Does anyone have experience of a family member with boderline personality disorder?

[SMJYellow]

My sister is unbelievably troubled. She's not living at home. She is in a different county. The family are tormented from her.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

She takes offence easily at situations where no offence or harm was meant. I could spend all day writing here about her and what she has done to not only me but also the family. She wants nothing to do with the family but she won't let us go. I received the majority of the abuse and harassment from her into my old phone. My mother and one /two of three brothers received less.

In recent times she went down the road of contacting my boyfriend and also my employer. My younger brother was called something unbelievably horrific which was all lies and just pure trouble making from her.

She is using message apps to abuse us now. Like, some of the messages she has sent to my brother made it look like there was a mob of people out to get him. She has sent family messages making it appearing as if it came from my old phone number. The other night my mother got 'I love cock' into her phone and looked as if it came from my old number.

This week gone by, she has started contacting my boyfriends family to warn them about how nasty I am.

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Ignoring her, changed my number.

The police were no good. I'm at breaking point now. There is so much other stress in my life aside from her and I'm beginning to crack.

A friend of mine who works in the health care, asked me about the family and the sister. I said something which alarmed her. Some weeks ago, a situation arose where the family had to make contact with her to notify her of something very serious. My sister managed to turn things right around onto herself. My friend said to look up group but personality disorders and I did. Boderline personality disorder fits her to a T.

Is there any way of putting an end to this? Does their back lash and poison ever end?

If this was a thread stereotyping and armchair diagnosing a physical disability it would be taken down.

As always, it's fine to perpetuate harmful labelling when it comes to mental health.

My SIL has BPD/bi-polar effective disorder. I recognise a lot of what you're writing about here.

I do feel for her, she has struggled with MH issues ever since I've known her, and has been sectioned several times. However, she is also her own worst enemy. She has managed to finally find a treatment (lithium) that has worked really well for her for the last 3 years, yet, because of the side effects she wants to come off it against the advice of the drs.

She is now back to sending us abusive messages and behaving terribly. We all understand it is the result of the MH issues, but

(a) there is only so much abuse any one family can take
(b) we are worried about the effect of her behaviour on our young and impressionable children
(c) she needs to work co-operatively with her MH team; they are not unsympathetic to the medication effects and are willing to work with her to try alternatives, but it took such a long time to find an effective treatment dose for her with lithium that she must understand that she can't just take herself off without consequences.

It is so hard to have a family member with extreme MH issues. We have supported her so much, at times to our own mental, emotional and financial detriment. I have reached a point of carer fatigue and now I want to remove myself and my kids from her sphere of influence.

It is SO draining and negative for us all. Conversations with her are either all about her or telling us how awful we all are and diagnosing us all with MH conditions. She is vile to her mum and makes her cry on a regular basis. She sent me a series of texts when my OH (her brother) was seriously ill in hospital, completely decimating my character. She can't hear any criticism without responding with vitriol.

I do care about her but my capacity to help her in any meaningful way has been reached.

I don't know what will happen to her going forward; she is currently married to someone she met on the internet, who we're pretty sure only married her to get into the UK. When we tried to suggest she shouldn't rush into anything, she walked out. When we suggested she protected her assets with a pre-nup she called us names. When he has his British passport and spent all her money she will doubtless knock on our door. I don't have any more energy for her.

MH is really really hard to deal with. There isn't enough funding and support for either the sufferers or their support networks.

*If this was a thread stereotyping and armchair diagnosing a physical disability it would be taken down.

As always, it's fine to perpetuate harmful labelling when it comes to mental health.*

Yep. I have BPD. I read this threads and can usually expect to find someone attributing a list of horrible personalty traits to my diagnosis. Its clearly not enough that steering through my day is generally overwhelming , that suffering childhood neglect and abuse caused this in the first place. I need to absorb people's total misunderstanding of a brutally difficult mental health condition and diagnosis based on reading a book. Pretty sure my psychiatrist would be pretty pissed off he wasted all those years in medical school if all he needed to do was read a manual.

Pheasant plucker,

That sounds awful. You and your family were doing your best to warn her of the relationship and the possibility of being used but she didn't want to see it that way.

As hard and all as things are, a huge positive is that she is in the health care system.

A poster above has brought up abuse from childhood due to her language in many messages and the accusations towards the family.

Me and my sister are twins. We have one younger brother and two older by a year and two. So all in all similar ages.

I experienced no abuse of a sexual or physical nature from anyone. If its a possibility, how on earth did I escape abuse and she didn't? It doesn't make sense. My brothers all similar in ages to us, wouldnt even have the capacity to dish out abuse.

I know there are types of abuse. My parents relationship went sour when we were young. Probably from about 8 1/2 or 9 years, til he moved out when we were about 15. Maybe that had a profound effect on her.

All because you were not subject to abuse, how do you know she wasn't? Why would your older brothers not have the capacity to commit abuse? I'm not suggesting they did, but nor can you dismiss it out of hand.

I know a lady who was abused by her dad. He never touched her sister. Thankfully her sister did believe her when she spoke up.

