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Original poster

why he doesn't want to marry me

53 replies

Carolec71 · 22/05/2018 00:48

I have been with my partner for 4 yrs and have a child together but it is really starting to annoy me I have tried to talk to him about it he says that he will one day but hasn't said anything about it. am running out of ideas I have even gone to leaving hints around the house. but nothing is working

OP posts:

UndomesticHousewife · 22/05/2018 07:58

We had 3 dc and he didn't care about marriage as it wasn't important to him however it was to me not least for financial reasons, so we had a serious conversation and I told him how I felt and we were married 9 months later.
You need to have a conversation with him and he should listen. You don't need to float about pretending you've got someone else that's ridiculous

BeyondThePage · 22/05/2018 07:58

Do you want a marriage, or do you want a wedding?

If you just want to be married tell him, get a date set between you, go get married - or not if he doesn't want to - one way or another you will know.

If you want "a wedding" then it gets more complicated.

MorrisZapp · 22/05/2018 08:01

Try a new perfume? Molly Parkin, is that you?

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 08:07

Why can't people who want marriage not work out that once you have had children you are already on the back foot ! Don't have children before marriage.

I agree with this.

stop pressurising him, he needs to think he has competition

I've also seen this work.

The thought of another man seeing their child more than they do might have something to do with.

They also realise that just because you have a child together, doesn't mean you'll stay put if you don't get married.

As much as men think women 'trap' them by having kids. Some men also think once you have the child they can do whatever they want and you won't want to break up the family.

Be very prepared to walk away from a man who isn't serious about marriage, if that's something you want.

n0ne · 22/05/2018 08:47

I always hate to see these posts saying if he wanted to marry you, he would have already. That's not always the case, some men just take their sweet time getting round to stuff. My DH finally asked me to marry him after 6 years together when our DC was 6mo. I'd mentioned it a few times over the years, proposed to him twice (!), but he just wasn't ready. He reassured me each time that he absolutely wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, just didn't want to get married.

I agree with the pp that said lay out all the reasons you want to get hitched, including the legal ones, and just have an adult conversation about it. Maybe he's worried you want a massive expensive fairytale thing and that's scaring him off. Maybe he doesn't like being the centre of attention. Give him a chance to explain himself.

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2018 08:53

Some men also think once you have the child they can do whatever they want and you won't want to break up the family

Who the hell wants to marry that guy?

user1486956786 · 22/05/2018 08:55

Surely if you've had a child together, at some point you've at least discussed views on marriage? Just bloody ask him what he thinks!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/05/2018 09:29

You already have a lifetime commitment together. He could keep you dangling for a wedding ring indefinitely.

Does he think having a baby with you was some kind of test run? See how you function as a family unit?
Explain you'd like to know what's holding him back so you can work towards this together and not be unhappy feeling like he's just leaving you hanging.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 09:37

My DH finally asked me to marry him after 6 years together

Thing is some women aren't prepared to wait this long. I certainly wouldn't have.

I'm not hanging around for 6 years for someone to be ready and decide if I'm the one...when I've already decided he is the one. Unless of course I was very young... as in late teens. I wouldn't wait from 23 to 29.

There are also many men who have said what your DH did and after so many years they left...and in some cases got married to another woman in under 2 years.

Totally wasting the woman's time and in some cases her fertile years are gone.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 09:54

Explain you'd like to know what's holding him back so you can work towards this together

Mmmm. You see if I have to start getting explanations to work towards marriage....it sounds too much like begging and persuasion.

If a man wants to get married he will. He doesn't need a woman to explain the legal reasons or anything else. If he has half a brain he will understand that.

With all his riches and status Harry proposed to Meghan within 18 months. When you know...you know.

Unless he still has some growing up to do or wants to do certain things before he gets married.

Nobody should be pressured into marriage. It needs to be what he wants.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 22/05/2018 09:59

I always hate to see these posts saying if he wanted to marry you, he would have already.

People say it because generally it seems to be the case. Yes of course there are exceptions, I've heard of women waiting 10 or 15 years! But personally I wouldn't be willing to wait that long if it was something important to me.

RubberJohnny · 22/05/2018 10:38

@SandyY2K

With all his riches and status Harry proposed to Meghan within 18 months. When you know...you know.

He'd also asked Cressida and Chelsy too. Meghan was the one who said yes.

Overthehedge00 · 22/05/2018 10:52

I’m always torn about this situation.

