Partner a sex addict??

[Catlady8]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. Apologies for the long post but I have been reading a lot of similar threads to try and get my head around what’s happening and it seems there are a lot of you going through similar things so I hope I can find some support here as I don’t feel ready to talk to anyone about this. Last night I threw my partner of 9 months out of the house because I found out he had an adultwork account and had also been messaging women on that awful site Craigslist for casual hook ups. 9 months seems a very short relationship when I write the words down here but it has been very intense and he has wanted to be with me every day since we met, almost as if he can’t stand to be alone. I had been single for a while before I met him because of trust issues so this is just extra painful as he had actually restored my faith in men with the way he had been treating me. He had appeared to be the most kind and caring partner I have ever had and everyone has been commenting on how devoted to me he was.
A few months ago I had the symptoms of a UTI and the doc hinted that it may be some “other kind of infection” as it was white cells in urine but no urine infection...so he wanted me to get screened at the GUM. I was horrified and told partner and by the way he reacted I knew something had happened so I engineered it for him to go too. I had the all clear amazingly but he tested positive for chlamydia and took the coward’s way out by texting me to tell me that after his work’s Xmas do he had booked a massage with a happy ending and this had “just” been a blowjob. I’m no fool and thought immediately that he was minimising and that it had been more as he would have to be the unluckiest man alive to pick up an STI from one encounter that hadn’t even been full sex. Anyway to cut a long story short I ended up taking him back as he admitted he had developed a porn addiction after a long sexless marriage (ex wife confirms it was sexless) and he struggles with constant arousal. Obviously ever since I have questioned my decision and been very suspicious of his behaviour. Yesterday curiosity got the better of me and I actually bluffed my way through getting him to hand over his phone. I’d read a few threads here about the adultwork website so I told him I knew he had an account, the game was up and he needed to tell me everything. He stammered an excuse about it popping up when he looked at porn and that he might have clicked on it. He handed phone over and I went through his emails and found an Adultwork email from before he had met me saying that as he hadn’t logged in for a while that they were temporarily closing his account. There were also messages to women on Craigslist describing himself and asking to meet. I’ve checked back dates and they were all times when we had a night apart...usually because I was fed up and wanted some space. He of course is saying he never actually went through with it and just got off on messaging the women. A common excuse I see here. I feel absolutely broken over all of this because I am very much in love with him. My head is telling me that he has a problem...maybe I can help him, maybe we can get him some help, but my heart is saying I can’t live with the constant anxiety. Has anyone overcome this sort of thing with a partner or am I kidding myself?

He is not who you thought he was op, he is a disgusting man pretending to be a nice one. He is a liar and a cheat, and he has risked your sexual health as well as his own. Thank your lucky stars you found out after only 9 months.

Sex addict - as if addiction means he is ill and not responsible for his choices. But he is accountable for his choices. And it's a habit. You deserve better.

Ending a shite relationship is not failing. It's being a confident mature woman who values herself. Staying in a shite relationship with a serial shagger who makes you feel like shit is failing!

If you haven’t already, you should go to a sexual health clinic and get yourself tested for the full range of STIs including HIV. Although you had that other one, unless they have tested you specifically, he could have given you all sorts that just haven’t shown up yet. Please take your health seriously. He could potentially have given you something fatal. He’s obviously had unprotected sex. He’s vile, unfaithful, selfish, disgusting and utterly yukky. I honestly don’t know how you can even look at him. He could have herpes that you’re risking everytone you kiss him. Have you seen results from clear tests for him? For everything within the last few weeks? If not, you really need to demand he gets tested before you even start to think about anything else.

Hi everybody, thanks so much for all of your comments, I am struggling to organise my thoughts. I’d like to reply to each one but I’ll just say thank you and you have all made very good points. Things took a dramatic turn on Monday night which is why I haven’t commented here sooner. It’s been terrible. After the blow up on Sunday (which was horrific...I didn’t give you the details but I had been screaming and crying and ashamed to say I threw a run of blackboard paint all over his car) he went to his mom’s and stayed up all night then went to work on Monday morning. He was supposed to come here on Monday night to talk to me and I was all ready to tell him to get all of his things and go but I had a text from him on the way saying he couldn’t come and that he was sorry for everything and that he was going to find a “nice place to die”

It was horrendous...I had been on the phone to my freind when the message came through so didn’t see it for half an hour and when I did I immediately tried calling and it was just ringing out and he wasn’t active on WhatsApp or anything. It’s totally out of character for him he isn’t a dramatic person and if anything is always the person calming a situation down. I had no choice but to call the police so I ended up with 2 policemen in the house and according to them the whole of the local force looking for him. On a side note it was terribly embarrassing that I couldn’t think of his date of birth or parent’s names which brought it home to me how new the relationship really is considering how deeply I feel involved with him.

