Does anyone have experience of a family member with boderline personality disorder?

[SMJYellow]

My sister is unbelievably troubled. She's not living at home. She is in a different county. The family are tormented from her.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

She takes offence easily at situations where no offence or harm was meant. I could spend all day writing here about her and what she has done to not only me but also the family. She wants nothing to do with the family but she won't let us go. I received the majority of the abuse and harassment from her into my old phone. My mother and one /two of three brothers received less.

In recent times she went down the road of contacting my boyfriend and also my employer. My younger brother was called something unbelievably horrific which was all lies and just pure trouble making from her.

She is using message apps to abuse us now. Like, some of the messages she has sent to my brother made it look like there was a mob of people out to get him. She has sent family messages making it appearing as if it came from my old phone number. The other night my mother got 'I love cock' into her phone and looked as if it came from my old number.

This week gone by, she has started contacting my boyfriends family to warn them about how nasty I am.

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Ignoring her, changed my number.

The police were no good. I'm at breaking point now. There is so much other stress in my life aside from her and I'm beginning to crack.

A friend of mine who works in the health care, asked me about the family and the sister. I said something which alarmed her. Some weeks ago, a situation arose where the family had to make contact with her to notify her of something very serious. My sister managed to turn things right around onto herself. My friend said to look up group but personality disorders and I did. Boderline personality disorder fits her to a T.

Is there any way of putting an end to this? Does their back lash and poison ever end?

As I said upthread, if these were physical disabilities being discussed, MN would have shut the thread down ages ago and disablist comments wouldn't have been left to stand.

Ladydeadpool,

'you and your sister are both better off without each other'

And that I know. I'm not trying to get back in with her and according to my sister I'm dead to her and she wants nothing to do with me.

The woman has major trouble moving on with her decision.

Hissy I Call it spiteful to classify someone with a disability as being such a terrible awful person with no proper psychology education, people would be up in arms if she said her sister had autism or ADHD but because it's BPD it's a free for all and it's damaging for those of us who live with it. We have to see this shit all the time and I will challenge people who do it to stop that hurt from happening to sufferers who have no control over their mental health, it's harmful and disgusting.
People with BPD have tried to explain to the OP why it probably isn't the case but she keeps repeating that because of her sisters harmful behaviour she must have BPD and since she has no training or qualifications in MH she is talking in stereotypes which are no less damaging just because they're mental health stereotypes and not physical stereotypes.

If no one challenges this attitude it's never going to change. The OP may be traumatized but I and other sufferers are also traumatized by being painted as these stereotypes for something we can't help and is completely untrue. My worth and that of the others on here is not less than the OPs.

No one's dismissing OP's issue with her sister, she sounds awful and OP needs it handled by the police or MH specialists to deal direct with her sister, not just from OP's point of view.

What we do have a problem is the adamant assumption of the sister having this specific problem because she displays symptoms that would account for a small percent of a diagnosis.

not to mention we're being told there's no point arguing with us because our disorder doesn't let us have balanced arguments

@LadyDeadpool - bloody, yes.

BPD sufferers already feel like shit about themselves and feel they're unworthy of being loved and wanted, the stereotype that people with BPD are just toxic, hateful and spiteful just reaffirms our belief people hate us and why they'd want to leave us.

OP: get a solicitor's letter maybe or take someone in with you to the police station who can advocate for you. On this thread, you are the bad guy now and as you've seen, your role as the villain has already started e.g."your sister is better off without you".

It's really odd to me that the endpoint of anti-ablism is apparently accepting some weird religious pre enlightenment theory of mind in which people do "bad things" for no reason at all. Because they are "assholes". Maybe it's demons? Or a bad aura? It's somehow kinder and wiser and smarter to think that people are evil than to accept they may be emotionally or psychologically damaged or suffering from a disorder. It's also wishful thinking because the OP's sister is clearly mentally ill. She has some kind of disorder. Sorry if that truthful indisputable fact offends anyone!

I think rather than bashing the OP for thinking her sister possibly has a mental health condition, we should be offering some practical advice. I can quite understand given her sisters behaviour that a diagnosis other than evil asshole exists. Maybe a restraining order (broken and reported a few times) will answer the question once and for all by getting the sister the help she needs (and the OP some peace.

