Sibling’s engagement making me crazy

[Tailspinning]

I know I will probably get flamed for this because it makes me sound like a jealous bitch but I just need to talk to someone.

Short version: my younger siblings getting married before me seems to have triggered an avalanche of extremely negative thoughts that I can’t shake off. I feel like a terrible sister and a worthless human being.

Long version (and sorry, it is long!): I was in an awful relationship for nine years which ended a few years ago. I won’t go into all the gory details but it was emotionally, sexually and occasionally physically abusive. One of the ways my ex used to torment me was by hanging the prospect of an engagement over my head, hinting that he might be thinking about proposing and then ‘changing his mind’ constantly. Or telling me that he had been maybe thinking about it but that I’d ‘ruined it now’ by doing whatever he happened to be mad at me about that week.

Our relationship ended when he cheated on me, certainly emotionally and possibly physically too. Less than two years later he married the OW. I know - textbook!

Since we broke up, my life has been SO much better. I managed to change careers, get my dream job, and meet the most wonderful man who I’ve been with for nearly three years now. Things are going great at work and I’m achieving things I never thought I would be capable of. I should be so, so happy but my self esteem remains at rock bottom. I do a pretty great impression of someone who really has their shit together, but inside I’m a mess. I’m constantly plagued by thoughts that I’m useless and not good enough.

Last year one of my younger siblings got married and I was thrilled, even though there was the odd comment about how they’d ‘beaten me to it’ from clueless insensitive relatives and the like. It didn’t really bother me at the time as my partner and I weren’t at that stage yet, and tbh I was just grateful that I hadn’t ever married my ex!

However, now my youngest sibling has just got engaged (having been with their partner for just slightly less time than me) and it’s sent me into some kind of crazy spiral of negative thoughts. Sibling is in their early twenties while I’m in my mid-thirties so I couldn’t help feeling like it was ‘my turn’ next. And then I hate myself for feeling like that because of course their relationship is totally separate from mine and I know I’m being ridiculous!

I ended up having a stupid hysterical rant at my partner earlier today about how he clearly never wants to marry me, which is fucking unfair because really I know that he does. A couple of months ago he pretty much admitted that my sibling’s unexpected engagement had thrown a spanner in the works, so I know it must be on the cards but I keep having these horrible dark thoughts that maybe he’s just leading me on like my ex did. Which is really unfair because he is nothing like my ex!

Aaarrgh I don’t even know why I’m posting. Just feeling shit about myself and don’t know who to talk to. I really struggle to open up to anyone in real life about anything like this. People think I’m so cool and calm and ‘together’ and for some reason it’s so important to me that they maintain that impression.

Currently sat here feeling like an awful girlfriend and a crap sister.

:( sorry to hear about your horrible past relationship and happy things are much better now.

I think it's OK to blow off steam and have feelings like this. A bit insensitive of relatives saying 'they've beaten you too it' if they knew what you went through.

Do you feel better after writing it down?

I think your feelings are understandable and it is great that you haven’t taken it out on your siblings. Although a shame you have taken it out in your current partner.

It looks like this event has highlighted to you that you need to work on your self esteem. Maybe try some counselling to work on why it is still so low when you your should be bursting with pride at your many achievements. Eg, out of abusive relationship, retrained, great job.

So much there to be proud of and yet you aren’t. Time to look into that.

why don't you just get married?

It's on the cards? You want to marry him? He wants to marry you? Why are you sitting around waiting for a proposal?

In what way could your sibling's engagement have thrown a spanner in the works?

Marriage is important to you, is it important to your DP? Have you discussed it? If you both want to get married then what are you waiting for?

It's the idea that women should be in a race to get married that's probably driving this. You just need to read these threads to see it's often not a big prize to win. It's more about being happy and having someone you love (such a blessing) and it sounds like your life is going brilliantly.

I agree with the previous post about how big an achievement it is to come out of an abusive relationship and re-invent yourself.

I've no desire to get married, so maybe this slants my post, but I honestly don't understand the desire for it. I am really keen to meet someone I love though! that sounds amazing.

Thank you both. Not many people know about my ex. They all know he was a bit useless and not a great partner but I only really talk about easy, lighthearted stuff like how crap he was around the house or the occasional slightly mean comment. My current partner knows a lot more than that but there are still some things that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say out loud.

DP is being absolutely lovely about what happened earlier, as he always is. He is an absolute saint and is without a doubt one of the best things that’s ever happened in my life. My ex and I used to have blazing rows at least twice a week: DP and I are yet to have a single proper fight. He told me earlier that my comments were upsetting him and that he hadn’t done anything to deserve them, which jolted me right out of it and then I just felt awful. I’ve apologised like crazy and we’re ok now, I think.

I definitely do need to work on my self esteem. My mum always tells me that I’m incredibly hard on myself but I don’t know any other way to be. It’s how I get things done! I phoned a counselling line through work a couple of months ago and the woman made me say ‘I’m proud of myself’ three times and honestly, I was feeling physically repulsed saying it. It was like every fibre of my being was fighting against it! I guess I do need to work on that.

Ha Laniakea I knew someone would ask that and it’s a fair question. We do talk about getting married a lot and when I’m feeling calm I know we’re on the same page really, but when I’m having a wobbly I end up telling myself that it’s because he’s just stringing me along like my ex did

I think he didn’t want to propose right after my sibling did, because he felt like he’d be stealing their thunder a bit (they’ve been having quite a difficult time and their engagement was a really nice thing for them both after some crappy months) so I guess he put things on ice after that? I don’t know, it’s just what he said.

