Does anyone have experience of a family member with boderline personality disorder?

[SMJYellow]

My sister is unbelievably troubled. She's not living at home. She is in a different county. The family are tormented from her.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

She takes offence easily at situations where no offence or harm was meant. I could spend all day writing here about her and what she has done to not only me but also the family. She wants nothing to do with the family but she won't let us go. I received the majority of the abuse and harassment from her into my old phone. My mother and one /two of three brothers received less.

In recent times she went down the road of contacting my boyfriend and also my employer. My younger brother was called something unbelievably horrific which was all lies and just pure trouble making from her.

She is using message apps to abuse us now. Like, some of the messages she has sent to my brother made it look like there was a mob of people out to get him. She has sent family messages making it appearing as if it came from my old phone number. The other night my mother got 'I love cock' into her phone and looked as if it came from my old number.

This week gone by, she has started contacting my boyfriends family to warn them about how nasty I am.

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. Ignoring her, changed my number.

The police were no good. I'm at breaking point now. There is so much other stress in my life aside from her and I'm beginning to crack.

A friend of mine who works in the health care, asked me about the family and the sister. I said something which alarmed her. Some weeks ago, a situation arose where the family had to make contact with her to notify her of something very serious. My sister managed to turn things right around onto herself. My friend said to look up group but personality disorders and I did. Boderline personality disorder fits her to a T.

Is there any way of putting an end to this? Does their back lash and poison ever end?

Due to other family issues, I had to turn on my old phone and number. Its because a lot of the extended family don't have my new number and I'm reluctant to give my new number away in case my sister gets a hold of it. Anyways, I turn on my old phone about once or twice a week. Just for a short quick time to see if there's anything from my uncles and aunts.

About a fortnight ago, I got another message from my sister saying something like:
I was in hospital for the past week, not that you would care.

I didn't bother responding. My guy instinct told me it was a way of trying to gain some sort of sympathy from the family and worm her way back in. My mother was getting a lot of private calls during that week (which is another act from my sister dished out to all of us). Them private calls happened at times where it would indicate that she is working during the day. As in after 5/5.30 pm.

If its true, goodness knows what's she was in about. I wonder would it be self harm? I suppose no body knows really expect for her.

I have BPD and nothing brings my mood down harder than seeing anyone who is slightly unpleasant being armchair diagnosed with the disorder.

^ This.
What would change from giving her a label? It doesn't sound like BPD from my experience either.

Can't you block her number on your old phone so the messages don't arrive?

I have BPD. Life is very black abs white for people with BPD, I tend to think the entire world (my loved ones included) hate me, can’t stand me and wish I was dead. I think my friends talk about me behind my back, my dh is cheating etc. It’s all very me me me even though it’s negative. It sounds as though your sister has cast you and the family into the group of hating her, wanting her dead etc and is acting upon that. But having BPD isn’t a licence to treat people badly, despite all the intrusive negative thoughts in my head I fight hard not to let them influence how I treat people. Therapy and counselling have helped me learn that those thoughts are just in my head, not every person I interact with hates me or judges me. If your sister really does have BPD therapy will help. Resources and info on BPD are incredibly lacking, I’m very lucky to have a supportive and understanding gp and I am so so grateful for my family and dh sticking by me. I don’t think it’s fair to armchair diagnose her but if it really is BPD she needs help. I know she seems like she is acting with venom and hatred and it’s incredibly destructive. It’s a destructive mental illness. I’m not suggesting you forgive her or reach out, I’m just trying to say however vile she is being please try not to take it personally. With my BPD (before therapy) I could hate my mum or the milkman, neither was more meaningful than the other.

Sorry, I don’t think I’ve explained that very well. What I meant by the last line was that I could automatically decide the milkman/postman/cashier hated me within the blink of an eye. It didn’t have to be anything they said, it’s mostly that I can’t read facial expressions. So if someone smiled at me, I could either interrupt that as angry, sarcastic, pity etc. And then I used to walk away and build on that, that cashier or whoever thinks I’m the worst person ever they know everything about me, they hate me, they’re laughing at me. And that could be apply to anyone from a stranger to my mum. One week I’d know I was loved the next is misinterrupt a face or a text and know they hated me. And those were all very real, painful feelings. Cbt and dbt helped me so so much.

