Partner a sex addict??

[Catlady8]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. Apologies for the long post but I have been reading a lot of similar threads to try and get my head around what’s happening and it seems there are a lot of you going through similar things so I hope I can find some support here as I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone about this. Last night I threw my partner of 9 months out of the house because I found out he had an adultwork account and had also been messaging women on that awful site Craigslist for casual hook ups. 9 months seems a very short relationship when I write the words down here but it has been very intense and he has wanted to be with me every day since we met, almost as if he can’t stand to be alone. I had been single for a while before I met him because of trust issues so this is just extra painful as he had actually restored my faith in men with the way he had been treating me. He had appeared to be the most kind and caring partner I have ever had and everyone has been commenting on how devoted to me he was.
A few months ago I had the symptoms of a UTI and the doc hinted that it may be some “other kind of infection” as it was white cells in urine but no urine infection...so he wanted me to get screened at the GUM. I was horrified and told partner and by the way he reacted I knew something had happened so I engineered it for him to go too. I had the all clear amazingly but he tested positive for chlamydia and took the coward’s way out by texting me to tell me that after his work’s Xmas do he had booked a massage with a happy ending and this had “just” been a blowjob. I’m no fool and thought immediately that he was minimising and that it had been more as he would have to be the unluckiest man alive to pick up an STI from one encounter that hadn’t even been full sex. Anyway to cut a long story short I ended up taking him back as he admitted he had developed a porn addiction after a long sexless marriage (ex wife confirms it was sexless) and he struggles with constant arousal. Obviously ever since I have questioned my decision and been very suspicious of his behaviour. Yesterday curiosity got the better of me and I actually bluffed my way through getting him to hand over his phone. I’d read a few threads here about the adultwork website so I told him I knew he had an account, the game was up and he needed to tell me everything. He stammered an excuse about it popping up when he looked at porn and that he might have clicked on it. He handed phone over and I went through his emails and found an Adultwork email from before he had met me saying that as he hadn’t logged in for a while that they were temporarily closing his account. There were also messages to women on Craigslist describing himself and asking to meet. I’ve checked back dates and they were all times when we had a night apart...usually because I was fed up and wanted some space. He of course is saying he never actually went through with it and just got off on messaging the women. A common excuse I see here. I feel absolutely broken over all of this because I am very much in love with him. My head is telling me that he has a problem...maybe I can help him, maybe we can get him some help, but my heart is saying I can’t live with the constant anxiety. Has anyone overcome this sort of thing with a partner or am I kidding myself?

It's obvious by your posts you're still falling for it hook, line and sinker. With mentions of a sexless marriage, his awful mother, bad childhood, he's a lovely person deep down etc etc.
He's using very well known tactics of an abuser.
Love bombing at the start - check
Threatening suicide- check
Develops some 'condition' that absolves him from blame, and an awful childhood to boot - check
Messing with your mind to the point your out of control and throwing paint over his car.
You are now caught up in the cycle of frazzling yourself out rescuing him.
You can't rescue anyone. Ever. Nothing you will do will help this man. He needs to go to counselling and help himself and it be his own decision. Not you setting it all up and making him go.
At the minute you're so caught up in it you can't see the woods for the trees.
Read up on the role of a rescuer in a dysfunctional relationship, and have some counselling yourself to see what you get out of it. And do the freedom programme which will open your eyes to this sort of mans tactics and Fuckery.
Btw, get this man out of your 18yr old daughters home. She doesn't need to be exposed to this sort of drama and mess.

Sorry to hear how things have developed in recent days. You surely don't need this drama and aggro in your life. We appear to all agree that you must cut ties with this bloke. I know you feel somewhat conflicted about this but you either have some pain now or much more further down the road. You're a good woman, we can tell. But don't be anybody's fool, especially his.

Really sorry op but you can't ise sex addiction as an excuse. I have had issues with sex addiction and had to be single or in an open relationship. It doesn't involve lies but it's easy to walk over people.

