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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner a sex addict??

65 replies

Catlady8 · 21/05/2018 07:34

Hi everyone, I’m new here. Apologies for the long post but I have been reading a lot of similar threads to try and get my head around what’s happening and it seems there are a lot of you going through similar things so I hope I can find some support here as I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone about this. Last night I threw my partner of 9 months out of the house because I found out he had an adultwork account and had also been messaging women on that awful site Craigslist for casual hook ups. 9 months seems a very short relationship when I write the words down here but it has been very intense and he has wanted to be with me every day since we met, almost as if he can’t stand to be alone. I had been single for a while before I met him because of trust issues so this is just extra painful as he had actually restored my faith in men with the way he had been treating me. He had appeared to be the most kind and caring partner I have ever had and everyone has been commenting on how devoted to me he was.
A few months ago I had the symptoms of a UTI and the doc hinted that it may be some “other kind of infection” as it was white cells in urine but no urine infection...so he wanted me to get screened at the GUM. I was horrified and told partner and by the way he reacted I knew something had happened so I engineered it for him to go too. I had the all clear amazingly but he tested positive for chlamydia and took the coward’s way out by texting me to tell me that after his work’s Xmas do he had booked a massage with a happy ending and this had “just” been a blowjob. I’m no fool and thought immediately that he was minimising and that it had been more as he would have to be the unluckiest man alive to pick up an STI from one encounter that hadn’t even been full sex. Anyway to cut a long story short I ended up taking him back as he admitted he had developed a porn addiction after a long sexless marriage (ex wife confirms it was sexless) and he struggles with constant arousal. Obviously ever since I have questioned my decision and been very suspicious of his behaviour. Yesterday curiosity got the better of me and I actually bluffed my way through getting him to hand over his phone. I’d read a few threads here about the adultwork website so I told him I knew he had an account, the game was up and he needed to tell me everything. He stammered an excuse about it popping up when he looked at porn and that he might have clicked on it. He handed phone over and I went through his emails and found an Adultwork email from before he had met me saying that as he hadn’t logged in for a while that they were temporarily closing his account. There were also messages to women on Craigslist describing himself and asking to meet. I’ve checked back dates and they were all times when we had a night apart...usually because I was fed up and wanted some space. He of course is saying he never actually went through with it and just got off on messaging the women. A common excuse I see here. I feel absolutely broken over all of this because I am very much in love with him. My head is telling me that he has a problem...maybe I can help him, maybe we can get him some help, but my heart is saying I can’t live with the constant anxiety. Has anyone overcome this sort of thing with a partner or am I kidding myself?

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 21/05/2018 07:35

Run!

numptynuts · 21/05/2018 07:37

And run fast!

Original poster
Catlady8 · 21/05/2018 08:21

I was hoping for more detailed responses!

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 21/05/2018 08:29

You can't trust him and you will never feel secure with him.

Newerversion · 21/05/2018 08:36

Hi!
Firstly, I am so sorry to read this, you must be feeling totally broken.
Unfortunately I have first hand experience of very similar. My ‘h’ developed a prostitute habit after a porn habit. He claimed sex addiction and is now with a therapist- too late for our marriage though.

In my opinion, if he is capable of this so early in then he is a lost cause, there is probably more to his divorce than you know.

One thing I now know that has shaken my belief in all I thought I knew is that so many married or attached men pay for sex workers- so many. It is no reflection on you at all, it just tells you how selfish and damaged he is.

Wolfiefan · 21/05/2018 08:39

Cheating, lying scumbag. Run before its syphillis or HIV he gives you.
That's my more detailed response.

Badoukas · 21/05/2018 08:40

Ditch his sorry arse and don't look back.

Gazelda · 21/05/2018 08:45

You know you need to end it.
You're unhappy, untrusting.
He's a cheat.
You've been sufficiently unhappy to spend a night or two away previously. You split up when you exposed his cheating. You've been together a very short time.
As painful as it will be, you know you need to cut your losses.
Sorry he's putting you through this.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 21/05/2018 08:45

He lies, cheats and gives you infections.
I think that's all the detail you should need to dump his std ridden ass.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/05/2018 08:51

Respect yourself more than this.
WTF would you take back and lying, cheating, scumbag who has absolutely no respect what-so-ever for women and certainly none for you yourself.
Get yourself some help and understand why you took him back and why you continue to consider it.
It's an absolute no-brainer and the fact you are even asking is quite shocking.
Dump him. Block, ignore and delete.
Run, do not look back, do not pass go, do not collect £200 (or another STI)!!!
Honestly, re-read your post.
If a friend of yours told you all this what would you say??

FermatsTheorem · 21/05/2018 08:53

There is no such thing as "sex addiction." What you have is a partner who chooses to put his desire to shag around above his obligation to be faithful to you, and who has demonstrated by his actions that he doesn't give a shiny shit about you.

