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Relationships

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Original poster

why he doesn't want to marry me

53 replies

Carolec71 · 22/05/2018 00:48

I have been with my partner for 4 yrs and have a child together but it is really starting to annoy me I have tried to talk to him about it he says that he will one day but hasn't said anything about it. am running out of ideas I have even gone to leaving hints around the house. but nothing is working

OP posts:

FissionChips · 22/05/2018 00:53

Ask him to marry you or just say you’d like to set a date.

You have a child, it’s daft to act the virgin waiting for him to ask.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 22/05/2018 00:59

Some people just never want to marry

PremierNaps · 22/05/2018 01:02

You can't force him into marriage. Some people don't want to get married, perhaps he truly wants to wait. I can bet the more you nag and leave hints the more he's going to wait.

foxyliz26 · 22/05/2018 01:11

start acting mysteriously , buy a new top, wear a different perfume, and stop pressurising him, he needs to think he has competition

(don't say anything) he will start to panic , probably thinks he has done enough, he needs shaking up

I suggested this to one of the gilrs who works for me, she got married within months

worth a try , good luck

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/05/2018 01:27

Really?! “Don’t nag”. “Dress up so he thinks you’re cheating on him”. Is that the best we can do?!

First poster has it right. He’s the father of your child and the man you want to spend your life with. Have an actual conversation with him, don’t leave subtle clues for him to find!

Figure out what it is about marriage that’s important to you. Read up about the protection it offers you as parents and homeowners etc and then either agree a date or accept that he will surprise you on a date as yet unspecified if you want to play that game.

If he’s not keen you need to ask why. And again, if you understand what each of you stands to gain vs just living together, maybe you can explain it to him and sway his opinion on marriage.

If it’s not for him after exploring it all then I guess you have a decision to make. Do you love him enough to stay with him even though he doesn’t love you enough to commit when he knows it’s important to you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/05/2018 01:32

I agree with "We agreed we would get married so I want to set a date , I was thinking next July (or whenever)"

Forget game playing, you need to know and as he clearly isnt going to propose you need to lay it on the line. Anything other than a clear "yes" tells you all you need to know.

SnowGoArea · 22/05/2018 01:34

Blimey. That friend may have got married in months but it was essentially borne out of jealousy. Hardly a bedrock for a strong and lasting marriage! Fine if a wedding is your goal, not advisable if you want a marriage.

Open and frank discussion, but not in an accusatory "why haven't you asked yet" tone, would be my advice. Or ask him yourself as suggested above.

DianaT1969 · 22/05/2018 01:58

I liked the story about the friend! Do men get complacent? I'd love the OP to try this for a month and come back and tell us if it worked.

DianaT1969 · 22/05/2018 01:59

It's no more game playing than someone saying he wants to get married, then not doing it. Whilst knowing his partner is really keen. Keep her dangling... that's a game.

Grasslands · 22/05/2018 02:03

he obviously isn't certain you are "the one" mother of his child or not. and knows that should you two go your own ways it is cheaper on his wallet if you are not.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 22/05/2018 02:07

As others have said, it is silly to go by hints when you have a massive commitment together: a baby.

Honestly, “I will, one day” is bullshit. He either wants to marry you or not. Now, don’t think for a minute that if he doesn’t want to marry you just need to forget about it. If marriage is important to you, the fact that other people are happy staying unmarried is absolutely irrelevant to you.

If you want marriage and he doesn’t you are perfectly entitled to leave a man, who wants to keep his option open and his family unprotected, to build you own safe nest for your kids, with another man or on your own.

People think it is just a paper. It is not, and if he doesn’t want to get married us because he knows how much that piece of paper is worth.

OlennasWimple · 22/05/2018 02:12

Either he never wants to get married or he just doesn't want to marry you

Monty27 · 22/05/2018 02:22

notsure that is very sage advice.
OP if you want to be married and feel secure you might be with the wrong person.
Don't play games. Play mature. Good luck.
It took me 13 years to give up waiting. Don't waste your time. You sound unhappy.

fontofnoknowledge · 22/05/2018 03:56

Why can't people who want marriage not work out that once you have had children you are already on the back foot ! Don't have children before marriage.

Just ask him OP. If he says no, you know what he really thinks. Was baby planned ? If not think your chances are even slimmer. Plenty of men out there stupid enough not to take control of their own fertility and feel guilty when baby is on the way, so stick around. It doesn't mean they have chosen you, it means circumstances have left you both together. So many women under the illusion that having a baby with someone makes them more committed. Afraid not - when lack of a legal contract still leaves all their assets in tact and so easy to walk away with only maintenance to pay.(and that is a piece of piss to avoid/manipulate)

My best friend lived with her partner for 26 yrs and 4 kids. He didn't 'believe ' in marriage. He left her for a 26 yr old. Who he married within 12 weeks of meeting. Making her the joint owner of my friends home.
Turns out he did 'believe' in marriage. Just not with the mother of his children.

