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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage...trapped...think I love another man

85 replies

StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 16:00

Regular user but name changed so as not to out myself.

Please don't flame me for this... I'm desperately trying to do the right thing.

Married 6 years, 2 DC under 6, no sex for over 3 years. There's no spark... I don't want him to touch me and he doesn't seem bothered, although he does say he loves and fancies me... But he's really passive and doesn't ever try anything.

I met someone at the beginning of the year who made me feel things I didn't realise I could. Once I realised I couldn't go on living a lie, I told DH that I wanted to separate.

He was devastated, and begged me to stay for the kids and to keep the family together.

We "separated" for a few months, still under the same roof but me on the sofa and spending the occasional night at a friend's or relative. We had some counselling, and agreed to try and give it another go, but the moment I agreed to it, my heart sank and I felt trapped all over again.

I've tried not to see the OM, but I miss him, and he misses me. I tried to block him, delete his number etc, but bumped into him the other day and my heart just exploded (I'm well aware of how cheesy that sounds...! Hmm)

So I don't know what to do. DH will be devastated if I leave, and I'm not financially viable to go anywhere - I can't afford the rent and deposit on anywhere, let alone somewhere that the kids can stay. And if I'm the one that leaves then he'll be in a much better place to take custody of the kids.

But do I sacrifice my possible happiness with the OM for the sake of my kids, and live a lie with my DH? I'm completely stuck and could do with some good advice.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/05/2018 18:04

You and your husband seen intent on staying together for the kids sake, what you really need to do is sit down with him and let the can of worms out, tell him everything, it would make sense at least for you both to have some kind of break from each other, you need to forget the OM for now, he's just complicating your head.

Could your DH not go stay somewhere, a friends, a family member even just for a couple of weeks so you can both think separately.

Whatever you are going to have to decide one way or the other to either stick it out with your DH or be two grown ups and decide what you want to do, he can't keep you with him and vice versa, you are married so it would be a case of dividing up joint assets etc, you are not stuck to him for life with no choice, you can actually change your situation however hard it may seem and may be.

Helpimfalling · 22/05/2018 18:09

Please tell me om isn't married

LeChatDeNuit · 22/05/2018 18:11

Is he married OP? You dodged my question about staying with him.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 18:15

I thought it was his family home.

Maybe he can buy you out. There's always the assumption that the man should move out.

He may need to buy you out. Much depends on the equity in the house and his ability to buy you out.

Also his willingness to sell up may depend on the rental prices in your area.

If you sell and split the equity...what can that amount buy each of you.

This could take a long time and I'm sure you know how people can put off potential buyers when they don't want to sell.

Just be prepared and realise nothing will happen quickly.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 18:17

Could your DH not go stay somewhere, a friends, a family member even just for a couple of weeks so you can both think separately.

Why can't the OP do this?

2boysDad · 22/05/2018 18:20

Good point re: the husband buying out the OP. OP - Would that be enough to clear your debts?

Clearing the debts would also do wonders for the credit rating. Credit Rating Agencies love nothing better than to see a history of debt alongside a history of repayment.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/05/2018 18:24

So you want to leave him due to lack of sex which you cannot force, I understand it can be a deal breaker but our shouldn’t try to take everything away from him because of it. You want the house and the kids and this other man. No, you can’t have it all. He bought the house before you were married so having the house or any money from it or forcing him to sell will put you in a bad light, why should he move away from his kids and his home? He isn’t abusive and isn’t the one who wants to end the marriage. If he roles were reversed he would be told to move the fuck out and end the marriage officially. You don’t need his permission to end the marriage so what exactly are you waiting for? Why did you say you would try again if you aren’t? You said as soon as you’d aid you would try your heart sank, so why didn’t you speak up then and just stop trying? He wouldn’t get full responsibilities but I don’t think he and the kids should have to leave their home, you are choosing to end this to chase a man for sex, you should be the one to move out in my opinion.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 18:25

Have you actually had sex with Om?

Adora10 · 22/05/2018 18:27

2 DC under 6

I'm assuming he works full time and surely leaving the kids in their home is the right thing to do by them?

Unfortunately it's what happens when people split, the main caregiver should be the one that stays with the kids, usually the woman as the man is out working; I don't think the OPs husband is making much effort in the relationship either so the both have to either seriously give it a go or both admit defeat and discuss separation and all that involves.

Yeah unfair on the man but even more unfair on the kids if they are forced out their home.

LunaTrap · 22/05/2018 18:29

OP states that she works full time too, there is no indication who the main caregiver is.

2boysDad · 22/05/2018 18:30

Adora - if you actually bothered to read the thread you would see that the OP also works full time.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 18:33

If you leave to have sex with someone else you should be the one to leave the kids and spouse at the family home

Adora10 · 22/05/2018 18:37

2boysDad: you sound delightful not.

I can see that now, further down, it's not in the opening post, I must be shot immediately.

OP, forget my last post, I didn't realise you were working.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/05/2018 18:37

chavtasticfirebanger I agree with this. Maybe not every situation is black and white but generally this makes sense to me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/05/2018 18:38

It sounds a little bit as though you are rather keen to leave the kids with their father and move on out to a carefree life, OP?