Your sister's behaviour is very difficult to handle, I have no doubt of that. But it would do you no harm - and may give your sister some peace - to try to understand why she acts the way that she does.

She may have been abused. She may not. Its perfectly possible. Because abuse isnt always carried out by dirty old uncles in the same way rapists dont always hide in alleyways and jump out on strangers.

She may not have BPD either. You dont know.

And now it feels as though you are looking for things to make your assumption fit. Please listen to what the likes of me and other perfectly decent human beings who happen to have BPD are saying. Its a complex diagnosis. Its not something for you to guess at. Her behaviour towards you and your family is wrong. But until she has a professional diagnosis you are doing her no favours and you are contributing to negative, horrible stereotyping of people who already have complex mental health needs to deal with.

Asking someone not to stereotype or make assumptions and to give some thought to what they're saying is not the same as making them out to be the bad guy. I'm quite capable of making a rational point too.

I have bpd. The stereotyping and labelling are extremely negative. I get sick of people saying that people with bpd are all manipulative people who are out to cause difficulties for others. I am no more manipulative that any other person. I hurt myself but am kind to others. The abuse I suffered has impacted massively on my mental health but I’m really trying my best to live my life. I only tell selected people I have it because of the stigma around it. The majority of people would never know I have it. Only those close to me know.

Bombardier,

My sister and I were 8 years old when my younger brother was born. It is this brother that my sister has been sending abusive messages to and accusing him of being a paedophile.

When was he supposed to have groomed her? When he was 4/5/6/7/8/9/10 years old ndáil my sister was 12/13/14/15/16/17/18 years old. It doesn't stack up. He never would have had the capacity to do that as a child himself.

As for my two older brothers, when we were 8, they would have been 9 and 10. They were children themselves. How would they have a had the capacity to abuse at such young ages. My eldest brother was always very independent and from about the age of 16 he really wasn't at home. He went to do an apprenticeship early on at 16 and he developed a travelling bug early in life. My other brother next in line, I just don't believe he would have something like that in him. He's very intelligent and he's the rock in the family and always talking sense. Like currently there's other family problem with my father and he has kept a cool head on him throughout and remains to be very positive. They are two fantastic, fine gentlemen.

There's been no other close male figures in our lifes growing up.

If there's anything there from my sister in relation to abuse, she needs to go to the revelant authorities.

@saiya06 do you have BPD? Do you understand how the stigma effects people? Like @fantasmasgoria1 I don't tell people about my diagnosis because we're made to feel ashamed, I can count on one hand how many people in almost 15 yrs I've told.

Yes, we do 'victimize' ourselves, but that's not what we're doing here. We are painfully aware of our flaws, so to say we're trying to make OP the bad guy and we can't be argued with because of our 'black and white thinking' is wrong.

OP is basically saying her sister has BPD because she's acts horrifically to her family - no other reason. We have enough trouble with the stigma without things like this. We're trying to educate OP on what BPD actually is, not argue because we don't like her assumptions and descriptions of the illness when she hasn't knowingly encountered it/doesn't understand it.

@SMJYellow my step-brother who was only a year older than me sexually abused me from ages 8-11 and further sexually harassing messages until we were about 17. I was also assaulted twice at primary school by a boy in my class. It happens. I'm not saying your sister is telling the truth, but don't be so naive.

Saiya,

I think you are right. Here I am with a very strong inclination that my sister has something and it looks to be like BPD, and there's posters nearly claiming that I'm branding all with BPD in the same way as my sister in which I'm not doing that.

You are right. The issue here is the police not doing their work. I wonder would I be better off going to my doctor first and having a chat. I'm finding this tremendously stressful. Not only me but the rest of the family too are finding it very hard. Last night I went to bed thinking about putting an end to my own life just to put an end to all of this. At least I would get some peace ina coffin. At the end of the day, all we want is peace and we are not able to handle this from my sister. I don't have any plan in place and I don't think I'm in any immediate danger of suicide myself but if this persists. Goodness knows what might happen. I do enjoy life and I have so much to look forward to. However, this abuse and harassment and torture from my sister has to end.

Could I get a letter drawn up from my doctor to take into the police station perhaps? Would something like that work for the police to take to this seriously. The officer I dealt with not so long ago, I felt he believed it was a silly tit for tat.

The family have no contact with her and we are not responding but she is persisting. Shes now harassing my boyfriends family with the aim of quite simply humiliating me.

And there's also not much point arguing with people with BPD about BPD because the disorder is characterized by black and white thinking and extreme emotional reactions and they'll spend a lot of time trying to make you the bad guy.

This is essentially saying don't listen to them, they're crazy. How fucking dismissive can you be. A disgusting disablist post.

there's posters nearly claiming that I'm branding all with BPD in the same way as my sister in which I'm not doing that

No, people with actual experience of the disorder are telling you what you're trying to self diagnose your sister with is not an accurate depiction of the illness. Funny how you don't want to engage with anyone that has a different view.

