Sexless marriage...trapped...think I love another man

[StayorLeave]

Regular user but name changed so as not to out myself.

Please don't flame me for this... I'm desperately trying to do the right thing.

Married 6 years, 2 DC under 6, no sex for over 3 years. There's no spark... I don't want him to touch me and he doesn't seem bothered, although he does say he loves and fancies me... But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

I met someone at the beginning of the year who made me feel things I didn't realise I could. Once I realised I couldn't go on living a lie, I told DH that I wanted to separate.

He was devastated, and begged me to stay for the kids and to keep the family together.

We "separated" for a few months, still under the same roof but me on the sofa and spending the occasional night at a friend's or relative. We had some counselling, and agreed to try and give it another go, but the moment I agreed to it, my heart sank and I felt trapped all over again.

I've tried not to see the OM, but I miss him, and he misses me. I tried to block him, delete his number etc, but bumped into him the other day and my heart just exploded (I'm well aware of how cheesy that sounds...! )

So I don't know what to do. DH will be devastated if I leave, and I'm not financially viable to go anywhere - I can't afford the rent and deposit on anywhere, let alone somewhere that the kids can stay. And if I'm the one that leaves then he'll be in a much better place to take custody of the kids.

But do I sacrifice my possible happiness with the OM for the sake of my kids, and live a lie with my DH? I'm completely stuck and could do with some good advice.

This probably isnt going to be a popular opinion but here goes. If your children are happy and your DH is a good man. I dont think you deserve to put your happiness above theirs. You chose to get married to this man and have children. Till death us do part. You loved him once all of those qualities must still be there. Im sorry but your being selfish you should stay and do everything humanly possible to make it work.
Why no sex it needs to be explored with a councillor. Youve had your head turned but the grass isnt greener. You made your choice I think you should stick with it. Sorry.

*The fact is I’m desperately unhappy and have been for a long time. I’ve spent the last year or so trying to work at my marriage.

Regards the house, I meant family home as for the kids - it’s the only one they’ve known. DH bought it in his name before we were married but when I was expecting DS1.*

If you are very sad, leave. What does staying achieve? Really -- what does staying achieve?

He will have to pay you a proportion of the value of the marital home and pay maintenance

Rainy has it spot on.

Your answer OP, is leave. Make your own way and your DH will be ok and probably thank you in the long run when he's met someone new.

There's no spark... I don't want him to touch me and he doesn't seem bothered, although he does say he loves and fancies me... But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

You almost sound like you want him to try something, but you said you don't want him touching you. He probably knows this too, and so he's giving you what you need. If he were fighting with you over sex, it would just make it worse.

He sounds like a decent bloke, but you can't help how you feel and there's no point staying in a dead marriage. Be kind to him in the divorce. Be aware that the pattern that played out with your husband is probably going to repeat itself with this new bloke too.

By going back you just gave him false hope
He deserves more than that
It all catches up with us in the end

But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

Nobody wants to be rejected. He knows it's pointless trying.

Someone mentioned Maslow being irrelevant... I disagree. After you have your basic needs met (Good, shelter and clothing) most people look for more and need more.

Wanting and needing love/intimacy is a valid reason to end a relationship.

I just see what looks like so little effort made in many marriages these days. It's like wedding vows mean nothing. I wonder if it's due to people rushing into marriage and knowing it's not the best decision at the time.

I wonder if it's due to people rushing into marriage and knowing it's not the best decision at the time.

People put more thought into marriage now. The marriage rate is lower and the age of first marriage higher than ever. But divorce is now far more accepted and legally available (although its still a hard decision). What you didn't see when the divorce rate was far lower was all the people in miserable marriages who simply stuck it out because that's what was expected.

Rainy...................and when a woman posts that her DH doesnt want sex anymore she is asked if her appearance has changed or if she has put on weight.

OP you say DH couldnt cope with the children without you. Why is that.

Really? I've never seen that. What I have seen in that situation is people suggesting he's getting it elsewhere.

End your marriage if you truly aren't happy,that's what I did and I've never looked back.Life is too short to be unhappy it's kinder to your dh in the long run