She sounds more histrionic than borderline IMO - wanting to be the constant centre of attention.

There's also no point arguing with people online about whether she has BPD. And there's also not much point arguing with people with BPD about BPD because the disorder is characterized by black and white thinking and extreme emotional reactions and they'll spend a lot of time trying to make you the bad guy.

“They” being all exactly the same, rather than individuals with varying combinations of symptoms, of varying severity and expression, from what is already a very broad diagnosis

As one of “them”, I object to being pigeonholed like this.

Thank you Hissy for your lovely reply.

Thank you too to Sweatymoose. I can definitely see where you and others are coming from. Its serves no benefit to anyone suspecting and speculating that my sister may have BPD. She may or may not have it or it could be something else. I do suspect there is something there with my sister. When I was reading up on group b personality disorders something clicked with me from reading up on that.

From what I read people with BPD care about others and are upset with losing people/family and upset with abandonment. I definitely read something on them lines anyways.

It brought me back to the instant where my sister fell out with one of my brothers. He is living and working abroad. About 13 months or so after his emigration, my sister developed an issue with him. He wasn't contacting home as often as she would have liked and she read into things as him cutting contact with the family. That wasn't true at all. He was living on another continent with a much warmer climate. A different timezone. Working in construction. I was on good terms with my sister back then. When she talked about my brother, I tried to give a different perspective to the one that she was having. I said maybe he has to rise early for work to beat the heat. Maybe the cost of living is too much and he can't afford to ring home and he's too proud to say. Maybe he's homesick and it's his way of dealing with things. She didn't want to hear any of it from me and got defensive and mad saying - why are you making excuses for him. I wasn't making excuses for him. I was able to see things from a different angle.

Eventually she sent him abusive messages and they fell out.

To this day, she still has it in for him and fails to realise her part in their fall out. She firmly believes apologies should come from him.

You are right. None of this suspecting and speculating serves a purpose here.

Saiya, I'll be going back to my solicitor next week. I already had my solicitor send a letter to her informing her of the harassment and the consequences. I was hoping that was going to be enough for her to stop but she ignored the letter and if anything it angered her more.

I have bpd. I am nothing like how you describe your sister.

I’ve known of people with diagnosed bpd and they have been very much like OP sister

I’ve also known people very much like op sister who have not got any kind of personality disorder

Personality disorders don’t make nice people into arseholes, arseholes with personality disorders are arseholes first and foremost.

depressives are stereotyped, paranoid schizophrenics are stereotyped. People generalise.

People look for reasons to make sense of the world.

Hiss, thank you for your reply. When I was reading up online and about group b personality disorders, boderline personality disorder just clicked with me.

I do understand where others are coming from though. It serves no benefit to anyone suspecting and speculating that she might have this disorder. At the end of the day, all I and the family want is peace. The situation is what it is and suspecting that she may have it doesn't help the situation or help my sister.

My sister always had some bad traits but she was never this bad. There's also passive aggressiveness with her and I definitely don't need any doctors to diagnosis that part.

If I had any faith that she would stop and move on with her life, I'd be OK. At this stage, the abuse and harassment has been so prolonged and heavy and has increased in nature to be more vile and more serious and shows no sign of stopping.

I'll be going back into my solicitor next week to see what my options are. Hopefully he will help me with making a statement. At this stage, I want her up in front of a judge where a judge will hopefully order a psychiatric report.

So sorry that you are going through this. I don't have too much else to offer, but there is an excellent book about dealing with family members with BPD. It's called Stop Walking on Eggshells

What does the BPD diagnosis matter? Suppose we had all answered "yes, it sounds like a textbook case" what could you do then that you can't now?
It seems like the most important thing is to address her actions - try the Harassment Act 1997, s76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015, maybe the Sexual Offences Act 2003 for offences she might be committing. Then block her on all media and encourage your parents to do the same.

SMJ in a way the BPD thing is partially a red herring.

Anyway, it's clear that dealing with her is extremely difficult and that you need to close it down.