They eventually tracked his phone, they weren’t allowed to do that straight away they had to try friends and family first which seems crazy but it’s to do with privacy law. Anyway he was in his van with hundreds of pills. They almost detained him but after talking to him for ages they brought him here.

It’s all been horrible and I can’t help feeling like the heat has been taken off him a bit now as I can hardly rant and rave at him when he is in this state. I truly believe that he is extremely troubled...he sobbed in my arms last night and told me that he doesn’t know how anyone can love him and that he hates himself. After some gentle probing from me as I have a bit of experience working with traumatised children he’s also disclosed that he witnessed some things as a child that he doesn’t know if he should have..ie doesn’t know how old he was and it all seems to be unravelling. I do know from his ex wife that one of his earliest memories was of being taken out in the car by his dad and being left in there while he was in a house with a woman.

I understand totally everyone’s opinions of his behaviour and as I was listening to myself tell the policemen what we’d argued about I felt like such a fool but I honestly see the good in him and believe that he needs professional help. I have been through infidelity before and left my husband over much less than this...it was mostly texts to an ex girlfriend but the way it was done was so cruel...as if he was enjoying the pain it caused me. What I’m trying to say is that I believe he loves me and needs help. I know this is a long post, sorry.
And having said all that I do feel a little trapped by the situation and very, very low. On a side note after the situation had died down on Monday night I was totally hating men in general as one of the policeman here was a little inappropriate as he kept saying things like “Is he blind???” And when my 18 yr old daughter came into the room he looked her up and down and said “wow you two are like twins but 20 years apart..you’re an attractive family aren’t you?” And he had a wedding ring on not to mention I was distraught and there’s a time and a place! My point is...are all men just totally incapable of not being able to control themselves??? I felt so shit afterwards.

Ah. The ultimate in manipulation.

You've been had, sorry

No need to be sorry! That’s exactly how I feel.

Nothing has changed, love.

One good thing to come out of it was that I have now been able to have a frank discussion with his ex wife as I had to ring her to tell her what was going on (and get his date of birth etc..cringe) and to be honest she sounds like she was very naive throughout their marriage. She did say that it was completely sexless as she just doesn’t have any desire...so that must have been a tough 18 years for him. Not making excuses!! I did feel a bit cross with her yesterday as she was ringing me to say “Have you made him an appointment with the GP? Have you found him a therapist?” I wanted to tell her to fuck off.

I feel bad saying that actually as she is absolutely lovely...it was just my state of mind. What I mean is I just wanted the whole situation to fuck off. She is actually great..and just trying to help as they have a child together and obviously she is concerned about his state of mind and wants to make sure she has some stability

Every time you are upset about his behaviour from now on, he knows that you will roll over as soon as he threatens suicide.

Pack him off to his mum's house. If he needs therapy because of unresolved childhood trauma, then he needs to seek appropriate help.

It's not your job to fix him.

His mom is awful...I’ve met her once and that was enough for me. She’s a real nag...nothing he does is ever good enough...his brother cut ties with her years ago. I feel like she might be at the root of it. He’s booked an initial consultation with a psychotherapist. I’m going to see my GP about some help for myself. It took me years to rebuild myself after my husband’s infidelity...I had to start my life from scratch in a flat with 2 kids after a very comfortable life with him. I went to uni at 35, got a degree, started a business and I work my ass off to keep everything going and now I feel like I’ve been knocked back down into the gutter. Physically I feel like I’ve aged 10 years. I’m not doing any of the things I love...yoga, swimming or anything because I’m just so preoccupied with him.

cheating addict more like

Excuse to cheat - know your worth

Sorry to sound harsh but imho you haven't been invested long enough to justify staying in this relationship. Obs that the ex is concerned for her childs sake. It's exhausting supporting someone in this and will suck the life out if you. He would need years of therapy to make any difference and even then he prob won't change his behaviour. You will be exhausted and be dragged down with him. Discuss the situation with his mum and family and see if they can take him in and support him. This is too big for you to deal with and will not end well for you. Please end it asap.
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His relationship with his mother is also not your responsibility. He's an adult. He can find somewhere else to live. Don't take on his problems.

