Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Sexless marriage...trapped...think I love another man

85 replies

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 16:00

Regular user but name changed so as not to out myself.

Please don't flame me for this... I'm desperately trying to do the right thing.

Married 6 years, 2 DC under 6, no sex for over 3 years. There's no spark... I don't want him to touch me and he doesn't seem bothered, although he does say he loves and fancies me... But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

I met someone at the beginning of the year who made me feel things I didn't realise I could. Once I realised I couldn't go on living a lie, I told DH that I wanted to separate.

He was devastated, and begged me to stay for the kids and to keep the family together.

We "separated" for a few months, still under the same roof but me on the sofa and spending the occasional night at a friend's or relative. We had some counselling, and agreed to try and give it another go, but the moment I agreed to it, my heart sank and I felt trapped all over again.

I've tried not to see the OM, but I miss him, and he misses me. I tried to block him, delete his number etc, but bumped into him the other day and my heart just exploded (I'm well aware of how cheesy that sounds...! )

So I don't know what to do. DH will be devastated if I leave, and I'm not financially viable to go anywhere - I can't afford the rent and deposit on anywhere, let alone somewhere that the kids can stay. And if I'm the one that leaves then he'll be in a much better place to take custody of the kids.

But do I sacrifice my possible happiness with the OM for the sake of my kids, and live a lie with my DH? I'm completely stuck and could do with some good advice.

OP posts:

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 19:00

2boysdad
Sex for two decades would not make any difference to me if i was cohabiting with and loved my childrens father.
I think people who have affairs and leave their kids for the sake of having sex with another adult means that shagging-or making love if you want to euphemise it-are disgusting.
It is a lack of self control which puts the children absolutely last.
If you wamt to do the right thing, leave and find your own place to live, on your own. Get the kids a bedroom, toys, nice bedding. Make yourself stable and let them come to get used to a second home.
Then satiate ypur sex drive last.
Dont act like a sex starved animal and use it as an excuse to expect your husband to leave or give you equity from the house he bought for the family on his own.
I would say that to anyone contemplating or having an affair when kids are involved.
Sex is not a human right or a basic need.

Rainboho · 22/05/2018 19:01

You can and should leave. It will be hard and you are 100% going to be underestimating how hard it is going to actually get at times.

Things could indeed work out with OM, but don’t move in with him. You owe your children that much. Also, gives you time to get the measure of the exW and meet his children.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 19:01

*means that shagging becomes more important than the family unit and kids

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:02

And to everyone insinuating it's justified due to lack of sex or intimacy : when a man posts that his wife isn't having sex with him he's asked what he's done wrong to make her not want it. How many threads full of 'do you do half of the housework' or 'do you make her feel special'?

shakeyourcaboose · 22/05/2018 19:02

I hate doing the 'if a man posted this'.. but if a woman posted, my husband wants to leave me for someone else, and for me to move out of our house, would someone really post how hard it must be for him and that she should move out to a friend's for a few weeks to make it easier for him??

theredjellybean · 22/05/2018 19:04

stayorleave....it is hard to take first step but your dc are quite little, and in future unlikely to recall mummy and daddy living together.
It is far better that you model a happy, good relationship, or being happy single than you stay together unhappy.

My dsds say the worse thing was knowing their parents were so resentful and unhappy yet wouldn't separate....all the rows behind doors, sulks and atmospheres...they were youngish teens at this point

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:14

God this is all such infuriating bollocks.

You don't want your dh to touch you and he's accepted this for three years. On a break, you started an emotional affair with someone else. Now you want out but don't have a house, or savings, or good credit, so you're sticking around. Your poor bloody dh.

Original poster

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 19:14

I didn’t say I was staying because I want the house! Bloody hell.

I AM thinking of my children, which is why I don’t want to take them out of the only home they’ve known. The house is in DH’s name only because I have a bad credit rating. He pays the mortgage and I pay all the bills and contribute equal amounts towards food and children.

It’s not me leaving for a shag. I never said that. Regardless of OM, I don’t love DH, so surely it’s not fair on him to stay?

OP posts:

LeChatDeNuit · 22/05/2018 19:17

What stopped you from leaving your DH pre OM though? It’s a genuine question.

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:18

It's definitely not fair to stay. Just fucking get a move on and stop torturing the poor guy while you dither.

If you were serious you'd already have seen a solicitor and spoken to tax credits/benefits agency about what to expect and your entitlements.