Sounds like an excuse to delay proposing: why would someone else getting married put him off? If he wants to marry you, nothing would stand in his way of asking you. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him. If you both want to get married just do it.

Thank you, but this thread really wasn’t supposed to be about whether or not my partner actually wants to marry me (which I’m not sure anyone can really judge based on just my posts). Although I do appreciate and welcome any and all responses! I posted because I wanted to talk about my own feelings and why I’ve reacted in such an extreme, negative way to what should really be happy news.

OP - sorry about your abusive relationship.
However - your focus and need for a proposal seem too desperate.
And as others mentioned - it seems that you are measuring your self worth by a ring on your finger.

Initially - i’d assumed that your post would say - younger siblings all getting married, while I am single.
But you aren’t.... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Getting married in their 20s isn’t an achievement. Doesn’t make them any better, or more worthy than you.

If marriage is so important to you - propose to your bf, and get on with it.

I think if you couldn’t even say the words that you are proud of yourself, then you need to book in some face to face counselling and start processing why and then changing that narrative.

Even if he proposes tomorrow, you still need to do that because this will not be the only time in your life where this negative narrative will cause problems. And it will fester and effect your relationship with him and any potential children.

If you’re mid thirties, have been in a good relationship for several yeaes and want DC, why wait for a proposal? Why not just have a frank - but not shouty - conversation with your DP?

Thank you Aussie that’s good advice. I had been referred for some counselling via the work phone line but I never took it up because I convinced myself I didn’t really need it and that I could work on stuff on my own. But clearly that’s not working so I will give them another call tomorrow!

Tbh I'd be advising such a young sibling not to rush!

You say you're in your 30s. Have you got children? Do you want them?

I know I asked for advice and I do appreciate the posts but could I politely ask that people please stop with the ‘just propose to him’ comments? That’s really not what this is about and it’s not what would work for us (we have already discussed that in the past!)

Cricrichan no I don’t have kids and yes I do want them, desperately in fact. I would forgoe the wedding and just have a baby right now if I could but it’s not an option right now. Would rather not get into that here, to be honest. Believe me, I know that I don’t have long.

You are not a horrible person or a cheap sister op,you've been through a horri,extended period of abuse that's knocked your self worth for six.
Sit down and apologise to your do and explain to him as you have on here.
Perhaps you could agree to become engaged secretly?or if your DS is having a very long engagement,consider her to g married before,or I suppose you could consider a joint wedding.
But mostly,be nice to yourself,do what you can to rebuild your confidence,both in your abilities and that your dp genuinely loves YOU unconditionally.
Wishing you every happiness,

Just relax and chill out for a while. I know a couple of friends who had younger siblings get married before them and they struggled with it too.

Sounds like you have a good man.

Crap sister not cheap!sorry it changed the word.

Thank you Karma and Sandy for your kind words, they mean a lot.

One of the things I routinely beat myself up for is how much time I wasted with my ex. I spent most of my twenties with him and I hate thinking about all the other things I could have been doing in that time! The last three years have been a whirlwind and I’ve managed to change my life so much for the better, but I guess there’s always this panicked feeling that I need to make up for all the time I wasted.

I also NEVER thought I’d be the kind of woman to wait around for a ring! I hated all that ‘Waity Katie’ stuff in the press years ago. Honestly, if I’d read this thread a few years ago I’d be joining the chorus of ‘just propose to him!’ but it isn’t that simple for me now. And yep, that’s yet another thing I beat myself up about a lot. I am a Bad Feminist.

Could you speak to your oh and lay your cards on the table? Tell him that you love him but you also want a family so really can't afford to waste time in a relationship if it's not going to lead to that? I had my youngest child at 40 but I have a couple of close friends who never had children because they spent too long in the wrong relationships.

It’s complicated, I get that. But imho, I feel your perspective is a reaction based in knee jerk lizard brain thinking rather than socially intelligent thinking brain response. You said yourself that rationally you shouldn’t feel that way. Hang onto that.

I know you know this already, but you should keep reviewing it. It isn’t fair or respectable to assign behaviors to your present partner based on someone else’s behavior. Your anxiety is a left over from a relationship that is history. Try to leave that anxiety in the past as well. I know it is hard and takes gobs of time to achieve this completely (perhaps with counseling/coaching), but please spare your dp.

Your post also brought to mind sibling rivalry, as if it were a competition to get married. Why did the one sister’s nuptials not bother you, but this one does?

Cricrichan we’ve had that conversation. We talk very openly about a lot of things like that. We have already talked about exactly when we will start trying for a baby and I’ve had my coil removed in preparation. It just can’t happen right now.

He says that short of telling me exactly when and where he’s planning to propose there’s little else he can do to reassure me.

I have a couple of close friends who never had children because they spent too long in the wrong relationships.

And yep that’s basically what I’m afraid of. Thanks.

Hi OP

If you take nothing on but this..

Thank FUCK they did get married/engaged before you because if you'd have done that first you'd have been married to your ex-p and that just wouldn't be good at all would it?

As it turns out, you're with a man now that you adore, and who adores you. You've spent time building your amazing relationship that will last your lifetime, and the next step is marriage to him.

You're doing great now, and you won't have these niggly feelings forever - you're just having a moment!

That's great tailspinning that you've talked about it and have planned it. All the best.