He has lied repeatedly like it was just a blowjob (that should have been enough anyway) and then meeting women. If his marriage was sexless I bet his cheating started then not after. If he has children he wasn't thinking about them through any of this. If he wants to sleep about fine. He needs to be single. You also are not doing yourself any favours throwing paint and now appeasing him. You've done so well restarting your life. You need to walk away. You will get over him. I can promise you he will continue cheating. He blames it on a sexless marriage but he cheated on YOU. He blames in on porm addiction and accidentally clicked on the other website. He's been doing it for years. He is bringing out the worst version of yourself I'm afraid. Be a better person and leave.

you need to go to the GUM clinic again to be tested and explain to them why and ask for an oral swab too as you can get oral gonorrhea and chlamydia which can be quite prevalent with Craigslist hook ups.

This is all making me feel like such a weak person. I feel ashamed to say I can’t imagine being without him at the moment which is ridiculous as I’d been living alone for 6 years previous to this! I feel like such an idiot

Dont' feel ashamed! This crap is his to feel ashamed about, not yours. And of course you feel emotionally tied to him - that's how a normal, functioning human being feels about their partner, and even when it is revealed that said partner is a lying, cheating shit, normal human beings don't come with an "off switch" to switch off the love that was a central part of what they thought was a fulfilling relationship yesterday, which is now revealed to be an entirely one-way process. You don't work that way, I don't work that way, normal human beings don't work that way. Only sociopaths can switch off their emotions.

What you do have, however, is the ability to choose to walk away from those emotions and let them dwindle with time. But it's not an easy one, and not one accomplished in an instant, or in one fell swoop. There are wobbles and ups and downs along the path, and times when you will feel like shit along the way. It's still the path I'd recommend to you, because the alternative (putting up with a philandering bastard) is one which will eventually leave you feeling like shit all the time.

You have to help yourself, love

And so does he

I have to admit to feeling disappointed that a previously sorted and obviously very lovely woman is exposing her 18yo daughter to all this shit.

Show her how strong women deal with inadequate men like this one. They don't appease, they don't minimise, they don't excuse, they move on

You have to look at it as an abusive relationship.
Of course you feel like you can't do without him, it's not a reflection on you as weak, he's been love bombing you and making you feel responsible for his wellbeing. All of which will mess with your head.
Start reading up on dysfunctional abusive relationships and the rescuers role in it.
Knowledge is power, and will help you make sense of what is happening to you.
At least get him to move out so you can start to think straight, otherwise you'll be caught up in the rescuing cycle.

Read up on Codependency also OP.

I can’t help feeling like the heat has been taken off him a bit now as I can hardly rant and rave at him when he is in this state
Well..... he's good I'll give him that.
He lies, he cheats, he disrespects you, he uses prostitutes so disrespects all women.
He gives you STI's.
Is a porn addict.
Then he manages to have YOU feeling sorry for HIM!
Wow - just wow.
Please don't fall for it.

As AF says.
Show your 18 YO DD that women don't put up with this shit.
That we are strong and independent and we do NOT need a man to validate us or at any cost to us or our own self-esteem.

Read your OP back.
Imagine that's your 18 YO telling you this about her boyfriend.
What is your advice?
I know what it would be.
So why is this good enough for YOU????
Some counselling for yourself might help you look into this.

Also google 'co-dependency'
You may find yourself there.

Come on OP, you deserve better than this. There are lovely men out there, decent men. Find someone who respects and cherishes you. Don't be emotionally blackmailed into staying with this man.

You are being manipulated and the longer you let it happen, the more it will diminish you, cause you to doubt your sanity, eat away at your boundaries, and make you feel desperate. It will turn you into a person you don't want to be.
There are women on this board who have been through that and hope that you can be saved from it. I know you are heartbroken now and I don't say this lightly but it can actually get even worse than it currently is. Dig deep and find the strength, keep yourself and your kids at the forefront of your decision making.

You can't help him change. Being with you will make him think he doesn't really need to. Walk away.

The last sentence of your comment really resonated Megan. Thank you for all of your advice everybody..I wish I could gather my thoughts enough and had the time to respond to each one because so much thought has gone into them and I’m truly grateful that you’ve all responded. It’s not the type of thing you can bring up with friends...well at least I’m not ready to yet so it’s so good to let it out here.

Walk away sweetheart. That's what your friends in real life would say too. We can metaphorically hold your hand while you do.

You deserve much more

You know this

Live it.