Copperbonnet · 22/05/2018 04:31

start acting mysteriously , buy a new top, wear a different perfume, and stop pressurising him, he needs to think he has competition

That has to be among the very worst advice I’ve ever seen on MN.

You are an adult. Have a proper adult conversation.

Decide where your boundaries lie. Where is your line in the sand?

Are you prepared to stay with him long term without the legal and financial security of marriage?

Btw, given that you have a child and aren’t married I really hope you have a job. If you don’t you need to find one, you are very vulnerable otherwise.

Laineymc7 · 22/05/2018 04:38

It’s a hard one. I felt like this for a while. We’ve been together 6 years and 2 kids and I used to moan about it a lot. Then a year a year ago he proposed. I honestly thought it would never happen and all this “I’ll do it one day was a load of bull”. It wasn’t he just took a bit longer than normal. We have a date set for the wedding and it’s all planned now. I’d have a heart to heart with him about it again and explain how important it is to you.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 22/05/2018 04:47

Grow up and ask him. Tell him. Say you’re a family now, you carried his child and you expect the legal security that comes with being part of a family. It may seem cold and unromantic but let’s face it, at this point that’s what the marriage is about. You’ve done the rest and you just want to tick this off. Sit down, suggest some dates, how big it should be, and roughly who’s invited. That’s if you need the wedding. Otherwise just get the paperwork going. If he refuses to discuss it then you can discuss why he so desperately wants to keep his options open.

MarieG10 · 22/05/2018 06:07

Are you prepared to stay with him long term without the legal and financial security of marriage?

What this means for a significant number of men is that they end up hugely financially disadvantaged if they divorce and it is well known. The meal ticket for life scenario has gradually moved towards an expectation of more self reliance...usually for the woman but still seems to produce some strange financial outcomes especially with 50/50 parenting.
The outcome is that some men vote with their feet and won't marry. Why would they when you have a house and family so nothing changes for them but the woman who becomes a stay at home mum does as once out of the jobs market becomes disadvantaged. If marriage matters to you then having children etc would be better doing after you marry... and if he won't then you have a choice

DownTownAbbey · 22/05/2018 06:09

As pp have said don't wait for a proposal because you could be waiting forever. Have a chat and suggest you set a date. Plan your counters to potential objections, e.g. 'It's too expensive' ('we can get married at a registry office, just us').

If he sulks and says 'you've ruined it, I wanted to propose when I'm ready ' ignore. He was in no hurry. You haven't blown a 'romantic gesture '. If he tries this put-off ask him if he's bought a ring? No, so it wasn't happening this year! You are not forcing him to marry you by forcing the issue, just trying to work out whether he's stringing you along with 'one day'.

If he won't set a date- even one 2 years away- you know he doesn't plan on marrying you. Do not have any more children with him - he doesn't intend that you have the protection marriage affords. The world is full of women who's DP 'didn't believe in marriage ' when they left then marry the woman they left for.

SoapOnARoap · 22/05/2018 07:19

I can’t see what the incentives are for him here.

It sounds like he genuinely doesn’t want to, which is totally his right, he’s going to put himself in a terrible financial situation if you split after marriage.

You have the option of walking, if marriage is so important to you. It sounds like you have different wants & beliefs

Scott72 · 22/05/2018 07:28

What this means for a significant number of men is that they end up hugely financially disadvantaged if they divorce and it is well known.

Exactly. He may not be afraid of marriage, but he would be afraid of divorce. If he has more net savings and assets than you, then he stands to lose should divorce occur.

But what actual, concrete benefits will he gain from marriage? You have to try and find some if you want to get married. And not just "I'll never leave you", because that's what everyone who gets married says, and yet the divorce rate is ~50%.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/05/2018 07:30

Has this got anything to do with the house being in his sole name?

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2018 07:35

As others have said, it is silly to go by hints when you have a massive commitment together: a baby

That commitment is to the child. Not each other.

I agree with rhe posters who said talk to him. You can't force him to marry you if he doesn't wish to. Explore his reasons why he doesn't want to get married.

And don't play games like trying to fool him into thinking your cheating. That's awful advice. And could heavily backfire and end the relationship. Just talk to him.

If he doesn't wish to get married then you need to accept it.

TooTrueToBeGood · 22/05/2018 07:40

If you have a child together and see him as your lifelong partner surely you can just talk it through like adults. Talk. Tell him why it's important to you. Encourage him to be open about his views and preferences. Playing coy games is for kids, marriage is for grown-ups.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 22/05/2018 07:47

Pretend your cheating on him to get a ring? How grim. What a sad and manipulative way to get someone to marry you.
I'd rather not be with someone I had to fool into marrying me.
I believe after 4years and a child already, if he's not making some moves towards it then it's not going to happen.

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