I think you have to consider taking out a harassment order against her, and you have to prepare for this by logging every incident that happens now, and that has happened in the past that you have corroborating witnesses for. Date, details, witnesses. The police person you saw let you down; can you ask for another?

You also need to contact everyone who had your old phone no and tell them that any messages from you should be checked with you, directly, on this number. Maybe the phone company could do something too?

Your mum probably won't want to completely cut links with her but I suggest you say that you don't want to hear any more about her. If the thought of suicide scuttled across your mind then you really, really need to back away.

wishing you luck, this sounds a nightmare that grinds you down.

Btw, if BPD is a factor at play then the causes are sometimes not known. I knew someone with severe BPD from a loving family. Of course, everyone blamed them. But by sheer chance 20 years later it came out that she had been severely, repeatedly abused as a pre-verbal baby by a trusted person. The damage had been done but no one knew until a coincidence revealed it many years later. Heartbreaking.

Good point, a diagnosis doesn’t help manage the situation, it doesn’t make a difference to what happens

I absolutely understand the way you are feeling, I have so much sympathy for you.

Yes, you’ll need to get as much help as you can to stop this. It’s time. You have to protect yourself and your family.

You’ve tried everything to no avail. You shouldn’t feel any guilt.

(((Hug)))

My mother is properly diagnosed BPD and a lot of what you describe is very familiar, op. My only solution to protect myself and my family was to end my relationship with her. She's high functioning but no less damaging than what you're describing which sounds lower functioning.

The only trouble, op, is that you cannot have this discussion in an open forum. As you see from this thread what happens is that your thread gets consumed by posters with BPD who, by the very nature of their problem, get personally offended and over-emotional. They ignore how you're affected and talk only about themselves and how terrible (your) life is for them and how you (and everyone else) should change their behavior. Does this sound familiar?

If you're looking for support for yourself, and even just other people who understand, there is a forum called bpdfamily which you might find helpful. It's American but the issues are the same (only the legal bits are different). They go to great lengths to ensure that hijacking doesn't happen and you might find a more free conversation there.

As someone with BPD, she sounds like someone with BPD...if it walks, talks, and quacks like a duck it probably is. She probably has comorbid traits of narcissism.
Doctors don’t know shit about mental health and not having a diagnosis doesn’t mean she doesn’t have it. It is notoriously hard to get a diagnosis for cluster B disorders.

No two people with BPD are alike. I am highly manipulative however, I do own that about myself..I feel very sorry for the people I have close relationships with. They inspire an anger in me I can not control. It’s nothing personal..it is the nature of the disorder for me.
I’m not an easy person to love by my own admission. I am not surprised to people’s emotional reactivity to this topic, it’s very atypical of people with bpd. To admit negative traits about oneself is an ego death so to speak. It’s the black and white thinking in full effect. Ie..I am all bad because I have some human traits x10

To admit negative traits about oneself is an ego death so to speak. It’s the black and white thinking in full effect.

I don't have the negative traits OP described. Why people with BPD feel it's ok to dismiss other people's opinions because of their BPD is completely mind boggling. I didn't get the memo that my opinion and feelings were invalid and automatically just my illness talking.

Jesus Christ Ryan..this isn’t a personal attack get a grip. No one said you have those traits. This is the internet, no one knows you.

You literally just said the reason people have a problem with OP's post is because they share those traits. Jesus Christ.

Can’t seem to find where my post says that but ok.

I don’t know why the thought police are getting so butthurt about the OPs post. She can think what she damn well pleases. It’s not a personal attack..I’m sorry but most of these REACTIVE posts further reinforce the stigma attached to BPD.

I’ve dated multiple bpd women and I have bpd. Total nightmare and I certainly played my part in the dramatics. I’ve chosen to be on my own. It’s better that way. Some self reflection would do you some good Ryan..stop using this boohoo-poor-me-victim mentality. Who cares what other people think of you or people with BPD. They’re no one to you and vice verse.

Saltfish some people are just unpleasant people, BPD or no.

My DH auntie has BPD and she is one of the most caring people I have ever met.. Self depreciating, self harms, excessively paranoid but never abusive... Your DSis symptoms sound like a mystery to me than BPD from the experiences we've had as her carers for the last 15 years