He won't change, he probably doesn't want to change, he doesn't love you, you can't make him love you by "loving him enough and trying to understand him" (aka being a doormat). You deserve much, much better. That's why the first couple of posters simply said "run.". So I'll add my voice.

Run.

(Oh, and nine months, no kids - good time to bail. Don't let it turn into nine years or nineteen years.)

Original poster
Catlady8 · 21/05/2018 09:00

I’ve actually asked myself that this morning...what would I say if it was a friend? You’re right I would tell them to run a mile. I just feel so broken. I can’t function today. I’m struggling to even find the words to type here to reflect what I’m feeling. I’m supposed to be working but I feel like I’ve been beaten up. I know this sounds pathetic but I’m so worried about telling people I’ve had yet another failed relationship. I absolutely do not believe that there are any men around that aren’t absolute scumbags.

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 21/05/2018 09:01

Is this what you dreamed of, a sex addict for a partner?

I am dubious about the existence of a sex addiction, but even if it were 'true', you are not married, you don't have kids, you have no reason to stay with a man who seeks and uses prostitutes! In the first 9 months of your relationship!

It is not an illness like a broken leg and all attempts to try to rationalize it will make you ill, depressed, anxious and stressed. Also, even if it is a 'genuine' addiction, most addicts relapse, it's known as a chronic relapsing disorder, so basically you have pain and misery ahead.

It's sad to be in love with this man, I think you must have been in love with half of him, but unfortunately the truth is the other half is rotten and you need to protect yourself, physically from STDs and mentally from the head-fuck to stand any chance of happiness.

You do need to move on.

Thespringsthething · 21/05/2018 09:03

Don't tell anyone you've had a 'failed relationship'. It was only 9 months, you weren't married, just say 'he wasn't the one for me' with a bright smile and move on.

It will hurt and it is sad, but not half as much as it would if you stayed in this situation.

You haven't done anything wrong, you dated a guy, fell for him, he isn't the one for you, nothing terrible has happened and no-one would want you to stay with a sex addict/prostitute user just to say you are in a relationship.

If you are genuinely worried what people will think, imagine if they found out he used prostitutes.

evergreen7 · 21/05/2018 09:05

 Thanks for you @Catlady8

I know it must be very tough right now but think about the lucky escape you've had.
A 9month relationship is still quite long but at least you've realised what he is now and can take the right steps, it would be far worse if it was a 5 year relationship with children involved!

Focus on yourself a little and take it all in its stride. There's still men out there that actually have respect for their significant others and yours will turn up too. CakeBrew

Namethecat · 21/05/2018 09:07

Listen to yourself. You haven't failed at another relationship. He failed. You are worth more than this. Leave him to his paid for sex . He can spent a lifetime chasing that ! I'm sure you will find someone who truly deserves you. In the meantime spend time on yourself, doing things you want to do, see friends, family etc.

FermatsTheorem · 21/05/2018 09:09

It's not a failed relationship in the sense that you have done anything wrong. You haven't failed; he has.

And yes it will hurt like hell because you did love him, and you thought he loved you, so you're mourning the loss of what you thought he was, and what you felt (genuinely and sincerely on your part) for him - of course this will hurt. You're allowed to grieve for what you've lost, even if parts of it turn out in retrospect to have been illusory. It doesn't make your feelings any less real.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/05/2018 12:11

Lovely find your self worth and get rid

Before he gives you something that can't be cured 💐

AnneTwackie · 21/05/2018 12:22

He sounds vile. There are some lovely men around, probably wondering where all the lovely women are. Put it behind you and move on, you’re worth more than this Flowers

AnneTwackie · 21/05/2018 12:23

Also, I don’t think you can get chlamydia from a blow job? I might be wrong, sure mn will correct me if I am Grin

AnyFucker · 21/05/2018 12:24

Give over. You can do a lot better than this skeevy git. Sex addict, my arse.

Cockmagic · 21/05/2018 12:27

How about you stay with him?

You might get another sti!

Pretend it's bingo!

SuperSuperSuper · 21/05/2018 16:13

Sex addiction is just an excuse for poor behaviour. Don't tolerate poor behaviour.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2018 16:22

Don't lower your standards for any man. The reason men get away with having a good woman and sex on the side...is that many women give them chance after chance.

Such men need to be single and they can sleep with a million women a night if they want.

You are giving him the honour of being with you and he doesn't deserve it.

Adora10 · 21/05/2018 16:33

Help him, what, help him infect you again, what about HIV, maybe you will get that next time. He's actually rank, putrid and you want to help him, a man that is cheating on you right, left and centre.

That's all I can say, I am actually open mouthed at you wanting to help someone that treats you like dirt, it's him who is dirt, he has no respect for himself, let alone you.