You'll get some of the house, no one here can say how much. If he wants to hang on to it he'll have to buy you out with other assets.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 19:19

Yes bloody hell.
Do the right thing and leave and do it alone and transparently. I'm not sure ypu would if OM wasn't waiting in the wings. You want people to sympathise to justify you leaving your H for OM. Well no that isnt happening.
The sexual excitement is blinding you to the reality. Would you even get a rental with shit credit? You need to be stable for your kids first. Your OP is all about how OM has shown you the light.

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:20

You can do 50/50 care for dc if that's what you both want.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 19:21

Sex really does rule some peoples lives.

Original poster

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 19:22

So RainySeptember, what do you suggest I do? Continue to live with a man I don’t love and making myself more and more unhappy? I don’t WANT to be in this position - you’re making me out to be some kind of money grabbing person, which I’m not - I earn more than DH.

Thanks to all of you for your good advice. I think I’ll leave now as some of you are making me remember why I don’t ask for advice on here. You’re all so quick to judge.

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 22/05/2018 19:25

gosh some posters are holier than thou...chavtastic..have you everheard of Maslow's heirachy of needs ?

And the OP has not had an affair, she has not had sex with OM , and sometimes meeting someone else is a catalyst to show you just how shit your marriage or life is...but according to you lot women must not have these feelings or desires and must stay at home and sacrifice themselves at the alter of mother hood..oh what a load of bollocks

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:26

Well what if you'd never met dh, or he fell under a bus without any assets? How would you be living then, single, bad credit, low income job? Go and do that then, he's not your bank.

Love it when people treating other people in a really shitty way try to paint themselves as the victim. You don't like judgement? Stop acting like a dick.

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:28

Dear god why do people keep banging on about how she shouldn't have to live in an unhappy marriage.

Too right. Her dh shouldn't have to either. Do the right thing and call it a day then.

Original poster

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 19:31

RainySeptember I earn more than DH, he’s certainly not my bank. He’s as financially insecure as I am. Please don’t make assumptions about my life.

OP posts:

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:33

Yes I heard you the first time. But you still need him financially don't you. You can't get a mortgage, saddled with debt?

Otherwise what's stopping you from renting a little place, doing 50/50 childcare until the marriage assets are divided?

Original poster

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 19:37

Because I don’t have a spare grand lying around for a deposit? Some people don’t have that much disposable income. I pretty much live pay cheque to pay cheque - as my DH does.
And yes I am saving for one.

OP posts:

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:38

redklybean, familiar with Maslow but not sure how it relates in this case particularly, seems a bit straw-clutching to me.

And fwiw I'm not judging op for having an affair - although loving someone else can't have helped her marriage - but rather the fact she's sticking around for all the wrong reasons while her dh dies a death by a thousand swords, knowing the temperature of his marriage has changed but not really knowing why, in a competition he doesn't even know about, feeling that his dw cant bear his touch, just plodding on and wasting his life waiting for her to decide whether she can manage financially on her own or not.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 19:41

Redjelly my dad used the same excuse to leave my mum and us to go to another woman, it shatters lives.
Maslow can sod off-it refers to procreation not orgasms. We dont need it like food air or water. It is controllable. Holier than thou definitely not. Puts my kids before my sex life yes-thays how her kids will see it.
Had OP said should i leave an unhappy sexless marriage id have said yes. Slowly, for herself, as amicably as possible with plemty of time for the kids to get used to it. But she didnt. Shes had her head turned and wants the new relationship to go straight to. Thats not the right thing and she knows it.

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 19:44

Ok so you've changed your tune now op.

If you'd started off saying 'I'm saving up for a deposit so I can leave my dh, help me to separate with dignity' you'd have got a lot more support.

But you didn't. You blathered on about your speshul love for om and asked whether you should carry on living a lie with dh because you're not financially viable. That unbelievable and selfish possibility was what I was responding to.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/05/2018 19:46

God this is all such infuriating bollocks.

All of this ^^

Why haven’t you left him already? Oh yes, because you need him financially because he has a house regardless of who earns what. If you earn more then leave and rent somewhere, plenty of people do it on a single wage and if you are truly unhappy then you would do that, surely? Why did the sex end? You say you don’t want him touching you, why is that? That’s not exactly his fault then is it. He is respecting your wishes and still in the wrong? Like I said, if a man wrote what you have he would be told to fuck off out of the home and leave you to move on.

theredjellybean · 22/05/2018 19:47

chav...i cannot see where the op has said she wants to go straight to a new relationship.
i guess we interpret what posters say ..i saw her saying meeting someone else was a trigger point for her in an already unhappy situation.
she has tried to work out her marriage and it hasnt worked. she wants to separate but feels trapped.
she is not having a raging affair with this other person, in fact he seems to not be on the scene at the moment...

Flip

1 2 3 4