Once again. We are not making you out to be the bad guy. We are asking you to think about things. And to not use a list of unpleasant acts combined with a list in a manual as a basis of a diagnosis that you are not qualified to make, in order to explain your sister's awful behaviour.

It might be BPD. It might be a number of conditions. We don't know either. But you could use our insights into what it's like to live with it as a way to inform your next move, to understand your sister or get a better feel for what BPD is like from the inside.

@RyanStartedTheFire it's OK, OP has sided with this mentality rather than listen to people who actually suffer with it because it suits her original judgement Just keep adding kindle to that crazy stigma fire guys!

TBH OP it sounds like you just want to have your sister diagnosed with this. Is it because it's suddenly become the fashionable diagnosis like Bi-polar was a few years ago? Some kind of 'Munchausen by proxy' perhaps.

There are plenty of other MH issues that make people lie, become angry and volatile. What you're describing doesn't sound like BPD (you know, coming from several PPs who have been through the diagnosis and have plenty of experience/knowledge, but what would we know because we 'split' our views too much to make a valid argument) maybe you're not telling us all details and there are other things that fit with a BPD diagnosis, but what you've repeatedly said on here does not fully.

You have to cut contact with her and explain to others to do the same. there is literally nothing anyone can do if she's doing this from another country.

You can't save her, but you can save yourself. I know that won't be a popular thought with all, but we can't change the way others behave, we can only change the way we react to them.

Sweaty mouse,

I'm so sorry to read that you were abused.

If it's true from my sister she needs to go to the revelant authorities instead of harassing me and the family and leave my boyfriend, his family and my employers out from all this because as far as I can see she's only out for revenge and sabotaging everything I have.

'Op is saying sister has BPD because she acts horrifically to the family - no other reason'

I strongly suspect its BPD but if you were to read through the thread it's not because solely she is treating the family appallingly. You will see that that there are other things too like
Her anger is as fresh and as strong a today ad it was three/four years ago when she developed slights against the family.

Her appetite for revenge and punishment is enormous. Almost as if like 'you hurt me so it gives me the right to do whatever it is that I want to do to hurt you all'.

She has managed to turn so much that wasn't ever about her onto herself and her hurt feelings.
For example - generally we have no contact with her. I don't know what her position is with our father. He managed to screw up his finances and lose his home. During the Easter I time, I rang my sister to tell. I had trouble getting through to her first on the phone but eventually she picked up. I thought I was doing the decent thing telling her in case she was to ever visit our our father and see that he's not in his house anymore and there's strangers there instead. That news in and of itself would have been huge. My sister managed to turn around onto herself and her hurt feelings over old rows that would have happened 5/10/15 years ago.

I suspect there is something there and BPD disorder does seem fitting. It's not just because she has been behaving appalling to the family.

We have read the thread. It's still doesn't say BPD to me and no one but a trained professional can diagnose it. It would make no difference having a diagnosis. You need advice on restraining orders, not an unsupported armchair diagnosis of BPD that is unhelpful to actual sufferers of the disorder.

Cut contact with her, take out a restraining order. I have heaps of sympathy for you OP, don't get me wrong. It must be soul destroying to have this kind of anger directed at you, but it's not ok to brand someone with a disorder because you think it fits.

Thank you, but I was just posting that for perspective, it doesn't mean your sister is telling the truth but it doesn't mean she's lying either, perhaps she has a type of illness that creates false memories? (which is not typical of BPD)

I'm still failing to see how your sister being hell bent on revenge and having major anger issues sells a BPD diagnosis to you. Yes, BPD can manifest with a furious temper and vindictiveness, but what you're describing is an entirely other level and is essentially stalking/harassment, which is a legal matter, or maybe your minimising what's actually gone in between the family and her reaction isn't as extreme as you're making out. If you're so worried and convinced it's a personality disorder, you need to contact a MH team on her behalf because if it is BPD, she is a danger to herself.

BPD is far more than just anger and vengefulness, even the sufferers who are more outwardly punishing aren't that continuously cruel without further MH problems/naturally being a complete twat.

You and your sister would both be better off without each other.
Delete her number talk to the police about harassment and if you want to diagnose her go get a qualification in psychology otherwise be quiet about what you know nothing about and stop insulting people who have an actual disability you know absolutely nothing about as frankly you're coming across as spiteful yourself.

My ex was abusive.

I tried looking at all sorts of avenues and reasons for why he treated me the way he did, having a reason would have helped me I think I thought at the time. If he had 'X" then it wouldn't be 'his fault' and that would make it easier to rationalise in my head.

No, of course armchair diagnosis of others, people like this sister or like my ex, isn't helpful to those who have been diagnosed, but it's a whole lot easier for the victims to live with than to think that these people are just awful because they want to be.

It's not fair to tar innocent others with the same brush, no, but I understand why the OP is clutching at straws to find a reason behind the hatred her sister is exhibiting.

OP is not coming across as spiteful, she has been on the end of a deliberate and targeted campaign to ruin every aspect of her life and family. Cut her some slack please. I don't doubt she's traumatised by it all.