As a BPD sufferer this is quite insulting. We're not all manipulative liars out just to cause pain like your sister seems to be. BPD sufferers tend to be far more sensitive and take criticism very much to heart, but are incredibly caring and loving, just too much for their own good and are self destructive rather than taking it out on others. We feel our emotions far more than the average person, your 'normal' hurt and stresses are utterly devastating and disastrous to someone with BPD.

It causes people to see things very black and white, including how they view people, their knight in shining armor could make the smallest slight and the opinion of them will swap to the other end of the spectrum. If your sister did happen to have it and she has this huge grudge against the family, something/one has deeply offended her and they are now the villain in her eyes. I'd be looking elsewhere other than just blaming BPD when she's never even seen a professional herself, your friend can only give you her 'professional opinion' based on your bias information.

I wonder, with BPD, would it be possible for some people with the condition to lash inwards onto themselves and then perhaps for others they lash outwards.

Of course it can, but a huge part of the diagnosis for BPD is the self-destructive behaviour. BPD is self-destruction. We don't have the ability to react accordingly to our emotions and take it out on ourselves.

The reasons for the way your sister is behaving (and whether or not she chooses to pursue a particular mental health diagnosis) is really for her to pursue if she chooses to at some point.

What is it that feels reassuring about having this putative diagnosis from your friend? Does it offer a way to forgive your sister, or are you hoping for an approach how to manage her? Does it offer a comfort that somehow all of this is nobody's fault? This is what I'd be asking myself.

I'd move from 'why?' to 'how do I deal with this?' She lives in another county so at least she's not physically in your face - what responses/approach have you agreed with your family? Are there people you just need to let know about her? Could you seek counselling to work out how best to manage this situation? You really can't control her, so you just have to do your best in managing your life with this in it.

I feel sorry for your sister. Isn't it awful how people kniw people are unwell and jyst give up on them

Tryingtoforgeanewlife

My old phone doesn't have that option. I might stick the sims card into my new phone at some stage and see if I can block her number on my old similar card that way. It's only partial solution because she has proven if she can't get me one way, she will try another way.

Wellfuckmeinbothears

Thanks for throwing light upon so much here. Something you wrote nearly brings it all home to me....'memememe and its all negative'.

My sister is a lot like this. Many people has described her as self absorbed.

One instance at home, I had a new niece born and my mother a new grandchild. The first in the family and it was exciting times. My sister had fallen out with our brother, the daddy before that and shut herself off from that event. My mother had some photos of her grandchild up and my sister took offence because there was no picture of her to be seen. There were no pictures of others either but she focused on the 'wheres me'. There was no offence meant and three years later she is still holding that to heart against our mother and allowing it to blacken her soul.

@SMJyellow I did the exact same thing with my dear mums 50th. Before the event I had alienated myself by saying some unforgivable things. My whole family attended my mums 50th (as they should have) and after there were an awful lot of photos on Facebook of the women in our family ie; my mum, aunt, cousin, sister etc. I was so upset at seeing those photos. It took an awful lot of therapy and perspective for me to understand the only reason I wasn’t in them was because of my own actions. I behaved appallingly, yet even on the day had I turned up my mum would have welcomed me with open arms. It wasnt that I wasn’t invited or wanted, I had made it all about me in an awfully negative way.

BPD is an illness. It’s very painful abs destructive but it is NOT an excuse to behave badly. However difficult or painful if may be treatment is the way forward. I’m very lucky to have such an amazing family.

(Not sure why my phone keeps auto correcting and to “abs”...I can spell I promise!)

Sweaty mouse

'something/one has deeply offended her'

Another poster has pointed out, you don't have to do anything for then to take offence. That other poster was busy organising her fathers funeral.

The family at home are not responsible for my sisters emotions and happiness.