Just remember that you take yourself with you wherever you go. Your relationship with your DH sounds as though it's over, but another man isn't the answer. You need to sort out life alone (with or without your children) before you start to think about integrating someone else.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 22/05/2018 18:39

It sounds a little bit as though you are rather keen to leave the kids with their father and move on out to a carefree life, OP?

I got this feeling too.

chavtasticfirebanger · 22/05/2018 18:43

I think the passion and arousal wouls go pretty quickly once OP has to find a way of housing herself with shit credit and the ugly habits of the OM start to show (we all have them).
Splitting custody, perhaps paying maintenence. The sex won't seem so important then. You have a good husband and you will regret it if you leave and he finds someone who really loves him and moves them in to your home.
Is a shag really worth it?

2boysDad · 22/05/2018 18:49

Is a shag really worth it?

Except it's not just "a shag" is it?? It's living the next two decades without any kind of physical intimacy.

That's a bitter pill to swallow for most people.

Before we criticise the OP we should ask ourselves what WE would do if we were in that situation through no fault of our own.

theredjellybean · 22/05/2018 18:50

If the OP came on and posted all the story and had not mentioned OM...the MN advice would be leave, you shouldn't have to stay in a sexless marriage etc etc...I have seen endless threads about that .
However because meeting someone else was the catalyst for her to want to leave she seems to be getting a hard time.
Chavtastic....how do you know the OP has a 'good husband' ? this is the husband who is passively allowing her to be miserable and unhappy ...who wont address the issue over their sex life ?
I dont think he sounds good at all, and i don't think you will regret separating OP.

I had an exit affair ( and am with the OM now ..he is DP and has been for 5 yrs) i also ended the affair and tried to fix things in a dead in the water marriage for the sake of keeping family together for my children. DP and i waited 5 years....both of us separately trying to find the spark , renew our marriages etc etc....frankly it does not always work. The spark has gone out and it is far better for you OP to take decisive action now. Please dont waste yrs being miserable.

Original poster
StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 18:50

Ok will try and answer all questions...

Sorry, didn’t mean to dodge the question about staying with OM... yes at a pinch this could happen. He isn’t married but has an exW and kids. No I haven’t slept with him.

Chavtastic - no I never said I wanted to leave to have sex with someone else. My dH and I have not had sex in an extremely long time, and among many other factors this has made me unhappy. I want to leave because I’m not happy. I’ve already said I don’t know if the OM is the right thing, but he’s clearly a factor or a symptom or something.

I do work full time, as does DH.

I would never force him to move out nor take his kids away, but neither do I want him to take them away from me. I’m not trying to take anything away from him. He’s a good man whom I care about deeply, I’m just not in love with him and it’s not fair on either of us to continue this.

And I don’t have anywhere to move out to for two weeks or so, and my children wouldn’t cope - they are very Mummy-orientated, and he wouldn’t cope with them full time without me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StayorLeave · 22/05/2018 18:53

theredjellybean thankyou for that.

Yes I’m sure if I hadn’t mentioned the OM it would have been LtB all the way, but no, because I actually happen to not be a robot and have feelings for someone else, even though I’m fighting not to, that makes me a horrible person apparently.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 22/05/2018 18:55

well OP , i think however hard it is going to be, you need to go see a lawyer, get accurate advice and then sit DH down and tell him as calmly as you can that you are separating, it is going to happen, and this is what you both need to work out ...that being how are you going to house both of you and the children and arrange joint parental responsibility.

you will need a plan, if your DH is passive about things you may well find yourself no further forward in amonth/yr etc.

so work it out before the talk so if he starts saying ' i dont know' you can say ' well this is one idea..'

that maybe selling the home and buying two separate properties, it might be him buying you out and you using money for deposit on second property etc..

LeChatDeNuit · 22/05/2018 18:58

If you hadn’t have met OM do you think you would be separating? What was stopping you from separating before you met him?

RainySeptember · 22/05/2018 18:58

I know this isn't helpful but bloody hell just listen to yourself op. You don't love your husband, you don't want to be married, you've got another man in the wings. Yet you're staying (for now) because he owns the house. Heaven forbid that anyone should ever say that about me - I'll stick around because she owns a house.

You could've ended your marriage with decency and integrity but chose not to, so how about finding a bit of dignity and finding a way to work and support yourself?

As a practical point, since you're married, the house will be sold to make sure you can both house yourselves (unless there are other assets he can give you instead). You will probably get more than 50% of the equity since I assume dc will live with you, but you need legal advice. Tbh you needed legal advice ages ago, before you started fucking around with someone else.

MarieG10 · 22/05/2018 18:58

Attila. Why would your H get (full) custody of his children?. That is mere supposition on your part as well as wrong. Seek proper legal advice.

Why wouldn't he get custody? These matters are a lot more equal now (in theory). The reason why more women currently get custody is more work part time or stay at home, which the better supports their argument to be the primary carer. If the OP works full time I'm afraid all bets are off unless the children are of an age to express a preference which quite frankly is one of the most awful things to impose on them.

Re the house being in his name. This is not necessarily an issue, but the fact that he owned it prior to the marriage may have an impact on the division of assets but the details will be very complicated and require detailed legal advice.

You need to decide with a clear head and not the distraction of the OM whether you marriage is salvageable and if not then end it and give yourself clear space to get sorted without another man being in the scene causing you all sort of complications and upset