Sorry for what you are going through. I do believe in sex addiction, my ds's father is like this and I battled with it for years. I'm not with him now thank God and he's still the same - tragic dirty old man in his 60's who always has multiple affairs on the go with married women. Thanks be to Viagra I assume. So I understand that you are heartbroken and looking for a way to mend it. But.... like all addictions he has to hit rock bottom before he can decide to mend himself, and as long as you are there propping him up, he won't. So this is the death knell for your relationship I think. Let him go, let him sort himself out if he can, focus on yourself. You will not be crushed forever my lovely. And not all men are like that - my faith was eventually restored by my now dh who is a brilliant dsd to my son. I too saw that in every man for a while but it's a distorted view. Learn to look for the right type of man - one who may not have the same immediate appeal but has more long term value. Find the strength to do the right thing for the sake of the rest of your life.

My ex was the same, I left him and he took an overdose and tried to hang himself. I refused to go to him as I knew that it was just him trying to manipulate me to stay with him so instead, I called his best friend to go and deal with him. He realised that that technique wouldn't work with me and didn't do it again and I didn't feel guilted into getting back with him.

Leave him and tell his family that he's suicidal. He's not your problem anymore.

Don't fucking buy the 'it's a medical disorder' excuses.

Being constantly aroused and unable to stop thinking about sex IS a medical/psychological issue.

Acting on it by having sex with other women is NOT. It is a choice he has made to CHEAT.

These bastards always have a chain of bullshit excuses about how they are 'really' a victim. I've seen this happen to a close friend of mine - husband was shagging anything that moved and was able to say 'yes', and it got put down to sex addiction, teenage trauma and autism. I have no doubt he is still up to his old tricks behind her back.

I don't care how awful his childhood was, or how fucked up he is - you don't make a decision to put your cock in someone else's fanny when you're in a committed relationship. End of.

Please don't let this situation persuade you to continue with the relationship. My stbx also made a suicide attempt a few years ago just after we'd split and I was so frightened and upset that I agreed to take him back.

5 years later we are now splitting again, and it's even harder than it was the first time - plus i feel like a total fool.

Walk away now. If the relationship is wrong it's wrong - you cannot save it.

What a horrific few days for you.

He won't change you know. It's just manipulation. (And I would imagine 18 years of being tied to a shit like that would leave any woman feeling pretty sexless - imagine the effect on you libido of having the knowledge that your husband chose to screw other women in your face year in, year out for 18 years. As with so many women's mental health issues, I suspect this is a clear case of "cherchez l'homme.")

As PP have said, get in touch with his family - his brother. Next suicide threat - you call the police and his brother. It's not your mess to sort out.

Can I also suggest you do the freedom programme, to work out why you keep putting the needs of the men in your life above your own?

So you’ve now become his mother and therapist? This isn’t your job. You are not obligated to this man!! Get rid and get your life back!

It’s not a long term relationship. The fact that you needed some nights away to give you space says it all. You shouldn’t feel like that after such a short time. You are at a crossroad. Do you want to go down the road of continual uncertainty, suspicion and tearing yourself apart or take off down a new road on the look out for happiness. On that road you will be in charge of your happiness not someone who has a problems which impact on you.

He is not your responsibility. He is an adult that is making terrible choices and dragging you down with him. He's also dragging your daughter down. She's growing up being taught that women should subjugate their own needs and feelings to that of a fucking manchild who can't keep his dick in his pants. If you want her having shitty relationships with subpar men, carry on, otherwise develop some boundaries and do the right thing by you and her and end it.

Doing the right thing doesn't always feel like it, but in this case you and your daughter NEED to be your priority. In what universe is having a man who claims to be an out-of-control sex addict living with an 18 year old girl going to end well for her?

I will never understand why people stay with partners who clearly have no respect for the health of another human being. It's so disgustingly reckless.