It’s also worth saying that, as with most mental illness, there are many different shades. I can be a liar, I can be manipulative but I can also have bucket loads of empathy. I’m endlessly loving and supportive and thoughtful. There are many many shades of my BPD x

Wellfuckmeinbothears,

I think you are fantastic for facing up to your demons and seeking help. You come across as a lovely, understanding caring person who has overcome so much.

For my sister, she will be on her own to face up to her issues. Not because we want to block her out from the family. We just don't have time for her drama. There's only one person speaking to her and I'm afraid, she probably won't take it very well at a suggestion of talking to her doctor.

Thank you, that’s really kind of you to say. My BPD won’t go away, I’ll always have to live with it but I am so grateful for the support I have both medically and personally.

I know you say that now, and I understand you can never forgive what she has said or done. But give it time, don’t forgive her now, or even ever, and don’t give it head space. But it may be in 5 years time she will access help and support and even though your relationship will never be the same you may find some peace in knowing she has acknowledged she is unwell. You don’t ever have to forgive, just try not to take what she has said personally. If she does have BPD, while it’s unforgiveable, what she has said is only real in her head. She’s speaking/acting upon feelings that may only be real to her.

@Wellfuckmeinbothears has explained very fairly.

My issue with the post is BPD (especially on MN) gets an incredibly bad rep, we're instantly tarred with the 'psycho' brush and people jump to diagnose it if someone is acting horribly/selfishly. It's an incredibly complicated illness, you couldn't imagine the daily turmoil it can cause us (and I don't use the word turmoil flippantly). We criticize everyone's actions (however small) and intentions, there's a constant fear of rejection and it is exhausting.

You seem to be basing your sister's supposed BPD on her just being cruel to the family - there's no mention of her self harming (except you suspect she did for sympathy), bad romantic relationships, being impulsive/acting dangerously (i.e. drink/drugs/fighting/gambling) or any childhood trauma/abandonment that is usually the catalyst for BPD. And then there's her feelings you wouldn't know about, the constant emptiness and worthlessness, not having a sense of self, the injustice she feels in her life, fear of not being accepted and desperation for love and stability.

No harm or insult was meant by being busy but she got up on her high horse and didn't want to understand. - if your sister truly does have BPD, she's not up on her high horse, it's not that didn't want to understand, it's the complete opposite. In her head it was an insult that she's took it very personally, to her it's utter rejection. It doesn't sound like you've done anything to try and help that, by ignoring her you'll be making her worse. I'm not dismissing how hard it is for you, but your attitude is completely detrimental to her - IF she does even have BPD. There's no excuse for the accusations against your brother, I'd look further than just blaming her being vile on this.

I think I might have BPD but I never act like that.

What would you do with a diagnosis anyway?

@Sweatymoose that’s very true. Living with BPD is living in constant turmoil. And yes most of the harm is self harm. I turn everything in on myself.

BPD usually relates back to past trauma, it is strongly linked to complex PTSD. Your sister talks about abuse, perhaps not from your brother but have you considered that she may have abused, sexually or otherwise? This could all be a reaction to years of pent up distress and anguish.

And shame on your friend. So many so called health professionals are quick to judge (and labelling someone with BPD is a judgment) without knowing anywhere near the full STORY. BPD has the stigma it does because of ignorant people like your friend.

Bombardier,

My friend didn't judge or jump and label with BPD. She said to read up on group b personality disorders just for my benefit so that I can gain an understanding. My friend never mentioned BPD.

After reading up on group b personality disorders, BPD seems to be very fitting.

She makes everything about herself in a negative way.

Her thirst for punishment and revenge is never ending.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

I wrote in my opening post, that my sisters latest stunt is using my old phone number and message apps and contacting family making it appear like messages are from me.

Yesterday my mother got a message with
'I love cock up my ass'.

You tell tell me what's right about any of that?
It's designed to degrade and humiliate and that's all that is.

she does sound unwell, but I don't see how an armchair diagnosis of BPD will help.

She makes everything about herself in a negative way.

Her thirst for punishment and revenge is never ending.

Her anger is as fresh today as it was three/four years ago.

None of that sounds like BPD. Stop perpetuating a horrible stereotype by armchair diagnosing someone with BPD.