My DCousin has always been “by the book”. She had a mortgage (alone) from age 25, she has a fantastic job, paid her own way through uni then a masters. She wanted marriage then kids. She left her last BF because, after 3 years, he didn’t want kids. She then got with her new guy. After 2 years she started “leading” to an engagement. They discussed it and he bought the ring etc etc. She chose the ring herself. They then got engaged (after months of her dropping not-so-subtle hints). She immediately bought magazines and began planning. Spent £25k (her and her parents went 50/50) on the wedding, sent out the invites and was preparing. Just before Christmas he filled in the menu choices that morning, went off to work and never came back. His dad came to collect his stuff a week later and that’s it. He’s gone. Never even had a conversation with her about it. His reasons (given to friends) were that she was controlling, pushed him into the marriage and then forced him along with it and he never actually wanted a wedding.

So personally I would either wait for him to ask or walk away if you can’t live without it. I personally don’t think pressuring/hinting would help.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 22/05/2018 11:09

I've been engaged 3 times but have never married.

All 3 times it was my partners wanting to marry me and asking me. When it came to actually setting a date then all the effort was coming from me. I wanted us to arrange it together not me sorting everything out.

My last ex had very set ideas and wanted an expensive wedding. He wouldn't have a cheap wedding yet wouldn't budget for what he wanted.

Eventually I told him I wanted to be married and looked at a very basic marriage. He wouldn't commit and dumped me soon after. He is now with someone else and they are set on getting married very soon.

I wasn't the 'one'.

Zebra31 · 22/05/2018 11:32

Just ask him op. Have the conversation. You have a child no point messing around. You are better knowing now whether marriage is on the cards for him. And if it’s not at least you can make an informed decision on your future relationship with him. You don’t want to wait and find out 10 years from now that he never wanted to marry you.

I was with my ex for 11 years. I cared for him (thought I loved him) but it wasn’t until he asked me to marry him that I realised I didn’t want that with him. We broke up soon after. I met and was engaged to DH within 18 months of the breakup.

If marriage is that important to you Op then you are better finding out now if his wanting the same thing.

Loopytiles · 22/05/2018 11:36

Your cousin’s ex could have said at any point that he didn’t want marriage, hedge. You seem to imply your cousin was at fault.

OP, hope you work full time or have plenty of your own money since you have DC but don’t have the legal/financial protection of marriage.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 11:43

@RubberJohnny

He was with both those Ex GFs longer than he was with Meghan...but my point is that he knew he wanted marriage. I haven't heard that he wanted to marry Cressida...but that's irrelevant as it's only what you hear in the media.

Anyway...there's lots of Royal wedding threads..I don't want this to turn into one.

StormcloakNord · 22/05/2018 11:45

exP and I had a DD together and he never wanted to marry me. Always said "there's plenty of time" "I'm not ready yet" etc.

Note "ex".

Scott72 · 22/05/2018 12:25

With all his riches and status Harry proposed to Meghan within 18 months.

Harry has much less to worry about in the event of divorce than the average man. His family's wealth is untouchable. He can personally afford a generous settlement to Meghan and not take any serious long term financial damage.

Overthehedge00 · 22/05/2018 12:30

@Loopytiles Odd you took that from what I wrote Loopy, actually I dont think my cousin was at all :). Its 100% on him. I was just trying to be diplomatic as my opinion of him doesnt really matter and wasnt relevant. What happened is relevant to explain why Im apprehensive. I think hes weak and pathetic for not saying no. She is so organised but she isnt a bully. He humiliated her and cost her a lot of money. Even down to him doing the menu that morning - just why? I would love to know at what point he decided no. But shes too proud to ever ask (which is fine). He could have, at any point, said no. He chose not to. And now plays the victim. He actually now has a new gf and they went "facebook official" 4 weeks after he left my DC .

Adora10 · 22/05/2018 12:35

start acting mysteriously , buy a new top, wear a different perfume, and stop pressurising him, he needs to think he has competition

Terrible advice but my it did make me laugh.

Just ask him OP!

SoapOnARoap · 22/05/2018 12:54

I was hoping that advice was being ironic Adora

It can’t be genuine surely?

Zebra31 · 22/05/2018 14:22

start acting mysteriously , buy a new top, wear a different perfume, and stop pressurising him, he needs to think he has competition

I missed this. Awful advice. Manipulative mind games to get what you want are not a great start to a marriage IMHO.

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 14:28

@Overthehedge00

Your cousin had a lucky escape. Who would want such a weak spineless man anyway. If he went along with it...You can imagine how easy such a man would be to cheat.

"She pushed herself on me... I couldn't say no" Yeah right.

Harry has much less to worry about in the event of divorce than the average man

It's not just about the money though.

You get low income men with no assets other than a Ford escort from 1990 who don't want to get married.

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 14:29

Will you stay with him if he never wants to get married?

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