arent going to be running around following the bride with an ipad.
I would politely explain that you will be bringing whatever you planned on bringing, because bringing a set of lego or whatever will be even less convenient for everyone.

My reply was... sorry I’m bringing them - unless u fancy chasing them round all the meal trying to make them sit nice and quiet? - don’t worry they won’t spoil pics - but them not having them will as ino for fact they will go crazy and probs push ur very expensive massive cake over xxx

She is being duplicitous toward you and playing your brother into a triangulation of power over you.

I would suspect she is telling you one thing and everyone else something different to set you up for an embarrassment.

Go as the best version of yourself, no apologies. Any comment can be met with: icy silence (and look over her shoulder while she is talking to, nay, at you or stand at an angle to her so her words literally go past you). Let her have the last word, let her rant- just do not engage. Do not be alone with her.

No gift required in these circumstances.

No electronics? Ha, a couple of cases of silly string might be something actually worth the expense. (Just kidding...or maybe not .)

No electronics isn't an odd request surely? I would be very at anyone who allowed them at a wedding of all places.

The rest is nuts, but no electronics totally normal/reasonable IMO

£700 for 2 nights at the hotel and £250 for drinks!! - Are they getting married at the Ritz?

Mumsnet need to publish a guide to "Coping with cheeky fuckers"!

£700 for a B&B? £250 for drinks??!!! Are you MAD?

OP. Was that really your reply? If so then I think you've ramped things up a bit.

I suspect it will cause more drama.......

During most weddings I've been to the children ate one bread roll and then raced about outside or the dance floor. Very little sitting at the table involved. Reappeared for pudding or cake.
I lug around a bag of drawing stuff or word searches etc. And tell them they could have iPads after cake and then winged it. She was hardly likely to have intervened.

Yes sofake... his reply to me was didn’t think about that.... sure he didn’t 😒😒 xxx

The sound like they don't really want you at this very stupid sounding wedding , cut your losses claw back as much money as you can and go away with your family instead . Do you get on with your brother normally ? . X

Thank you AndTheBandPlayedOn I definitely will!! Xxx

Yes Madupfam - we normally get along great don’t see each other much due to work but we talk a lot on the phone - but recently not as much... xxx

They are both being so horrible to you that I wonder why they even want you there!? They are not behaving as if you were welcomed and wanted. Definitely agree re make-up, she probably wants you to look washed out in the photos so that she looks better. She sounds vile.

She seems to be deliberately being as dismissive of you as she can.
You haven't had any real input into this money-grab fest, you don't even know what she's wearing, or her plans for the morning etc, and you are her bridesmaid and soon-to-be SIL!!

Your Mum seems to be on your side, though, so I would follow her advice, and get your make-up and hair as YOU want, as you are paying, and Bridezilla seems to be deliberately making things difficult for you. Is she jealous of you in some way? It does seem a very odd way to behave.

I would NOT be taking £250 for drinks - that sounds like she and her favoured crew are going to get pissed on vintage champagne, and charge it all to your room! And I would be wanting to see what the other bridesmaid has bought for the bride's bag. I reckon it's £100 from you, and £5 from her.

Do you have to stay at the hotel for the wedding night? I would be considering an Air BnB, if there was one close to the venue. When you and the kids have had enough, you could just call a cab, go back there, and drive home the next morning.

OP, just go “Yeah, yeah...” to whatever they say and then do exactly what you want for the actual day. They will be so wrapped up with themselves, they probably won’t notice and if they do, it will be too late. Just let it all waft over you and do your own thing. At this point, they have been that rude, you really don’t have to prostrate yourself for their arsey bullshit. And no one dictates to me the hairstyle or fashion for their wedding, especially if it doesn’t suit me. When anyone asks me to be a bridesmaid, I only accept if they respect my own taste and style. Otherwise, I politely decline. I have zero patience for OTT Bridezilla behaviour.

The £100 probably covers funding for the bridesmaids gifts.

this was my first ever time being bridesmaid - and I will never ever do it again honestly I have enough stress in my life atm and I really don't need this grief off them!
my mum has been brilliant with me and she can see exactly how they are both acting - they have also said things to her !!
iv cancelled one night and iv cut the spends down to £100 for the day - im even tempted to cut than down n sneak my drinks in !!! does that sound really bad?
the brides night before bag has apparently very expensive champers in (not a clue what its called - I don't drink the stuff!) some gold type face mask thing and pjs and slippers

thank you all for ur advice tho - I have realised im a complete mug - but will be having my hair and make up how I want - I soundlike a total cow saying that ino!! xxxx

you are not a mug you are just trying to be a good sister to your brother but your future sister in law is taking advantage of that. Well done you for standing your ground with the hotel etc and I love the look of the make up, simple but classy. Hip flask all the way!!! xx

Your DB and SIL are treating you very badly, OP, but at least your DM knows what's going on and is on your side.

I had 3 bridesmaids at my wedding, including my DSis, who was my MOH. I paid for their dresses and all their accessories. I wouldn't have dreamt of ordering them around, I wanted them to enjoy being part of my special day.

Eugh, this is why I’d never be a bridesmaid. It might be their photos, but it’s YOUR hair and YOUR face. Asking someone to do you the FAVOUR of being bridesmaid does not suddenly mean you own that person. They should just be happy that the people they’re meant to love are with them on their day and will be in the pictures.

When I got married I didn’t have bridesmaids, but my brothers girlfriend turned up in the same shoes as me. She felt terrible, but I reassured her that I really couldn’t care less. Weddings are about marrying the person you love, it’s not a bloody fashion show.

Exactly that! My mum has to keep saying to him 'it's not about the day it about the rest of your life's together... yes you want a lovely perfect wedding but it's what you make of your life together that counts!'
Bride has messaged me.. 'hi can you inform your cousin of what colours flower girls will be wear so her daughter does not wear the same, thanks'
I haven't replied, also I don't feel right messaging a cousin this?!?!
This wedding is a constant headache 😩😩😢

Perhaps you could offer her a friendly suggestion for her to create a spread sheet that has what everyone will be wearing? Maybe she’ll bite on that one.

Text her back & suggest she tells your Brother he can message his cousin this information, he/she is also your Brothers cousin 🙂